It's easy. Show up and love them. Every kid is different and will require different things but what everyone needs is love and support.

Personally I would also avoid reading any and all books/articles/etc about "parenting". They just make you anxious and depressed. Spend that time instead having fun with your kid.

It's really not all that hard. People make it out to be, but it's not. I've said this before but being a parent is hard like digging a hole, not hard like quantum mechanics. Only a handful of people alive properly understand quantum mechanics, that stuff is hard. But while digging a hole is exhausting (and babies are exhausting in a way you cannot comprehend right now) but it's not that difficult and what you don't know right now you can figure out along the way.

At first all you need to do is keep each end reasonably clean, watch them and learn from them and you'll figure it out together.

The fact you're asking the question is enough. Just be the decent person you very probably are and you'll all be fine.

My kid is a month old, so, while I am technically in the group to respond, I don't have any concrete experience to share. You don't educate a newborn, you tend to it.

But I think about that a lot.

My usual conclusion, and I'm going to be a little terse and maybe a bit blunt (bear with me), is that if raising a child was so hard illiterate folks dummies (like me!) throughout the world wouldn't be able to do it. And they do it, every single day.

There's so much you'll get right simply by virtue of being there as a loving and mindful presence.

Of course, you'll make mistakes, but, unless you have a truly perverse psyche, they will be largely benign.

You're not gonna be perfect, but you won't be a monster either.

That said, I do have words of caution (again, from my own introspection, not from experience).

A lot of generalized parenting advice is targeted at some ideal average kid that doesn't really exist. Different kids require different behaviors from their parents, and ignoring that can lead to bad results.

I try to keep in mind that my kid is his own person and not an extension of my desires and frustrations. My kid does not exist to resolve anything about myself, he is not an appendix to my neurosis. His choices in life are unlikely to be the ones I would make myself, and I am already working to contain my expectations in that regard.

While it is important to have a loving relationship with their kids, I have noticed that many parents in my generation invert the situation, so it is not their role to nurture and educate their kids, but it is rather the kid's role to fulfill their parent's psychological needs and appease to their insecurities. In my opinion, this should be avoided, as it negates the fact that parents are in a position of guidance and emotional nourishing.

Not a parent, but I spent a few years working in residential treatment centers for kids and teens with behavioral problems - basically kids who had trauma from terrible parenting (and a few who were just unfortunately born with severe mental health issues) and were acting out because they had no other way to express it. What worked was:

Always treating them with respect, even when they were being little shits. You are always the adult, so A) there is no need to get into an argument/power struggle, because you by default have already won and B) it is your job to show them how to act. By always being respectful even when they are acting otherwise, you are teaching them even if you don't point it out directly. If they can never push you into disrespect, they will stop using it themselves.

Be firm when you have to, but be kind whenever you can. There will be times when they push a boundary far enough that there has to be a consequence (which should always be stated clearly ahead of time, and with multiple reminders and warnings). It is very important to actually carry through on the consequence, or else there is no point in having the boundary. But equally important is that when they are remaining within the boundaries (and even when they aren't) you've set for them you treat them as kindly as possible. Praise them, do surprise nice things for them, basically show them you love and value them no matter what. This is how you teach a little learning brain that you are a source of guidance and that you should be trusted and have their best interests in mind, even when you have to give a consequence when they decide not to listen to you.

Make sure punishments are in proportion to the crime and their level of development. A 5 yr old can't handle an hour-long timeout, even if they hit their sibling with a stick for the 3rd time this week. The little brain wanders and they won't remember why they got punished, just that daddy was mean. Grounding your teen all Summer for one bad grade will just make them see you as unreasonable and your judgement as untrustworthy, even if you are usually correct. Also, shame is pretty much never a good motivator, unless you're trying to give your kid a weird complex. You can help them to understand that stealing from Timmy is wrong by discussing how they would feel if Timmy stole from them, which will probably result in them feeling ashamed of themselves, but calling them a dirty little thief and telling them they are being shameful is just going to make them feel rejected as a person but possibly also result in some sort of klepto self-harming adrenaline rush.

You will be wrong sometimes and you must admit it and apologize. Your child will not see you as infallible if you never admit a mistake, they will see you as unloving and untrustworthy. It will also teach them to hide their own mistakes and make them afraid to try for risk of failing. Similarly, be willing to flex on a rule if the stakes are low and they have a good counter-argument. Your kneejerk reaction may be to say no to things because you still see them as younger than they are/you want to keep them safe, but they learn by taking risks and having new experiences. Showing them how to gracefully and honestly admit being wrong and then doing better and being willing to accept their input helps them learn how to try and fail and adapt on their own and to trust you as a guide and support when something doesn't go right.

There's probably some other stuff but I'm definitely not doing my job right now so I'll leave it there.

ETA: Oh yeah read to your kid, every night if you can manage it. It really is important. And make 'em wear sunscreen.

Set behavioral expectations and hold them accountable. And you can't be afraid to punish them when they misbehave.

Since you asked for newborn advice: be ready to simultaneously knuckle down in terms of your own effort, and learn to forgive everyone (including yourself).

Be ready to shoo out fawning family members. Your job, particularly in the first few days, is to make sure that mother and baby are comfortable, rested, and fed. Forgive corners you have to cut, steal sleep where you can, and above all else, snort the baby. There's nothing quite like the smell of a clean newborn - it will rewire your brain.

The most important thing is to set the example of how you want them to behave and they will learn from you. If you’re kind and gentle and understanding then they will also try to do that. I’ve found you do need to set limits and boundaries and they do need to learn about consequences and what they can and can’t do. I reinforce that by always saying what the consequence is for an action to get them to consider it. Instead of just saying “we won’t run in the parking lot” instead say “we don’t run in the parking lot because you are little and fast and cars are big and have a hard time seeing you.”

Another big thing is you can set the boundaries easily and still make them feel like they have a choice. Present them with options and let them choose. “You can hold my hand in the parking lot or I can carry you. Which one would you like?” I’ve found giving them some amount of control helps mitigate meltdowns. They won’t totally go away but it’s a lot easier to deal with 0-2 a day than fighting about everything.

I have a daughter, so I wanted to instill the idea of consent early. I tickle her and she loves it but she always knows she can say no and I will immediately stop. She can always ask for more (and often does) if she’d like.

Others have shied away from book recommendations but I really liked Hunt Gather Parent. It’s not perfect but it really illustrates effective ways to communicate with kids and I thought did a good job of storytelling while also giving suggestions.

There was an excellent topic about raising boys where @aphoenix gave some great advice. It believe it applies to kids generally:
https://tildes.net/~life.men/17xb/how_do_you_parent_boys

As others here have said, try not to overthink it. No one is perfect and it can be stressful to compare ones kids too much with other peoples kids or feel inadequate when reading advice and recommendations from expert that can be hard to live up to in practice. I believe that most people are basically good enough parents if they don't neglect, hit or yell at their kids constantly. Give them love and attention, just don't forget yourself in all this.

Speaking of well behaved kids, I have struggled with frustrations about my own two girls at age 4 and 6 who I find often behave in many unacceptable ways at home. Though the important word is at "home". It is at home in the safety of their parents that kids usually test things out and stretch the limits of their boundaries. They can sometimes appear as completely different kids when we are visiting other people.

But really, these kinds of thing are really not relevant in your situation until a few years down the road. The first couple of years are mostly about keeping them safe and showing that you love them.

I've got a huge list, but the most important one right from the start is:

Don't be quiet

During pregnancy and after birth, do whatever you do normally. Watch movies at a normal volume, bang drawers, clink and clank dishes when filling/emptying the dishwasher.

Why? Kids learn what are "normal" noises pretty fast. If you walk on eggshells around them when they're small, you get a kid that wakes up if you cough too loudly in the other side of the house. We could watch movies/TV on our full 5.1 home theater setup at normal volume while the kid was sleeping either in our arms, next to us or in their own room down the hall. And we still can, when the kid is sleeping, they are OUT.

During the pregnancy we had a really barky and loud dog too and when they were born they didn't give a shit even if the dog barked pretty much right next to them because of the doorbell or something. They had gotten used to the sounds even in the womb.

Second most important thing I've done:

Bedtime chats and reading

Not important at first, but you should start reading to the kid as soon as you can. There is actual scientific proof that kids who listen to books read to them do better in life.

And when the kid starts talking, get them used to just chatting with you before going to bed. Bedtime usually gets their brains supercharged and all the thoughts and things that happened during the day pop up. Let them vent it out and actively listen if there is something you can help with.

This will become more and more useful the older the kid gets. We still do the bedtime chats and the kid is 11yo. I've found out a few cases of bullying and issues with lunch time and teachers etc just by listening and asking a few soft questions. Most of the time it's just a stream of thought that needs to be expunged through the mouth before actually relaxing =)

I think it's common to view children as products of the labor of the parent, products that we want to imbue with certain qualities: "well behaved", "well mannered", "well adjusted", and the like. Although these are praiseworthy qualities, it is easy to imagine the resentment that a child may feel towards being raised this way. I sure did. I never felt like I was good enough and, even now as an adult with children of my own, I am still susceptible to feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy.

As an alternative, consider that your son or daughter is the customer of the parent you are to them. By bringing them into the world, you have pledged to provide them with an upbringing that hopefully will enable them to achieve their potential, whatever that may be, throughout their adult life. However, they will be the ones to decide to what extent you fulfilled your pledge and to what extent you fell short. Indeed, when each person evaluates how they themselves were parented, they know full well where their parents excelled and where they fell short.

This does not mean that children don't have responsibilities to their parents, they do. But the burden will always be greater on the parent to show patience, forbearance, and kindness than it will be on the child to be obedient and well-mannered. My hope for my daughters is that they will view their parents as people who encouraged and supported them, as opposed to constraining and belittling them. Ultimately, though, they will decide.

Set up a sleep schedule for you and your partner. Overnights, one tends the baby and one sleeps for four hours - this sounds awful but it gives you a guaranteed four hours and at the changing of the guard nothing says the on duty parent can't or shouldn't nap during their 'shift', just that they have to get up if the baby makes a noise.

And don't be afraid to just say what you're feeling. Sometimes, babies are assholes. They don't know any better and it's better to just say "I'm putting you down for a while because you're tearing out my chest hair" than it is to get mad.

Where is the line between being too authoritarian vs too permissive?

I think what matters, the most, is that your boundaries/rules/standards are consistent and predictable. I've seen how this issue can really create insecurity in a child: why is something okay sometimes but not other times?

Also, just make sure you and your partner are united and on the same page. Even if you disagree with a decision, you must present a united front and support that decision in front of the child. Never contradict each other directly. (Children instinctively sense weakness and they will exploit it.)

Ultimately, it will depend on the child and your own lifestyle. I think some kids really need a bit more boundaries while others will chaff under the same limits, and other kids will find a natural equilibrium when given more free range rules where other kids would turn feral.

What are your thoughts on gentle parenting?

I think it's good to have as many different possible tools and techniques in your pocket that you can use as needed. I am not sure I really believe there's a one-size-fits-all parenting technique, and I'd really be suspicious of anyone who claimed they had one.

The program that our school district employes is Conscious Discipline, so that's definitely another one you might want to look into.

And, for added measure, The Explosive Child might be another good one to have in about 6 to 8 years from now.

I'm also open to newborn advice since that's what I'll primarily be dealing with for the next little while, obviously.

My son had colick, so the first year was really rough for us. He just turned 5, but here's the biggest things I remember from when he was an infant.

1. White/pink noise really helped him calm down. I actually set up a Google Home routine for this that we activated by saying "Hey Google, Red Alert," which would turn down the lights and play white noise on the speakers. It was super handy being able to trigger that when both of your hands were full.

2. Swaddles for the win. We called it the "baby burrito." The Velcro ones are handy, but it's still worth knowing how to wrap them by hand. Our son often needed to be swaddled for falling asleep, but would start to get fussy later in the night if he couldn't stretch his arms, and it's a lot harder to loosen up a Velcro swaddle quietly.

3. If you're having a boy, one phenomena we noticed during maybe one in ten diaper changes was that the sudden exposure to air would sometimes trigger the need to urinate (which gets extra messy with a boy given the upward trajectory and wider number of angles available). The trick I found was to briefly open the front of the diaper so the cooler air could cause that effect, then move it back over the front to absorb any sudden showers. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, but it blew my wife's mind and she's given the advice to plenty of other people, so I figured it might be worth mentioning.

4. Apply diaper ointment liberally with pretty much every diaper change. Apply it before there is a rash—not AFTER—and hopefully none of you will have to experience diaper rash first-hand.

5. Since you can't really safely put infants in a tub with any amount of water in it, my son didn't enjoy baths at all. But I found he actually didn't mind them if I used the detachable shower head to basically keep a continuous (gentle) shower of warm water on him the whole time (so keeping it on his legs while I or my wife washes his belly and arms, etc.). I think the extra stimulation and warmth of the water made it much more enjoyable for him as opposed to getting warm wet wipes that immediately started feeling cold, afterwards.

6. Start swimming lessons early and often. My son goes to daycare at the YMCA and they do weekly swimming lessons (which he LOVES), but we started him with the water acclimation classes as a baby, which have all given him a great foundation of fun and safe experiences in water. He loves playing in pools, doesn't have any problems getting his face wet, or putting his head in the water. Seeing how apprehensive most other kids his age are around water is surprising until we remember that our kid's affinity for the water is the real oddity.

7. Be easy on yourselves. Ignore what Facebook and other bullshit media try and peddle about what good parents do. Don't try and make every day for your kid magical and special, or feel bad because it isn't. As long as you give a shit, show up every day, and are making an effort, chances are that your kid will turn out great (even though there will always be hiccups and challenges along the way).

8. I bought a book titled "How to Not Hate Your Husband After Kids" as a half-joke for me wife, but both of us enjoyed the book and found some good bits in it.

9. Even if your wife doesn't have a C-section, act like she did. Be the one to change the first dozen or so diapers before your wife. You'll probably feel like you don't know what you're doing, but that's okay. If you waited a day before changing your first diaper, you wouldn't magically feel like you knew what you were doing, either, and chances are that waiting would have made it end up becoming more of a default job for mom. She's going to have a lot on her plate, already, and a ton of emotions, so step up and immediately make diaper duty yours and own that job.

10. If you don't have any ethical qualms with Amazon and have Amazon Prime, I cannot recommend Subscribe and Save strongly enough for all of those recurring baby things: diapers, wipes, diaper cream, etc. You can get a pretty significant discount on the diapers (especially if you have 5 or more items in an order) and having it set up takes a good bit of mental load off during a period when you're likely going to be chronically sleep deprived and frazzled.

Congratulations!

The good part is that physically playing with toddlers and small children is a great way to bond and its fun. I still remember my dad pushing me on swings. He later built a tire swing for me, and a rabbit hutch. Your kid might not want either of those things, but being aware and responsive to their interests, helpful without being overbearing or intrusive is a good plan. Kids each have their own interests and personalities.

Babies are an odd combination of fragile and sturdy/resilient. My brother terrified my mother at about age two. He wandered away while she was painting a wall and crossed a street and fell off a thirty foot edge onto asphalt. He was in pain and he yelled and she should have been more careful, but he was fine. Nothing broken.

My brother also at about age four, lost sight of us in a store once, decided that he had been left, and chose to walk home. He walked a mile and a half home while everyone scrambled trying to find him. Today there are leashes for small children and i recommend them when out in crowds of people.

Infants are squirmy and will do their best to fall off the edge of whatever table you use to change diapers. You will quickly learn to hold them in place.

Toddlers have an instinct to climb and you will want to make sure that furniture such as bookshelves are anchored so they can't pull them down on top of them.

If it a appeals to you, an amusing way to learn about common hazards for infants and toddlers is the video game Whose Your Daddy. The game designers set up two opposing objectives. The baby player tries to find ways to kill themself in an ordinary house. The dad player tries to prevent them from coming to harm. There might also be videos on youtube of people playing. It is of course not fully realistic, but kids find hazards at a certain age so be aware.

One useful thing to buy are those electric outlet covers. Very small children explore everything, with and without tools. They also put everything possible into their mouths.

Edit, I just re-read your question and I went off on unrelated tangents. Modeling friendly civil interactions, inviting friends, family to your home, consistent rules, making sure your attempts to correct poor behavior are age and developmental stage appropriate. Maintain a certain amount of adult space and interest for yourself. This kid is a very important priority but will grow up and leave, as they should. Keep your relationship alive and nurture your spouse while parenting. Model love, self respect, sense of humor, manners. Kids are tremendous imitators.

I love the fact that so many people are stressing how each child is different. Some are naturally well behaved. Some are colicky. Some struggle with mental challenges. Some will question all authority with a wisdom beyond their years. The same parents, the same upbringing, all will end with wildly different results. Your child is not a reflection of you.

You are likely over estimating your ability to change your child for the better... As we get older, our behavior is our ultimately choice, based who we are, and the influence of our friends. You can probably screw things up by either being too stern or by being to laid back, but once a child goes to school, your ability to influence them drastically goes down.

Your definition of well adjusted and well behaved, will change over time. Personality stays the same, but the brain changes. For instance, around 2-3, all children draw stick figures with arms and legs coming directly out of the head. It isn't until they are 4 years old that they understand there is a body in between their head and their arms and legs, and can actually draw a stick body. The young brain is just incapable of comprehending certain things that seem obvious to us with adult brains.

Young children will be completely unable to understand that you are a person, with different thoughts and feelings from them. They are selfish little shits, but cute as hell, and that is exactly what they should be.

Slightly older children will be generous with time, but selfish with possessions. We try to explain that sharing is caring, but I am convinced their little brains are completely unable to comprehend that scarce resources should be shared.

Pre teens will start to test boundaries. Which is a sign of a well behaved and well adjusted child. They will swear, and if you give consequences for swear words, they will use substitute words "Ahhhh Duck!" or use some other way to hint at the swear word without actually saying it.... "Holy Shhhh." Unless you like awkward conversations with teachers, you simply have to learn to curb your tounge around your kid and consistently impose consequences for swearing, then deal with the natural complaints that so and so swears like a sailor.

Some ideas on things to do.

• Praise the kid for good behavior. Calmly explain why "we don't do that" for inappropriate behavior. Let natural consequences happen. Consistently impose consequences. When they are younger, use 1 minute time out for each year of age.
• Read. Every night. My wife made me do this from month 1, and it felt incredibly stupid until the little bundle of blubber figured out how to turn pages, then it became fun. My kid learned to read at a surprisingly young age.
• Get out of the house. First in a stroller, or one of those marsupial pouches. Then to the park. Daily if you can.
• Daily routines are important for younger kids. Yearly traditions are important for older kids. They wont remember all the sacrifices you made. They will remember the s'moores you made while camping.
• Apologize. They wont remember all those times you didn't lose your shit. They will remember that one time you did lose your shit.

Your Parenting Mojo has a weird name but a lot of good evidence-based parenting advice.

A little further out, I recommend looking at Montessori preschool if you can afford it. Most of them have an early childhood program, but really start in earnest at 3 or 4. It is so much more than just daycare - they teach practical life skills, do things to develop fine motor skills, practice peace. It is amazing. Honestly, learning from the Montessori teachers is one of the things that made me a better parent.

Couple of newborn tips:

• When the baby is crying you can shush them really loudly. Like uncomfortably loudly. The womb is a loud place, so loud white noise can be soothing.
• You can swing them in the football hold to soothe them
• sometimes babies just cry - if they have been fed and changed and burped, it's okay to let them cry
• don't ever leave the baby unattended on a high surface like a changing table even if they have never rolled over -- they are doing "firsts" all the time.
• even if you are using disposable diapers, get some snap or Velcro covers made for cloth diapers. They make a great second layer of protection against blowouts when traveling. You want ones with double gussets on the legs. Beyond that, there are lots of different kinds, and babies have lots of different shapes, so if you can find a cloth diapering store, the people there can give you advice and options.
• Establish a bedtime routine early - a sequence of things you do in a specific order every time leading up to bed. This helps prime the baby for sleep.
• the first six months are hard in a lot of ways, but the baby is easy to take places because they sleep a lot and are in the carrier. So enjoy restaurants and eating out in that period. It gets much harder to be out from 6 months to maybe 1.5 years.
• Find fun books to read. The Sandra Boynton board books are great. Also anything by Margaret Wise Brown. If there is a book you do not like to read, disappear it for your own sanity.
• look into baby lead weaning - the short version is that you skip the baby food and just give them solid food around 6 months - the goal is not for them to sustain themselves with it (they still get most of their nutrition from milk), but to learn how to feed themselves and experience lots of different food. YMMV but it worked great for us.

And beyond the practical stuff, take time to just ... be with the baby. Someone told me when my daughter was born, "enjoy this time, it goes by so fast," but I didn't know what that meant because I could not imagine her any way but the way she was. One day, they will start to stretch out and the baby fat rolls will disappear. Their little chubby feet will just be like regular people feet. So even when you are exhausted and frazzled (you will be), remember to drink in those moments because they change faster than you can believe.

Congrats on becoming a dad!

Speaking as a son and not a dad (no kids), I think one of the most important things is just being present. Truly present not just physically present. Giving a kid a bedrock of memories to build themselves on top of. I'm over 40 and I still mentally reference things my dad and I did as a kid, and things he taught me both explicitly and by example.

Also remember nobody's perfect, your going to mess up but it's ok. Every dad before you has gotten it wrong in different ways, and we're all still here. You got this.

Boundaries and a sense of humor

I’m not a parent but I’m curious if parents here are AirTagging their small children. It seems like a perfect way to never lose them.

Love them for who they are, don't try to make them conform to your view of who they should be.

One of the things I have the hardest time with is "Don't blame your child". It's of course more applicable when they're younger but nevertheless. You are the adult so you control your own action/reaction whether it feels like you do or don't. That's where they learn from.