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How do you build lasting habits?
I have tried installing apps, logging my days, writing on a piece of paper etc. Everything looks perfect while planning. I over optimize even before I have had experience doing/forming a habit and then lose all focus soon enough. Planning and execution in the short term goes almost flawlessly, but I always fail to be consistent over longer terms which is when the "effects"/"benefits" of the habit would be reaped.
I would love how do you mindfully and purposefully spend time building habits? How to get on track when you eventually slip away due to any number of circumstances?
I too am not good at building habits. I tend to blame part of that on the fact that my life is actually quite busy, and that simple survival often takes up a lot of my energy and brain space. Where I have been successful it's down to a few things:
Start small. Habits come from discipline, and discipline is a muscle that you must build. It can be very difficult to build new habits and be disciplined with yourself if the experience isn't there. Try doing something relatively small, like cutting yourself off from caffeine after a certain time of day. Build on small successes to try something a little harder. And then a little harder. And harder still. The more discipline you can exercise in parts of your life unrelated to the target habit, the easier that new habit will be.
Know your reasoning. The better you understand what the concrete benefits of something will be, the better. I struggled to quit smoking and vaping for literally years, until I discovered that tobacco (and to a lesser extent nicotine) have a negative impact on the effects of the HRT drugs I was planning to take. And this was 6 months before I was even prescribed! If you can have a specific, hard principle in mind that guides you towards maintaining the habit, all to the better. It's a lot harder to get up every day at 6am for its own sake, than it is to say "I am going to write 1500 words towards my novel every day before work."
Forgive yourself. You will never be perfect, and there will be days where you don't have the time or headspace to complete your habit. Learn to understand that habit building is as much about consistency in restarting as it is in continual streaks. I've fallen off the smoking/vaping wagon a few times in the past year, but I get right back on it again. I don't berate myself for the failure, but congratulate myself for pushing past and restarting.
Reduce or increase friction as needed. The classic self-help/productivity adage holds true here: it's much harder to eat just one Dorito than it is to eat none. If you're trying to quit snacking so much, simply stop buying them. Increase the amount of effort it would take to have the snacks in the first place, and you'll find that it's automatically easier to maintain the habit. Similarly if you're trying to do something more, make starting it easier. Want to practise an instrument regularly? Don't tidy it away every time, and leave it somewhere you will notice it. Configure your situation so your brain doesn't think "oh but it's such a hassle to get started!" about your habit. It's far easier to continue a think once you've gotten over the hump of starting.
Stop thinking and start doing. I am incredibly guilty of planning and preparing until I am blue in the face. I get stuck in trying to figure out the optimal systems and processes for whatever it is I'm aiming to do. When I was writing my Masters dissertation, I spent far too much time at the start thinking about what the best way to make notes would be, and how to ensure I would be able to properly catalogue everything. I ended up down a YouTube rabbit hole into how to set up Obsidian Notes to work just right. IMHO this is the hardest thing to do in habit construction, at least for me. Part of it involves confronting the reasons as to why you're so stuck in the process part rather than the product. I find that it's a wonderful combination of impostor syndrome, fear of failure, and a need to avoid looking unintelligent that drives my procrastination. Your mileage probably will vary, but meditating on what it is that makes you want to plan and prepare so much instead of just doing it might help you to put systems in place to avoid it.
"I find that it's a wonderful combination of impostor syndrome, fear of failure, and a need to avoid looking unintelligent that drives my procrastination."
There are dozens of us. DOZENS!
Hahaha, it's the classic "gifted kid" to "burnout adult" pipeline. What a wonderful way to configure your brain š
Thanks much for taking the time to write that down! I'll come back and reply thoughtfully later.
It feels like you held a mirror to me. That was perfectly written. It summarizes alot of thoughts for me which I have always failed. Thank you.
And when you do ultimately fail to keep up, getting back in the saddle immediately. Don't go "oh I already missed Monday and Tuesday so I'll just restart next week". Resume immediately.
I like this quote! I see how true that is now that you mention it. Nothing looks appealing all the time. One has to bear the "bad" days to appreciate the better ones.
Additionally, I often tell myself "the fact that I don't want to do this is exactly why I need to do it." It doesn't always work but it works better than just lying there whining to myself about how I don't wanna do it.
Makes total sense: If 'exercise is a muscle', then fulfilling commitments specifically when your desire was not to is the exercise needed to build that muscle.
I canāt go in depth in this comment from my phone but read the book Atomic Habits. It will provide you with the exact answers you seek and specifically the why and how.
Edit, in quicker format for an intro video iirc this one goes into the high level of it: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vN1aRN5bQQ0
I was reading up on this a couple of months ago and I remember a few major takeaways.
It takes three months to adapt to anything, so make sure that whatever method you're using to reinforce your habits lasts at least that long. If you're finding that you're having a hard time, just think to yourself, "has it been three months yet?" That makes it easier to refocus on your goals.
There are two things that I found helped the most. The first one is scheduling. This is best if the habit you are trying to make something relatively big or time consuming into a habit, such as exercising. Actually put the thing you want to do in your calendar; set aside a specific time to do it, and then do it when you're supposed to. Set reminders so your phone dings and tells you what you're supposed to be doing.
The other method works with anything, and it can even be combined with scheduling. Think of the habit you want to form and turn it into an if/then or when/then statement. Some examples are, "if I see a piece of garbage on the ground, then I will pick it up," or "when I go to the bathroom in the morning, then I will brush my teeth." These link experiences with behaviors, and that is essentially what a habit is. Just make it a point to repeat your affirmations for a while, and eventually it will become automatic for you.
None of this is original research, by the way, it's simply what I have found works after being recommended to do them by doctors and social workers as ways to be more healthy. They worked much better than I thought they would. You can also use them to try to break bad habits as well.
I appreciate you writing that! I have read various accounts which prescribe a window of 21 days to 90 days for forming a habit, and your comment tracks. My problem has been sticking to anything for so many days without losing interest.
Do you have ADHD? I've learned recently that some people with ADHD really struggle/are unable to form habits
This is something I've been thinking about recently. The more I read on it, the more I realise I might have ADHD. But, I haven't gotten clinically tested. In the US, even with insurance, it takes a lot of money, and as a student it's hard to cough up so much at once. However, nothing is worth my mental health, so I'm looking into how to get professionally tested.
I would absolutely second the recommendation to get tested. I was only diagnosed a few months ago, at 36 years old, and it's been hugely helpful for me understanding how my brain works, and I regret not having done it sooner.
the struggles you describe of trying to set up a habit system that seems "perfect", but then having trouble sticking with it, sound very familiar to what I now recognize as my ADHD symptoms. that, plus a frustration at how neurotypical people seem to be able to "just do habits" without any of these problems (the umbrella term for this is executive dysfunction).
here is a list of ADHD threads in ~health.mental you may find useful to read, I'd especially recommend When did you learn you had ADHD?. you're absolutely not alone in suspecting you have it but having difficulties in accessing care for it.
Thank you so much for the resources!
I'm in Canada and even here mental healthcare is expensive. My wife and I are fortunate to have good coverage through work. The world as a whole needs to take mental healthcare as seriously as physical health. I hope you're able to work it out!
See if your school offers testing. My community college did and it was free.
That was back in 2003ish though. Things might have changed a bit since then.
I am in a private university which takes away nearly $3.6k for health insurance. I am afraid there is anything free! Thanks for letting me know though, I will try asking anyway.
At this point I basically live off the reminder system my phone's assistant has.
"Hey google, remind me to do x" (where x= exercising, begin working on a project, etc.)
I find that at the very least it keeps me thinking about it. After that you actually have to do it and do it as reliably as can be managed. Growing your own personal discipline without an outside source pushing you to do it is the difficult part for me and I assume most others. You've been conditioned, if you grew up like I did, to have parents, teachers, coaches, etc. all give very specific instructions and in my experience don't tend to foster the critical thinking skills necessary to grow personal discipline.
For me it is a combination of:
I only find apps helpful if they provide a progress to plan. I find if I put too much thought into the planning the task becomes onerous. Keep it bite sized.
Lots of great advice in this thread! For me:
a. For example, I'm very motivated by others. So for something like cleaning, it helps me think "I'm doing this for them," and not for me (who is fine being messy). For other habits, I'm more naturally self-motivated (like learning something new).
a. I saw you mentioned cleaning; for me, this was a mixture of learning how to pick up after myself immediately (versus letting it be), giving myself storage solutions (95% if I leave something lying around, I have no idea where to put it, but don't want to deal with the dilemma), and having regular company over every week so it never got too gross.
b. I wanted to learn how to cook better, so I started ordering a farmers' box and now I've been forced to learn how to cook new things.
a. For fitness, I did do a trainer for a bit, it really helped me build comfort for the gym so I could manage it all myself later.
Habits have to be built over time in my experience. It takes persistence, I've tried every trick to shorten the process but in the end it takes repetition, even if you fail you have to try again.
I think it can be useful to ask yourself how you formed the habits you already have. For example, something like brushing your teeth is often a habit because you have a set routine to determine when youāll brush, everything is laid out for you to get started, and you can feel/see the benefits when you follow through.
This seems to apply to most things in my experience. Start by making the barrier of entry low, so that itās easy to get started. For example, if you want to learn to play the guitar, have your guitar out and beside the place you like to play. Also have everything else right there and ready to go: sheet music, tuner, capo, metronome, etc.
Next, make a time for when youāll do the thing. I think what a lot of people get wrong is trying to schedule a very specific time. This may work for some people, but Iāve found itās easier to make plans that are associated with something else. For example, āonce Iāve done X, Iām going to play my guitarā or āevery time time I come into this room, Iām going to play for 5 minutesā.
Finally, set up a reward structure for yourself. Personally, I find it more helpful to make small rewards everyday, then to use āgoalsā as a motivator. For example, āonce I play my guitar today, Iām going to treat myself with Yā instead of āif I practice everyday Iāll eventually be able to play that song I likeā. The closer you can bring the reward to the thing you want to build a habit around, the easier it is to stick too.
To acknowledge your final point, I donāt track my habits for this exact reason. It doesnāt matter to me if I skip occasionally, because the goal is long-term consistency. Itās more beneficial to try and do a few minutes everyday and miss a few of them for whatever reason. Those minutes really add up over time and it helps engrain the behaviour.
Overall, Iād try to do less planning and more action. Keep the barrier to entry low and always start the thing now, not tomorrow.
I use a device dedicated to it. My phone is far too filled with work stuff and random email notifications and apps trying to ping me about stuff. Even with notifications reasonably well-managed, there's just too many things from too many areas of my life there, and habit-building goals are too easy to push off as less important than a new work email--suddenly I'm in Outlook instead of checking off my habit tasks.
Anything that I want to build as a habit I just track in a separate old Outlook instance or Excel sheets that I sync to an ancient PDA. That PDA only tracks stuff like my exercise, points of data on my health, cleaning routine, when I need to be taking the trash to the curb, when filters need to be replaced around the house, etc. I pick up that device and it gives me a comprehensive list of everything I need to do that day regarding my home life and habits I'm trying to build, and nothing else.
Could a phone do it? Sure. Is remembering to pick up a PDA any different from remembering to check a specific phone app? Probably not. But it works for my brain so that's what I go with.
This is what I have been thinking too. Should getting a digital watch like Apple watch would make life simpler? But if something like that relays all the notifications from mobile anyway, it is hard to see its utility.
For me, it is surprisingly helpful to build uninterrupted chains of days that I can check "done". When I count those days, it is as if I accumulate some magical coins that I do not want to lose. I am not the most disciplined person but when I had a streak of 245 days of practicing Spanish, I was able to get up at 4 am to get it done on the day I had to travel to some kind of corporate event or something - that's how much I did not want to lose those marvelous 245 and start at 0 again.
I am not sure if this works for anyone or if I just have some kind of "hoarding" personality disorder.
You mean streaks! Like the ones on Duolingo app, haha. I understand what you mean. Perhaps installing a minimalistic app, and checking that "X" box off would be a pretty nice feeling I imagine.
Loop Habit Tracker is an excellent app for that if you have an android device.
What kinds of habits OP? I've found that my problems with building habits of maintenance (cleaning, cooking, hygiene) are actually totally different than building more dynamic habits of, for lack of a better word, discipline (reading before bed, limiting screen time, study before exams, wake up earlier for work)
Now that you mention it, I'm mostly talking about the habits of maintenance (cleaning my room, cooking regularly and hitting the gym etc; I take care of my hygiene very well).
Regarding reading and so on, I can do it without much mental space.
Ask for help with stressful things that aren't habit-related (e.g. "can you help me compose this stressful email") and delete things that have been on your todo list for over a month and you know deep down in your heart you wont do them for another 6 months (move to "backlog" or something and never open your backlog).
Then focus on things you will legitimately do, like your new habits.
For me I find that building habits is easiest when I find something that motivates me. For example I workout 4-6 days a week because I know that if I don't then my chronic pain will flare up and I won't be able to properly care for my baby.