The unlikelihood of being complimented as a man
I read through hundreds of comments on reddit (I know, Ive digressed) on the question 'What would women dislike most if they became men?' The one that hit me square in the face were the thousands of men who agreed that they hadn't been complimented for anything in years.
One commenter said the last time he was complimented was ten years ago and he can still remember the time and the place because it was so unusual. One gut punch even said, "Many men are laying in their casket before many good things are ever said about them" and at first I thought, well that's gotta be hyperbole. But then I thought more about it and realized that while I have had a couple of compliments from my wife over the last year, I dont recall a single other person saying anything complimentary in probably over a year... And I never really thought about it, but its just not something we expect to hear.
It's not like I was waiting for compliments, but I think the statement true - men just rarely get compliments. And I'm not sure why.
I definitely don't compliment my friends very often. Occasionally do compliment my adult son but I'm sure, like most guys, that's pretty infrequent coming from any other male in his life.
It's just a bit odd when I think about how often my wife gets compliments. Or my daughters. Not sure why we men get so little affirmation that way. It really struck me as odd.
On another note...
Becoming a father made the compliment imbalance very clear to me. The mother is some kind of mythical warrior of perfection and poetic beauty. The father, well... "what are you doing here anyway? Step aside while I remind your wife of just how brave she is".
And this is not due to childbirth, because more than a year has passed and nothing changed.
Also, this should totally be in ~life.men. @cfabbro (yes I always tag @cfabbro because I can't remember how to spell @mycketforvirrad :P).
EDIT: I feel some may think I am being critical of women. I'm not. Watching my male friends, some which I've known since childhood, only ever show praise and attention and care for my wife hurts more than anything women could do...
Do you mean particularly for appearances? I feel like men (and women, and anything in between) compliment men for other things, at least somewhat frequently. Nice work at the presentation, good catch, someone doesn’t skip leg day, etc
Compliments on appearances are less common, but to be honest a lot of men spend 0 effort explicitly on appearances (and are proud of it) so sometimes you get what you put in.
Maybe it’s just a rural/urban split or something. But I’m always confused when I read about the “I haven’t been complimented in 12 years” stories.
I started complimenting an acquaintance on his appearance (he’s got a very good fashion sense). After doing that a few times he took me shopping and I got a few nice outfits. Now I get compliments on my appearance all the time - weekly from men and women. So I guess the lesson is… fashion works? And tell the people around you what they do well and they’ll have you share in their results.
I think that for many people those remarks have become like "thank you"; a term that could mean that someone's genuinely grateful for your work but could also mean they're done with you and please leave.
That’s on tone. I can saw from my experience I very often see men complimented in genuine fashion, not just as small talk or pleasantries.
Oh yeah, sure. But the way a person takes it is not necessarily the same as how it's meant to come across.
Now that I think about it, most of the people I've been talking to have either some kind of mental health issue (more specifically things along the lines of depression or anxiety) or are at least very pessimistic in general, so this is very much a YMMV observation.
The other day I was complimented on my choice of beer in the grocery line by another customer. It does happen, and it did make me feel pretty good. Human interactions are always welcome.
Interesting, I never thought about it being a rural/urban thing but there's probably something to that. When I lived in the city I had to wear a suit and tie every day, it was policy. Now that I live rural, and retired from professional life, my only concern is that my clothes aren't TOO ripped or stained but I often joke about looking "only slightly homeless today." The good part is that no one cares, we live in near a blue collar town and thats pretty much how everyone dresses.
But on the original comments, what I read was that men dont get complimented much on anything - not just looks. There was a common thought that they felt they were there to provide money or resources, or to be the physically strong one in a hard job but few people saw to compliment them on anything.
But does no one care? I see on those Reddit threads a lot of “humph, everyone compliments my wife on her new dress” and it’s like, what exactly do you expect people to compliment about your Walmart jeans and t shirt lol. I think people on those threads underestimates the extent to which the people they see receiving compliments spent effort on what they were being complimented.
Effort is a big part of it. And it doesn't need to be flashy. Just an apparent attention to detail and intent.
I didn't start thinking about my presentation until my mid 20's. Since then I regularly receive compliments and I don't do anything special other than making I look put-together. Someone can make walmart jeans and t-shirts work as long the clothes fit, the person takes care of their hygiene/appearance, and incorporates a bit of personality in their style.
I've honestly been surprised at the times I get compliments.
I feel like usually the same people who "don't care about fashion" or complain about people putting on makeup are usually also the ones that are complaining about not getting complements. I grew up with a sister and definitely notice how much effort it takes to put on a face and get an outfit together, and at the same time I don't really expect people to complement my outfit when I just kinda throw something on.
This is a good point. It seems to me these men would have a similar mindset as incels.
"I'm a nice guy if only women would give me a chance!" No, you haven't showered for three days, have no hobbies and you're too afraid to talk to women anyways.
"I never get compliments!" No, you make very little effort and do almost nothing worth a compliment.
I get compliments from my wife, my family, my friends, my co-workers and my bosses. Hell, I can remember getting compliments from complete strangers for being out and about in a Megadeth t-shirt and they liked the band. I'm an overweight, middle-age white guy. Nothing too special going on here. I don't know what these men are doing that no one compliments them.
The US is a large place and ideas of masculinity differ.. let's not be so quick to assume that men that receive few compliments deserve few compliments.
Cant speak for all men obviously, but I couldn't care less about being complimented on my clothes. To me thats pretty superficial and meaningless.
Now I WOULD be impressed if someone complimented me on what I built. Or what I produced in writing or my art. Or something I invented. Or even something one of my kids accomplished. Heck, just about anything OTHER than what Im wearing.
but like... how often are you showing people what you built or wrote? In public with random strangers at least, the only thing anyone sees is what you're wearing or superficial things
If you're showing a friend what you built or wrote and they're not complimenting you, maybe they're not your friend?
Edit: the below is all referring to appearances. For things like personality, talent, projects, etc. I'm obviously constrained by people who I know or have seen do things. I do try to be generous but honest with my compliments to everyone that I know, including men.
Due to seeing this sort of discussion on reddit, I went through a period of trying to go out of my way to compliment men as often as possible. Only about 1 in 5 took it wrong, assuming that I was flirting with them and getting awkward or whiny or mad when I made it clear that I wasn't, but that was a bad enough ratio to make me mostly stop doing it. I still do it with men that I know and trust, if I can very easily escape the situation if it goes poorly, or if I can compliment the man on his make-up or nail polish. Men wearing make-up or nail polish react super well to compliments 100% of the time in my experience.
I also only ever compliment choices, regardless of gender. Clothes, hairstyles, accessories. I will only comment on people's bodies if I've known them since we were teenagers. If you're wearing cargo shorts, flip flops and a plain t-shirt and your hair is just combed normally...what do you want me to compliment? I never give out compliments unless I mean them. I think it devalues them to do otherwise.
Not defending this behavior but I understand it. If as a person (regardless of sex/gender) hasn't been complemented in 12 years, and then out of nowhere another individual of their sexual preference complements them, how can you blame them for thinking "oh this person may be flirting with me?"
Yes, I know getting whiny or mad when you made it clear you weren't flirting, but getting awkward or surprised when they thought you were flirting but you were not, shouldn't be a surprise.
Their inability to read the situation is their responsibility. If 20% of those interactions become uncomfortable due to that assumption, it's pretty natural to stop engaging in them, because you cannot tell which ones will be the bad interactions and those bad interactions are often immediately assessed as potential safety concerns. Because now you have to turn him down in the "right" way because you're a bitch for leading him on.
So yeah, if it's that common and that uncomfortable as to drive the previous poster to stop doing it? Yeah I put the responsibility on the guy in that space.
I give compliments to folks of all genders, but I look queer so I'm mostly safe from being perceived as interested in guys even though I'm bi.
Totally! I don't blame the guys who got awkward, I just choose not to continue to put myself in that position, and that situation is part of the reason why. The guys that got mad were way more of a factor.
It's partially fashion, and partially machismo.
About a week ago I was wearing a quirky shirt. It was a plain white button-up shirt with an unusual tiny fish pattern printed on it. I got a compliment from a cashier at a grocery store who said she liked it. Fast forward to yesterday I saw that cashier again and she remembered me.
Men's fashion lacks much in terms of variety. Where women have a nearly infinite variety of clothes combinations they can pull off, men basically have some sort of pants or shorts, some sort of shirt, and some sort of jacket. There's a much smaller variety of items that men can accessorize with as well, and colors are almost universally part of the "masculine pallet"; green, blue, white, grey, black... all boring. On occasion you might see some dark reds.
Machismo is a little harder to define because it's everywhere in small doses. The reasons why most men's fashion is boring is because deviating from those norms risks damaging one's masculinity. I was so excited for that brief time it was acceptable to wear pink - I'm sorry, salmon - because it was such a nice cheery color that complimented a lot of skin tones - and skin tone matching isn't something that a lot of men do to begin with! Men can't wear skirts, but they can wear a kilt - but only if it's a tactical kilt. Oh, who am I kidding, if you wear that you'll get laughed out of the building. And it's sad because it's so damn easy to see a world in which these modes of fashion can work while still being considered masculine.
But the biggest part is probably the social issues masculinity brings with it. Men aren't likely to compliment other men. "That's gay, bro": the one phrase no man wants to hear is one you're opening yourself up to every time they give another man a compliment. And to some people masculinity means having the "air of stoicism" about them, which largely means not speaking - and if you're not talking to people and have an air of unapproachability around you, they're not going to talk to you, let alone compliment you.
I think the best way to summarize these thoughts is with an idiom: the tallest nail gets beaten down. I think a lot of men, for whatever reasons apply to them, do not want to be noticed. As an introvert with social anxiety, I totally get that. I can't see what's going on in other peoples' minds, but these are signs that I think indicate that desire to remain unnoticed is much more common than we'd think.
This is so funny! I have a pink dress shirt which I wear maybe four times in the spring/summer time. Back in 2017, I stopped by a coffee shop near my house on the way to work while wearing the said pink shirt (I had just moved to the neighborhood several months earlier). Worth mentioning, I had also been at this coffee shop before but obviously wearing different clothing. The morning of the pink shirt, the owner found it amusing/interesting and he commented on my pink shirt. And ever since that morning, I am now "the pink shirt guy" regardless of what I wear. Now the rest of the employees just call me "the pink shirt guy."
I like complimenting older men's hats. That is not because I fancy old dudes (nothing against them either), but I do fancy hats. Especially flat hats and any early 20th century worker hats. They are usually happy and tremendously surprised. I'm talking about people in their 60, 70s and older.
I'll skip the remarks on the guy-guy compliments, and propose a theory for girl-guy compliments. I wonder if women are fine with complimenting with each other on little things because it's no big deal, it's nice to hear, and it's nice to give. But that maybe they're a little more reticent with men they're not intimate with because men have a reputation for interpreting the compliment as something more than it is and then acting on it.
On dating apps, where the I wait for someone to hit like on my profile first, they still generally don't compliment despite obviously having had some interest. I'm not sure what that means there, but the ratio of compliments I give versus receiving back is skewed. It may just be a small sample size since I haven't been on an app in over 5 years and just recently redownloaded one.
I once complimented a guy on his shirt, he asked for my phone number, I told him I wasn't single and he called me a cheating slut. He was definitely in the extreme minority but how often do you wanna take chances like that?
Ugh, gross. In your shoes, that'd be enough to stop me from ever complimenting a guy I don't know.
I still do it, but way less, and I'm way more careful about when. That time I was at work so I couldn't curse him out or even take a second to shake it off. I never did that again, unless it was nailpolish.
I'm a guy, and I explicitly avoid giving women compliments because of how it may be interpreted by the woman or by anyone else within earshot. It sucks, because I often think of positive things to say that would probably end up improving a given person's day.
FWIW, I have found an easier time giving compliments online (like on tildes) where gender is more hidden behind usernames and avatars.
I compliment men and women alike. Delivery is important, casual, passing, near the end of an interaction so it is clearly not intended as an ice breaker. I also make sure not to phrase as "I like ..." because they aren't intending for me to like it.
For example: checking out at a grocery store after the transaction is wrapped up. "Thanks have a great day. By the way that's a sick tattoo." Is generally well received because there is an understanding that "thanks!" will send me on my way without any awkward expectation of small talk will the transaction progresses.
This is an excellent tip! I appreciate the example as well. I'm going to try to look for these opportunities to deliver compliments in future. :)
Someone told me “I like your sweater” in passing. I barely held back tears because I wasn’t expecting to hear something like that ever, let alone from some stranger in the grocery store.
As a man, I'll say this much: I don't always like getting compliments. I especially dislike them about my appearance. I mean, if someone's complimenting my clothing, I didn't make it; I guess you could compliment my haircut since I do it myself, but I just try to do the same thing every time so as to not draw attention to it; and anything natural about my appearance is just random and what I was given genetically. I want my appearance to be neutral and mostly ignored, not necessarily positive.
But I get compliments on things that I do or my personality. I guess the most compliments I get are from my hockey team, either compliments on a particular play or having a good game overall or something. And I've gotten one of my nicest compliments from them: that I'm actually one of the most positive guys they know, able to find the positive side to most things. Considering my history of depression and a seriously rough emotional time through most of my teens and twenties, this is one of the few compliments I've received that made me feel great.
But overall, I don't like compliments that much. My sense of self-worth comes from myself, not from anyone else's opinion of me. So if someone compliments me on something that I feel isn't true, I don't necessarily not believe them, but it does nothing for me.
So to go back to your main question: I don't think I get that many compliments, but I also might not notice them because they generally mean little to me. But I also work from home in a job that has pretty much zero communication with anyone and don't get much socializing out of that. My wife works late most nights, so other than sleeping, I see her at most an hour a day lately. The person I talk to most is my 7 year-old son, and... Hmm, I don't know if he gives compliments! He says nice things about me, but I'll have to think about whether the things he says are compliments or not.
I can contribute my personal anecdotal experience as a man. In over 30 years of living I hardly ever received any compliments from non-family/friends... I could probably count them on one hand. That was until about two years ago, when suddenly I was being showered with compliments and praise every time I went out. What happened? Well, my son was born - and apparently now me just taking him out to the playground or the store is worthy of comment. I don't know what it says about our society when the bar is so low as a man that me simply being with my kid and doing normal parenting duties is so incredible but I guess I'll take it.
I'm wondering if I am in a position where I surround myself with supportive environments. Because I get compliments at work, with friends, at the store. I'm not like a super good looking person, maybe I'm approachable? The compliments are both appearance and talents.
I do have a tip for anyone looking for a really supportive community, try some disc golf. I've been playing for 10+ years and I have never seen such a great group. Playing in local leagues or just talking to people on the course always results in a great time.