I’m looking for realistic alternatives to flying across the Atlantic Ocean.

I write this from an airport. I utterly despise flying. I hate it. I dislike literally every step of the process. I find the security screenings degrading despite the supposed advantages of TSA Pre-Check and Global Entry. I find the inefficient, class-based boarding process to be a complete waste of time. I am offended by the ridiculous itemized charges for luggage. Flying wreaks havoc on my body—my legs do not fit in their tiny seats and my head does not rest comfortably against their poorly adjustable headrest. Breathing stale, recirculating air for eight hours next to a coughing madman is unpleasant. When landing, without fail, the change in air pressure annihilates my sinuses, causing me a non-trivial amount of pain. I do not like it.

These factors, primarily, as well as some preference for an environmentally friendly lifestyle, have led me to ask for ways to avoid using an airplane to cross the pond.

I would be willing to pay somewhat more and spend considerably more time in transit to avoid flying. If it’s to be a particularly slow voyage (more than a week, as I imagine is typical), I would need an internet connection to work my job; something that can sustain a connection to a virtual machine, or in an ideal world take video calls. I have no other particular needs.

I obviously cannot take a train. I am left with only two options as a non-working passenger (I think): a cruise, or a cargo ship. The former sounds expensive. I have heard of people doing the latter but at a glance all I see online is “service paused due to COVID-19.” Surely that cannot truly be the case in 2023, though?

Does anyone have experience doing this? Can you offer advice on where to get started, what the experience is like, and what pitfalls to avoid? I am honestly almost at a breaking point here. I am obligated to take several transatlantic flights in the next year and I really cannot bear to continue doing this. I am open to ideas even if not all my criteria can be met. I appreciate any comments.