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What silly complaints would your pets try to report?
Inspired by a conversation with my mom about how our poor dog didn't get fed until 5:08 instead of 5:00, poor thing seemed convinced we forgot she needed food. Mom joked that Zoey would call the ASPCA to report animal abuse for starving her. And I realized it's really good animals can't call because the lines would be flooded with reports of their humans closing bedroom doors or daring to stop playing after 45 minutes outside on a snowy day.
So, what silly complaints would your pets make?
My cat would like to state for the record that she has never been fed in her entire life, and any evidence to the contrary is fabricated in order to starve her.
My cat is surely going to team up with yours to file a class-action suit against all humans for starving them.
Also here with a cat that swears he’s starving
But at least he’s not very good at lying about it
Hey now, no cat shaming.
My dog would like to formally lodge complaints that deer have been seen loitering in our neighbor’s yard which is within her line of sight. She also is requesting a follow up on her previous reports of suspicious activity about the rabbits and squirrels in our backyard and of the fox that she knows to be committing trespass against her space on a regular basis.
I’m sorry there must be some kind of mistake here — I think you’ll find that regardless of the fence that may or may not exist, if it is within her line of sight then it’s her yard, not the neighbour’s.
Yep, sounds about right. Zoey would go nuts whenever she saw the neighbors' dogs in The Yard That Belongs To Us But Cannot Be Accessed. She was always watching that small section of chainlink fence where we could see into that yard, primed to warn us about the intruders.
And now our new house only has a fence on the back side, so the neighbors' yards are totally just extensions of her territory. At least they don't have dogs too...
Our German Shepherd would like to lodge a complaint with the NLRB that the household has not appropriately staffed his security team and have undue work expectations. He would like new terms in the CBA that dictate the following:
My cats would complain that I spend too much time outside in the summer and not enough time being ignored by them.
My cat actually raises a legitimately good point, that I spend waaaay too much time playing with my weird little black boxes with the colored lights, instead of focusing entirely on him.
As I type this right now, I am receiving dirty looks for only petting him with one hand, and not really "committing" to the effort.
The cat and the dog are constantly lodging complaints against one another. Each one thinks they're in the right. Every report is several pages long and biblical in scope.
Cat complaints against me would always fall within the lap/entitlement to lap matrix.
Lilly will be serving notice that the weather was not adjusted to her satisfaction.
She will wipe exactly the amount of rain she has absorbed directly onto the pillow next to your head, to the drop, to provide you with an appropriate measure of her displeasure.
If there is snow, she will touch it disdainfully with one dainty paw tip, and retreat to the warmth of the hearth. Then destroy the carpet for a while to get the horror and trauma out of her system. No understanding for the hardships she endures!
Lilly's humans are insufficiently grateful for her generous gifts of dead mice and voles, even when she carefully eats to leave the choicest bits (usually where a bare foot will be placed first thing in the morning) and provide only the best for her hapless, inadequate charges.
Dash will not complain. He will happily watch humans doing human things, for hours. Why don't we welcome his diligent attention (and attempted involvement) with regard to our amorous endeavors? Who wouldn't appreciate fifteen pounds of cat butt-surfing whichever one is on top?
Toes under blankets are the best toys, and the noises humans make after a good chomp are even more entertainment. He loves the brief joy of flight from an involuntary kick, and will return for another round. Such an amiable boy, who just wants to be chums with everyone.
Butt surfing (cats) is one of those phrases that I'm reasonably sure I've never heard before but which nevertheless sounds like I always knew it.
My dog wishes to convey how unacceptable it is that it has been
slightly over 30 minutesdays since she was last escorted outside.She also wants me to know that pressing play on a tv show that has 42 minute episodes is the equivalent of admitting that she is totally unloved and I need to stop immediately or she'll call the ASPCA.
Our friends cat (who we rent on occasion) would like us to know, something. I'm not sure what it is, but it sure seems important because he will NOT shut up about it (but it's ok because he's adorable).
Real complaints from when I had a dog. She wasn't very talkative (barky), but was a great communicator via dog-telepathy:
I mean, the dust bunnies had been around so long they probably had a diploma. I wouldn't call them riffraff.
That time I learned that in some versions of fetch, everyone gets exercise!
She always got a special sausage-flavored treat after dinner. If I ran out, or we were having dinner at a relative's, or I didn't give her exactly the right portion to the microgram (not like she chewed anyway, oy) then she would give me a bark of annoyance. Formal complaint lodged! If I had to go to the store to get more she was inconsolable. Never saw her more upset than when the economy got in the way of her after dinner
cigartreat.Fig - our new black (tabby markings under there) kitten/piranha - would like to complain that we do not let him bite us at all times.
Nova - our grey/brown tabby - would like to complain that I do not feed her the kitten food. Or enough treats. Or food more often than the 6x a day automatic dispensers that we got because she stresses over food but also overeats and throws up before stressing again.
Pippin, Fool of an Orange Tabby, Took - would like to complain that he is not the baby boy anymore and despite the fact we're a full sized big ol tom cat now (not really he's neutered, but idk what you call him, a Gib is old slang apparently?) he's still a huge mama's boy and wants to beat up his baby brother. Classic middle child.
How dare we bring a new child into this house.
Fig would like to additionally complain about his first vet visit which required TWO churus to get through his blood draw. He was displeased.
TWO CHURUS in a sitting is insane. After moving away from my family I had to cut that cat crack because my cat internalized a daily churu feeding schedule (thanks grandma).
It was like 1/4 of one for the shot, no biggie
But the blood draw was a bad time. He was just chewing the wrapper he was so unhappy at one point.
He did promptly get home and take a big ol nap so his 3 month old belly was full.
(Normally we split a churu or equivalent between all three cats. Although Nova may get one during nail clipping sessions because it's a rough time.)
Food is NOT provided when demanded! The heathen starves me!
the humans have no concept of what I need socially. Pet me, but not! Play with me, but not! You know, cat-like, you dumb apes.
the humans refuse to give me enough pets!
the humans do not play with me enough. They do all those weird things, and they seem unhappy. Play with ball, be happy. Can't they see that?
Cosmonaut would like to lodge a complaint with ground control that they are not sufficiently enthused by the 3:30am zoomies, and nor do they even attempt to get up and zoom with him. Honestly, you’d think the damn humans weren’t on call, the way they just try to roll back over and sleep.
And then, when he tries to remind them of their duties, his (definitely) gentle
maulnibble of their toes beneath the blanket seems to initially work. One human (the shorter one, usually) arises fast and quick like a cat, elevating his hopes for a zooming partner. But no. They toss him out of his bedroom and close the door!Appalling behaviour, and absolutely no way to run a mission.
The little bean would like to complain that she isn't able to yell at her barky spot at the dog on the third floor who routinely sets all the building dogs off.
My dog would like to report repeated violations of social distancing guidelines. My mom and I keep hugging and touching, especially at night. Our reassurances that the worst of the pandemic has passed and those guidelines have been lifted don't sway her. Even other people will touch and hug each other in front of her!
She also wants to report my mom taking out empty cans to the recycling bin. I thought it was because she's just against recycling in general, but she didn't care when my aunt took out cans so now I have no clue why. Maybe she just wants mom to cut down on unhealthy drinks, I don't know.
Hello, police?
I’d like to report a SERIOUS crime.
Yes, trespassing! It happens EVERY single day except one day when my humans stay home.
Yes, the perpetrator is a human with a large bag. He puts stuff from the bag in a box on MY property. I can even see him going to other houses. He trespasses the whole neighborhood!
No matter how much I bark he ALWAYS returns. And he’s not even scared of me! Instead of being fear-filled he just kindly waves at me. Such ARROGANCE! If you could put a stop to him this instant, I and all the other neighborhood dogs would thank you.
While I’m on the call, I’d also like to report a HEINOUS food crime.
My humans have a bag with LOTS of treats. But they only give me one at a time! The rest of the treats are RIGHT there! They could easily give me more, if not the whole bag. This is an INJUSTICE and I demand it be corrected.
Our cat foster would like to remind us that their previous arrangement allowed for 1/4 cup of food per serving, and just because the feeder gives a bit more than that is NO REASON to adjust the severing. Also, the socks are his, and if you are wearing them, they are to be removed or you risk injury.
My resident trip hazard would like to complain that he is in not, in fact, a trip hazard but rather that the bipedal mammals walking are not attentive enough.
This has nothing to do with said trip hazard possessing the survival skills of a flightless potato during a famine.
Nor is it because of the trip hazard's desire to be near the humans but not actually touching, just very close, so that they don't notice he's there until they take a step backward and are met with blood curdling yowls.
And certainly running into the human's foot as they are walking is totally normal cat behaviour and the human should adjust in such a manner that they do not stumble and fall instead of the trip hazard simply choosing better trajectories.
My dogs would report the deadly serious crimes of people walking, biking, and in general existing in the road in front of my home for short periods of time. They would also like to formally lodge a complaint about squirrels, rabbits, and dear being a thing.
Khione would like to make a PSA informing all pet parents that elk, deer, cat, and goose poop are important parts of a healthy diet, as are ungulate carcasses.
Also, seat belts are bad, as it restricts freedom to jump out of the windows of moving vehicles to chase living ungulates.
The dog would like to complain that it is after dinner and therefore it is walkie time (but it's also 85F and her toesies will hurt if we do that now). She says her attempted conditioning of us is failing and she doesn't know why. Also, food is always one hour late in the afternoon. Clearly we aren't very good at reading clocks because she keeps being told there's 40 minutes left to wait. Also, the cat won't share his food. Or help her check out the trash to make sure there's no goodies the humans missed eating.
The cat would like to complain that the dog is in his personal space. Yes, the whole house is his personal space. And now so is the yard. She just doesn't respect his bubble. It's embarrassing that she hasn't caught on yet. Also, the humans keep forgetting to leave the closet doors open so he can organize stuff. It's their loss, really. He is very precise about the locations of items. Only toy mice and crinkly bags of things he can rip open with his teeth really belong in closets, and of course, the doors are meant to be left open.
Unfortunately don't have a pet at this time, but I'll answer for my childhood pet. Still love you Snoepie, hope you're doing well in cat heaven.
She would complain about the blatant hypocrisy those damn humans have. Using the kitchen counter every damn day, yet we hush her off when we see her getting on the thing. Also, that we're not around enough when she meets with other cats - so that she can show off how bravely she stare them down(which only happened when we're around).