My partner says our relationship has always felt suffocating, but she does not know what she wants. What would you do?
Hi tilderinos! We all love a good relationship drama thread, so I wanted to add my own. I'm posting from my main account because all this dirty laundry is already open and out between both my partner and all my friends and family. Thank you for any advice or support you can offer <3
Disclaimer
I had to use ChatGPT to help with this, so that's why it reads a little different and ended up a bit like a reddit post. What I initially wrote was a stream of consciousness and it was really difficult for someone to read and give any good advice. So I kindly asked Mr Altman to help me format my thoughts and remove any particular one sided emotions or weighting to make it a little more objective and I'm more happy with what it's come out with.
The current problem
My partner and I are going through a very difficult point in our relationship, and I would really appreciate some outside perspectives.
The short version is: my partner of nearly four years recently told me that our relationship has always felt suffocating to her. She said she has tried to look for positives from the last few years and cannot find any. At the same time, she cried heavily while saying this, has booked herself into therapy, and says she does want a partner eventually. She just does not know whether that partner is me, or whether she can be in this relationship as it currently exists.
I love her deeply, but I also feel ignored, pushed away, and emotionally starved. I am trying to decide whether I should stay and give her space, leave, or take a formal break by moving out for a few months.
Background / how we got here
For context, I have had three serious long-term relationships before this one, and I think I have become much more emotionally mature through them, though I’m sure I still have plenty to learn. This is my partner’s first serious relationship. She has not dated much before, and in my opinion, she has also not had many deep, emotionally close friendships. She is also strongly suspected to be somewhere on the autistic spectrum, though she has never been officially diagnosed.
We met online and were extremely into each other. When we met in person, the chemistry was great, and afterwards we missed each other constantly. After almost a year, I started asking how we could make the relationship work long-term. She said it felt like a big jump, but we talked about it a lot and she eventually seemed fine with the idea.
Not long after, I moved in with her, which also meant moving country. To her credit, she was extremely helpful and considerate during that process.
Just before I moved in, she broke her leg badly and spent over a week in hospital. I helped as much as I could, but it was a very stressful start. I was moving country, taking on more chores, and trying to care for her at the same time. I did it because I love her, and I knew she would physically recover eventually.
What we did not expect was how much the recovery would affect her mentally. She became quite depressed, which is understandable, and it really took the wind out of the first year and a half of us living together. She had very little energy for me or the relationship, and intimacy was limited. I was not getting my needs met either, but we talked a lot and I felt like I understood what she was going through.
Around a year ago, things started to improve. Her mood was better more often, she seemed more present, and when we were intimate, she seemed to put in more effort. I was still the one initiating anything physical, which bothered me, but I hoped that would improve over time. Dates, time together, and our general friendship also seemed to be getting better. I felt like she was slowly trusting me more and letting me in.
Our living situation probably has not helped. I work from home all day, every day, in a room next to the living room. It is a very public space, and I think neither of us has really felt alone. Sometimes I would also play video games after work in that same area, which meant I was still in her space.
Her emotional difficulties
One of the hardest parts is that my partner has extreme difficulty understanding her own emotions. She talks openly about this. She often says she bottles everything up and does not really understand what she feels or why. She has also said she used to feel a lot more when she was younger, but at some point her difficult relationship with her parents caused her to start repressing things.
She often cannot answer direct questions about what she wants. Most of the time, her answer is “I don’t know.”
Sometimes, if we sit down and talk through it slowly, I can help her get to a clearer answer. But it takes a long time, and it is obviously hard work for her. I am also worried that this dynamic can become almost like therapy, where I am trying to guide her into understanding herself. I do not think that is healthy for either of us.
Another thing that scares me is that she seems unable to hold onto positive emotional experiences. We have had romantic dates and close moments where I know she felt something. I could see love, warmth, energy, and joy in her. But if I ask her about those moments a day, week, or month later, it is like the feeling is gone. She will just say, “It was fine.”
That makes the situation very confusing. When she lets her guard down, the relationship can feel genuinely loving and connected. That is part of why I am struggling to walk away. But she often makes an effort to avoid these moments.
I also have a strong suspicion that I might be the first supportive relationship with anyone she's had in her life before. Her family and her close friends (the same friends all the way from high school) do not offer any kind of emotional support or affection. They are the kind of people who don't say "well done!" but "...You could have done this better." There's been lots of instances during the relationship where she's reacted with confusion or surprise at what I would consider basic levels of kindness and support.
The recent breaking point
This past winter, her mood dropped again. She became increasingly cold and shut me out. We went a long time with no physical contact, not even cuddling. She did not seem interested in anything I had to say, whether it was important or not, and she had very little to share with me either.
After a few weeks, I sat her down and asked what was going on.
That is when she told me the relationship was too much for her, and that it always had been. She said it felt suffocating and that she did not know how to “come up for air.” She said she had tried to find positive things in the relationship but could not find any, not even one, from the last three years.
At the same time, she was looking me in the eyes and crying extremely hard. We talked for hours, and I think she got a lot of catharsis from finally saying it.
After that conversation, she immediately booked herself into therapy because she said she needed someone to help her understand herself. I think that is a good step. But it also feels very much like an “I need help now” decision, rather than her having any clear long-term idea of what she wants.
She has admitted, through tears, that she thinks she would be lonely and unhappy alone. She does want a partner. She just does not know if that partner is me, or if she can be with me in the version of the relationship we have had so far. Honestly, I agree that the relationship as it has been is not sustainable.
What has changed since
Since that conversation, we have drifted apart. I am sad about it and I miss my girlfriend, but right now it feels like we are two separate people living in the same building.
The first practical thing I did was move my office outside the house, because I thought that would give us both more breathing room. I think that was a good step, but it has not fixed the deeper issue.
She has also become completely glued to her phone in a way I have never seen before. She still uses her usual apps, but she also downloaded a random stranger-chat app, similar to Omegle, where she talks to people about their lives. She seems fascinated by it, almost like it is a real-life sitcom.
I was obviously concerned by that. I challenged her on whether it was appropriate to be using an app like that while our relationship was in such a bad place, especially when those apps can easily become sexual. She said she deletes anyone who gets sexual and that she just wants to talk to people, but does not know how to do that any other way.
She offered me her phone, and from what I saw, the conversations were shallow and non-sexual. I do not think she is cheating on me. What it looks like to me is that she is seeking low-pressure connection with strangers while avoiding the pressure and emotional weight of our actual relationship.
She does not seem able to tell me what she wants from me or the relationship. When I ask whether she wants to stay together, move apart, take a break, reduce contact, stop physical affection completely, or work on things, the answer is usually “I don’t know.”
For my part, I want to support her, but she is not really accepting support from me. In fact, I think my care may sometimes make her feel more pressured, upset, or resentful. I have stopped being romantic and I am not initiating physical touch. I am trying to give her as much space as possible. But even small thoughtful gestures, like making her a cup of tea, can be met with coldness or irritation. I understand why she might feel overwhelmed, but it still hurts.
What I am considering
The practical side is not a major barrier. I have a good financial buffer, my job is secure and remote, and I could rent an apartment or potentially move in with someone we know. I have options, and moving out would be reasonably low-risk for me.
So I think my options are:
- Stay, give her space, and support her when she asks for it.
This might give therapy a chance to help. But it could also leave me waiting indefinitely for someone who may never be ready, or who may eventually decide I am not her person.
- Leave.
This would hurt both of us, and she would lose a major source of support. But it might also be the cleanest option if she genuinely cannot be in the relationship and I am only prolonging the pain.
- Take a formal break by moving out for a few months.
This feels like a possible middle ground. It would give her space to understand herself without the daily pressure of living with me, and it would give me some emotional distance too. The idea would be to check in after a set period and keep only light contact in the meantime.
What I need advice on
What would you do in my position?
More specifically:
- How much space is reasonable to give someone who says the relationship feels suffocating but cannot say whether they want to leave?
- At what point does being patient and supportive become abandoning my own needs?
- Is it appropriate to push her, even gently, when I feel like I know how to help?
- Is there a better option I am not seeing?
I love her, and when things are good between us, the connection feels rare and real. But those moments are not happening enough, and I am struggling with how cold and uncertain things have become.
It really sounds like there is no relationship left and there hasn't been one for a long time. You're not married. The only thing keeping you there seems to be hopefully things get better in like a year maybe?
So what I got from what you wrote is that you're just trying to delay the inevitable.
If she says she can't remember the relationship ever having been good and always having been suffocating...it's not a relationship and she doesn't respect either of you.
It's sad, but she probably needs a chance to be alone in order to grow. Not a break. Alone alone.
My ex had a similar, but more traumatic, life to what you described your girlfriend going through and, from what I hear, being single has really given her an opportunity to reflect on herself. It's also given me an opportunity to find a happy, healthy relationship with someone who can support me and who actually accepts my support.
@kaffo strikes me as a person that consistently puts their partner ahead of their own needs, at least from this post alone. This is natural for a relationship where one side is dealing with some long-running issue. There's also the problem that leaning on your partner in tough times is a core part of a relationship. If it becomes a recurring thing though, the partner becomes this weird mix of caretaker and best friend that threatens to erode who they are completely. This is an incredibly tough line to draw for anyone, because it feels like abandoning your friend/partner when they need you most, but if they're constantly needing you the most, you as an individual will cease to exist.
To you, kaffo: your girlfriend has said to your face that she's felt like she's suffocating for the entire relationship. Coupled with her other words it sounds like a major reason she didn't break up with you is because she doesn't want to be alone, not because she wants to be with you.
This isn't the sort of talk I expect from someone who should love and cherish you. You need to leave, move out and give yourself a clean break. This isn't healthy.
That's very well said actually. I feel like that does resonate. Thanks!
The optimist in me is thinking that if she resolves her issues, she'd want me as a romantic partner. But this might be big time wishful thinking.
Even if she does, you don't owe her anything.
A relationship is a give and take. Yes, absolutely partners should love and support another. It's great she sought out therapy, but you don't have to stick around. You don't deserve that kind of hurt.
Thanks, I appreciate it!
It's hard to let go. Remember: doors that are closed can be re-opened ... as long as you don't bolt them shut by creating too much baggage on the way out.
From what you've written here it seems that sticking around now and trying to work through everything has little chance of fixing the fundamental issues with the relationship and a high chance of creating baggage and stymieing the personal growth that your partner clearly needs some time and space to work through (though you cannot force or expect her to).
I've had two what I would term 'very serious' relationships in my life. In both of them we at some point took a significant break where we broke up and had no contact because we had things to work through on our own (though our circumstances were very, very different than yours). In both instances both I and my (ex) partner grew a lot from the separation. And in the second instance we 'chose' each other again after we'd learned and grown and thought things through and are now happily married.
Relationships can take a lot of paths, and none of it is a waste as long as we're learning and growing. It seems that you sticking around will slow the growth and increase the chance of the door being welded shut. It sounds as though it's time to let go, at least for now.
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it. I do agree with that you're putting down.
... And as somebody who's negotiated this situation before, not having a baseline level of respect and interest from your partner doesn't feel good.
It offers a chance to reflect how often you (the selfless giver, not you specifically) are aware of your own needs and what your expectations are from a partner.
Whether you choose to stay or go, this will be a chance to take a personal inventory of what you need in a partner.
Like, it's a chance to build that vision board of top shelf must-haves and establish which are absolutely necessary for you to feel like a full human being. On her side, it's likely not the most amazing feeling to have your lack of emotional maturity doted on (sorry if my choice of words is too direct). Like the old stereotype of highschool girls who chase bad boys, we're all looking to get out of our skin no matter the cost in our formative years. It sounds like she never lived out her formative years.
As somebody who's also had to learn that giving service and empathy do not automatically mean you're in a loving relationship. I feel like I can appreciate this.
Thank you I appreciate the honest post. I agree she's missed a lot of her formative years, there's more to it that's way more complicated that's hard to post all here, but her life didn't really start until 28.
I do have work to do and I think that's my mission for the next few months. Some reflection and looking forward while getting on my feet in a new apartment.
All the best. Transition is tough but it seems like you've a level head and you're taking it in stride. Take care ❤️
Given what OP said about their partner, I don’t think it’s safe to assume that she doesn’t respect OP. It really sounds like their partner has some emotional issues/trauma that make it so they just do not understand how a relationship works.
But I agree that it does sound like this relationship is not healthy for either party.
Yeah my reading is more like this. I think she does care about me, maybe even quite a lot. But she doesn't know how to care for someone.
It's possible that has been weighing on her for a long time too that she can't provide what I ask for/need.
She's been very clear for a long time that she doesn't have the capacity the way we've been living for me. There's a lot of time she's in "decompress" mode. She's been quite upset about it in the past to be honest.
I would have preferred to read something you wrote yourself, even if lacking structure, because I can't tell whose character is showing between the lines of this text and my comments may go off the mark for that reason. (I appreciate the transparency regarding LLM use though.)
The main thing I got from this is that you are overly focused on what your partner is or isn't doing/feeling/wanting. This does not seem healthy and it's fairly likely a factor in why she feels suffocated. Not the only factor obviously, and it's good that she is starting therapy. But you should be mainly writing and asking about your own behaviour, not going into details about your partner. For example:
How does something like this actually happen? Do you just go ahead and make her a cup of tea without asking whether she'd like one? Or did you mean that when you ask, the question is met with irritation? Or that you spontaneously make her a cup of tea, take it over to her, and she gets irritated about that?
The latter isn't actually a thoughtful gesture. You don't know if she actually finds a cup of tea helpful in that moment. Assuming that she does and acting as if you can read her mind can feel very upsetting for the person this is done to.
I know this example is very small and I don't know if it could be indicative of a broader behavioural pattern in your relationship. But if it were, that would explain why your partner is feeling suffocated and also why she is finding it very hard to talk to you about it.
My advise:
Edit: typos
Sorry about the LLM usage, I do agree taking out the subjective tone does possibly make it harder to comment on. But I feel like my writing style can really make it hard for people to follow my train of thought. I dunno. So far the replies have been really good!
You're right that I do think a lot about her. I do think about myself too and my actions/thoughts/feelings but I'll be honest it's the not the majority of the time. It's a balance I'm getting better at (I used to never think about myself at all!).
This one! I'll ask, because I'm making one or making something and it's like flat "no" or "fine" and then no thanks. Or she just ignores it and leaves it on the table and doesn't even drink it. So I'm like "what's the point?". It's very much pulling me in two directions because I don't feel like I should:
So it sucks both ways. It's just my nature and upbringing that I want to be caring and look after someone.
I understand your points in the summary. I mean, you're likely right and what that means is that it's probably not healthy to live like this.
You reminded me, I did one thing I definitely regret now a week ago. She was suck in her phone texting one evening and I had a really bad day. The TV was on and she wasn't paying attention and kept asking what was happening. So I snapped a little and said something like "I think you should stop spending so much time on your phone, you're obsessed, you can't even focus on the TV. That can't be healthy" and she just said "yeeaaahhhhh" and put it down for the evening. But she had it back the next day.
I felt terrible in a lot of ways, I felt like her mother or something and it was bad vibes all around.
When you do nice things for her, is the motivation for doing them at least partially giving to get? As in: if I do this for her, she will think better of me / love me / appreciate me / do something back that I like?
Regarding the snapping about her phone, the scene seems pretty normal for a relationship that's going through a rough patch. We all snap sometimes, it's not an issue on its own. There's something about your dynamic though that makes her feel the way she describes. Sometimes when one person in a relationship is overly responsible (you in this case), it can serve to create a situation where the other has no space to be responsible at all, even if they want to. But that type of thing can't go on forever and I'm guessing you guys have arrived at the point where something must give.
Wanting to help others is generally a good thing but there can be too much of a good thing. If you've learned to cope with stress and uncertainty by doing things for others, you may be unconsciously doing even more of that now that there's a feeling of dread hanging over your head. That may make her feel even more suffocated than she did before. She probably needs a lot of space and freedom if she is to ever learn what she wants, how she wants to do things in life, what her values are, etc. If you've been sort of parenting her a lot, there may not be space for her to do this learning because the "parent" is there all the time watching and potentially judging her for any mistakes she might make, or for flailing (deciding she likes something and then later realising she doesn't and changing opinions). Even if you're not actually judging, you witnessing everything may already be enough of a deterrent.
But for yourself, you should be the main focus. You see your partner (probably correctly) as someone who doesn't know what she wants. But do you yourself know what you want? There's some reason for why you're too other-focused for your own good. For example, if it's daunting to figure out life for yourself, it can feel like a relief to focus on fixing someone else's life instead. It can provide the perfect escape.
No, when I do nice things for my partner it's to make them happy. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a smile on their face when I do something for them. I run purely on positive feedback haha. I remember my driving instructor stopped getting me into trouble when I did stuff wrong and instead gave me sweets when I did stuff right and I very quickly learned haha.
I'll note though that my partner has accused me (a lot) over the years that I'm trying to get something out of her, and I only tell her she's pretty because I want something or I'm "bias". Which always annoyed me. Though in the "good times" around a year ago I noticed a shift where she started taking compliments seriously and stopped accusing me of doing things for my own gain and I felt like it was a great step forward.
Yeah I understand that, I think I've been quite good at backing off! Recently things have been really practical, just food and any appointments that kind of thing. I stopped doing "cute" kind things completely when I realised I was just pissing her off. Though I thought I could get away with making tea....
I have a reasonably good idea now yeah. I want a long term relationship with someone I care about and cares about me. Equal partnership where we both try to make up for each other's weaknesses. The older I get the more convinced I want kids. Someone would need to be really special to make me consider otherwise. I want a house outside the city, with a dog (or two). My work is going well, I don't need to focus on it for it to succeed I think.
I thought I had all those things with my current partner. We talked about kids more than once and while early she was a maybe, she actually seemed to warm to the idea as she got older.
But yeah, I've got a good idea. I'm not exactly looking forward to the idea of dating again if it comes to that to be honest. I always hated dating but maybe it'll be better in a different country and a bit older.
12.06.26 Update
Hey everyone, I wanted to post an update after a very complicated week.
First off, my (ex) partner and I have agreed to break up. I did feel a weight off my shoulders and the longer I sat with it the more I realised I was pushing her over and over again into a relationship she didn't want, but I did. It was never going to work as we want different things right now.
That said, some good out of it all. She is really keen on getting into therapy and trying to work through her issues so she can get to a place (eventually) to really embrace a romantic relationship. She's still finding this all really hard to process, but I think that she really has some deep feelings for me she's unable to express (or really understand herself) that she desires, but she's self aware enough to know she's not ready for that yet.
For me, I'm moving out. I found a decent apartment, I signed a lease and I'm leaving next week. It's a move an hour and a half away, I've got a lot on my plate for the move but looking for a therapist near my new place is high on the list once I get there.
I've come to realise over the last week with some introspection that I do have some bad, obsessive qualities around my romantic relationships. I always have and I suspect it's been a problem for other ex's too. I have a tendency to see a negative mood or reaction then respond with a "good boyfriend" act, like a romantic gesture or more quality time. Instead of asking my partner what they want or need, I just assume and I get upset when they don't respond well.
I said it before, I'm always working on myself. I think I am a better person in a lot of ways now than I have been in the past, and this is another step in the right direction. Of course, I'd like to speak to a professional about it and dig deeper. It's been a bit of an eye opening experience for me.
Anyway. I move out soon, I've already got a lot of fun activities planned for myself which I'm excited to go to in the next few weeks. My (now) ex asked if we could stay friends and I said we could try, but be prepared to go no contact if there's feelings involved.
Thank you everyone for your support, comments and most importantly the people who called me out. This community is wonderful and I'm very glad to be here.
You had to make a tough decision to step away from someone you care about. If you feel regretful or spiral (both totally normal after a breakup), just remember the sense of relief that you felt once things ended. You made the right decision for you. Good luck with the move, and hope you have fun doing the new and exciting things you have planned!
As I always say in these circumstances: congratulations!
I'm happy for you, you seem to really have risen to the occasion. To learn about yourself but also to exit gracefully leaving her every opportunity to do the same.
However much it may suck now, imagine getting here in 5 more years? That would have sucked tremendously more!
Somewhere down the line you might have a chance to be good friends and that is quite something: to have good friends!
It sounds like you've put thoughts into different options, and that the situation has been painful for the both of you for a while.
Thanks for giving us the heads-up about LLM use. Side caution: Recently I asked one to translate something for me, from English to Cantonese which is my native language, because I was on a device that doesn't let me input characters easily. It did a great job with tone and content, but it also interjected entire phrases I did not come up with, that its processes predicted fitting to add. So my gentle caution is that when thoughts are disjointed or in a shamble or comes out all at once, an LLM can do some heavy lifting for us, but it also deprives our persons the experience of wading through our own weeds, of forcing us to rephrase things with objectivity, and finally the chance for our brains to organize our own narrative to tell ourselves.
Back to your relationship.
How did you end up moving in with her? Was she enthusiastic and made all kinds of prep for you and set up a lot of plans and signed you up for health care, insurance, gym membership, drivers license, tax stuff etc for you? Or did you do almost all of the leg work and sorted everything out and she just gave you a key when you showed up?
Has she always defaulted to "I don't know" during serious discussions or is that new since after you moved in?
From what you said, it sounds like the relationship has two phases: long distance romance that worked great, and your physically being there which in her mind has "always" been suffocating. That is a heavy rejection, and I would suggest you find yourself licensed, human help to deal with the implication of having someone sob and tell you this. My advise would be to move out and assume the relationship is over: if she doesn't miss you at all, doesn't call to make plans to get together, doesn't share what she's learned in therapy to help your relationship, then she does know, and has already given you an answer. Sometimes people can be cowards who don't want to end a bad-good thing, so they just hope it goes away on its own.
She seems excited to dive into chat apps that gives her both the intensity and distance. Please realise that she's doing what she did when she met you: engaging with others carefully from a distance. Maybe your instincts about her emotional and relationship readiness is correct, that she doesn't want a full time actual human relationship, much less a common law life partner, only sporadic and virtual and distant one.
This is what stood out to me, too. Your girlfriend never had a serious relationship previously, and you went from online dating to moving in? I don't know how old she is, but I can completely see how a woman with no serious dating experience suddenly has a new and intimate roommate with demands, needs, and who never leaves home, and she has no idea how to process this information. There's no time to herself. There's no one else to discuss this new information or these new emotions with. It's just endless new stimuli with nowhere to put them. Of course she feels overwhelmed, and of course she doesn't know what to do, and of course she feels burnt out. This isn't to cast judgement or blame you for this, but I think this one detail is the crux of all your current problems.
As far as I know, I'm not on the autism spectrum, but I do remember in my early dating days that I felt very much like I needed to put any long-term partner before my own needs. I would frequently burn myself out, and realize only later that by accommodating someone else before me, I didn't take the time to take care of myself, and it contributed to the collapse of those relationships. I figured it out as I got older, but this pattern was true for me even when I had my own space. Your girlfriend does not! I can't even imagine what that must feel like. I think regardless of what happens in your relationship, if you intend to salvage anything, you must move out and give her space. Weeks of space at least. Don't "drop by" to check in. Don't to nice things for her. Just move out and give her a lot of space. Let her get back to a normal and stable emotional state. Let her go to therapy and work through her feelings. If she's anywhere like I was when I was at the breaking point, there is nothing you can do to fix things except get far away, and let her do her healing on her own. Any input - positive or negative - feels like a burden, and she has to have a full reset and recalibration to be back in good working order. She is not datable right now, and you being around, even to help, is not a good idea. She needs space.
If she eventually is open to friendship or dating, I would take it very, very slowly. Meet somewhere in public for a short meetup. Go home alone. If she eventually feels comfortable inviting you over, go home afterwards. I think if she misses you and wants you back in her life, it might feel very easy to try and pick up where you left off and "return to normal". The problem is that your "normal" did not work for her, she didn't know how to tell you, and you need to make a new "normal", one where she has time and space to process and figure out how she's feeling. If you want to be kind and supportive to her, give her all the space. This sounds like a really difficult situation, but I hope things work out, even if that only means that you both stay friends. Relationships are hard, especially when you don't have a good baseline of what you're like as a partner.
This is really well put and wise. You deserve the exemplary tag!
Completely agree with what you said about why she feels the way she does. It's exactly what I think too and I feel terrible for her.
It's really sad because we spent years checking in with each other and "making progress" but she was never really true to her own feelings.
Thanks for the post, I'm going to see what my options are.
As someone who has been in relationships with people I loved but from whom I also desperately needed space, it took me a long time to undo my social conditioning to put men before myself. I'm also really introverted, and I have met men who get offended if I need time and space to myself, which exacerbated the feelings that I needed to put myself second, even when I was feeling increasingly strained. In some cases I didn't even notice that burden until I just broke down crying in a public place (which is very embarrassing). It may be that your girlfriend was never encouraged or felt able to assert her boundaries, and even at my age I still feel a lot of friction when I do. (I just don't care anymore, and I was lucky to find a spouse who lets me be myself. One of the benefits of age...)
One thing I noticed in some comments from this thread is that your girlfriend had medical issues that put her in a vulnerable place when you first moved in, and you are someone where doting on another is a sign of love and respect. I think it's possible that this dynamic - where she was in an inferior position and you like to visibly do acts of service for others - may have made her uncomfortable from the start, but she didn't feel able to say anything, especially since you were doing such a nice thing! Sometimes, especially as an introvert, people doing me favours feels like the worst thing in the world, especially if all I want is to be alone, dumb, and selfish. It's incredibly taxing to have to perform gratefulness, and I often prefer that people ignore me until I'm ready to deal with it, like a small woodland creature. It's hard to explain. I may be projecting, but so many of the things you've written remind me of myself from an outside perspective, especially when I was younger, and I do wonder if a lot of your base incompatibility is an introvert-extravert thing.
I think your heart is in the right place, but I feel like there's perhaps a fundamental incompatibility here, where you know the things that you want and your girlfriend really doesn't. If you decide to move on, I hope you find someone who is as enthusiastically into you as you are into them, you have the same attachment style, and you both feel able to assert your boundaries confidently.
Ok a few things here. I get what you are saying about the LLM text changing. I did throughly read and re-read the output and then edit it again where I wanted to add/remove information and detail or emotion. So it's not just a dump, it has been edited. Also the text is honestly not that far off what I originally wrote, it just helped move paragraphs around and softened some of the language I used (which I didn't like but struggled to identify and rephrase). But I understand your point.
Regarding your questions on moving. It won't surprise you to hear she's a very practical person. So a lot of the practical things for moving she was really helpful with. I don't remember how proactive she was but I remember her researching and helping with getting a bank account, moving my stuff, getting the visa and phone. It all went really smoothly and she gave me a lot of support with that.
For "I don't know" yeah she's always been like that, for everything to be honest. She doesn't know what she wants for dinner, what she wants to watch on TV, where she'd like to go on holiday, yada yada. It's obvious now that she's not figured her self out at all. All these decisions and questions always felt like a huge mental weight on her shoulders and she would often just default to a random decision or ask me to choose for her.
I completely agree with your conclusions on space and also the texting. I think that sounds wise.
The more I read and the more I think about it the more that getting out of the situation seems healthy for both of us. Thank you.
I think it's hard to give advice without knowing you two. I came away from reading your post knowing the facts of the situation but with what felt like almost no understanding of the emotions at play, which I think is very important.
My instinct is that her going to therapy seems like a really positive step and is indicative that she wants to change. My suggestion would be perhaps for you to consider therapy for you as well, and use that to explore whether you have traits or behaviours that can be very intense - I know for me I have a tendency to seek closeness and connection, especially when someone feels more distant or like they're pulling away, and I'm mindful that that can be super intense or could feel suffocating. That might not be the case for you, I don't know, but looking into the possibility might help :)
You're very right about my traits. I have thought about it but not very deeply to be honest. I've had a lot of self confidence issues in the past and this is the first time I'm feeling like I'm actually a good boyfriend who's trying to help (even if that's not what she needs).
Honestly I am an intense partner and I've been trying to work to be less so. It's quite difficult to work on, especially when I don't get the best feedback from my partner. But it's a work in progress.
I agree it might be a nice idea to speak to a therapist too, I've got a number of someone too so I'll consider it!
Honestly it sounds like you two are just not a good match. There are people out there that would appreciate the type of care you want to give/receive.
This is the first time in this thread I've seen you admit to having faults. I'm not trying to insult you, I'm just sharing an observation.
I've written or thought things slightly similar to your post. And it took me too long to realize that I was also a huge part of my relationship issues, it wasn't only who I was dating that held all the blame.
You've received a lot of good advice already, but I would add that you should ensure you are communicating effectively and responding appropriately. Some things I have learned over time:
All that said, even if you do have a lot to work on personally, it doesn't mean this relationship is going to work out. No one on tildes can tell you with certainty, it is for you to figure out.
Yeah you're very right. Of course it's impossible to get everything out on paper and I'm never going to stop trying to self-improve.
I guess I'm posting with more confidence in myself and being my own cheer leader more because I am constantly fighting the inner monologue telling me I'm doing a terrible job. It's only in the last few years I've started to win the fight and it's liberating. Though I do appreciate that I should keep tabs on becoming arrogant about it.
I've made mistakes in this relationship and there's things I wish I could have done better, but there's been a lot of good too.
I do need to chill out a little and take a step back, be able to look at the whole picture and be more objective (ironically things I need to be better at work too!) but I'm working on it.
How do you articulate this? I feel like I am similar in getting hurt by lack of contact (I guess being ignored in that manner feels like a rejection of me even if the person signals their interest in other ways), but I also have a strong desire not to put that on someone else,
I guess another related question I have is what someone who's compatible with that trait is like? I guess I don't know what to look for in someone else because I haven't found someone compatible with that side of me where there's a mutual interest and availability before.
Ignoring your partner for weeks at a time isn't really a trait so much as being an asshole. Everyone has their own needs for space and rejuvenation and all that, but relationships are built on compromise. Even if you have extremely high requirements for personal space, you still need to compromise enough to not just ignore your partner for weeks at a time.
You communicate it the best you can, from as neutral of an emotional state as possible. If your partner is kind to you otherwise, they probably aren't doing this to be spiteful. So give them the benefit of the doubt and try to build understanding, while still openly sharing how it makes you feel. It's likely not something that will be resolved overnight (most relationship arguments aren't), so give it time, and give your partner grace if they are trying to improve but still fall into old patterns occasionally.
Thanks :) I think the bit I find really tricky is my internal conflict between not wanting to impose on a partner with my emotional needs (I've often said to people who have a tendency to apologise for not replying that I'd prefer they not feel pressure to reply and reply when they've got the headspace for it) and me getting emotionally dysregulated when I don't hear from someone I care about for a while because it feels like they're not interested in me no matter how irrational I know that to be. I've been seeing more recently that that is conflicting with my need for reassurance via contact - I thought I'd worked on that and avoiding unhealthy attachment, but I seem to be subconsciously freewheeling even if I'm consciously okay. It's tough!
Seconding therapy. This information plus the fact that you went from online dating to moving in together full-time sounds like everything was too much for your girlfriend, especially if this was her first serious relationship. I think the most important thing for you to do is move out and back waaaaaaaay off, give your girlfriend space to think things over and go to therapy.
Reading this thread, it strikes me that is sounds like you both are doing your best, in terms of trying to be what you think you need to be. The problem being that it isn't working out. Your needs aren't being met, and she feels stifled.
Which is a painful place to be. When I was in a similar spot, I wound up getting divorced. The silver lining is that years later, we're still fantastic friends. It turns out when we aren't living together and don't have the pressures of romantic entanglement, we genuinely get along. We just weren't good as a couple. I say this simply to say that it may be best if you guys split, but that doesn't imply hate or indifference, just an acknowledgement of what works and what doesn't. And that's ok.
Yeah, the more I reflect the more I realize I lived on wishful thinking for a long time. I have to think about how to be better with this in the future and how to be more respectful to my partner's needs too.
But yeah, in the future maybe one day we can be friends! But we'll see haha.
A common theme seems to be that you have been "hoping things would improve" since essentially the start of the relationship, and it sounds like things have gotten generally worse over time? In my opinion, this sort of uncertainty should be worked out four years into a relationship.
Couples counseling would be my advice. I was actually in a somewhat similar situation several years ago. We saw a great couples therapist, and we were actually able to work through the issues. That relationship did end about a year later, but we were able to end it on a relatively good note, without drama and both understanding our feelings.
This kinda hit hard. It's very right. I have spent a long time in this relationship waiting for things to improve.
And to be clear, I always felt like we were getting better, but just at a glacial pace. Things often didn't get worse, which is why I stayed. Though with this whole thing we've gone full circle and I do feel like all work has been undone. It's like spending years building something very fragile with her which I was so excited to see the end result, but someone sneezed and it's gone all over the floor.
Another thing I should have mentioned about couples therapy is that it's not always necessarily about "saving" a relationship. It can just be about figuring out what you both want out of life. That angle might make it feel more approachable if it's something you're considering.
We spoke about couples therapy and she was a hard no. It wasn't clear why, but out of all the things she has been "I don't know" about, she was quite against couples therapy.
Again, it's extremely difficult to give relationship advice, especially to people you don't know over the internet. So what I am saying realistically may not apply to your situation at all. But that being said, to me, my partner being this averse to couples therapy would be a red flag.
I think that is a really telling sign that there is a deep incompatibility between you two that she is not able to articulate. To me this sounds indicative that she has thoughts and feelings that she is unwilling to share (perhaps because she knows they would hurt you and doesn't want to hurt you?). If your instinct is that you'd prefer to know and that you could handle whatever it is that it was, that might be a warning sign for you that you don't instinctively try and give her the space she needs.
I think this is the clearest sign that a formal break might be helpful. It seems like she needs to know what life is like on her own.
It's also possible that she'll want to try dating some other people before knowing that you were actually a really great person and wanting to get back together and settle down with you. But there's also a possibility that she decides that she actually just likes living alone and truly doesn't want to date or be with anyone.
Yeah, it does feel like that.
Couples therapy is excellent when you’re in this spot.
This sounds suffocating.
To what extent do you want to be in this relationship for you and to what extent are you staying out of a sense of obligation?
Good question. It changes every week.
There is a large bit of obligation. I feel like I would be a horrible person to leave her alone, with no shoulder to cry on. We've had our fair share of times where she needed someone to be there and I could tell it meant a lot to her that I was. And I realize now and then that this isn't a romantic thing.
For me like yes I really want her. She's being cold and pushing me away but she's still the kind hearted, funny and dorky person just underneath. I suppose I have this fantasy that she's going to realize that she's self sabotaging and apologize, then want me back romantically. But it's not really what the evidence is saying the more I talk about it.
I was positive after the big conversation because I thought it was all evidence that she really wanted me in her life. I searched for a lot of clues and evidence that proved she would love me "when she was done with therapy" and some exist. But I'm not sure it's realistic.
Can you help me understand better the balance between her needing you and her pushing you away like this and being cold? Those two things don't typically coexist. Not saying it's impossible, but it's a little odd to see the juxtaposition of "I'm obligated to stay because she needs me" and "she's pushing me away" if that makes sense.
No that's fair. It's pretty confusing to me too.
Most days right now she's barely giving me the time of day. We eat together in the evening and that's all we see of each other for like an hour-ish but it's like surface level and she's usually on her phone.
There's been a few times, 3 I think, in the last 3 weeks where she's not seemed OK. One of these was after therapy and another was after a long day at work. And I asked her if she wanted to talk and she said yes. Then we ended up talking for a few hours, she would cry, I'd offer her some tissues and just listen really. She does not like hugs, but she would wait for a hug and cry on my shoulder.
Honestly just therapy for her. I'm aware it's not a meaningful connection, but I can see that it means something to her that she can let that out and someone will listen.
As a romantic partner, and even as a friend right now, I am dead to her apparently and it's not OK with me to be honest.
Sorry to keep asking questions instead of giving advice, but the better I (we) understand the better the ultimate advice can be. Can you explain what you mean when you say that you're dead to her even as a friend? A couple times in the last few weeks she's cried on your shoulder for hours. Same thing as above - that juxtaposition's not impossible, but kind of odd. What are you feeling that makes you say that?
No, I appreciate the attention! Questions are welcome.
Erm I suppose it's difficult to put into words? She's so hot and cold. For the most part I get nothing out of her, she won't even reply to texts when I'm not in the house most of the time, and if she does it's like one word or a thumbs up.
She replies to me with some level of scorn sometimes, gets irritated with most input I have to offer. Yet sometimes I'll catch her off guard with a joke and she'll belly laugh or she'll very suddenly and randomly text me a meme out of nowhere that she clearly thinks I'd like.
But the negative interactions far outweigh the positive ones. Us hanging out isn't fun, it's draining. I'm away from home just now for a week on a trip + funeral and she's not text me once, I can't even be bothered to text her because I know I'm not getting a reply.
This whole thing started because I was away for a work trip for 10 days, I came back and she was cold and I asked "OK we need to talk about this" and she said "yeah you're right, I was dreading you coming back and that's not OK".
All that says to me that she's done with me, she's clocked out. Maybe sometimes a moment sneaks in here or there but consciously she's pushing me away.
Okay. In general I think you know what the right answer here is; you haven't asked a whole lot of "how can I fix this" so much as "how much am I expected to take." Relationships can't be built solely on obligation. If your feelings are pretty much dead, and she's telling you she wants out anyway, well...
The way this whole thing happened was always going to be extremely difficult, as a couple posters have pointed out, and only a tiny fraction of relationships could've really survived it.
I think it's worth introspecting on what actually happened on the occasions where she ended up crying on your shoulder - like, very specifically. I still think it doesn't make much sense given everything else, and it'd be worth considering whether you basically forced that to happen when it wouldn't have organically. Not that it matters now, really, but for the future. You mention you're still developing your own emotional intelligence.
That and a few other things suggest that you may - may! - be more of the problem than you're owning up to, but it's quite hard to tell.
In part that's because we're getting the initial post through the LLM. It would, if you're feeling up to it, be helpful to see the whole transcript of your conversation with the LLM that led to this post. Ditto if you want to talk through how exactly the she ended up crying on your shoulder several times while simultaneously dreading you coming home.
I'm not blaming or attacking you, just trying to help; one of the benefits of the Internet is that you can occasionally get the counsel you need instead of the counsel you want, and because nobody knows you there are no consequences.
Again, I understand, you're very welcome to ask the questions and come to the conclusions you have. I'm glad people are helping out.
For the shoulder crying, yeah I mean, she doesn't ask for it. What's happened is I've entered the room and she has looked visibly upset or not OK, then I ask her what's wrong. There might be a bit of back and forth through sniffles where she tries to laugh it off. She'll say stuff like "can't you see I'm having a moment lol" So, I sit next to her and ask if she wants to just cry, then she just bursts into tears and starts talking about what's bothering her.
Writing it out now, yeah, maybe the problem is I'm just walking in and interrupting her, then instead of leaving her alone I'm forcing her to continue what's she's doing with me in the room.
I'm sorry if I come across like I'm not taking any blame, like there's no way for a relationship to only have one side, of course I've made a million mistakes and I talk about them with my partner, my family and my friends. I have a good support network.
I think what bothers me the most is that the way I "do" relationships doesn't gel well with other people over a long time. Ironically I had a really intense ex and I had to dump her because she was way, way too much and I suspect I probably have the same problem.
I guess therapy is the way to go to work out how to get better at this.
OK internet stranger (I say that but I've seen you in plenty of other threads!) this is difficult to post but here's the original version I had saved before I did any changes to it. Some of it is almost identical, but there's stuff there I don't like and it's why I ran it through the LLM. Especially one section where I call out her mental health and another section on the chat app usage, I wrote it all out as this horrible kinda "try and catch people asking about cheating before they ask" block of text and I hated it.
Original text
My partner and I are having a very tough time with our relationship right now. I would really appreciate some input from everyone like "what would you do?". I need to give a lot of context to let you give an opinion I'm afraid.
I've had 3 serious long term relationships and I've become a lot more emotionally mature over them (I'm sure I've got more to go!). This is my partner's first relationship and she's not dated much either. Nor could I say, in my opinion, she's had many deep, meaningful friendships either. My partner is also very strongly suspected somewhere on the autistic spectrum, but she's never been officially diagnosed.
So we've been dating for nearly 4 years now and I'm very aware I drove the relationship from the start. We met online and we were extremely into each other. We met up face to face and had great chemistry, then pined for each other every day. I waited almost a year and started talking about future plans, how could we actually make it work? And she said it was a big jump, but we talked about it a lot and she seemed happy with the idea. I moved in with her (moving country!) and she was honestly extremely helpful and considerate in the process.
Just before I actually moved in she broke her leg pretty badly and was in hospital for over a week. I helped out as best as I could. It was really stressful for me moving and also trying to take up the slack of chores and also look after her the best I could in that time, but I did it because I love her. And at the end of the day I knew she would recover if she was good with it. Turns out she ended up actually quite depressed from the recovery time (hardly surprising) and it really took the wind out of our first year and a half of the relationship. She didn't have any energy to put into me or the relationship, nor anything much intimate. She did however eventually recover from this particular low, but it took a long time. I wasn't getting my needs met either so I got frustrated, but we talked a lot and I felt like I understood how she was feeling, so at least I could justify it.
Around a year ago things got better. She was in a better mood more often, when we were intimate she was putting in more effort. Although, I initiated anything physical which always bothered me but I hoped it would get better. And her mood around dates, spending time together and general friendship was all getting slowly better and better. I felt like she was making real motions to actually trust me and let me in.
But the winter that just ended, her mood soured again. I suspect the time of year was a contributing factor, but she was increasingly cold and shut me off. We went a long time with no physical contact, not even cuddling. She would not care at all about what I had to say, if it was interesting or not and she had nothing to tell me either. I clocked on pretty quickly and I gave it a few weeks then sat her down and asked her to explain what was going on.
She said she the relationship was too much for her, and always has been. It feels suffocating to her and she doesn't know how to come up for air. She's tried to look at the positive things and she can't find any, none at all, in the last 3 years. Yet she looked me in the eyes and cried, cried so hard. She told me all of this and we sat and talked for hours, I think she got a lot of charthisis out of it.
My partner has extreme difficulties understanding her emotions, she actually has trouble feeling them at all. She openly talks about this and when we discussed how she felt she didn't know why or how she felt like this. Likewise, she seems incapable of remembering positive experience, which is scary. Both of us have had dozens of moments where we've been on a romantic date or doing something really close and I know she's felt something, because I've looked right into her eyes and she's just full of love, energy and joy. In a way she's not like almost all the time. But I ask her maybe a day, week or month later and it's gone, she says "it was fine".
I wasn't surprised by her statements at all because we talk a lot, and it's something that comes up often that bothers both of us, but we'd just never tried to fix it. Our living situation has not been good. I work from home all day, every day in a room adjacent to the living room. It's a very public space and you don't ever feel alone. I would play video games too sometimes after work and again it would be right on into her space.
So the first thing I did was move the office space outside the house and I felt like that was an excellent first step to getting out each other's way.
A few things happened since the conversation, first we both have drifted apart. I'm sad about it and I miss my girlfriend, but right now we are very much two separate entities living in the same building.
Second, she has been completely glued to her phone, like never before. She's got her usual apps, like insta and some match 3 games she really likes, but she also downloaded this random chat app like omegle where she could chat to strangers. And she is obsessed with talking to these random people about their lives, like a real life sit com.
And yes, I know what you're thinking. I have also had the same thoughts. I called her out on it and I said "when our relationship is doing so badly is it right to be on a site where you get dick pics sent to you and asked for your tits on the regular?" and she defended herself saying she always deleted anyone who got sexual, she wanted to talk to people and didn't know how to do it any other way. She offered me her phone and I checked, like her chats with these people are all completely stupid and surface level. They are sending memes to each other or someone sends her a dozen messages with a story about them getting wasted last night and passing out and she replies with "lol". And yes, I saw her other apps and unless she's really going out her way, I genuinely don't think she's cheating on me like that. When I brought it up, she seemed genuinely confused why I accused her. I honestly believe her head is all over the place.
Speaking of which, I personally think she has many unresolved issues. I think she's excellent at masking and I think she thought she could keep saying yes to me and it might be OK.
She often says "I bottle up all my feelings" and she openly admits that she used to feel a lot more when she was a child, but at some point her bad relationship with her parents caused her to start repressing them. She's got a huge wall up and I knew it, I have always been aware of it, but I thought I was making progress to bring it down. But I was wrong I think, she has never been willing nor wanting to bring the wall down and when the cracks started to show she freaked out and backed off.
I should mention, after the conversation she immediately booked herself in for therapy because she needed someone to talk to in order to help her understand herself. Very much a "I need help now" thing because she's just unable to think about the long term right now.
So now I'm getting all the backlash. I'm a catch I think (for the right person!) and I bend over backwards for the people I love. I don't deserve to be ignored and treated like I don't deserve love or affection. But I don't want to give up on her because I love her and I can see a future where she works through her issues and we are like the greatest couple. I hate the fact I'm more ready for a relationship than her, she's so many steps backward right now it feels like she's further behind than GO. I want to love and support her but she's not accepting it, she doesn't want it. I think it's actually making her more upset and resentful.
I can see a few options, but many there's a better way, please let me know:
• Stay with her, give her some space, help her when she asks for it, it might take a long time and she might either never be ready or she might decide I'm not her person. But there's a chance it could work out in the end.
• Leave, she would have no support, I could quite easily start dating again and get my own place
• Take a break, I could find somewhere to stay for a few months and formally take a break, with the intention of checking back in with her and keeping in touch lightly. It gives her time to work through her own stuff without the pressure of me and a relationship
I asked her by the way, and she said she didn't know. She did admit, in tears, that she's come to the conclusion she would be lonely and unhappy alone, she does want a partner but she doesn't know if it's me, or at least if it's not the way our relationship has been so far (which I agree with!).
Other notes: we get on extremely well, we are best friends and we really enjoy each other's company, but the space problems and both of our attitudes at various times, has helped make that more difficult.
When she let's her walls down at all she's an incredible romantic partner. The level of connection and love I feel for her and with her in those moments are magical, but the don't happen enough, and she intentionally avoids them.
It's extremely difficult to be caring for her when she's so cold recently. Like she's intentionally pushing me away, and I'm giving her as much space as I can. I'm not being romantic, no physical touch. But I like to try and be thoughtful, just like I do for my friends. Like make her a cup of tea. And she's just a bitch about it. I can completely understand why, but it's hurtful to me.
Before anything else, just want to say I admire the vulnerability in pasting the LLM chat log. Will provide a separate comment.
EDIT: Apparently tildes doesn't let you do that. Anyway, you've primarily been the driver of this relationship. That's not news to you, obviously. I'm assuming she's a very passive person in general? Not a huge amount of drive, doesn't make a lot of decisions, etc.? I think you've probably always been more into her than she is into you and, to some extent (how much is impossible to say), she's just been sort of going along with it.
For example --
You started asking, she didn't initially want to do it, you both talked about it a lot - the less charitable interpretation would be that you wore her down - and "eventually [she] seemed fine with the idea." It's clear that you recognize that she wasn't very enthusiastic here, yeah? It's never really possible to tell just via text, but I don't think anybody's done anything egregiously wrong here. I think you're just not right for each other.
That likely isn't recoverable. The silver lining, I suppose, is that neither of you are that into things and so it should be a fairly clean break.
Your analysis is very on point to be honest. She is extremely passive. I think she just feels comfortable being stationary and the idea of change is a scary thing for her. I 100 percent did push her over the years, but I always felt it was justified. Like I was pushing her a little outside her comfort zone with support. But I think, in hind sight, this pattern has happened so many times and for so long that I should have realized I was pushing her in a way she didn't want.
For what it's worth, I think it's fair to say that I wore her down, but I never forced her to do anything. I felt like at least most of the time there was a positive outcome from it. But I realize I could be projecting.
Definitely over the last 4 years all these small (or big) things add up and has been too much for her and I understand.
But it also isn't the kind of relationship I'm looking for. I've got reflection to do and plans to make I think!
Thank you so much for all your posts, I really appreciate the effort.
You bet.
People have been throwing around the idea of going to therapy a lot. I'm not usually big on that advice, because it often seems like that's just the thing you're "supposed" to say, and therapy works best when it's aimed at a specific question, not just going to go.
This would be a very good question. None of us can really tell via text to what degrees your support was positive and negative, but that is a question you could actually try to figure out with the help of a therapist.
Either way, good luck!
My take is that long term relationships are hard. They require constant work, because two people inevitably change and grow, and learning how to incorporate those changes into your dynamic is difficult and takes active effort. However, they generally shouldn't start out hard. The reason long term relationships work out is that you have a strong base to build on. When you first meet a partner, ideally, it's not difficult at all. Being apart from them is difficult, but you're compatible enough, and infatuated enough that when you're together, there's no problems at all. In most good relationships I've been in, this phase lasts 6-12 months minimum. After that, you start fully understanding each other on a more realistic basis, and you need to start actually working to accommodate one another, but beforehand, none of that really comes into play.
To me, it sounds like you never really had that strong base. You liked each other, but you were never really fully compatible. It seems like it would be extremely difficult to have anything work out long term without that foundation existing.
It sounds like you know that you need to move on for both of your sakes. Life's too short to be stressed out about your relationship all the time if you're not actually getting anything out of it. Go be single. Being single is awesome. Enjoy the feeling of being able to do whatever you want whenever you want with your free time without having to worry about someone else, and let her find the same joy.
I get what you're saying, and maybe I was focused a little too much on the problems we faced, but I want to make it clear that day to day (especially after she recovered from her broken leg) we did really work well as a team. I usually did come up with ideas but she would usually plan and execute sometimes with my help if she needed it. I guess I felt it worked because I was a good ideas guy and she was good at getting stuff done. But recently we are completely separate.
I also felt that we used to tackle the "big issues" really well together. We'd stop, have a very level conversation about our feelings (though for her this took longer) then we'd talk about next steps or how to make it better. Then she'd almost always follow through, and so would I. But I think this just added to her growing pressure and stress. For me I felt great because I felt like we fixed a problem.
One thing worth saying is that you cannot control how your partner thinks, feels, or acts. What you can control is how you react to those things she does. I think this is worth saying because there is another option you didn’t list - you could open the relationship to other people.
This may end up being a terrible piece of advice, and in practice it may be one of the most painful depending on how you two feel about eachother. One thing I notice with her chat app is that you seem to be concerned about her having sex with other people. But that sounds like something she may want to do but perhaps cannot come to terms with herself.
The only reason why I think you should consider this is because you are stuck in a relationship that seems to be wanting to end but both of you have reasons holding you back from it. That doesn’t seem to be healthy for either of you. It sounds like your partner would benefit from it the most. But I think you would still benefit from being able to see sides of her you currently can’t, and it’ll potentially let you see sides of yourself you didn’t know were there as well.
It’s important to know that this a hard road that will require constant communication and cause heartache for sure. There’s a good chance this will cause your breakup. But if I’m honest I think that would probably be the best of your three options. Staying the course seems like throwing fuel onto the fire, and I think you might be too worried about her cheating on you while you’re separated. On the other hand, an open relationship might cause you to fight and hate eachother sometimes, but you’ll be closer to understanding eachother.
I don't think this advice is appropriate.
Open relationships are relationships on hard mode, for most if not all people. Someone who has trouble figuring out what she wants is not fit for something that requires even more active decision-making and negotiation than a closed two-person setup.
It would be very unfair for the new people they'd be bringing into this. If they openly describe their situation, no healthy person will touch it and they end up worse off. If they lie about their situation to lure people in.. well, that's not ethical (and also not great for the mental health of the people doing the lying).
Thanks for the thoughts and support. I understand what you're suggesting but it wouldn't work for me. I'm aggressively monogamous and I find short term dating/one night stands very uncomfortable. I know it would really upset me and it would get me jealous if she slept with someone else, even if we agreed on it. And if I slept with someone else I'd just be comparing the two.
I would be more comfortable with either trying to make it work, which the more I think about it seems unlikely, or a clean break and it gives us both freedom.
Going from long distance to living together and starting the in person relationship in a caretaker role because of her injury seems to have shaped the trajectory of the relationship. Many people experience being frequently 'helped' as intrusive, unwelcome because they don't want to be dependent, don't want to need the help.
This is a dynamic that comes up a lot with elderly relatives who are losing capacity to manage their health and affairs but it also comes up a lot with people who are becoming disabled in some way or other.
You talk about providing help but do you also offer respect? Do you also offer space when she wants/needs it?
It may well be too late for this relationship but I would encourage you to think through your assumptions about what it means to be a good romantic partner and next time to listen a lot about what that individual prefers.
John Gottman wrote excellent books about success and failure in relationships.
Best wishes.
I'm very conscious of this. I hope you understand that I have been running on almost no feedback for the entire relationship. I was told very early to take the reigns and she would pump the brakes if she felt uncomfortable. Yet I checked in with her regularly. I tried to read between the lines as best as I could but she either has little feedback, which doesn't give me enough to help steer my actions or no feedback at all and then I'm completely lost.
What I went off a lot was her positive reactions.
Something else I don't think I made clear so far is that both her and I both strongly assumed that her inability to feel and understand her emotions was due to being on the spectrum. I excused a lot of bad behavior and a lot of inability to function well in the relationship down to her being very likely autistic (to some degree).
It's much more clear now that the line has shifted a great degree away from that being the cause of her behaviour. I always knew that was a factor, but I didn't know that it impacted her so much.
If I'd have known that she had so many bottled up issues that deeply impacted her life I would have never pushed for a relationship, but would have stayed friends. The thing is she's incredibly good at masking or faking being ok, because she's done it all her life. Honestly I think she does it to herself.
I raised the issues I did because they seemed possible based on the summary you posted here but I understand that what we see here is very limited compared to the entirety of the relationship.
I wish you the best for your future growth and wellbeing. It's clearly painful but you seem to be on the right track.
Completely understand and thanks so much for your reply. I understand it's really hard to have all the information. I never know how much or little detail to post to be honest, and then I sit and read over a post like this for a couple of days but still miss important details.
If I were you, I would break up and leave. Your time is valuable and finite. Think of all the days you could spend being happy! You'll be abandoning your own needs if you choose to stay in a steadily declining relationship with someone who makes you feel ignored and emotionally starved on most days.
Nobody's perfect, but it sounds like the biggest issue is that your partner doesn't really know who she is and what she wants from a relationship. I feel like she just started her journey to find herself, so a relationship break will not be useful here. It would be a mistake if you decided to wait instead of making a decision based on the person she is today.
She told you that she can't think of any positives to your relationship and that she doesn't know if she wants to be with you. And yet she doesn't have the balls to break up with you, so she now spends most of her time talking to strangers online. You deserve to be treated better than this!! 🗣️
Listen to her when she says that the relationship has always felt suffocating to her. The dynamic that you previously enjoyed was too much for her to maintain. Maybe she was pushing herself to act a certain way, but it wasn't who she really is.
Thank you for your post, I appreciate it. It does seem this way and I'm going to speak to her when I'm back from my business trip.
Good luck! It may be a tough conversation, but you can navigate it.
Not what you asked for, but maybe something to consider...
I had to brake up my latest relationship because I could see that it wouldn't work in the long run. One, big but not singular, reason being that when it comes to intensity and speed around feelings and the relationship it sounds like I was like your girlfriend and my ex was like you.
What I would have liked was for her to be polyamourus/-sexual.
I know that I will have to pick any future coupling based a lot on that speed or their capacity for polyamoury/-sexually because I will feel smothered by anyone in the "normal" speed/intensity category.
Honestly it might be the case for her. I suspect she doesn't know as much as you or I do. I think she needs to decide if she wants to find out or not. I feel terrible for her to be honest, it must be seem like an impossible feat to her to get anywhere.
No, you misunderstand me, what I mean is that from your description you seem to enjoy, need and benefit from a lot of human in person interaction (both active and passive), while your girlfriend doesn't.
This creates a situation where you expect/want/wish for her to fulfill a need that you have that she simply can't fulfill.
If you would let her be on her pace while you are out fulfilling your needs/wants at your pace with other people there might be a way for you to stay together.
Ah yeah you're right, I read the inverse.
Honestly, she's "joked" about that kind of thing before and I've told her it's not funny. She's come home from a long shift at work or something and been like "go hang out with your other girlfriend". And it hurt my feelings a little.
So yeah, sounds similar.
Maybe it's not a joke to her?
My ex got really sad when I talked to her about it.
I understood it as she felt I didn't value her and her love, care and affection.
I see how that could happen, but from my point of view it was the opposite: since I did value her and her love, care and affection I wanted to find a way for us to stay together but unfortunately she had enormous buckets to give very rapidly while I could just receive small buckets slowly.
My idea was to compensate for that mismatch with her finding someone else to pour a lot of it over while still keeping some of it for me.
Obviously that kind of relationship only works if you both fully agree to it and can communicate well around the dynamics and everything else.
Haha yeah I put the quotes because I suspect it wasn't a joke for her!
Yeah I understand. Thank you for describing how you felt. I'd not be surprised if she did feel similar to that, I'm not sure that being strictly monogamous is a big deal for her.
I’m very curious why you haven’t also sought therapy like she did. Whether the two of you decide to continue or not, presumably you want to move into the future as a better partner having learned from this experience. I’m not seeing any reflection from you on what you might have done differently or on how any of your actions might not have been the best choice, though I see plenty about how her actions or words are affecting you. She has chosen to work on herself, have you?
I also want to point out that not everyone has a robust emotional vocabulary and we don’t all process emotions the same way or at the same speed.
This looks kind of shaming to me and I don’t know how to fix that. I really don’t mean it that way, I’m trying to encourage you to look at this as an opportunity to become a better partner. I don’t think anyone will ever reach the pinnacle of being the best partner or friend ever.
I'm not against therapy, I think it would be quite useful actually. After all the chat in this thread it seems wise for me to go give it a go.
The reason why I didn't seek it immediately is I have a lot of friends and family I speak to as sounding boards. I know none of them are objective, but I've always found it useful to talk through the same issues with a lot of people.
I do a lot of introspective thought, about myself and my relationships. I make time to think about what I could do better then I try to speak to my partner about it.
My current partner always found it difficult to talk about this kind of topic, she just wanted to "be" and I knew I annoyed her with it to be honest. It might just be that was another of the many signs that I should have read as we aren't a great match.
But yeah like, I'm open to it, I want to be a better person. Clearly I made mistakes and I don't want to make them again. I guess right now I have a lot of emotions running high and maybe I'm being too critical of my partner rather than myself.
I am blessed to have long-term, close friends with whom I can (and do!) discuss anything I want or need to. This helps tremendously. My therapist is still (IMO) a necessary part of my life, because she is not part of my daily social circle, yet is still (professionally) interested in my life. I have learned over the years that this kind of feedback is incredibly useful for adjusting one's rudder in life, and it really can't be performed by anyone you socialize with.
Worth noting that it took me a long time to find the right therapist, too. But when you finally find someone who clicks, they're worth their weight in gold in terms of insight.
I do have the number for a therapist who helped with my ADHD assessment, but I am not sure she would be a good match for a long term relationship to be honest.
I'm willing to try though and if she doesn't work out look for someone else.
I'm glad to hear you're looking into it. I eventually found the therapist that works for me via a referral from a therapist who didn't click. A good therapist completely understands that this is how things are, and will often know other people that they think might be better fits for you. So even if your ADHD person isn't the right fit for talk therapy, ask her if she knows anyone that she thinks might be a better match, you might get lucky!