At the end of our ropes
I’m here to ask the community for help. I know we’re a neurodiverse bunch, so I’ve got good hopes somebody can relate to this.
My son is currently 16 and has always struggled with basic tasks. He’s gone through many tests and trainings when he was elementary school, but executive functions remain a challenge. From previous tests, we know he has an IQ of over 145. Back when he was tested, the psychologist advised to change his school curriculum to get him more engaged. This has partially worked: he’s been having more fun at school and has had some really cool academical achievements. But his struggle with basic day to day tasks and school work remains the same, and keeping focus is by far the most problematic part of it.
With going to middle school came owning a phone and iPad. From day one, these do get his full attention. Me and my son are much alike when it comes to obsessive behavior, so I sometimes feel like I’m looking in the mirror when I see him with his phone. I too can lose myself in a game and binge it in a weekend. But for me, it isn’t 24/7. I can turn it off when it needs to be off. So I’ve always been strict with rules about screen time for him, but these rules have gone out the window in the last 2 years. There has been lying, sneaking and hiding to increase screen time. It has had a negative effect on our family and it’s draining to have to deal with this daily. I think that’s why we’ve somewhat given up on it, it was impossible to keep in check.
In the past 3 years, he has started to really experience the negative impact of his challenges. We’ve attempted to help him plan his days, to plan his school work, to do chores in the house. But nothing seems to stick and he gets frustrated with himself and it is affecting his mood. In an attempt to find out more about what is causing his difficulties with basic tasks, we’ve asked a psychologist to look into AD(H)D. After an assessment, they’ve now come back with their findings. According to them, it cannot be AD(H)D because he can focus on things he likes (a board game was their example). Their rationale is that people with ADHD cannot focus on any task, even if they like them. They are saying it is his IQ, that he’s too bored to focus on basic tasks. According to them, he should force himself to do menial tasks and that we should be there to enforce this with rules and praise. Like we haven’t tried this already without any results. To say that I’m disappointed and furious about this outcome, is an understatement. It leaves us dead in the water and this makes me feel hopeless.
I’m hoping to gain some insights by reading your comments. This attempt might point us in a new direction, because I’m fine if it is something entirely different than ADHD. I just really want him to feel better.
Uh, get a new psychologist would be my advice.
Hyperfocus is a known trait of both ADHD and ADD... I'd know. So would my husband.
Trust me, I can literally spend 8 hours straight playing the sims, foregoing food, water, sleep, anything. But ask me to plan out my grocery shopping and I'll avoid that task like the plague until it's almost too late and I now have to hurry to run to the shops or order food or literally go without dinner. It's happened.
If you hadn't told me you'd had an ADHD assessment already I'd advise an ADHD assessment. But since the one you had didn't say that, my advise would be: Get a second opinion.
Best of luck!
Yep. Same here. I remember playing Starcraft and Warcraft for truly unhealthy sequential hours. Same with the procrastination.
seconded..
Gonna add to the chorus here, but definitely get a second opinion. This truly does scream ADHD to me as someone who had an early life diagnosis. Him being able to focus on things he likes should not disqualify him from having the condition because as another commenter said, I can focus on things im interested for hours straight without breaks. I have played games I like for 12 hours straight before, only taking a few bathroom breaks here and there. Hyperfocusing is a real part of the disability, especially when its to the point of affecting other aspects of your life. Was your psychologist older or been in the field for a long time? ADHD is still often ignored/dimissed by older providers, so maybe try looking for someone a little more recently accredited or something? Either way, best of luck getting this figured out. I feel for you both having lived a similar experience.
Can second this, have done exactly the same.
Absolutely not true.
I have a diagnosis for ADHD-pi (primarily inattentive). The hallmark of inattentive ADHD is the "ability" to hyperfocus, which is sometimes an asset but more often than not it's a handicap. It's what makes me prone to addiction-like behaviours even now that my mental health has been very good for years. When I was young and depressed, it was even worse but even now I have to sometimes set online blockers for myself and use other methods such as only accessing certain forums on desktop/browser, never on my phone.
(I can be quite certain I wasn't misdiagnosed as well because I went through my country's public healthcare system which is extremely stingy about diagnosing people. The process took about a year and involved ruling out all sorts of mental health conditions and personality disorders that may sometimes manifest in similar behaviours.)
I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 40's, due to ubiquitous misinformation regarding ADHD and because I did well in school despite not doing any homework (nobody even realised I wasn't doing it), and because I wasn't hyperactive. I would give anything to have been diagnosed sooner. Like others said as well, definitely get a second opinion.
Oh! Hi!
With the exception of smartphones not existing when I was his age, I was EXACTLY your son. Seriously, DEAD ON with your description of what works and doesn't.
I got As and Fs in school. Was the class interesting? A. Was the homework material interesting? I would have it done in class already without needing to do it at home. Was the class material not interesting to me? F - and forget about doing the homework for those classes. I had no issue at all getting things done if they were interesting to me and had an nigh-impenetrable invisible mental wall for things that didn't interest me. Homework for social studies? My parents would have time set aside for me to sit at the dining room table and work on it, and I would just.... stare at it, unable to DO. I knew I needed to. I didn't want to be a failure or disappoint my parents or flunk out. BUT. I. COULD. NOT. DO.
In fairness, mental health knowledge and definitions / coding has advanced over the years, and this was ~30 years ago for me, so keep that in mind, but I had a diagnosis of ADD (now termed ADHD). I am also high-functioning autism spectrum. Very high IQ for technical subjects / STEM stuff, laughably low EQ (emotional intelligence).
His assessed IQ sounds right around what I remember (though human memory is fallible) - if I recall mine was tested as just a bit north of 140 and I've always been considered genius level.
For a short time I was on Ritalin, and I will say this was effective for me - but ONLY while it was at therapeutic levels in my bloodstream. Once I came down from it I had horrible emotional-crash side-effects and could not tolerate it - but I mention this because IT DID WORK. While it was in my system at effective levels I could do all the things I otherwise could not. I could pay attention to uninteresting classes and get my (boring) homework done.
Pharmacology has come a long way in 30 years and there are better options available, the most commonly known being Adderall - but there are a number of other options.
Your provider says your son cannot possibly have ADHD because he can focus on the interesting stuff? Providers are human beings and can BE WRONG. From what you have described, and my personal DAMN NEAR IDENTICAL experience in combination with being diagnosed with ADD as a kid? I call BS. Get a second opinion from a different provider or practice. Seriously.
Just to add to what people already have been saying. Hyperfocus, is a very specific ADHD trait, the fact that your psychologist doesn't recognize that is a red flag to me.
As others also already said. If something grabs my attention, I can easily focus on it for ours. Often at the detriment of things I actually need to do and in the past my mental health.
How to handle this really differs per person. ADHD much like autism exists on a spectrum (in recent years I have heard say that they might even be overlapping spectra). This means that some things are more pronounced for some people than others. This also influences what sort of approach is effective and helps.
Having a good mental professional (or even an organization) to help in that area can help a ton.
I think the fact that he is able to focus on things he enjoys is a really good sign in that he's fully capable of getting through this. Maybe working together on some chores at the same time for awhile could help him view them as important social time instead of only something tedious that gets pushed out of mind.