The other day at the bus stop I overheard a mom saying how amazing it was that her husband not only cooked dinner - pasta - but also then put the kids to bed. The woman she was talking to nodded sagely in agreement: clearly this was laudable.

Is the bar for being a good father and husband so low? What the hell?

This isn't really new to me, I suppose. I've worked mainly with women my whole life and too often I hear that the bare minimum seems to be "they provide money" and occasionally throw down a meal and play with the kids. Sometimes, even that is expecting too much.

Can I get some perspective on this?

How long after someone giving you their number is considered too long to contact them?

This person gave me their number weeks ago, and I was thinking of asking them out to coffee, but I’m not sure if that might be considered rude due to the time lapse. I don’t think it would be, but what do I know — I haven’t had anything to do with the dating scene in many, many years…

So, I’m not really looking for advice, but rather perspective. What do other people consider normal in these sorts of situations?

I was recently thinking of a new way to describe to my spouse (and to myself) how my mind works when it comes to performing tasks. This is a regularly occuring conversation, as her needs and mine often run counter to each other and leave us both frustrated. I have trouble understanding even my own reactions to things, let alone hers, so I try to explain them in new terms occasionally to see if it makes things click.

Anyway, I came up with one that I found apt and kinda fun, if maybe a bit sad in places: a DnD 5e character sheet. For the purposes of this exercise, the sheet is for a sorcerer, not a wizard (learning new tasks happens slowly, almost at random) and the Frustration mechanic is effectively identical to Exhaustion in the PHB.

Here it is. I'm curious if any of you have thoughts on this or find it feeling familiar.

Spell list:

Cantrips:

Relax
Read
Eat
Get ready for bed ¹

1st level:

Choose to go to bed ²
Get ready to leave
Choose a meal
Prepare a meal
Work on dishes
Take out trash
Do laundry
Other chores
Do a favor (unasked)*

2nd level:

Do a favor (asked)*
Stifle frustration ³

3rd level:

Do a big favor (asked)*
Dismiss frustration ⁴

Feat - People Pleaser: When casting "Do a favor (unasked)", roll a d20. On a 15 or higher, cast as a cantrip instead. When casting "Do a favor (asked)", roll a d20. On a 5 or lower, add 1 level of frustration. When casting "Do a big favor (asked)", roll a d20. On a 10 or lower, add 1 level of frustration.

Feat - Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures: Regenerate 1 spell slot of any level. Add 1 level of frustration.

Feat - Self Soothe: whenever casting a cantrip, roll a d20. On a 19 or 20, remove 1 level of frustration.

Curse - Temper: whenever casting a spell of 1st level or higher, roll a d20 with advantage. On a 2 or lower, add a level of frustration.

Curse - Social Anxiety: when interacting with another character, roll a d20. On a 5 or lower, burn 1 spell slot or add 1 level of frustration.

¹ Must be cast on the turn following casting "Choose to go to bed." Otherwise, this becomes a 1st level spell.

² After casting this spell, any spell other than a cantrip must be cast one level higher than usual (e.g., 1st level spells can only be cast using 2nd level spell slots).

³ Temporarily remove 1 level of frustration. It returns after d20X10 minutes.

⁴ Permanently remove 1 level of frustration.

Hello tilderers, I have a dilemma I'm having that I'd like perspective on.

I often find myself doing things not because I want to, but because I have to. I feel obligated to. It is better if I do X than if I don't do X, so I should do X, even if I don't want to.

Though overall I don't consider "feeling obligated" a positive nor sustainable emotion to have.

These are often tied to social etiquette and maintaining a status quo at the sacrifice? of your own comfort.

Examples:

You're an introverted so tend to not desire social activity as much, but understand socializing is good for maintaining relationships so you accept invites regardless of whether you have true desire to be out for the person/occasion/event.

You should get a gift for Y because it's their birthday/Christmas because it's an expected, nice gesture but you don't really have a gift in mind or tendency of gift giving.

Z does something nice for you, pays for your dinner/got a gift/done a favor, but was not something you wanted Z to do or asked them to do. Yet now you feel indebted to give back.

General occasions where social and emotional reciprocation is expected and you're not entuned to reciprocate necessarily. And the general consequence of not reciprocating is weakening relationships/negativity from others etc.

Where is the line between doing whatever you feel/comfortable with (selfishness/self centered?) and doing things because you are socially obligated to (caring about what other people think/feel about you).

What is the resolution to negative feelings of obligation?

How can obligation turn to desire?

How does one perspective shift in this way?
You do this not because you have to, because you want to do this.