Did you feel ready to have kids?

Fully confident and ready? Definitely not. But my thought was more like: there won't be a better point in time :) I bought a few books that take you by the hand and explain many basic things (for example "We're parents!") that make you feel at least a bit more prepared. But as soon as you hold the little potato in your arms after it's been born, you're wondering how you ever gonna raise it since you have no clue about what to do: how do you even HOLD a baby? Like really, in detail, head position and everything!? Very basic things suddenly become the most confusing thing ever :D But as the baby grows, you grow as a parent. You get to know your baby better, the baby becomes better in telling you what it wants and you learn new things every day.

I feel like that many people who say they're 100% confident pre-birth are either a tiny, tiny percentage of exceptions (for example having a sibling 16 years younger and heavily involved in raising them, but even then it's something entirely different) or are not humble enough/overconfident. In my opinion, there is only so much you can do to be 'fully prepared' and then just be willing to learn and adapt.

I'm not sure how many people really have an epiphany one day and go like "well NOW is the perfect time to have kids!" (and it can take longer than you expect to get pregnant or it might turn out you need some medical help to get pregnant and suddenly it's 2 years later).

I've always thought of that question is more accurately put:

"Are you ready to be unselfish?"

And that's a very hard thing to do.

Because the truth of the matter is that having kids completely shifts your lifestyle from 'me' focused to kid focused and there is no way to be a good parent without making very big sacrifices. You sacrifice sleep, sacrifice money, sacrifice a great deal of time, sacrifice privacy, sacrifice priorities, sacrifice intimacy with your partner, even sacrifice some peace of mind as you never stop being concerned for the well-being of your child, even when they are grown and gone - NOTHING is ever the same again, and there is no other decision that will change your lifestyle so irreversibly.

To be honest, most of the reasons I see for people not to have kids revolve around selfishness and I get that - it's NOT an easy decision to make.

Me and my partner definitely planned it. We took a look at finances, where we were in our life, our careers, ages, and where our parents were and because they were starting or had already retired we figured there would be no better time.

We had our little one in April last year, she's been a blast and I think before we made the decision to start trying we were a little naive, they're more expensive than we thought, super time consuming and outside of short visits the grandparents never offer to take her for a few hours or always seem to have something on when we ask.

The loss of my personal time has hit me harder than I thought, it's been difficult to not play games as much as I used to, longer time between D&D sessions, my pile of miniatures continues to sit there unpainted, I don't get to take the dog out for as long as I used to and about the only thing I do manage to work through is my huge "to read" pile because at least a book can be picked up and put down easily enough, but she is definitely worth it.

I feel like this is a personal decision on both sides. If you both want kids, awesome. I don’t, and I don’t feel it’s responsible to even consider having a kid with anyone, so I got a vasectomy. I can’t imagine being a kid of a parent who wasn’t sure they wanted me.

The US wasn't "ready" to enter WW2 in 1941. And yet, they won. You cannot possibly be "ready" for something so unpredictable, complex, and soul-crushing.

My son was born 15 days ago, August 24.

Was I ready? No, absolutely not. But that's the wrong question to ask. You don't have a kid because you're ready, you have a kid because you feel strongly that this is something you need to do. Of course, you can make plans and preparations. In fact, you should. But there are more factors to consider than bank account and job security. It's like Mike Tyson once said, “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”

Do you have the passion and willingness to get yourself in the ring? Do you love the sport? Do you want the rewards, whatever they are? And if you fail, can you handle defeat? Can you get up after being knocked down?

Do you really, truly, and strongly want this, with every fiber of your body?

That's the question you should be asking yourself. If being "ready" was a condition to be a good parent, we'd be doomed as a species.

No one's ready to raise a child. But, somehow, any idiot seems capable of doing it if they apply themselves sincerely. Every single day, all around the world, people do it. Maybe the real question is, do you really wanna be one of those people?

And that is the real question to make, because, once you start, there is no going back.

I'm happy with my choices. But it's been 15 days. What do I know?

I mean, you're never ready to have kids. My wife and I talked about it, decided we wanted a child, discussed finance/living space/potential school districts, planned when we would start trying (over a year in advance), and I was still terrified when my wife told me she was pregnant. My son is 8 months old now and I've got no regrets.

If you think you don't want kids that's one thing, but don't wait for a time when it's not scary. It's like skydiving; doesn't matter how much preparation you have, jumping out of a plane is always scary.

For me, I always kinda knew I wanted to have kids, but it was always kind of a distant future thing.

As I approached that stage of life, I certainly didn’t feel ready and dragged my feet a bit. In truth, I didn’t feel quite ready to let go of my life being about me instead of someone else. I don’t think you can ever be ready for that, and I’m still adjusting two kids and years later. But now that I have kids, I’m glad I didn’t wait longer simply because it means I get to hopefully spend more of my life with my kids.

Kids are definitely a lot and I'm sure the results vary. But for me, it's been a pretty good thing.

I suffer from decision paralysis a lot, by virtue of analysing the options and getting bogged down in detail. For example, it took me two hours to decide what brand of sensitive toothpaste I was going to buy - and eventually I made a decision after reading some research articles and comparing electron microscopy images of tooth remineralisation!

I give that example because what I came to realise was that there is no objectively correct answer to the kids / no kids decision. I spent hours, days, poring over internet forums looking for the perspective from both sides. I read analyses of overall happiness after having kids, of regrets people have at the end of their lives. I compared the opportunity costs involved with both.

The question just does not yield to that type of analysis. At its core, it's quite a simple question - do I want to be a parent? - but there are so many complications and considerations that an analytical approach doesn't work. (I will say that all of this is assuming that one is financially stable and can provide the basic needs of future children without unreasonable stress.)

How I managed to come to a decision was to take a different perspective, and it took me a long time to get there. I considered the question in terms of regret - if I were to look back in say 20 years, which decision was I more likely to regret?

My own answer was that I have one life, and I want to experience the gamut of the human condition. I may regret having kids, but I know that I will love them.

The points in favour I felt were more emotional and selfless, those against more selfish and materialistic.

I don't judge anyone who took the other path - in fact, many days I deeply envy them! - but I now have two boys who I love very much, and found the transition from individual to parent has given me a huge deal of perspective on life, myself and my relationship with my parents. A booster shot of empathy, if you will.

I felt ready to have kids, which in hindsight, was more accurately ready to have a kid. Paralysis sounds like you may not be ready. Do you feel like you have to have kids? I am curious about the nature of your paralysis, because if you don't feel sure about it, then going into parenting can be a whole can of worms that cannot be closed again.

My partner and I don't want children. The various costs (finances and time mostly) are too high and we enjoy our life the way it is now.

If we ever have the desire to change that, we'll either foster or adopt, because I made the decision to get a vasectomy with her full support.

Having a bio-kid is incredibly selfish from our perspective when there are so many children who don't have a home as it is.

Plus, I'll echo another comment, there are too many people on this planet as it is. Until we can figure out how to sustain our species without destroying the world we live in, having more bio-children just furthers the problem.

We're in an overall good position to have kids - financially well-off, stable careers, a nice home, etc. But we made a decision before we got married not to have kids. We have several nieces and nephews, some of who have unfortunately lost their father (my brother) a few years ago. We decided to play an active Aunt/Uncle role in their lives, and have found no good reason to have kids of our own.

Not only did I never feel ready, but I never felt an active desire to have children. I never particularly enjoyed the company of children -- even when I was a child myself -- and never found babies all that appealing. I assumed that all that would change someday, but it never did, so I got my tubes tied (there were other reasons as well, of course). That was over 20 years ago, and I'm more and more glad every year.

I know everyone's "decision matrix" is different, but, to me, after doing a bunch of reading and years of thinking about it, it didn't feel like enough to think, "Okay, I think I'd like to have kids" (and I never even reached that point anyway). I started to ask myself whether I specifically wanted to be a parent, wanted to have a baby and then young child around 24 hours a day, could deal with a a child growing into a person who didn't share my and my spouse's values -- lots of stuff like that.

A really common argument I heard then and see around a lot (but, fortunately, not directed at me anymore) is that you'll regret it if you don't have kids. That could have been true, but that never seemed like a compelling reason because it can go both ways. What if I had kids and regretted it? Wouldn't that be worse? Dealing with my own regret would be one thing; dealing with the effects my regret would have on a child -- the cause of the regret -- seemed so much worse.

Anyway, I don't actually mean to try to sway you one way or the other. I just wanted to explain what went into my (our) decision.

We had always planned on having kids at the "perfect" time--good jobs, had our own house, tons of money in the bank, etc.

Realistically, there is never a "perfect" time. We were both getting older and doing "ok" financially but still dealing with unexpected bills from time to time (medical, major car repairs, etc).

Finally one day as we were nearing 30 we had a discussion and she stopped birth control. We decided to let nature take it's course and didn't want to feel pressured into finding the "optimal" time to conceive or anything. Our daughter was conceived within a month. As an only child I always just kind of figured I'd have 1 kid but wasn't against another and we had a boy a few years later under similar circumstances.

To me the 2-2.5 year gap between them was perfect. They grew up together so they shared similar tastes, they always had a playmate and he was on her level academicallly (so 2 years ahead of his peers). Now that they are 18 and 16 they're still super close and have never had any kind of sibling rivalry or fights.

The only thing I would change is to have taken a more active roll in her postpartum depression and talking to her about it. I knew she was dealing with it the first time and she felt guilty talking to me about it so I arranged visits from our neighbors and both of our moms when I was at work. I took up more of the load of working while also changing nearly all the diapers (I would do the middle of the night changes 5-6 nights a week the vast majority of the time) and most of the housework when I was home. We got her counseling and medications. I figured it was better for her to talk to someone, even if it wasn't me. She had an even harder time with our second because she felt like we couldn't afford her medication and (without me knowing) was only taking half of her prescription trying to get it to lost twice as long. Between daycare and gas it was cheaper for her to be a SAHM. I did my best to make sure she had people stop in during the day and arranged "girl nights" for her with her friends and we budgeted money for those nights. However, we didn't talk too much about it (since she was again embarassed by the PPD). In the end, she ended up just up and leaving one day when the kids were 6 and 4. Both times she enjoyed all of the attention of being pregnant but got jealous of the attention the kids got after they were born.

In the end, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. While the kids and I struggled a little in the beginning, we were fortunate that our struggles weren't insurmountable and I had my parents and a large network of people to lean on if needed.

In short, there is never a "perfect" time and be mindful of the mental health aspect of postpartum.

It took my wife and I a few years to conceive and I still didn't feel ready when it finally happened. And then right as I was coming to peace with not feeling ready, we found out it was twins. 4 years later I still don't feel ready :D

I don't think there's such a thing as feeling truly ready. Because having kids is such weird and insane experience that you can't fully prepare for. It's all fine and dandy until it's 11pm, you didn't realize you were out of diapers or wipes, and your baby just crapped up their onesie (yes, UP).

Basically, imo, if it's something you want, you have the financial means to make it work, and you're okay with a complete disruption of your lifestyle, then you're about as ready as you'll ever be. Once you know a baby is on the way, then the real prep work begins -- Nursery, bottles, clothes, strollers, car seats, etc.

I felt ready.

My wife did not.

My wife is much smarter than me.

I read all the books, yet she somehow also knows more than me.

I was not ready for the tsuname of disruption that even one kid can cause. But no one is. But once you have kids, you likely will love every minute of it? Think Dr Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.

If you are worried about screwing up, then don't worry so much. Everyone screws up. If you are that worried about screwing up, I think you are better than 80% of most parents.

If you are worried about the cost in terms of money, time, relationship stress and environmental impact.... then those things are all very real.

Good luck!

We just dropped our daughter off at college. We miss her so much.

Back when she was in elementary school, we were visiting with one of her friend's families. They have three kids. I was telling the dad how an old friend had just asked me to write an article for his dad blog on what led me to want a kid. So after it was written I told this dad how I talked about getting to my 30s and realizing that with all our professional caregiving of kids and dogs and cats and babies my wife and I, who were always the wild chaotic ones in our friend group, actually turned out to be the best to raise children. We just had all the skills already. And we felt that a profound way we could make the world better was by adding a strong, well-adjusted kid to what is mostly a walking emergency room of despair. So many kids are raised wrong, by the wrong people. We can't just give the future up to them...

Then the dad I was telling this shook himself like a bear, blinked, and said, "Whoa. You planned on having a kid? We were shocked. All three of these. Had no idea. Thought we were taking good precautions every time, but..." eloquent shrug

I wasn't ready and I don't even feel ready now after 12 years. Looking back I wonder how I managed all that so well. Though I think using all external help (books, speaking to parents your age) is very helpful. Somehow however it is a natural thing to get used to it while being in the situation.

Financially, sure. Personally, nope! And I didn't feel like I was ready right after it happened, either. When my wife was in the hospital and I was alone with the kid with no issues, that's ironically when I felt like everything was going to be OK. Now I feel way more confident with kids, even my older relatives.

If you're on the fence because you're not sure if you'll be good at it, you'll figure it out - most people are wired to figure it out, books make up for any knowledge gaps, and friends and family often make up the rest if you have a good support structure. If you're on the fence because you're not sure you want to or don't think you're in a great financial place, trust your gut.

I started out as a kid thinking I would have children because “that’s what you did.” It was always just in the future at some point but now I’m in my early thirties and I started asking myself “why do I think I should have children?” For me, I’ve never came up with or heard a compelling reason to have children other than “I just want them.”

Love kids, have a niece and a nephew. Just don’t see why I would have biological children, personally. Adoption, maybe.

So, why do you and your partner want to have children? I mean this out of genuine curiosity, and zero judgement. Maybe that will help you make a decision?

Absolutely not. And I was right.
Both of my kids were unplanned, but of course you know that unprotected sex always bring the chance of something happening.

I'd say that even people who say they felt ready are totally wrong. The drastic change to your life 24/7 for years to come is just too much to fathom.

I'm no expert, but my youngest recently became an adult. Looking back, I think the big question is, do you want kids or not? If you both know the answer is "yes", then the question of when or readiness is less huge. Kids are never convenient, and you are never really ready. I think there are a few helpful guidelines: you should both be adults; you should be self supporting and financially stable (I don't mean zero financial pressure, I mean you are consistently feeding and housing yourselves); no extreme, unmanaged mental illness; stable, committed relationship. To lighten it up a bit, just remember, to raise a child, you just have to know more than the child and you're probably miles ahead of a newborn! Wishing you the very best. It is a grand adventure!

I never wanted kids. Had one scare (after married, and honestly it played into premarital relationships, and maybe I am lesbian but...). As a female, I was raised being told I was supposed to be a loving wife and mother, and maybe have a career. As a later Gen-Xer, I took almost til I hit 40 to get a degree and a career. And I got married "late" at 27 (my mom gloriously introduced me for a few years after the fact as the "daughter we thought would never get married"... so yeah, don't bitch I don't feel like popping out kids k Mom?)
I mean, maybe it'd be cool to have a few offspring especially feeling that my SO is my kid... but, he'd make a sheit father and there are others out there carrying the cross for the rest of us.

I honestly have no intentions of having kids. I am 33 and my spouse is in her 30s also. far as I know, I would not do well with raising children. I am incredibly selfish and fickle. Not to mention I am bordering the poverty line. It almost feels irresponsible to have children, knowing there is a chance I can’t afford them anyway. I don’t make any of these decisions lightly. But there are tons of children in foster care seeking a home. I think it’s better to adopt than to pump out children of ‘my own’.