The unlikelihood of being complimented as a man
I read through hundreds of comments on reddit (I know, Ive digressed) on the question 'What would women dislike most if they became men?' The one that hit me square in the face were the thousands of men who agreed that they hadn't been complimented for anything in years.
One commenter said the last time he was complimented was ten years ago and he can still remember the time and the place because it was so unusual. One gut punch even said, "Many men are laying in their casket before many good things are ever said about them" and at first I thought, well that's gotta be hyperbole. But then I thought more about it and realized that while I have had a couple of compliments from my wife over the last year, I dont recall a single other person saying anything complimentary in probably over a year... And I never really thought about it, but its just not something we expect to hear.
It's not like I was waiting for compliments, but I think the statement true - men just rarely get compliments. And I'm not sure why.
I definitely don't compliment my friends very often. Occasionally do compliment my adult son but I'm sure, like most guys, that's pretty infrequent coming from any other male in his life.
It's just a bit odd when I think about how often my wife gets compliments. Or my daughters. Not sure why we men get so little affirmation that way. It really struck me as odd.
On another note...
Becoming a father made the compliment imbalance very clear to me. The mother is some kind of mythical warrior of perfection and poetic beauty. The father, well... "what are you doing here anyway? Step aside while I remind your wife of just how brave she is".
And this is not due to childbirth, because more than a year has passed and nothing changed.
Also, this should totally be in ~life.men. @cfabbro (yes I always tag @cfabbro because I can't remember how to spell @mycketforvirrad :P).
EDIT: I feel some may think I am being critical of women. I'm not. Watching my male friends, some which I've known since childhood, only ever show praise and attention and care for my wife hurts more than anything women could do...
That's terrible to hear, lou, and I hope that you receive a life affirming compliment soon, for your role as a new father. And also congratulations -- the first year is super super hard and your kiddo has had both of you this whole time! You made it through as a new family and there's so many good days ahead!
In my kid's club activity, there's a dad who's always there to drop off/pick up, and I think he's awesome for being there, showing interest in the activities, learning the leaders' names, the other kids' names, and just genuinely happy for his kid.
Maybe your male friends are not father's themselves and feel shy about complimenting you? Maybe they don't know what to say because they've never heard it themselves.....
Men are great at banter and sarcasm. I certainly enjoy this. However, it would be nice if we learned to switch to other modes as well.
When I messaged my then best friend about how tired I was at the hospital, his answer was "come on, what did you do? Hold her hand?". At that juncture, it was not sarcasm. I did plenty. Fuck him.
Having recently become a father myself, I understand you completely here. We may not have done the most work in the birthing room, but it's not like being a dedicated support person is a leisurely stroll through the park either. Doing it well (and from reading your comments on here since I joined, I can only assume you dedicated yourself to doing it excellently) is real work, and I applaud you for all of your efforts, lou!
What a kind thing to say and what an important, valuable thing to recognise in others! Congratulations to you as well and I'm sure you also were a wonderful support person and a pillar holding up the positive experience for all three of you.
That's really hurtful, and dude even if all you did really was to hold her hand, that's a lot of hours to be up and holding hands. A support person during a birth is very valuable. You're her advocate, you're her pain and comfort manager, you're her media correspondece, you're the person who can make sure her birth plan goes well or maintain her privacy when she can't get up or if she has unwanted guests etc.
I'll never forget the kindness of my partner putting my favourite album on, on loop : yes it's pushing a button but no, it's also making sure 12+ hours in, whenever my attention allows it, what I'm hearing during a trying time is something that has deep meanings and a wellspring of encouragement for me.
He also knew to order sushi from my favorite restaurant for my first raw fish meal in many months :D
Yeah, forget him! Banter and sarcasm is maybe fine, but it needs to be followed with at least "no but seriously dude, great job and congrats."
Thanks. Sounds like you and your partner where very much in sync. That's great ;)
Conversely I as a dad get lots of compliments for doing normal parenting stuff while my wife gets no credit as it’s expected of her. Varies on local culture I guess. Come to my neck of the woods and you too can be complimented for such basic activities as: “he changed a nappy!” “Wow he got them to sleep”. For the record I’m from the UK.
Compliments are a tricky subject, it’s so easy to cause problems: accidentally hit on someone, too much complimenting for a boss, too much on other people/asymmetrical complimenting, never complimenting, patronising compliments… it’s a mine field!
I don’t know how best to do it, I just do what feels natural and probably not consistently across the board. Small compliments fairly commonly for anyone (male or female) that I notice a change (glasses, different shirt, new haircut etc), or particularly big or good things (really good work/catch, effort into a nice meal).
Yes, I get similar reactions sometimes. That doesn't really bother me anymore because these are usually strangers or people I don't care about. Although sometimes it does. When we spent a few days with a friend of my wife, I received praise because when my wife asked for help I would do so immediately. And I was thinking whatta fuck did you expect me to do? lol. It would be nice if people realized that sometimes there's not a reason to be passing judgment at all. Just relax a bit. This affects my wife as well, although in different ways. Parents in general are an easy target.
If it makes you feel better, compliments on parenting become very skewed the other direction as the kids get older. On the other hand, this is because people view you as a babysitter to your own kids rather than a full-fledged caretaker, so even those compliments are pretty patronizing.
I try to keep the balance fair by never complimenting parents on being good parents. I've got no fucking clue if you're a good parent; for all I know, your kid is a fashion accessory that you beat the moment it does something wrong.
But I will compliment you on parenting decisions that show a lot of thought and effort to be consistent to ensure that you do what you can to help your child grow up to be a healthy adult.
Do you mean particularly for appearances? I feel like men (and women, and anything in between) compliment men for other things, at least somewhat frequently. Nice work at the presentation, good catch, someone doesn’t skip leg day, etc
Compliments on appearances are less common, but to be honest a lot of men spend 0 effort explicitly on appearances (and are proud of it) so sometimes you get what you put in.
Maybe it’s just a rural/urban split or something. But I’m always confused when I read about the “I haven’t been complimented in 12 years” stories.
I started complimenting an acquaintance on his appearance (he’s got a very good fashion sense). After doing that a few times he took me shopping and I got a few nice outfits. Now I get compliments on my appearance all the time - weekly from men and women. So I guess the lesson is… fashion works? And tell the people around you what they do well and they’ll have you share in their results.
I think that for many people those remarks have become like "thank you"; a term that could mean that someone's genuinely grateful for your work but could also mean they're done with you and please leave.
That’s on tone. I can saw from my experience I very often see men complimented in genuine fashion, not just as small talk or pleasantries.
Oh yeah, sure. But the way a person takes it is not necessarily the same as how it's meant to come across.
Now that I think about it, most of the people I've been talking to have either some kind of mental health issue (more specifically things along the lines of depression or anxiety) or are at least very pessimistic in general, so this is very much a YMMV observation.
Interesting, I never thought about it being a rural/urban thing but there's probably something to that. When I lived in the city I had to wear a suit and tie every day, it was policy. Now that I live rural, and retired from professional life, my only concern is that my clothes aren't TOO ripped or stained but I often joke about looking "only slightly homeless today." The good part is that no one cares, we live in near a blue collar town and thats pretty much how everyone dresses.
But on the original comments, what I read was that men dont get complimented much on anything - not just looks. There was a common thought that they felt they were there to provide money or resources, or to be the physically strong one in a hard job but few people saw to compliment them on anything.
But does no one care? I see on those Reddit threads a lot of “humph, everyone compliments my wife on her new dress” and it’s like, what exactly do you expect people to compliment about your Walmart jeans and t shirt lol. I think people on those threads underestimates the extent to which the people they see receiving compliments spent effort on what they were being complimented.
Effort is a big part of it. And it doesn't need to be flashy. Just an apparent attention to detail and intent.
I didn't start thinking about my presentation until my mid 20's. Since then I regularly receive compliments and I don't do anything special other than making I look put-together. Someone can make walmart jeans and t-shirts work as long the clothes fit, the person takes care of their hygiene/appearance, and incorporates a bit of personality in their style.
I've honestly been surprised at the times I get compliments.
I feel like usually the same people who "don't care about fashion" or complain about people putting on makeup are usually also the ones that are complaining about not getting complements. I grew up with a sister and definitely notice how much effort it takes to put on a face and get an outfit together, and at the same time I don't really expect people to complement my outfit when I just kinda throw something on.
This is part of it for sure, but my experience says that some things are just hard to overcome. I gradually went from dressing poorly to dressing well (both in style and fit) and keeping a decent haircut in my early 20s and almost nothing changed. The issue is, I looked very young, still got asked if I'm 18 when I was 23 once.
When I was about 25 I was finally able to grow a beard (and later got long hair as well, which apart from washing was paradoxically less work than the previous haircut), that made me look almost my age and suddenly the demeanor of everyone around me, especially random people like cashiers, dramatically changed. I still do not normally receive any compliments, but literally everyone became nicer, random small talk became much more common (we're a more introverted society than the US, so it's not an everyday thing), women are more interested in me etc.
That in turn made it much easier for me to be extroverted, because since then I expect everyone to be nicer on average, which again made people nicer to me. Before that it felt like an uphill battle and I just felt invisible most of the time. Looking like an adult raised my attractiveness noticeably, but firstly it's not like I was ugly before, I just looked too young, and secondly even in retrospect I don't know what else I could have done at that time.
This is a singular issue that went away on its own. But I imagine that being simply visually unattractive for most people due to features that are hard to change makes you stay within this hard mode and the effort you have to make is really big. Also, and this might be a controversial opinion, it seems to me that society tends to be nasty to very unattractive women, but more welcoming to average to slightly above average women than to men in the same category.
I'll chime in here with my own experiences. My entire life I've been a straight man interested in fashion. Never Anthony too elaborate I would say, but I have good to great style depending on who you ask or what day you catch me. I'm the type that won't leave the house looking disheveled for any reason. Well, I've hardly been complimented by people outside of friends and family who might say something when I've put together a great fit.
My girlfriend has a completely different fashion sense than I do, but shes got good style of her own, and is a really good thrifter as well. I'm not gonna put her down to make a point, but her style isn't miles ahead of mine, or out of this world with things you've never seen before. She's got decent modern tomboyish fits. Literally she gets 100% of the compliments when we go out. Even when she's not trying and has a lounging fit on or whatever and I actually put something together she'll get complimented before I ever do. It's become a whole joke that I will point out each time and roll my eyes. When I was single I never got complimented either. The phenomenon is definitely real for me. I've even made it a point to start complimenting men more often as a result (but I haven't had an opportunity yet since I made that decision). The worst thing for me is her getting complimented while wearing one of my things while I've never been complimented for wearing it. Absolutely heartbreaking that one.
A few things I'll point out:
I do walk around the world very focused and seriously when I'm alone. Just minding my own and getting to where I'm going. This probably plays into it a bit. Although I'm on the train or bus plenty often that it could happen there but it doesn't unless I'm with her.
I'm guilty of not complimenting men myself, but I also don't compliment women either.
This is a good point. It seems to me these men would have a similar mindset as incels.
"I'm a nice guy if only women would give me a chance!" No, you haven't showered for three days, have no hobbies and you're too afraid to talk to women anyways.
"I never get compliments!" No, you make very little effort and do almost nothing worth a compliment.
I get compliments from my wife, my family, my friends, my co-workers and my bosses. Hell, I can remember getting compliments from complete strangers for being out and about in a Megadeth t-shirt and they liked the band. I'm an overweight, middle-age white guy. Nothing too special going on here. I don't know what these men are doing that no one compliments them.
The US is a large place and ideas of masculinity differ.. let's not be so quick to assume that men that receive few compliments deserve few compliments.
True enough, I might have been cranky typing
It sounds like you were. Check out my reply to Stu for a different POV on the topic.
Cant speak for all men obviously, but I couldn't care less about being complimented on my clothes. To me thats pretty superficial and meaningless.
Now I WOULD be impressed if someone complimented me on what I built. Or what I produced in writing or my art. Or something I invented. Or even something one of my kids accomplished. Heck, just about anything OTHER than what Im wearing.
but like... how often are you showing people what you built or wrote? In public with random strangers at least, the only thing anyone sees is what you're wearing or superficial things
If you're showing a friend what you built or wrote and they're not complimenting you, maybe they're not your friend?
You're not really being complimented on your clothes, you're being complimented on your taste. Also it means someone thinks enough of you to bother saying something on the topic. I might suggest neither of those things are either superficial or meaningless.
Yeah, we obviously live very different lives in very different places. I live where the standard daytime 'mens wear' is a pair of insulated coveralls with reflective tape for work, with a hoodie underneath, and after work its boots, jeans and a insulated flannel shirt jacket. Might go all out and put on their 'fancy' sweatshirt with a team logo on it if the wife/gf insists they look better. I honestly haven't seen any of my male friends or acquaintances here ever dressed up in more than a buttoned shirt and that was probably at a funeral. Im sure you live somewhere with a lot more class - which probably isn't the boonies of northern Canada :)
Last funeral I went to, I didn't even wear a shirt. Black t-shirt...
Just because I mostly only dress in work and loungewear doesn't mean I don't make choices about what I buy, and those choices reflect my aesthetics. I didn't have to buy the florescent orange high top work boots I'm wearing right now but I did and people compliment me on them fairly often.
But the point isn't what you're wearing, it's that someone chooses to mention it. I mean, the both of us are probably not getting a lot of compliments on our outfits but that doesn't mean when/if we do, they're meaningless or shallow. Those compliments are a person reaching out to you and trying to be nice.
I got a compliment on the T-shirt I wore the other night with an Arrested Development reference. She said she liked it and that it was funny. Immediately made me think of your comment!
Okay, but women also don't get complimented regularly on these things. The compliments women receive are OVERWHELMINGLY tied to their appearance.
On that note..... I have noticed from your Tildes posts and comments that you're a "guy who has his stuff together", especially with regards to financial literacy, responsibility to one's community and neighbors, and that you're a great example for your kids for positive masculinity. I remember your post about helping a tenant during a trying time, and that in spite of a previous not so good experience you still continue to try to do the right thing above and beyond the financial transactions. I get a little excited seeing your user name on certain takes also because you lean maybe a little more conservative than some here, and I can expect a measured and interesting viewpoint I may not have considered before.
That was very kind of you. Thank you.
I think there are expectation differences too. My girlfriend really likes affirmation, to the point where it feels like she needs it. I never used to give out compliments, but I've learned with her to say "great driving!" or "this cake is amazing" even if neither of those things are completely true. I got so used to doing it that when I went on a boys trip with a few friends I was initially doing it to them. One was driving us through really narrow streets in a big van so I said "nice driving", to which he turned to me with a confused look and said "yeah, no shit. I know how to drive...". It immediately hit me why I had said it (attuning to girl friends preferences) and how he probably thought I was giving him a bad time (because that's often the version of comraderie we share). To your point, I don't really compliment my guy friends.
Try dressing up a bit and see what folks say?
Another frequent source of compliments is group-adherence: wearing your Sports Ball gear on game day will raise the probability of people being spontaneously friendly and giving approving nods to your outfit
The sports gear thing is real. I am totally a non-sports guy, but during a trip to the US I found and bought a hat that had a Longhorns logo on it. I was quite surprised when a guy in a line up out of the blue started making comments to me about something and I was scrambling to figure out what he was referring to. I must've looked puzzled, Finally he pointed to my hat and asked if I was a Longhorns fan. He didnt know what to say when I replied. "Nope, I have a big head and this was the only hat I liked that fit" lol. I didnt even know the Longhorns were a team.
The other day I was complimented on my choice of beer in the grocery line by another customer. It does happen, and it did make me feel pretty good. Human interactions are always welcome.
Yeah, I get compliments fairly regularly. My friend group is all supportive of one another. I feel like this is more of an American/Latin machismo thing. Maybe European too, but I can't comment on that.
I would say a few things that help or differentiate my situation are:
All of us have been super fucking depressed at one point or another, and willing to talk about it and support each other which results in more complements because we understand.
Almost none of us are cogs in the corporate machine, the ones who are...they don't exactly fit your typical MBA corporate raider stereotype, i.e. they are chill.
I lift, so there are random compliments and support involved in that area too (at least from the people who are decent lifters as opposed to bro-split dbags).
I was bullied basically all the way through school up to HS, so I very much learned not to give a shit about people's opinions. Apparently at my age now this comes across as being confident/cool as opposed to an outcast? (depending on the age of the person commenting on your demeanor)
Sounds like someone's getting picked up at the gym ;)
As someone who has presented in public as a straight male, a gay male, androgynous, a straight female, and a gay female, I feel like I've experienced the whole gamut of possible compliment situations. On a high level, this is what I've observed:
This is a really fascinating rundown. Thank you for sharing your perspective as a person that has existed in so many social roles!
I might just be oblivious but I've also found compliments in gay bars to not necessarily being a sign they're hitting on you whereas in straight bar situations they almost always are.
Yes, my general take on gay men is that because they're no longer read as a potentially threatening presence to women, they start to receive a lot more compliments in general and because of such learn to mirror said behavior, because compliments are nice.
A common experience I have across genders but almost exclusively within the queer community is complimenting the "thing that highlights your queerness" as a visibility acknowledgement.
So, I wear rainbow glasses, and/or a rainbow strapped bag. I'll get compliments on those glasses a lot, usually from other queer folks, but not always. However it's nearly always a positive acknowledgement of queerness. I'll compliment someone's colored hair, piercing, pin, bag, etc similarly.
Exchanges when I'm traveling in, say, Kansas are often "I love your hair!" "Oh thanks I love your glasses!" These are compliments but also acknowledgements. "I see you" Especially when it's a more subtle thing or in a more conservative area. I'll compliment folks for bright colored braids or things in other scenarios too, but I thought that was worth mentioning as a specific type of compliment among queer folks.
Oh absolutely! I go out of my way to let other queers, especially baby queers and folks who are generally straight presenting know that I see them. I see it as both an act of solidarity as well as a little nudge that I can do to hopefully improve their day just a little. There are periods in my life where it's felt like I've just received hate and discrimination non-stop, and so being able to break that up with a little positive nibble here and there feels like one small way I can help.
Yes! It matters to be seen so much! I've gotten it from allies too (or well, you never know but, vibes that they're allies) but probably exclusively from women. I don't know if a straight cis guy, my current partner excluded, has ever complimented me on my queerness before.
Can you expand on this point? What social structure are folks reinforcing? :/ heteronormative structure? Class recognition? Dominance and social standing or cohesion?
It can be basically any of these. Cross gender complimenting with regards to parenting, for example, would be one example of heteronormative structure. It's usually based around cohesion within a shared group or deference towards an important social figure. When it's the former it can also be paired with in-group knowledge, such as men complimenting other men on sports (as mentioned earlier) but doing so in a way to establish their own in-group state by utilizing key/insider knowledge. The latter might look like someone being showered with praise and compliments after organizing an event or it might look like people sucking up to a leader. Female to female compliments might also focus slightly more on social cohesion via their structure itself... there's a difference between complimenting someone's nails who's walking by who you'll never talk to again and opening a conversation with "Wow I really like your nails! Where did you get that color?" The former isn't meant for social structure whereas the latter is - in this case building rapport.
Edit: the below is all referring to appearances. For things like personality, talent, projects, etc. I'm obviously constrained by people who I know or have seen do things. I do try to be generous but honest with my compliments to everyone that I know, including men.
Due to seeing this sort of discussion on reddit, I went through a period of trying to go out of my way to compliment men as often as possible. Only about 1 in 5 took it wrong, assuming that I was flirting with them and getting awkward or whiny or mad when I made it clear that I wasn't, but that was a bad enough ratio to make me mostly stop doing it. I still do it with men that I know and trust, if I can very easily escape the situation if it goes poorly, or if I can compliment the man on his make-up or nail polish. Men wearing make-up or nail polish react super well to compliments 100% of the time in my experience.
I also only ever compliment choices, regardless of gender. Clothes, hairstyles, accessories. I will only comment on people's bodies if I've known them since we were teenagers. If you're wearing cargo shorts, flip flops and a plain t-shirt and your hair is just combed normally...what do you want me to compliment? I never give out compliments unless I mean them. I think it devalues them to do otherwise.
Not defending this behavior but I understand it. If as a person (regardless of sex/gender) hasn't been complemented in 12 years, and then out of nowhere another individual of their sexual preference complements them, how can you blame them for thinking "oh this person may be flirting with me?"
Yes, I know getting whiny or mad when you made it clear you weren't flirting, but getting awkward or surprised when they thought you were flirting but you were not, shouldn't be a surprise.
Their inability to read the situation is their responsibility. If 20% of those interactions become uncomfortable due to that assumption, it's pretty natural to stop engaging in them, because you cannot tell which ones will be the bad interactions and those bad interactions are often immediately assessed as potential safety concerns. Because now you have to turn him down in the "right" way because you're a bitch for leading him on.
So yeah, if it's that common and that uncomfortable as to drive the previous poster to stop doing it? Yeah I put the responsibility on the guy in that space.
I give compliments to folks of all genders, but I look queer so I'm mostly safe from being perceived as interested in guys even though I'm bi.
Totally! I don't blame the guys who got awkward, I just choose not to continue to put myself in that position, and that situation is part of the reason why. The guys that got mad were way more of a factor.
It's probably the opposite of a surprise, tbqh, as I expected it to be an even higher ratio. But it's hypocritical to demand that women compliment men more while downplaying the very real reasons they don't do so -- I'm not saying you're doing this personally but it's very common when this topic comes up (especially in male-dominated places like reddit). One can't blame women for not complimenting men enough while simultaneously not blaming men for assuming every compliment is flirting even when the woman in question goes to great lengths to make it clear it isn't (at least not without revealing obvious partiality). Perhaps the man's behavior is natural for how compliment-starved he is, but the woman's behavior is also natural for how high a ratio of her attempts to give a friendly compliment turn out extremely negatively (and even unsafe) for her.
It's partially fashion, and partially machismo.
About a week ago I was wearing a quirky shirt. It was a plain white button-up shirt with an unusual tiny fish pattern printed on it. I got a compliment from a cashier at a grocery store who said she liked it. Fast forward to yesterday I saw that cashier again and she remembered me.
Men's fashion lacks much in terms of variety. Where women have a nearly infinite variety of clothes combinations they can pull off, men basically have some sort of pants or shorts, some sort of shirt, and some sort of jacket. There's a much smaller variety of items that men can accessorize with as well, and colors are almost universally part of the "masculine pallet"; green, blue, white, grey, black... all boring. On occasion you might see some dark reds.
Machismo is a little harder to define because it's everywhere in small doses. The reasons why most men's fashion is boring is because deviating from those norms risks damaging one's masculinity. I was so excited for that brief time it was acceptable to wear pink - I'm sorry, salmon - because it was such a nice cheery color that complimented a lot of skin tones - and skin tone matching isn't something that a lot of men do to begin with! Men can't wear skirts, but they can wear a kilt - but only if it's a tactical kilt. Oh, who am I kidding, if you wear that you'll get laughed out of the building. And it's sad because it's so damn easy to see a world in which these modes of fashion can work while still being considered masculine.
But the biggest part is probably the social issues masculinity brings with it. Men aren't likely to compliment other men. "That's gay, bro": the one phrase no man wants to hear is one you're opening yourself up to every time they give another man a compliment. And to some people masculinity means having the "air of stoicism" about them, which largely means not speaking - and if you're not talking to people and have an air of unapproachability around you, they're not going to talk to you, let alone compliment you.
I think the best way to summarize these thoughts is with an idiom: the tallest nail gets beaten down. I think a lot of men, for whatever reasons apply to them, do not want to be noticed. As an introvert with social anxiety, I totally get that. I can't see what's going on in other peoples' minds, but these are signs that I think indicate that desire to remain unnoticed is much more common than we'd think.
This is so funny! I have a pink dress shirt which I wear maybe four times in the spring/summer time. Back in 2017, I stopped by a coffee shop near my house on the way to work while wearing the said pink shirt (I had just moved to the neighborhood several months earlier). Worth mentioning, I had also been at this coffee shop before but obviously wearing different clothing. The morning of the pink shirt, the owner found it amusing/interesting and he commented on my pink shirt. And ever since that morning, I am now "the pink shirt guy" regardless of what I wear. Now the rest of the employees just call me "the pink shirt guy."
I like complimenting older men's hats. That is not because I fancy old dudes (nothing against them either), but I do fancy hats. Especially flat hats and any early 20th century worker hats. They are usually happy and tremendously surprised. I'm talking about people in their 60, 70s and older.
I can contribute my personal anecdotal experience as a man. In over 30 years of living I hardly ever received any compliments from non-family/friends... I could probably count them on one hand. That was until about two years ago, when suddenly I was being showered with compliments and praise every time I went out. What happened? Well, my son was born - and apparently now me just taking him out to the playground or the store is worthy of comment. I don't know what it says about our society when the bar is so low as a man that me simply being with my kid and doing normal parenting duties is so incredible but I guess I'll take it.
As a petite woman, I'll venture a guess that the role change made you safe to approach. You're likely focused on the comfort of another human being, as opposed to looking like another man who's on the prowl for women.
Very likely, people have noticed cute shirts you've worn, noticed your well put together attire, great hair, a handsome smile etc for decades, but like @kfwyre said, folks don't want to be mistaken for showing affection / attraction. Not because they fear you specifically but because they're busying scanning for dangers protecting themselves, the way you do when you go out with your son.
That's my guess. I've often had compliments about others internally but I rarely vocalise them because shy + fear.
Compliments are dangerously close to affection which is dangerously close to an expression of attraction. I wish it weren’t this way, and that we could easily separate out the three, but it’s just the way things are.
I would love to compliment guys more, but, as a gay guy, I run the risk of looking like I’m hitting on them. Thus, I avoid it almost entirely. I’ll do it with people that I know really well, but random strangers, acquaintances, and coworkers are all out of the question.
It wasn’t that long ago that I avoided comments like that for my own safety — being perceived as hitting on a guy could have gotten me beat up. As acceptance has grown, I’m no longer afraid of violence, but I now still avoid the situation simply to prevent miscommunication.
It kind of kills me too, because I would love to compliment guys without it potentially getting weird. As a guy myself, I know all too well how few and far between compliments happen for us, but I feel mostly powerless to counterbalance that.
But not entirely powerless! I do have a bit of a strategy.
Compliments are adjacent to gratitude. I make it a point to say things like “Thank you for…” or “I appreciate that you…” a lot. A lot. Probably too much, but I figure erring on the side of appreciation is a good thing since there’s often a dearth of it. People can get weird about compliments, but they usually don’t about gratitude.
It’s not a one-to-one substitution: you generally wouldn’t give gratitude for someone’s outfit, for example. I find that gratitude tends to be more focused on the person’s actions rather than their presentation (which is part of what makes it “safer” to say). That said, you could say something like “I appreciate how you always have such stylish outfits”, which is really just a compliment backdoored through an expression of gratitude.
But anyway, if you’re finding yourself wanting to compliment someone but are running up against those intangible but very real social boundaries around it, then try some gratitude instead and see how it goes.
I'll skip the remarks on the guy-guy compliments, and propose a theory for girl-guy compliments. I wonder if women are fine with complimenting with each other on little things because it's no big deal, it's nice to hear, and it's nice to give. But that maybe they're a little more reticent with men they're not intimate with because men have a reputation for interpreting the compliment as something more than it is and then acting on it.
On dating apps, where the I wait for someone to hit like on my profile first, they still generally don't compliment despite obviously having had some interest. I'm not sure what that means there, but the ratio of compliments I give versus receiving back is skewed. It may just be a small sample size since I haven't been on an app in over 5 years and just recently redownloaded one.
I once complimented a guy on his shirt, he asked for my phone number, I told him I wasn't single and he called me a cheating slut. He was definitely in the extreme minority but how often do you wanna take chances like that?
Ugh, gross. In your shoes, that'd be enough to stop me from ever complimenting a guy I don't know.
I still do it, but way less, and I'm way more careful about when. That time I was at work so I couldn't curse him out or even take a second to shake it off. I never did that again, unless it was nailpolish.
"oh he's just being friendly, why not be friendly back" is how I got force-hugged while jogging one time. I do hate that the incident made me so much less friendly out in public but I hope the men on this thread realise it's not them, and it's not the stingy unfriendly women, but likely, some other asshole has ruined it for all of us.
I'm a guy, and I explicitly avoid giving women compliments because of how it may be interpreted by the woman or by anyone else within earshot. It sucks, because I often think of positive things to say that would probably end up improving a given person's day.
FWIW, I have found an easier time giving compliments online (like on tildes) where gender is more hidden behind usernames and avatars.
I compliment men and women alike. Delivery is important, casual, passing, near the end of an interaction so it is clearly not intended as an ice breaker. I also make sure not to phrase as "I like ..." because they aren't intending for me to like it.
For example: checking out at a grocery store after the transaction is wrapped up. "Thanks have a great day. By the way that's a sick tattoo." Is generally well received because there is an understanding that "thanks!" will send me on my way without any awkward expectation of small talk will the transaction progresses.
This is an excellent tip! I appreciate the example as well. I'm going to try to look for these opportunities to deliver compliments in future. :)
Now here's a man who knows how to take advice!
Someone told me “I like your sweater” in passing. I barely held back tears because I wasn’t expecting to hear something like that ever, let alone from some stranger in the grocery store.
Sometimes I wonder if we remember impactful compliments and forget ones that feel routine or unauthentic. I'd say I get a few compliments a week but like others have said more on work, sports, or cooking than on my appearance. But as soon as I ditch the t-shirt and jeans for a more put together look someone will usually throw me a compliment. Usually though, those don't impact me much.
But then there are the "lifer" comments. The ones like you're calling out that you can recall the moment like yesterday. For me, those tend to be weirder, out of the blue, and from people I don't know. 15 years ago I was leaving a large festival and I heard a random girl (who was quite attractive) say "Wow, look at that guy! He's so tall!" and she came over and said "I love your shirt!" and then asked for a hug. I'm pretty sure she was rolling, but I wore that shirt every chance I could after that. I've never forgotten it. It was so unexpected and genuine that it made me believe what she said. The other was 10 years ago at one of my favorite local bars. She tucked in next to me at the bar to wait for a drink and said "Wow, you have the cutest ears". That was it, she grabbed her drink and bailed. Again, it was such a weirdly specific, out of the blue compliment I've never forgotten it.
When those threads pop up I always identify with the folks posting, feeling like "yes, of course I've only been complimented a few times and can pinpoint when exactly in time!" But I don't think that's true. I think I just really value a few of them and either disregard or expect the others.
I think that this is likely very true for a lot of people. When I saw this thread I asked my husband how often he gets complimented and he replied that it wasn’t very often. However I know for a fact that he gets complimented at least weekly and often more than that. It’s so common for him to come from work mentioning that he was complimented on his outfit or his work or some other random thing. He also is always being fawned over by my parents. When I asked him about those events his reaction was “oh yeah, I guess I do get compliments”. It’s really easy for things to feel routine and not end up memorable, I know this happens with compliments I get as well. I wonder how often people who think they aren’t getting compliments are simply not getting compliments they remember or even registering the compliments they do get as real compliments.
As a man, I'll say this much: I don't always like getting compliments. I especially dislike them about my appearance. I mean, if someone's complimenting my clothing, I didn't make it; I guess you could compliment my haircut since I do it myself, but I just try to do the same thing every time so as to not draw attention to it; and anything natural about my appearance is just random and what I was given genetically. I want my appearance to be neutral and mostly ignored, not necessarily positive.
But I get compliments on things that I do or my personality. I guess the most compliments I get are from my hockey team, either compliments on a particular play or having a good game overall or something. And I've gotten one of my nicest compliments from them: that I'm actually one of the most positive guys they know, able to find the positive side to most things. Considering my history of depression and a seriously rough emotional time through most of my teens and twenties, this is one of the few compliments I've received that made me feel great.
But overall, I don't like compliments that much. My sense of self-worth comes from myself, not from anyone else's opinion of me. So if someone compliments me on something that I feel isn't true, I don't necessarily not believe them, but it does nothing for me.
So to go back to your main question: I don't think I get that many compliments, but I also might not notice them because they generally mean little to me. But I also work from home in a job that has pretty much zero communication with anyone and don't get much socializing out of that. My wife works late most nights, so other than sleeping, I see her at most an hour a day lately. The person I talk to most is my 7 year-old son, and... Hmm, I don't know if he gives compliments! He says nice things about me, but I'll have to think about whether the things he says are compliments or not.
I'm wondering if I am in a position where I surround myself with supportive environments. Because I get compliments at work, with friends, at the store. I'm not like a super good looking person, maybe I'm approachable? The compliments are both appearance and talents.
I do have a tip for anyone looking for a really supportive community, try some disc golf. I've been playing for 10+ years and I have never seen such a great group. Playing in local leagues or just talking to people on the course always results in a great time.
My experience mirrors yours. I do have some unique things (I'm a male that likes to braid their hair) which help me stand out, but otherwise I feel just having an approachable and easy going attitude makes it more inviting to compliment a stranger?