Preface: Sorry if this isn't the place, and if I'm cagey on some specifics. Also sorry for the length, this turned out a lot longer than I anticipated.

My partner and I have been together for nearly 8 years at this point. This was my first serious, long-term committed relationship; every other one I'd had was short-lived (<3 months) and I hadn't exactly had a lot of them. Maybe this is why I was blind to the cracks until things got unavoidable.

It started off strong and passionate of course, and things moved rather quickly. We (they, I'm not on the title) bought a house and we were expecting a child within a year. I should have kept things slower, thought with my head instead of blindly following my heart. I'd been very lonely for a very long time. I was happy those first few years, even if in hindsight the cracks were beginning to show. Even before baby came along, intimacy fell off a cliff. I had many talks about this with them, which led nowhere much really. The rest of the relationship still felt solid to me though. I pressed on.

In the beginning, they had a better job than I did. I earned far less. Luckily an opportunity came up for me to finish my schooling and further my career, and I put a lot of work into achieving just that. Now things have changed with that, and I feel like we could be doing well together... If it weren't for the financial instability I feel they bring. I'd never been great with money, but my partner's father took me under his wing and taught me a lot of financial literacy. I became adept at putting together spreadsheets and managing our finances. Our first major crisis we overcame together through being very fiscally conservative and digging our way out. We also had several windfalls that helped us out. Then... another crisis, again because of overspending on their end. We pulled from our IRAs in order to stay afloat, with promises to do better. Then... another crisis. Again. Same reasons. We put together a loan against the home's equity. More promises.

We are again heading to a crisis. We are out of windfalls and options and frankly I'm exhausted.

Finally, parenting and housekeeping. I've always loved how my partner cares so much for their children (from a prior relationship) as well as ours. They have a way of making magical moments which I envy. This is contrasted by their complete inability to parent effectively. There's no consequences, no expectations, no boundaries, and it's infuriating. Initially it wasn't quite that bad, and I felt I had equal say in parenting. Over the years, that's eroded to my partner viewing me as authoritarian and domineering. The kids know they'll get their way with them so why would they ever come to me first?

Maybe it was the extra time during COVID but they also put more effort into housekeeping early on as well. Now I feel it mostly falls on my shoulders, and my will to clean and keep up is murdered by the fact that within hours it's a mess again. It isn't helped by the fact that my partner is a hoarder. I have to gut things from the house in secret. I haven't seen the corners of my walls in ages. I spent a week while they were away cleaning the home top to bottom last year. Within a day it looked like a bomb went off.

These are all things I've tried discussing with them, multiple times, over the years. I mostly get brushed off, or (what I feel now are) empty promises. Most infuriating to me is "I don't know what you want me to say." I want you to say what's in your heart, what you feel! Don't tell me something you think I want to hear, be honest.

I feel I know where this is going, I don't want to fall in the same trap I see many couples are in where it's clearly over and yet they keep moving along. We're not married, a clean break is reasonable, I know my partner can be mature about things because their relationship with their ex is amazingly calm and chill.

I'm terrified in a way of being alone again.

I don't really know where to turn for more perspective. I've already talked with my sister, and a close co-worker who is going through some of the same feelings I am. Those conversations have been very helpful. Recently, what really put things in stark contrast was the other day when my partner's father asked "So is everything ok between you two?" If he went out and asked, it means it's really obvious things are not ok.

I've been fantasizing a lot lately about what a split would be like. Making plans for where to go, and figuring out how to reconcile things like accounts, items, and debts. Worst of all I've been fantasizing about being with other people; the intimacy and passions has been gone between us for a long time. The last time my partner initiated anything between us was a year ago, and I don't even remember the time before that. Everything feels so wrong and unsatisfactory.

I told them yesterday we need a frank talk, and not through text this time - their preferred method of communication with me for a while now... But I have no idea when we even have time for that away from the kids.

Closing thought: I don't want to feel like I've pre-determined my outcome here. I feel I've done what I can though, to make my own feelings clear. Thank you for any thoughts.

A few months ago, my credit card number was used in a few unauthorized transactions. The charges were reversed, and I got a new card, so overall, no big deal. But I am curious as to how the thief actually got their hands on my information.

Are there any lookup tools for leaked credit cards, similar to Have I Been Pwned, that might tell me how my credit card number was exposed? Since my card has already been cancelled, I don't even mind typing the number into a somewhat sketchy site.

For the past several years I’ve been knee deep involved in Ukraine and as several people on Tildes know, a lot of my earliest days were spent donating, tens of thousands. All in all I’ve donated enough to nearly bankrupt myself when my situation changed.

As I got more involved (and now I’m an active investor in the sector), I want to share something I’ve learned since that I wish someone had told me when I started:

Every dollar you have that you want to put to work can, on average, be 10x’d by the time you put it in.

That means if you want to donate 10k, you may well be able to end up putting 100k to work towards your goal.

You may have seen this take the form of donation matching — some fame seekers sometimes do it (I’ll donate 10 dollars for every dollar you donate), but this isn’t necessarily what I mean.

Speaking on an investment side: on average, 10% “skin in the game” makes it very easy to get the remaining 90% as long as there is a net positive outcome possible. So by positioning your donation as your skin in the game to a larger fundraise, you set yourself up for multiplying your impact by ten.

What’s more: let’s say you don’t want to donate 10k in bulk but you have a good job that allows you to set aside 1k usd per month. You want to donate half of that (500 usd). This means per year you can donate 6k usd.
Are you able to take a two year engagement? Congratulations, that means you are donating 12k and can now raise for 120k with 10% skin in the game (as long as the money isn’t needed faster than at the rate it can be committed).

I had this discussion with an acquaintance who has been in finance for a long time and got a very good job. She was trying to figure out how to “invest” 40k per year, that would otherwise be lost to taxes. On a 7 year engagement she has now setup a 10M climate fund (around 2% SITG which is standard for funds).

I was floored she didn’t know this. I figured the reason I didn’t was because I didn’t study economics, but it seems so fundamental that I want more people to be aware that this is a thing.

Hello. I usually talk about trains, except today, I just want to vent on my finances and my wishes for a less expensive world.

I have found myself in financial straits,as I had amassed debt last year, lost work for months and amassed more debt. It’s in the low tens of thousands. of course I also lost my healthcare because I live in a rich country run by morally destitute anti-intellectuals.

On paper, I will pay off the debt in 18-24 months, if god allows. I have work now.

This city’s transit system has been hobbled in bad faith and will be destroyed come January….Fares have already risen, service cut. My train to work will be cut because the state refuses to provide services for its most productive citizens. It is twice as long by bus, suicide by bicycle on roads built for tanks, so I will have to sacrifice time or life.

It seems the price of electricity has increased. I would generate my own, but it is impractical.

Sadly my possessions are breaking too. This is the way of things, it’s just miserable timing, and each discovery of a failing mechanism or dilapidated object piles onto the defeat. The window frame has rotted and the glass fallen -- the house is frozen. Not a single plant survives. (The landlord will fix it, but not hurriedly…..) Bulbs burnt out, rooms dark. My bicycle needs new brakes, a new chain, my helmet has been destroyed and should be replaced, but for now I have been riding without. The computer has broken after 14 years, admittedly about time…. An expensive thing to replace, so now I only have my phone, whose battery has degraded quite a lot and will not be usable for too much longer, and a small laptop on death’s door too. I had worn my single pair of walking shoes for 5 years until, yesterday, the sole fell off. (Thankfully, I have one more, but it is formal and uncomfortable) A new pair is more costly than I remember… I know a cheap one will disintegrate in a season and do nothing for the snow, and a quality one is beyond financial prudence. My jacket is worn and torn by years and embers, beyond my ability to sew, and I must darn and darn and darn all the socks and gloves with holes, which I hate to do, and i am not good at. The denim jeans are ripped, in a place difficult to patch, and the pockets torn. I cannot bear the cold the same anymore, so I also need an overcoat, which I cannot afford. The fitted sheets are inexplicably torn by some punitive act of god, probably irreparably. The pillows are compressed, worthless, and causing me pain. Even the tent, which I might use to regain some sanity in the woods, has had its elastic poles dried solid and is basically unusable. At least I have a few books.

My lifestyle is structurally cheap. Affordable city, relatively low rent, multiple housemates, no car, only occasional commute, no dog, no wife, no children. Not too much to pay for. I eat simply. I am content with it.

Yet somehow I find myself with hundreds of dollars of credit card purchases this month, more than an entire paycheck, and last was also more. Qualifying for a healthcare plan has reduced my medical costs, but the difference is withheld, and I’m realizing that often it costs more than it would cost out of pocket, so at best it makes no difference. The dental and vision are exorbitant, so I just hope I don’t get a cavity.

I suspect I need glasses, or will soon. I can tell my eyesight is beginning to worsen. But it’ll have to wait a couple years.

The fear of a worse medical emergency persists. The deductible is rather high for a plan that offers no HSA and the co-pay is unremarkable, the coverage limited. Perhaps the least useful healthcare plan I’ve ever had.

I do not gamble. I like to drink beer but have abstained recently. My hobbies are inspecting train and street infrastructure, studying the Holy Bible, moralizing on the internet and persuading the government to institute a better society. I lapse sometimes and make impulsive purchases, but not frequently. I have not even gone to see a game in two years.

It’s a great pain to review your statements and recognize that almost none of the purchases were wasteful, only a few technically unnecessary. There were just too many overall.

What upsets me most is the social distance I have gained from my condition of functional poverty. the agony of refusing visits, trips, games, concerts, shows, dinners, coffees, drinks grinds on me daily. Yes it is still nice to say hello, it is just not the same. The pity, or disgust, the symbolic offers of charity received. Mostly the confusion—the awkwardness, the unsolicited advice (which I don’t normally mind, but it gets old). I prefer to socialize with bourgeois progressives, academics and professionals who care about engineering and mathematics and government policy and theory. It’s what I care about. I do not really resent them, but everything they do costs more money than I possess, so it is difficult to see friends and I cannot hope to keep up with colleagues after work.

I don’t object to work but I resent the fact that I must pay for my own healthcare. I also resent that my government neglects my transportation and my safety. I resent the pollution of the air, the NIMBYism driving up rents and leaving the addicted even more hopeless. I acknowledge the mistakes I’ve made that have led me here. I can’t undo the past, but Congress could socialize all medicine in the next budget if it wanted to…. repeatedly chooses not to.

That’s all. I just wanted to complain. You can give me advice if you want. I’m relatively financially literate, just poor and human.

I have held out for years from getting a loyalty/membership card from supermarkets as I hate the tracking that they do. But here in the UK so many prices are now locked behind it in most supermarkets, it feels like I’m just giving them so much extra money it’s getting ridiculous. I end up spending more money to shop where they don’t do this, but most of the major players are now adding these member only prices it’s hard to keep the status quo.
For other privacy minded people, how do you manage this?

I am looking to replace our current vehicle (17 expedition) because of some issues (1st gen Ecoboost... eats plugs every 30k miles, runs rich, poorer than expected milage, plus the looming threat of cam phaser and timing issues common to this motor) and the fact we don't really need the space anymore now that my kids are out of the full size baby seats and our dog doesn't travel with us much anymore (because we don't travel much anymore..).

I have always bought used. The expedition I bought with 70k miles on it and now it has around 135k. I'm growing tired of swapping cars every 3-4 years, so I started doing research a few months back and the name that keeps coming up again and again is the RAV4.

I test drove one to make sure I fit (6'3" and certainly no stranger to cheesecake) and the fit was nice. I used to drive a 13 Ford focus so I figured it would be fine, and it was. I think I'm most interested in the hybrid drivetrain as the allure of the e-cvt (chunky planetary gear system, no clutches, seems incredibly bulletproof) is quite tempting. Not to mention we mostly drive city and the better mpg is a nice bonus, but the cost difference between the 2 make that a bit of a moot point. I realize the long term cost of batteries and "cable gate" but I'm not too concerned.

My reservation is that based on the used sales figures for these newer (23+) rav4s, it just doesn't make sense to buy used. If I buy the one we want new, it's around 41k out the door. This would be the most expensive vehicle I've ever purchased by an 8k margin.

Our payment versus our current car would go up about 200 per month, but our gas costs will go down about 130 per month so the delta isn't huge. Since the resale value on these vehicles is so high, I'd be "right side up" on the value within 18 or so months. However, the ultimate goal for this car is to have it for 15+ years.

I've never not had a car payment because I had transmission issues or engine issues with them all. I had a Pontiac g6 with transmission issues, a GMC sierra with transmission issues, the focus had the dreaded DCT, I had a ram truck for a little bit which was falling apart almost as soon as I bought it (snapped 3 manifold bolts within 500 miles of owning it just to start), and now we have this expedition.

I'm kind of tired of American car brands at this point, I seem to be eternally let down and churning through vehicles. I want something safe, reliable and that will drive for decades. With that, the RAV4 seems to hit the mark. It's not a sexy option but I don't really care about that. I've heard it described as a dishwasher on wheels - an appliance, not an exciting driver. That sounds appealing for what I want this vehicle to be.

I guess the reason I'm making this post is to consider whether this is a good idea. I'm not really worried about whether I can afford it (I can), I just don't like spending money and this would be a lot of it. Having said that, it's value seems to be projected to hold up extremely well, just as most Toyotas do, and as you can see from my previous vehicles, I'm not used to that. I want a very long term vehicle but I also want to know that if something in my life changes and I need to get rid of it, it will have decent resale value.

I considered the crv hybrid and the cx-50 hybrid (which has the Toyota drivetrain) but with the crv I felt less happy about extreme long term reliability (newer hybrid system so hasn't been battle tested as much yet) versus the RAV4, and the cx50 is a mazda which doesn't inspire tons of confidence. Maybe they've gotten better but my brothers 2012ish (can't recall exactly) mazda3 was riddled with electrical issues and the center console broke (we think the dealer knew about it and tried a jank repair due to some tape we found) and Mazda wouldn't do anything to fix it (the dealer nor nearby dealers and Mazda customer service themselves).

Anyway, every time I start researching I always come back to the RAV4.

I don't want a 2026 model because I don't buy new models on their first years, plus they look worse than the previous models.

What are your thoughts on the cSUV market?

Edit: I'm in TX so cold isn't an issue 95% of the time as far as hybrid battery issues go

I am planning to use Plaid API and have a spring boot backend but given that I will be storing my financial information (such as whatever the Plaid API needs me to store to use their endpoints as well as just the transactions on my credit and chequing account), the security of the data is obviously crucial. and I think my problem is I don't know what I don't know.

I have a basic idea of what kind of things I need to protect against.

1. WIll have to use Spring security (or whatever is best) for thing like protecting against xss and csrf
2. I need to ensure that the PostgreSQL database is encrypted

but beyond that, I don't know much about the nuances of each type of security and customizations I should be on the look-out for. wonder if there's a trustworthy resource for at least detailing for me the kind of security I need to implement on either the Spring or PostgreSQL side of things?