Questions first, the long backstory in the details section that follows if you care to read it. Thank you in advance for your consideration.

I've framed this in terms of parents for convenience, but of course I am interested in anyone's experience with the aging.

What did you learn later that you wish you knew about having aging parents when they started needing more care?

What resources were the most help to you navigating the transitions?

That resources do you think were the most help to your parents in navigating the transitions?

If you weren't local, what kind of things did you do to help stay connected? What worked, and what didn't ?

I'm really struggling with depression, disappointment, and worry about my parents. What advice do you have for me?

My partner and I have long been on the fence about whether or not to have a child. Now we're approaching middle age, it feels like it's a 'now or never' decision point, and ... well, I'm still torn.

On the one hand, I see the state the world is in. I'm keenly aware of the latest climate projections and what they mean (I also know enough to know how much we can still improve things if we decide to). I'm afraid of escalating instability and societal strife. What if I can't get my medications? I don't know how I'd go on even without a child in the picture. I still struggle to accept the world as it is, which is quite a bit bleaker than it was portrayed to me growing up. I spent years of my life wishing I was not born. How could I bring a child into that circumstance?

On the other hand, I'm really, really good with kids (and teenagers!) and find relationships with them really rewarding. I love spending time with my nieces, nephews, and friends' kids, and it leaves me wishing I could also shape a human with the values and priorities that are most important to me - stewardship, patience, music. I don't want the religious wingnuts to be the only ones shaping the next generation! My partner and I have a lot of privileges and would be able to offer a lot to a child, from quality education, to a fantastic extended family, to multiple powerful citizenships / passports. Hell, our parents would even move in to help us out with childcare for at least the first few years. You can't ask for much more than that.

Obviously this is a big question, and it's one my partner and I are talking about extensively. I'm also going to return to counseling soon to piece through things.

I'm certain that others on Tildes have also navigated this question. Do any of my thoughts resonate with you? What did you decide and why? Are you happy with your choice?

And has anyone adopted? Adoption is the dark horse here. Once upon a time that was my preferred route, but now that I've spent a lot more time reading about the risks and realities I've cooled on it a bit. I am certain I can deal with many challenges of raising a child, but not stuff like oppositional defiance or connection disorders, which occur at ~2x the rate in adopted children, many of whom have trauma. They deserve love too, but unfortunately I have limits due to my own mental health troubles. And all of that is to say nothing of the often sketchy or uncomfortable legal and societal circumstances of adoption.

I deeply appreciate any and all thoughts and experiences you take the time to share.

One of my cousins (age 23), at the end of weeks-long stay at an inpatient psychiatric facility, came out as trans to his parents. They are very supportive, if a bit surprised.

I want to help them and my cousin out and link them to some online forums/discussion spaces. He’s (AMAB, hasn’t mentioned what the new pronouns are) very online, so I’d be most interested in stuff for him. I know some of the sites don’t have the best reputation, or are very polarizing, so I’d like sites that are positive and supportive.

My wife and I had a baby a few months ago and we learned that you can put a carseat in the front of a front load cargo bike starting at 3 months. I was already keen for a cargo bike, as was my wife, so we're taking the dive. There are a few common brands available in the USA, namely Urban Arrow, Omnium, and Harry vs Larry's Bullit Bike, and while those are still in contention we're currently in Munich and considering buying one and getting it home. Lots context on what we're thinking and doing and then to questions.

I was able to test drive the Muli Classic and the Carrie from Riese and Muller as representatives of shorter bikes, and we're considering the Load from Riese and Muller, the Loven's s75, the Urban Arrow Family, and the Bakfietz.nl Cruiser. We also rented the Lovens for the month we're here and pick it up today.

Ok, so we have a few questions on our plate. Do we go compact cargobike - like a Muli - or do we go for the full family van - like a Lovens or Urban Arrow? Within those categories are there any considerations we need to be mindful of like repairability? Our concern is that the Bafang engine is loved by all but seemingly hard to get parts for stateside. Whereas Bosch or Shimano would be easier. Could we rock a non-electric version like the Muli Muscle, or is that impractical?

I've been able to talk to a few owners and everyone loves the bike they have. The Muli guys love the Muli. The Lovens moms love the Lovens. It's great signal that cargobikes generally work well for the people interested in them, but not much as to which way we should go.

Last is context on what we hope to do and what we want to use it for. I'd love to go down to a 1 car family. We live within 6 blocks of all our core needs - grocery store, hardware store, pharmacy, repair places - and within .5 miles of our main recreation areas - the forest and the beach - so largely we're set walking. But there are so many great things that are just outside that area, within about 10 miles, that a cargobike would be great to have - parks, larger stores, everything really. And our Costco is about 500 feet off the main municipal bike trail so I would Looooooove to do my Costco runs on the bike. We also have one kiddo and there will likely be a second. I'm going to be getting a shotgun seat for my normal townie and mountain bikes for when the kids are old enough, but I'd also really love to be able to ferry them to school, have their friends join us, and make it the primary transport until for the family. Our friends in town have a street legal golf cart and I'd love to do something similar with the cargo bike. There is some possibility that we end up with 2, like a Muli and a Lovens, but with storage space that is currently very impractical. Also we live up a hill - about 150ft elevation gain over 5 blocks - from the main trail that connects us to the surrounding towns. We live a weird place where our pennisula is bisected by a military base and golf course so that is literally the only way to access any of the other surrounding towns. Also I'm currently a deep memeber of the Surly gang and am finding myself drawn to bikes like that - probably why the Muli keeps coming up on here - but realize that may be a foolish way to choose a family cargo bike. Also the price range is fairly steep $5-10k, so I'm trying to be level headed about it.

I'd love to hear about your experiences with cargobikes: what you rode, what you loved, what you'd skip. If you have friends or family who have indulged. Or just any thoughts really! I realize it's a small group that owns them so any info helps!

Not the worst. Not outright criminal, maybe small time stuff. But I mean in terms of moral ethics, is a bad person who's hurt people in the past. And hurts people right now. There might be extenuating circumstances why they grew up like this, but nevertheless the person is a bad person who hurts people. They are a decent parent who I believe do really love me and my sibling, but not selflessly and they don't trust us siblings and is suspicious of us because they project that we must also be terrible people after their money.

I am certain that they grossly misrepresented their age when they met my other parent. I am certain that they had been unfaithful. There are many lies and I do not feel like us siblings or anyone have ever successfully been able to engage with them honestly. They have many facades. My other parent was an honest and good person who deserved much better than how they were treated.

Advice not unwanted, but I'm not really sure what I expect, just airing out a sentiment I do not feel okay to express to any of my friends, and I am trying not to wear out my partner from having to hear it over and over as well. Yes I have an appointment to talk to a therapist

In a few days my dad will have been gone for 2 months. I'm his only biological child and he has 2 stepsons. I've been feeling like I'm grieving 'the wrong way' but that in itself is not a source of stress or anything. I've been spending so much time doing other things that I've been distracted from having enough quiet moments to reflect on his passing and remember all that I can about him. I'm also not the type of person that can cry easily (not a sociopath lol). We weren't super close but I believe we had an understanding; this is a common father-son dynamic I think. Although, I do feel terrible that he won't be around to see me hit all the milestones of adulthood that I know he would be proud of. But I do know that he was proud of me for some things because he made sure to tell me. I also feel like I don't know how to fully be there for my mother who just lost her partner of 30+ years; I can't imagine the scale of her grief. Any words of wisdom are appreciated.

It might be worth mentioning that he was an alcoholic, as am I (sober 1 year next month). This of course was a factor in his death but not the only thing. I'm very grounded in the reality of what happened and why it happened which I think makes others surprised by my 'tough exterior' or whatever. I feel like I can go on forever but I'll leave this post short.

Others are welcome to share cool stories about their dads :^)

Hi all,
We are headed to Stow, MA for a week from the midwest, and have two kids in tow. 5 and 1 year olds. We will have a rental car available to us, and are looking for things to do while we aren't visiting with family. Right now on the radar is the Maynard Discovery Museum, the Worcester EcoTarium, and the Franklin Children's Museum.

Mostly interested in burning some energy, but I'm highly motivated to avoid children's museums that are basically cavernous-but-otherwise-empty dumping grounds for school field trips. I find that in my area it is the smaller museums that are generally more interesting.

Thanks in advance!

Hello Tildes,

My partner and I are at the point where we need to get more care for my dad and I could use some advice from people who have been down this road. He's in his early nineties and still living in his home, and the family has been lucky in many respects. Dad still has good cognitive function, he has excellent health care through his military retirement (USA: Tricare for Life). My brother is living in the family home, so there's someone in the house overnight in case there's a fall or other serious issue.

Last year we got Dad set up with a medical alert service, so he's only one button press away from talking to a helper if he's in crisis. My partner and I are down visiting him about once a week to help with chores and hang out. Same with my other brother. We've been holding things together.

But Dad's having difficulty with normal life stuff (walking, bathing, eating) and he's transitioning into a bedbound state, losing weight and eating very little. He seems fairly comfortable, just extremely tired and increasingly frail.

To be clear, I'm not asking for medical advice. Where I'm stuck is: How do we initiate and navigate the process of getting him a home health aide? His medical team was entirely unhelpful when we asked about case management. They say "if he's struggling, bring him to the ER" but he absolutely does not want to go to the ER, and we're loathe to force him at his age unless he's in crisis. Also, the ER is full of people with the flu right now.

We've reached the "we can't put this off any longer" moment, I think. Any advice on getting the ball rolling would be appreciated. Do we just randomly call up home health agencies? How do we figure out what his insurance will and won't cover?

Thanks so much.

GP

Without going into details, my partner's parent is sick with an unknown prognosis (1-5 years; 1 year has passed). I admire how they've come to support their parent and have tried to both be supportive and keep myself busy so my partner could focus. Still, it's created a lot of distance for me. Where I see the future as exciting and exploratory for us, for my partner, they imagine their family in shambles and their favorite person gone. With the uncertain prognosis and the aftermath, it's hard to imagine that really changing for the foreseeable future.

I am looking for insight from people who have been in similar situations. Perhaps it's the sort of ridiculousness of how selfish this is or sounds, but I don't know if I've ever heard much about how this affects romantic relationships.

Hi Tilderinos!

First, apologies for the ramble. I'm based in the US. I got a letter from our state's child services department telling me that one of my relatives who is a minor has been removed from the custody of their parents. The letter asked me to complete a form to indicate the level of involvement I'm interested in having with said child's placement and/or support.

We don't know what the child's situation is. I'm the furthest-degree relative they search for - hopefully someone closer will step forward, but unfortunately, based on what I know of our part of the family, other relatives may not be in the best situation to take on a child. I'm hoping that this would be a temporary situation and that the ultimate goal is for the child to be reunited with their parent(s), but we have no information at all right now other than "child was removed and we're looking for support from relatives."

I'm going to call the contact info on the letter tomorrow, as we received it after business hours today. We've discussed our comfort levels with caring for a child and what type of situation we could say yes to and what we would have to say no to. We are very fortunate to be in a stable situation (in control of our own housing, dual incomes, qualified for leave programs, etc.). Our point of view currently is that this child is a child in need of support, and we are willing to provide what we can as long as it's not overtly detrimental to us or to them. I already filled out the form the best I could in a manner that corresponds with our comfort level, which is approximately that placement with us would be a possibility but not right this instant, and otherwise we're happy to correspond or communicate in whatever way benefits the child. (We suspect that the child is currently 1-3 hours from us, so frequent physical assistance on our part would be less doable unless the child were placed with us.)

Is this something you've been through before? What experiences have you had with child placement? (I'm actually not even really sure what questions to ask beyond this, but if you have been down this road and are comfortable sharing, please do!) We've discussed adopting or fostering before, but only in hypotheticals, as it's something we weren't planning to look into for 5-10 years (we're in our early 30's and are not having bio kids). Something externally-initiated like this was never on our radar. Any guidance, tips for questions to ask, or experiences you would like to share would be welcome!