Hello fellow women
Thought I may as well get this party started. What is going on in everyone's life right now?
I'll start.
Today is my birthday, and I am now 38. Officially in my late 30s, and getting ever closer to that big 4-0.
I have never been one to worry so much about my age, but it is hitting me today. Things hurt that didn't used to hurt. I have a few crinkles around my eyes. I also have started getting those little red dots on my back and shoulders (no idea what that is about). My hair is around 40% grey. I have not taken care of myself as I should have. Even though I have never wanted kids it's weird to think that the window is rapidly closing on that. I have more money but also more problems, more home repairs and honestly more life repairs from my 20s. I guess I am just being a bit more reflective than usual.
So where are you in life? And how are you feeling about it?
Hi!! And happy birthday!
I am gearing up for my youngest 4th birthday this weekend. I feel a bit melancholy about it, because 4 is the turning point from cute babyish baby to real little person. Which is fun and exciting in its own way, but I’ll miss having a baby.
I am 36, plenty of grey hair (that I sometimes dye semi-permanent for fun but mostly can’t be bothered), a few wrinkles, and a deep appreciation of aging. I have lost a lot of people in my life, a lot of peers of mine, who aren’t lucky enough to get old. It is SUCH a privilege. I bet they’d be ecstatic to be worrying about grey hair.
I’m in a good place right now. I have good friends, a busy social life (but not too busy, I love to be home), a solid exercise habit, a full routine. A full life. When I turned 30 I was devastated at how “over” my life felt, like it was this inexorable decline. Man was I wrong! Life just got better and better. I can’t wait to turn 40 and see what life has in store then!
I love your outlook! Small kids are so much fun. Everything is new. They are always learning and it's just so cool.
They are a lot of fun! I’ve been reading my oldest Harry Potter (though I know the author is controversial, I already owned the books so what’s the harm really) and getting to share something that was so exciting for me with her has been awesome!
A lot of work too though of course. It’s like previously my highs and lows were a scale of -10 to +10 and now they’re -100 to +100. I can certainly see why some people would choose not to do it
Greetings. I am closing in on sixty and having similar thoughts/feelings. My partner likes to say, we have entered to "pay to play" part of life. Good health doesn't just happen automatically anymore. But overall, I'm kind of loving it all. I have (with a good deal of divine intervention!) built the life I want. My favorite thing about aging is my concern over what others think of me is decreasing by the minute!
Pay to play, I love that! Lol I have to say, caring less about what people think was a highlight of my 30s.
Yay, girl corner.
I wish you a very happy birthday, @Multi_pass!
Now that my husband and I are both 30, we've been discussing having children at some point but the thought scares me. I really don't think that I could handle giving birth or even being highly pregnant; not to mention it would impact my career a fair bit, but it makes me feel like a failure in a way?
Is anyone else in my situation maybe?
If you're open to adoption, that could be an alternative to giving birth. Or if you want to make a difference in an older child's life, consider being a host family for an international exchange student? But you also don't have to be involved with children at all to live a fulfilling life!
I'm 28 and just had my fallopian tubes removed. The idea of being pregnant terrifies me - and then having to give birth and then care for a new born with no breaks? My mental health would break down if my body didn't go first. Adoption is something I might consider down the road but it's an abstract idea. And I'm also coming to terms with the fact that it's okay to build your life for yourself, too!
Being a woman doesn't mean you have to create life or be a carer to be worthwhile. It is what you want it to be.
Pregnancy and the actual birth part were the big reasons I never had a child. The whole thing terrifies me. I also was always scared that the professional interruption would derail my future.
I think my mother is more disappointed then she lets on, which makes me feel guilty. I feel like I am being selfish, but then at the same time guilt is not a reason to bring a life into the world.
No, you aren't being selfish and don't let yourself think that way <3
Your life is more important that the theoretical life of someone who doesn't even exist. If you don't want to have kids, don't! If your mother gives you shit about it, tell her to go adopt a kid if she wants one so bad. I'm never going to have kids and never really wanted them and I find that others can be extremely pushy on it, even though it's a personal subject. You just have to be a bit firm (but not necessarily mean) if someone else is pressuring you into a huge life changing event.
If it's any help my wife voiced the same kind of concerns before getting pregnant. Admittedly she didn't have any real complications (but that's the thing... they call em complications because most of the time everything is fine) and she says that it didn't really bother her much because the change was so gradual, and now she actually misses being pregnant sometimes.
You shouldn't feel that way at all, because I'm pretty sure every first time mother (or potential mother) has these feelings and probably even some second time moms too.
I am very much in a similar situation. My husband and I had discussed children and it had been one of those “in the future” things. We bought a house last year and are both early 30s so the “future” is hitting us right now. Many many discussions later and we came to the choice that we knew we wanted the kids, and there really weren’t any more excuses not to start.
For me though the idea of pregnancy and the impact on my career and life have been a high source of stress and anxiety. One way that I have kind of eased myself in was do things in stages that would have built in waiting periods so that I would have time to mentally adjust to the concept. For example starting the prenatal vitamins 3 months before starting to actually try. Then it was changing my diet.
At the start there was definitely a ton of anxiety and most of my drive time on my commute was me just ruminating on the potential change. But one thing that also happened was that I experienced a major shift in my perspective on what I wanted my life to look like.
The nerves and anxiety are definitely still there, but they are starting to be replaced by excitement of the possible. Taking the time to sit with the feelings has been very valuable in coming to terms with where my anxiety was coming from and I absolutely recommend doing that as much as possible.
Happy Birthday!
I’m mid 40’s and feeling great about it.
I got married and had kids very early on. Now, my kids are both grown and I’ve been divorced for a few years. At first, it was odd. I spent over 20 years being mom and wife. Getting divorced and my kids growing up left me with a lost sense of self. The things I had done for so long suddenly weren’t what I was doing anymore. And I felt like Who in the world am I?
So I started putting time into things I like. I did more gardening and reading. Played video games that I bought with every intention to play but never got around to it. I switched jobs to a job that was more in sync with my talents and I have thrived in this role. I grew new friendships with women that I have connected with in my job and my hobbies and they’ve been amazing.
I started dating a friend I had known for 15 years and thought that our friendship has always been wonderful, this relationship will be great. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t the relationship I envisioned either. The relationship was just ok.
Then I started interacting with someone through work related events. We would talk, and I would enjoy these conversations greatly. We agreed to get lunch together one day, and I sat there thinking, this is what I wanted from my relationship! Wonderful, meaningful conversations. Connection. Those conversations and that level of connection made me realize my relationship wasn’t what I wanted, and I broke it off.
After a few months of these occasional lunches, conversations, and interactions we decided to see each other. Almost a year later we are still excited to talk to each other every day and do things together. Our talks have shifted into a future together, and I couldn’t be more excited.
My 40’s brought about a lot of scary changes by upending my identity that I had known for so long. But they’ve all turned out to be solid, positive changes and I couldn’t be happier.
That's quite the journey from friendship to romantic relationship and back. Did your friendship with this individual survive? Was there fear of ruining it before you started officially dating?
Also congrats on kids grown and better career and new love :)
The short answer is no, it didn’t. There was no fight or harsh words exchanged. I ended the relationship and with it, the friendship disappeared too.
The way we ended up dating was he confessed he had feelings for most of our friendship. It was a complete surprise to me. I never considered if it would ruin the friendship; in fact I felt lucky to date someone I thought I knew very well, and vice versa.
The thought I was left with after dating not working out made me question if the friendship only existed and grew to the deep level it did because of those feelings. Seeing the friendship disappear after the relationship only deepened that feeling. It made the friendship feel less significant overall and helped me feel ok that it no longer exists.
I’m 33, and over the past few years I’ve grown so much more confident at work and with my personality. But I struggle with accepting the preliminary signs of aging too, and I worry about whether it’s all a potential partner will be able to focus on when they meet me.
I also never wanted kids, and still to this day don't regret the choice (50s). I remember asking my husband in my late 30s and again in my early 40s if he was really sure about no kids because the window was closing. Thankfully (my God, I was so grateful) it was an emphatic 'Yes' for child free. I never wanted to be a parent, but I would have probably had one if he was really, really sure about it.
Being pregnant always scared the bejesus out of me, but I would have gone through the 'one and done' if needed. However, relfecting now, I would have been a strict parent and wouldn't have made the best role model. Too much baggage from my own childhood. I'm glad we never had the one.
I had no confidence in myself to be a parent. My own mom was complicated and difficult to love. My bio kid was a surprise so there were many times I understood why some women just abandoned their families and it used to scare the shit out of me-- and turn me around right in hard moments. One pregnancy and C-section was enough. If I wasn't in a committed relationship when I got pregnant I never would have attempted going it alone. Their dad was a blessing.
This post unfortunately resonates a lot! Not close to 40 yet but it was my 30th on Monday and it's just a very strange and alienating feeling.
When I look around at cousins or friends who are all around about my age, they are just sort of getting on with life. Most are in long term relationships, quite a few have gotten married, many have bought houses, some have got children... Family events are very different now because I have none of the above, so I more or less just listen to others talk about their kids and their cars and their houses and je ne sais quoi.
It was very different when we were all still in school and whatnot. But now I can't relate to them anymore because I am struggling a lot in life, so what life is like for my cousins is barely imaginable for me. I try to engage but I can't seem to find my way around it. Like, he handed me his 2 year old because he needed his hands free, but then the kid started crying because I have never held a toddler before... I just feel very alienated from them. I should be 20, not 30. That's how far behind I am in life.
Oh honey, you’re not behind. I’m 35 and sometimes I feel behind (I wanna have kids and it’s not happening super quick…), but someone told me once— imagine you were super old, on your deathbed, and you had the chance to redo it all, all of it, starting at the age you are now. “God, I’d be THIRTY again?!” That’s what you’d think. It would be amazing.
Treasure the moments. Work on the goals. Do everything the way you would if you were “doing your life over.” That is to say, the way you’d really do them.
Also welcome to the 30s club. I was scared before, but it turns out I fucking love my 30s. It’s so fun to be sure of yourself.
Aw yesss thanks for starting the thread! Hey Ladieees! I am loving how old school-forum-message-board Tildes is.
Pushing 50 in a couple months. I'm super lucky with my health. I quit drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol at 38 and I look and feel better than both my sisters, one older, one younger. I do yoga regularly so when I do get stiff and sore it doesn't last. My back is the only thing that betrays me at times but I'm a nurse and it comes with the territory. I strap on the tens unit and soldier through. I have an adult child and 3 step kids, two of them are at college.
To contribute to the childbearing topic: one bio kid was enough. My pregnancy and C-section were traumatizing and the PPD was wild. I love my step kids in a different way, maybe better than my own because my expectations are nil. The middle girl (woman really) and I are good buddies. My own kid has mental health struggles and is trans and I worry a lot about them. Just this week they got a great job offer so I am hoping with all my might that this will help liberate them from their entrenchment.
Overall, though, life is great. Yeah I would love to travel more, and sure I would love to retire early. My literary career comes last in my busy life but when I am inspired I make room for it and am lucky to know myself and the business well enough to keep at it. I'm dying to start a podcast but a niche is difficult to settle on.
At my age I've come to accept that I will never be a kung-fu master, a rock star, or even a millionaire. I just try to be better when I can and be gentle with everyone.
Solidarity 🤟
Last year of my 20's! About to move in with my partner (my first ever that I got together with at 27. I was a late bloomer, heh.)
Starting to really feel like I have a grasp on my life after doing a career change last year. Excited about the future for once in a long while.
Still undecided about kids. I think my partner would make a wonderful father but I'm really having a hard time justifying bringing a child into a world I have very low hopes for. I get pangs of baby fever here and there but not enough to set me over the edge.
Worst thing going for me is the slow realization that my mom is a narcissist that I still love, but talking with her drains me and I can't really imagine having a stable relationship with her anymore. :(
Happy birthday! And hello all!
Late 40s here. Just me, husband and our sweet dog (I think I'm going to stop using "childfree", a reddit carry over). Things haven't been going well for me but I'm taking small steps to do what I need to do. It's too long and complicated to mention here but I can say that disconnecting from unhealthy people in my life has been one positive step. Leaving oppressing ideologies that were never mine is another. It's been good but lonely.
Having said that, I'm really liking that my style of online engagement has found a good fit with Tildes. I really love the long form discussion and the engagement it encourages. I also came from reddit and despite how big it is, it often felt lonely to me. It felt like 50% of what I saw on reddit in the last several months before I left just felt...soulless. I wasn't in enough niche subs to have a different experience.
Childfree is a term that dates back well over a century, so feel free to continue using it if it's a word you relate to - https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voluntary_childlessness
Small steps can do huge things. I'm also disconnecting from people who bring unhealthiness to my life. It has been a bit anxiety-inducing for the moment but I'm hoping it will get better with time. Hopefully the loneliness does too!
Belated happy birthday!
When I saw this yesterday, I didn't know how to reply, because I'm struggling and it just felt like such a downer to post anything about my life, especially on the topics others have shared about here.
But just now I thought, that's ridiculous and makes me feel worse so I'm just going to say hi and happy birthday for yesterday and I'm enjoying reading everyone's replies.
Sending you good vibes and hoping things improve for you. We all struggle from time to time and I'm sure the folks here wouldn't mind if you have anything you need to get off your chest. I'm sure many others reading this are also struggling, maybe even in shockingly similar ways. Wishing you all the best and I encourage you to reach out to us for support if you ever need it. You got this!
Happy birthday! I hope 38 is an excellent year for you :)
I turned 30 this year and am kind of struggling with it, to be honest. This year started out poorly, with my six-year-long relationship breaking up around my birthday and my job currently being in jeopardy due to company-wide issues.
I think I'm also having my mid-life crisis now and realizing I'm really not living the life I want to be living. I'm getting my health under control, but fixing my career (or lack thereof) and finances and everything else seems so massive. I keep telling myself that my 30s are going to be My Decade and that when I'm 40 I'm going to be thinking how awesome life is, but that feels like a long way away right now, but somehow also coming way too quickly at the same time.
Plus, with my relationship ending, I feel like I wasted my best dating years on my ex, even though I don't feel like the relationship was a waste, if that makes sense. I don't even know right now if I ever want to date again or if I'm just someone not suited for relationships, if I couldn't make that one work.
It doesn't help that most of the women in my extended family married their high school sweethearts and do not divorce, so every time a new aunt or cousin or sister hears about the breakup the reaction is always "Oh, that's so sad, and plus you're 30... but you still have time left... if you hurry..." It feels like I'm already way too late, especially if I need time to get my life straightened out before I try dating again.
Mostly it's just a time of a lot of change for me that's unfortunately paired with a milestone birthday lol. Not loving it, but things have to get better.
Happy birthday!
34 here and enjoying a year in a new home and a year of minimal depression symptoms. I have a new sense of self confidence, have discovered self love, and am genuinely happy to be me. It has been decades since I felt this comfortable in my own skin.
That being said, I also struggle sometimes with a lot of the anxieties around aging and kids being shared here. I feel like I gave up on the idea of kids when another depressive episode hit, but now that I'm out of it and in a better place in life the option might be back on the table. I still don't feel ready and don't know that I ever will, but I am also afraid of regretting not having any children or having children too late. My parents are in great health now, but how much longer will that be the case? I would want my children to know them, and that puts an extra hand on the ticking clock.
Thanks for taking the initiative and breaking the ice! Happy birthday.
GenX here and going back to school in August for a career change that makes sense to me, library school. I have options if it doesn't work out but I'm hopeful for this change. Husband and I are happy together since 2006. I have a chronic illness, and my knees have started to twinge at unexpected moments but it could be much worse in terms of physical health. I spent a few years wanting kids in my early to mid thirties but not otherwise and I think it was largely hormones. I enjoy being an aunt. Like others I am caring less about other people's opinions and enjoying that development. This weekend we are off to Yosemite to check out the waterfalls which are supposed to be extra impressive this year thanks to all the snow.
That sounds so cool! You will have to post pictures!
Hi, and thanks for starting this conversation!
I'm 35 and still feeling unsure about whether to have a kid or not, and feeling worried about that closing window. For those who have decided to go child-free, I'm curious if you're worried about feeling lonely and disconnected as you age? I know having a kid is no guarantee that they'll want to be around you as you get older, but I sometimes wonder about how my parents would be doing at this stage of life if they didn't have kids and a connection to younger family.
Sometimes I think I'd be a good mom and would enjoy it, but pregnancy/labor terrifies me, and I like feeling unburdened and free from responsibilities.
This blog article may be so often referenced that it's a cliché but, in case you haven't read it, I think it is very worthwhile re deciding on having children:
https://therumpus.net/2011/04/21/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/
I had my kids at 39 and 41. For many years the idea of having children terrified me (pregnancy, labor, any health issues my children might have, caring for infants, parenting, losing myself in the role of mother). Now here I am with two pretty competent humans, one a tween and one almost one. All the fear of the unknown has now shifted to fear when they walk outside the door, worrying about their social lives and grades, fear of getting them into the right schools, paying for college. Yet everything somehow turns out alright. The old fears seem so overblown but I still empathize with anyone going through them because what is scarier than the unknown?
Wow, I had not come across that before. Thank you so much for sharing.
This part at the beginning already grabbed me, and not just in terms of whether or not to have a kid:
I feel like I might be spending too much time fretting over all the sister ships already beside me. Thanks again for sharing.
Thank you for this link! I'm another 30-something struggling with this after years of insisting I never want children.
I don't have a particular drive to have them even now, and I know for sure that I couldn't handle having a child with a severe disability - I think in general, my worries are very close to the ones you mentioned having. At the same time, I have a ton of love to give, and it's like those stupid ads for mobile games, where you see other people messing up and think 'damn, for sure I can do better than that'. But also, I feel like taking my whole life for myself only is almost too much? I don't know. I'm just grateful that I still have some time left to decide.
As a person with a rough family life, I'm actually looking forward to being disconnected from them as I get older, and if I have kids, I intend to avoid being a burden to them. I'm sterilized and child free but might consider adoption eventually if it seems right. I plan to have my partner and cat(s). Dogs are great but I don't think I could handle the needs of one as an older adult, so I've decided not to get another one in the future.
Wow, am I the youngest here at 26? I'm single (I've actually never dated), and working at a big but non-glorious software company.
I know I want kids one day -- I have always loved children, but there is no partner in the picture, and I have some anxiety around online dating, particularly the pickup heavy app stuff. Maybe I'll make a thread to talk about that stuff another day.
Happy Birthday! I hope you've had an excellent day!
I've always been fairly firmly on the childfree boat myself, occasionally waxing rhetorical about the idealistic side of having them. However realistically I know for both myself and my husband that it would not be the right choice. My own upbringing, ADHD and other undiagnosed neurodivergencies, I believe, would not make me the best parent. I have wonderful niblings that I enjoy spending time with, but also equally enjoy going home from.
I am a similar age to you, and my life has been a chaotic mess of jobs here and there, but nothing that truly grounded me. I did a diploma just before COVID and lockdowns happened (in Justice, got the Dean's award for the year too!), however soon realised through lockdown that it was a hyperfocus that burnt hot and fast. Since then I've been looking for work, but unfortunately have not been successful, I am eternally grateful for my husband's support through the last few years.
I am excited however, as on Monday I am starting a TAFE (Australian Vocational School) course for phlebotomy and pathology! I am super excited, nervous, scared, but also hopeful that it will help propel me into a new path. It took me a while to decide to do something that would be relevant forever, rather than follow my magpie tendencies towards things that would be affected by the economy downturn or another pandemic.
Wishing you and anyone reading this a wonderful day <3
Happy birthday! I'm not too far behind you but I'm enjoying the aging process so far. I'm fitter and stronger than I ever was in my teens, and I think I have a better outlook on life overall. I got sterilised a couple of years ago and every day I still feel like it was the right decision, if not one of the best decisions I've made. It's weird but it feels like a part of my body that was fundamentally wrong has been righted.
I'll be looking at getting on the adoption register with my partner for reasons that have been complicated to explain to friends and family but that's a different story! My parents are fine with it, partner's parents don't know yet so that's going to be an interesting one to discuss.
For now though I have a young puppy, a thriving garden and some good friends I've picked up in various places. All in all things seem good.
Happy Birthday!!
Sometimes, it's the journey and not the goal that is important, and other times it's the goal, not the journey. Mostly I've been goal focused, and working on enjoying the journeys. But you decide which one you are going through, and can chose one or the other ... or both!!
Enjoy your journeys, celebrate your goals!!
Thanks! We all struggle, sometimes more than others. I am no expert but if you need to talk send me a message. Or maybe we can make a post about things we are struggling with. Sometimes it's nice to talk to someone not connected to our lives.
I am wishing you all the strength