What is weighing heavily on you this week?
Numerous studies have shown that talking about the things going on in our life is beneficial for our mental health, but sometimes it’s hard to speak about them with the people in our lives.
So, share with us strangers. We may not be able to fix it for you, but maybe you can leave some of the burden you’re carrying in these comments and walk away a little lighter. I’ll start!
I saw that new “Aged” filter on Tik Tok this week and thought I’d give it a try. The moment my camera opened, I was looking at the spitting image of the deceased father. I panned my head, raised my eyebrows, smiled, and frowned, so many of my facial mannerisms were exactly the same as my dad’s. As I felt all the emotion of missing my dad well up inside me, watching the camera, I said “Hey boyyy” in the way my father used to say it to me. It broke my heart to see the image of my dad staring back at me and talking to me, I miss him so much.
I lost my dad 7 years ago now, and each year I can feel little details of him slip further away. The shirts I kept of his are sealed in bags so I can open them and smell him again, but ziplock can only do so much, the scent is all but gone. I can feel little details about him that I knew so well slip away as time passes. The way the skin of his hands felt when I held hands with him. The feeling of his back when I would give him big bear hugs. The comforting details slip further out of reach as I dive deeper into adulthood on my own, without my dad to help me. So the fact that I could open this app and look at a live image of my dad, embodied in me, both breaks my heart and fills it in a strange way.
Thank you so much for the heartfelt share. Grief is a long, unfolding process, and hearing what you have to say about it assures me that you’re doing it right. You’re feeling it. So many, I feel, just cope until they can eventually shut it out of their mind. Feeling it fully is a greater challenge, but far more rewarding for the soul.
What’s weighing on me? Climate apocalypse. The American white Christian Taliban growing up around me. Witnessing the extreme ignorance of people who don’t think any of it is a problem. My wife and I have chosen to never procreate, and while I’m at peace with that choice, it leaves me with a feeling of “what’s next as the world enshittifies around me?” Work? Buy things? Wife talks about travel, but why? To burn more jet fuel and wave while I pass the slums that global capitalist colonization made? To see the wildlife and beautiful landscapes that are on their way to desolation? Wave goodbye to the polar bears honey. I work with people that are joyously fascist. Their only concern seems to be “people like me must gain, and everyone else must suffer”.
I try to stay in snarky good spirits while I trudge through the 60+ hour work weeks. My wife and our goofy dog and asshole cats nourish my heart. But it’s hard. What horrors will we live to witness.
I agree, people really do avoid their grief. Emotions make many uncomfortable, because they don’t like the loss of control or they don’t know how they’ll stop feeling if they let any come out. It’s that classic issue that avoidance creates, you avoid and it piles up, so you must avoid even more, because it’s all too much. It sounds weird to say, but I really do love my feelings. My wife and I laugh about how we’ll sometimes seek out media that will make us cry, because we can use it as a piggyback to outlet emotions around other stuff.
You and your wife sound like you’re living a parallel life to myself and mine. I get it, I honestly do. My wife and I grew up in church, met each other in church, built our marriage around our faith, and in 2016 we began taking body blow after body blow inside our community. People we’d looked up to for our entire lives were supporting and espousing things that stood in stark contrast to the beliefs we knew they held. We dug deeper into our faith with our questions and found so much manipulation, whether intentional or just human nature, and our long process of deconstructing our faith to really figure out what it was that we believed. How could we not care about the environment, this one planet we have? How could we support politicians who blatantly lied, were blatantly corrupt, just because they claimed the same God as us? How could we point our finger and shake our head at people living in poverty and talk to them about their bootstraps when we could trace back the history of systems that crushed them under a boot? We felt like every fiber of our faith cried out for us to behave and react to our world in the opposite way our friends/family/institutions were. We just didn’t even recognize our surroundings anymore.
We are millennials and slipped into our own home right before the market exploded, after years of waiting to make our dream salaries, then once we had them life became unbelievably expensive. It was like none of that money even mattered. We just feel crushed under the weight of greed in this world and all we want is to carve out a humble life for ourselves. But as corporations try and extract every bit of profit they can, damn the cost, we see our world burning to the ground. We don’t even get to enjoy it without being confronted with the massive question mark of “When will this all die?” It’s scary to live in the face of all that.
No kids for us, we have numerous genetic medical issues that we don’t want to pass on to kids, we can’t imagine bringing them into a world that’s falling apart like this, and we just know we don’t truly want them and it would be cruel to have them just because “It’s what we’re supposed to do.”
Keep your head up, keep trying to do your best, I think it’s intentional thought and action like this that will slowly veer the world in a better direction, even if it’s only for a little bit before it all burns down xD
You sound like a wonderful pair. Thanks for the heartfelt responses, everyone in the thread so far has reminded me why I keep poking my head back in this site from time to time.
Very much on a similar page. A world that doesn't feel worth living in is a confusing one. Although I don't want children now, I've considered fostering/adopting one day. I don't need to bring anyone into this world, but I'll try to help the children that are already here.
I think either the world will end or socialism will prevail. The system as is just is not sustainable. It's only a matter of time before it breaks.
Sorry about your 60+ hours :( I complained loudly when they kept me over a minute. I'm not built for success lol. Being in snarky good spirits is about the best one can do to deal with this planet.
I’m of the mind that not even the most well meaning socialism can't save us now. Maybe there’s something comforting about losing all hope? Because now it’s like, fuck it, I’ll buy some nice watches and games and maybe a little sports car and just enjoy the amenities my trade can afford me. It seems empty, but little thrills seem to feel good, so I’ll take more of those please.
Honestly the 60 hours swinging the crane around are some of the best hours of my life in that regard. Lots of little thrills every day, in between gritting my teeth in the sketchy moments.
I found this comment somewhat relieving: https://tildes.net/~talk/185n/where_do_you_stand_on_climate_change#comment-9l1f
Maybe it can help you too. But doomerism is definitely not a way forward, don’t fall into that trap.
Thanks. I can somewhat agree with a lot of things that are said there. But another comment in that thread mentions what I’m actually concerned about. Sure, I’m going to experience some shitty weather in my lifetime, but I doubt I’ll still be around for any actual apocalyptic stages of climate change. But, within that slow steady march of warming, mankind is likely going to do what it has historically done. War. Famine. Breakdown of social order (which isn’t entirely undesirable if the standing social order sucks). I saw how the right went batshit crazy during Covid. Somehow I don’t see our species handling even the early stages of climate crisis very gracefully.
Sure, that’s a tad doomeristic, but I’m not letting it fully taint my life experience. All we can do is keep trying to be kind and decent leave shit a little better than we found it yeah?
I can 100% stand behind your last sentence!
My wife and I are also unwilling to have our own children but believe we should foster at some point. But as life keeps getting more and more expensive, we don’t even know how we could afford to do that.
I'd like to comment on the travel part of what you said. I dunno where exactly you live or what your situation is but cycle touring is a great way to see the world around you. Or just slow travel in general. I have also decided that I don't really want to fly anymore but obviously if you need to cross continents then its the only way but the rest of the time I'm gonna actively slow travel and try and experience what's in between the places we go to.
I hope that makes sense.
Yeah, I’m actually pretty into bicycles, but I’m also middle aged and out of shape and enjoy comfort. I’ve gotten soft. I don’t think my wife is looking for that level of excitement either. Good suggestion though!
Yes to all those things. Why not? Enjoy the world while you have the chance. Don't you want to see the beautiful landscapes before they go desolate? Go and say goodbye to the polar bears!
Like, yeah, I probably will, mostly for her sake. And I’m sure I’ll find things I enjoy along the way. I don’t know. I’m fairly well traveled already and it just kinda feels like a hollow pursuit. Thanks for enabling me though :)
I found out that one of my closest friends attempted suicide about a week ago. I talk to him pretty often, and yet he hid his struggles from me. I grew concerned when he wasn’t replying to texts or answering his phone.
I’m struggling with how to feel. A part of me wonders why he didn’t feel like he could tell me what he was going through. Another part of me wonders if he was telling me in a not so direct way, and I just wasn’t picking up on it. I just feel like I should have done a better job of being there for him. We have known each other for almost a decade and I would be devastated if he was gone.
He is getting the help that he needs now.
My wife’s grandmother also died two days ago, which has also been a huge blow for the family. It’s been a rough week.
There is a good chance for either, but regardless, I want to tell you that it's extremely vulnerable to tell someone you're struggling with suicidal thoughts. Many people don't know how to react to it, and it's still a very stigmatized topic, unfortunately.
It's a huge gamble for someone to say so. It's natural for you, as well, to be wondering if you could have done something different. It's a very regular occurrence when someone close attempts or even succeeds with suicide.
There is a good chance you actually already prevented an attempt a few times without knowing. Purely by being there for him in a normal way. That kind of connection in and of itself is of immeasurable value for someone in such a dark place.
You may be interested in this video from Brené Brown on empathy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw It's short, but gets the spirit of talking rather well. You may already have experience with this sort of thing, but I still felt like it should be shared here.
It sounds like you're carrying a burden of guilt for not perceiving your friend's despair. When you say you're struggling with how to feel, it may be that you know intellectually that the signs really weren't apparent, or that you saw hints of your friend's state only in retrospect. You may even be trying to suppress feelings of anger and betrayal that someone you cared for didn't trust you back.
Emotions like guilt, grieving, and resentment are only tangentially susceptible to reasoning. You have to feel first, then explain the "why" to yourself. It's not easy, but let go of the "struggle" part. Try accepting whatever feelings come up about your friend, without looking for what you should have done differently, or finding ways to blame yourself for inadequate caring.
The fact is, people who are depressed are often masters of masquerade. They'll keep on going through the motions of normal life because they're terrified of burdening others, they're irrationally convinced that their dark emotions are contagious or that they're uniquely shameful and evil. A suicide attempt is an impulsive act that is comprehensible only in the context of the extreme mental isolation that people who are depressed can create for themselves.
It's understandable that you'd have even more difficulty right now when you're trying process your feelings about your friend's self-harm and be a support to your wife. Try to be gentle with yourself - you don't have to fix everything immediately. You can take time for self-care, to do small things that give you comfort. It's not a matter of selfishness, you're maintaining your emotional strength and the compassion to be there for other people.
I hope you'll find the peace and learning that will sustain you through this time.
That’s devastating, but I’m glad it’s the lesser of the two devastating outcomes. I hope you get some time to assure him you’re there for him and ask how you can show up better for him. Don’t be too hard on yourself, sometimes mental health really does just be a bitch and keep the people suffering from being able to reach out for help. I know you want to help him, but don’t forget that his mental health is his own burden and you can’t carry it for him but you can be supportive.
Sheesh, the drive-by of losing a close friend and the realized loss of a family member, that’s heavy. Don’t try and hold it in or muscle through, seek help from friends/family or professionals. You’ll be ok, all of this passes with time as long as you don’t stuff it down.
Don’t tear yourself over it, it’s an absolutely shitty situation to be in. Sometimes a suicide (attempt) is just as hard on people around, so do seek out help if you need yourself.
Just do your best and visit/continue to be good friends with him! That’s also part of the help he need!
I have a not-dissimilar experience that happens yearly: there's an arts-and-crafts event every year where a group of my friends make a big splashy banner for lunar new year. I'm always tapped to do the x-acto blade work because I'm good at it.
The reason I'm good at it is that I grew up in a family that worked in commercial art and desktop publishing - I used wax rollers, Letraset and Pantone markers for my school projects. My father was an absolute wizard at making whatever was laying around into something beautiful.
Fast forward a couple of decades. I'm a career technologist, but I've just been handed a straightedge and a knife so sharp you wouldn't feel it if it cut you... not right away.
I take the tools and I start to do what I remember my father doing. It comes naturally somehow. Using the fingers of one hand to pin the paper and the tool, and the pinky of the knife-hand as an anchor for stability.
And then it hits me. My hands look just like his. They're the same shape, same wrinkles, same hair on the back... and for fifteen minutes, it's like I have him back, and we're doing one of our projects together.
EDIT: Forgot to answer the original question. I have a former employer that is playing "silly bugger" with their contractual obligations, and hoping I don't notice. I hate dealing with lawyers - it stresses me out.
I broke my arm on Monday, and I've been needing a lot of help with things while I recover. I guess I've always been used to relying on others for financial help, but I've always tried to repay that with physical help. Now that I need physical help, it really hit me yesterday how much my friends and family actually mean to me.
My siblings and I were supposed to play Until Dawn on Monday, and a visit to the hospital killed that plan. Tuesday, my younger brother was busy for most of the day, and my older brother worked late. I asked if they were still down to play that night, expecting them to say no; instead, I got two hell yeahs. Idunno why, but the relief of knowing that my fuckup didn't totally ruin the plan, and we were all still gonna be able to hang out this week hit me hard. I think that alone set the tone of my recovery arc. I've been in good spirits ever since.
It isn't really sad, but these are the heaviest feelings I've felt since this decade began.
Glad to hear you got to spend time with your brothers! Did you break your dominant arm or non-dominant arm? I'm right handed and broke my right elbow when I was 15. What an absolutely huge pain in the butt lol. Learning to write left handed and such. I got pretty proficient at writing with my left hand and using my left hand to browse the computer and whatnot. But that's long since passed and if you don't use it, you lose it.
Dominant... I'm quickly learning that the world is not designed for left-handers, and super not designed for people with one arm. Thankfully I have the internet, it's a fantastic resource for finding out how people in unique circumstances live. I wish I hadn't broken that fall with my arm (and vice versa), but this experience has at least shown me how blessed I am, and how much worse off I could be.
You're taking the right approach! Wishing you a quick recovery :)
I was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. Next week I get a port put in. The following week I start chemo. Then eventually radiation. Then eventually surgery.
I go back and forth between being totally fine and completely terrified. I’m young, and it was caught relatively early. So the odds are good for me. But you never know with cancer. The “what if”s get under my skin sometimes.
Wow, I'm so sorry you got such devastating news. I imagine what it would be like to go through something like that, but I know it's probably utter absurdity in contrast to what it's really like. I hope your treatment works quickly, effectively, and with minimal side effects.
Best wishes. Having caught it early helps your odds. I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer more than a decade ago. They removed my thyroid but I have been fine until this year. This upcoming week I have surgery to remove a lump on my neck that might or might not be problematic. They will have a pathologist on standby and depending on findings, they might also remove lymph nodes in the same operation.
Cancer infusion nurses are in my experience very kind. Sometimes there are therapy dogs which is nice. There is a cancer support subreddit that is a nice island of sanity and helpfulness in that other site.
My brother in law is currently going through the same. I'm very glad I was able to be there with him and my sister in the beginning and help out with all the appointments and care and relieve stress. It's very rough and life is gonna be tough, but my brother in law has had at least two terminal diagnoses now and he's still doing very strong, it's a tricky bastard of a cancer.
I wish you the very best, and I’m sure you can recover fully! If you ever need to vent to a stranger, feel free to PM me.
Decided to re-write my comment.
I wanted to thank you for sharing as well buddy. It's not easy to share grief.
It's the thing I'm going through in a big way still. I lost my Brother (From another mother) four years ago in a motorcycle accident. He and I grew up together, we were thick as thieves and everyone described us as family. We had each others backs our entire life, girls, fights, successes and failures. I'd told him the May of 2019 that I was getting married, he was to be my best man and I direly wanted his speech, because he was a bit awkward doing that. August 2019 he went out on his bike and just didn't come home.
My life froze. I remember sitting outside the pub as his sister told me what had happened. I just sat there for ... however long and felt nothing. I knew the pain was there, it was just a matter of time.
My fiancee, now wife came and made sure I was okay as she was out elsewhere. Friends I hadn't seen in two years suddenly got the "Guys, I have some really awful news..." from me. I remember that night, crystal clear, despite the amount of booze in my system.
It's four years later for me. But my heart stays on that night. I've quit drinking, I've gotten better in shape, I got through Covid by working, I started my own company... but I miss more Brother so much every single day. I sit in business meetings and talk about architectural, financials, code repos and my brain just goes "Man, none of this matters..." or "What the fuck? Do these people seriously enjoy this?" and I'm slowly burning out from tech and business.
I'm retraining to become a counsellor (my brother always said I was great at helping people), but I'm two years off certifying... so I've got 24 months of <this> mentality to get through. I'll be 37 at that point.
I'm just exhuasted. My grief has made me jaded, resentful and cold to a lot of people, there's not a lot I can do about that. My wife says she sees the mask of cheer slip sometimes and sees the pain, and that breaks my heart. Four years ago I was a happy go lucky guy, I had my friends, family, brother, bikes you name it... but now? I've got some of those things, but not the important ones.
I've had to cut family off. I've had to live with the grief of my brothers. I've lived through Covid, running a business.
Three months ago I spent a month in Australia and I have never felt so at home.
I'm just done with a lot of what the world expects of me.
Wow, even reading your message I can feel the pain through the words, I'm so sorry. The way this universe can snuff out people we love with indifferent chance can be so destabilizing. It sounds like you're pretty shackled by this hurt, it's taken such a toll that you can almost step back and view it all like a bystandard. Grief is commonly spoken about like it's something that is guaranteed to pass and life will move on, but I think it's important that we acknowledge that sometimes people don't move on. Sometimes life just stops and never continues for people who experience immense loss. I hope you don't want that, for life to just stop in 2019 and for everything after to be bland and tasteless, I am sure you know your brother wouldn't want that for you at all.
When I'm struggling with something, I tend to set mental timers on it and if the timer buzzes and I haven't made any progress, I consider eliciting outside help, because there may be a reason I'm stuck. I think it might be really helpful to get some expert help to figure out how to find that shine on life again, maybe they'll be able to help you find a new perspective that reinvigorates your life? After all, when we notice our car is running poorly, we take it in to an expert, why not take our brains in when they do the same? Hang in there friend.
Hey man, thanks.
It varies from day to day. I think what sets it off a lot is that I can't solicit my brothers advice on anything. He always knew what to say, he always had a remark that made sense.
I've had a lot of upheaval through Covid and facing down the barrel of a career change (as well as other things) makes me remember that he's not around anymore.
I live my life as much as I can. I just miss him every day. I don't think that will ever change.
I'm sorry about your dad. Although my dad is still alive and I love him dearly, my papaw died about 5 years ago and he was a 2nd father. I think about him all the time. I dream about him a lot. I don't mind it, it's nice to see him. Someone in my family has video/voice recording of him. I can't bring myself to listen to it. Just typing this and thinking of voice made me cry right this moment.
I used to not have problems with this, but lately I can't get my friends and family and our eventual end together out of my mind. It's driving me to tears and heartache daily. I'm not religious, so the idea that one day we'll never embrace each other again is driving me irrationally heartbroken. It's the deepest valley of depression I've been in.
Love, service, and fellowship. Taking care of whoever you’re able to. Connecting deeply with people you grow close to. Feeling the wonder and mystery of the fact that we are meat, yet self aware, on a little rock hurtling through space. It’s the only meaning of life I think we’re ever going to get. The heartache is part of the trip. Embrace it, but reach out for help if you need it.
It’s so tough to let those emotions flow out however they need to, but I really do believe it helps us manage them. I said in a higher comment that my wife and I will sometimes just seek out media that will elicit a deep emotional response, just because it alleviates some of the pressure inside. You can also use it as a means to piggyback bigger emotions and get some relief from the pressure that holding them in causes.
I’m sorry for your loss, it’s hard to figure out how to move forward in life when you have these gaps where people of significance used to hold space.
The crushing feeling that my sister is getting everything she wants in life while I'm floundering. We've always been super close but this last year has just sucked for me while she's buying a second house, working her dream job, dating a rich guy. She's always been my best friend but it's really hard not to be jealous. I've decided to limit contact with her for a while so I don't say or do anything to hurt her.
There is no way to stop global warming, there is no way to survive global warming. We're all fucked. That has been weighing on me a little bit.
Focus on the important things that you can change to improve yourself and the environment around you.
Try to see the best in people and the good that they do. The positive actions that many are attempting to try lessen the impact of climate change.
Humans have weathered many catastrophic events and survived, life will find a way.
Optimism is a more enjoyable lens through which to observe the future.
This is what led me to turning my back yard into a native garden. It’s something tangible and close by all the time. Seeing the bugs and animals that weren’t there before helps me cope a little better with the reality of climate change and rampant ecological destruction. It’s not perfect but it’s hard not to smile when I find a young mantis or a cool spider.
Creating a small sanctuary for the insects and small critters trapped in our urbanised wastelands.
Even if I bring my personal carbon emissions to zero -- Sean Hannity and Putin are still going to pollute and their ilk are still going to cause the global environment collapse.
Why would I forget about or ignore those people? I'd rather rage against them.
Carbon emissions and the like are difficult to feel a reward for the efforts spent.
Focus on changes that you can see and appreciate. eg, keep your local parks and streets clean and tidy by picking up any litter you find.
Or I could do drugs? I hear tell that some drugs give a reward.
Anyways, nah. I'd rather wallow in the most real reality that I can. People are destroying planet earth and we are not going to stop anytime soon.
Then I will refer to what I said above,
Sorry if my thread hasn't helped :(
However, there is some optimism in there, so I can say it's worthy of a read.
Just hoping for company as misery does love company.
Hi, I don't know if you're into sewing or know anybody who is, but my wife is and she has had a few friends who have lost their dads; they've given her their dads old shirts and she sews them into pillows so they can just kinda have them close and hug them when needed. Maybe not up your alley since the smells do fade, but it's something I'd not heard of before and thought it sounded really nice to help remember somebody by so thought I'd pass it along.
That's a great idea. Now that the smells have all but faded, I was thinking about cutting the logo off his favorite and tacking it in a tasteful shadow box by pins.
I'm going to have to have our dog euthanized this week. He's an 11 year old German Shepherd diagnosed with Degenerative Myelopathy, which is an incurable disease that affects the spinal cord, and results in eventual paralysis in their hind end. When the vit initial diagnosed him, they said typical lifespan was 6-12 months. We've been very fortunate that his has progressed more slowly, and it's been about 18 months since he was diagnosed. But it's gotten to the point that he can't get up unassisted anymore, and the vet says that he is showing both hip and back pain. We've all agreed that it's time.
It's so difficult because he still seems overall happy while he's laying down. He chews on bones and loves to get pets. But it just isn't fair to him to painfully struggle to get up, go outside and use the bathroom (he's also developed incontinence issues) while also being maxed out on pain meds.
This is actually the first dog I've had where we're going to euthanize him with some notice. All of my previous dogs have been sudden or unexpected incidents with little preparation. We're going to use a home service, so that he can go at home in his own bed with us by his side. We've been spending tons of 1-on-1 time with him. I'm going to prepare him a nice steak as his last meal, and let him have some ice cream and other "junk" foods. Since he can't make it up the stairs to our bedroom anymore, I'm sleeping with him downstairs. It will be the absolute best that we can do for him, we owe it to him to make his last moments peaceful after everything he's given us.
I'm so sorry! : ( Such a hard choice to have to make.
I faced this about a year and a half ago with this guy. https://i.imgur.com/nbfSoVk.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/ZAyu9Kn.jpg
He was 13 and the strength of his back legs or maybe his back suddenly failed him. If he tried to walk, he was in incredible pain. We also had a euthanasia veteranarian come to our place.
So sorry to hear about your boy as well :( He was a handsome fellow! 13 year is a good run, but no amount of time with them seems like enough. I'm glad you were also able to do it at home.
We had to do it yesterday after his condition deteriorated rapidly. Having a vet come to our place instead of trying to load him into a car and take him to a scary vet office was the best thing, given the circumstances. It was nice for him to be in his favorite bed and spot, surrounded by us and our other dog as he passed. The house feels so empty without him though :(
Yes, that loss hurt intensely for a while, now more gently and merged with appreciation for the life we had together. They don't live long enough.
I'm glad your guy was able to be comfortable in a familiar setting at the end. So sorry for your loss.
One of the other teams at my job had someone leave. They posted internal for it. Per the posted job description, it was everything I already do.
I didn't get it. They chose someone (also internal) who had some scripting experience they didn't want to do.
I work with this team pretty closely and do a fair amount of things for them that make their lives easier. I get the logic of why they made that choice, but I'm having difficulty not taking this personal. I'm aware this is a me problem and I'm trying to work through it, but it aint easy.
That sucks, it's hard for me to lose a job opportunity because I start imagining how my life will shift or what trajectory that new job will take me on and then when it doesn't work out I both have to wrestle with the perceived or all too real rejection AND the loss of dreams.
Yeah, like I said I'm in my feelings. Thankfully, I pregamed the sad portion the weekend after the interview so only rage is left. lol
One possibility to consider is that you might be more valuable to the overall structure in your current position. I had a recent situation where an almost-rockstar candidate was a near perfect fit for an opening, but I didn't move her into the position because she was also doing an exceptional job with her current duties. So I opted to find external talent to fill the position and keep said rockstar where she was. It wasn't anything negative about her performance or personality, I just thought that it would be easier to find talent to fill the open position rather than find talent to replace her in her current position. I hope that makes sense.
If this is something that does bother you, you should bring it up with your manager. The fact that you feel slighted is something that I would want to know about, so that I could provide you the context that I used to make my decision.
I've expressed some of my displeasure to my super (who was not the hiring super). At some point in the future, once I've gotten over myself, I will bring it up to the hiring super. Again, I get his reasoning on why he hired the other person. Just need to work through my shit.
You example (keeping someone in a role despite them applying to move up) raises my hackles a lot. At my last job, I was management and it was my job so make sure my employees get what they need to succeed, even if that means them leaving my team.
I hired someone who had never done IT (had two biology degrees and worked with monkeys in South America). She was, like you said, a rockstar. She picked things up quickly, was great with users, and wanted to learn. After a while, a position was going to be open on the programming side of the house and she told me she wanted to go for it. I did everything I could to help. She changed teams just before I moved to my current employer and my old boss has nothing but great things to say.
Your house, your rules and all.
But if I was your employee and found out that you keep me in a position because you wanted to make your life easier, I would IMMEDIATELY be looking for something else.
Im with you on this. I want so badly to repond to the original poster but I dont want to breed an argumentitive atmosphere here by dogpiling on them.
It strikes me as cowardly and disrespectful to overlook great workers because they're great.
Lack of reward and lack of fairness cam both contribute to developing burnout.
Overlooking amazing workers will cause them to leave for elsewhere, crash and burn, or eventually learn to become mediocre. Who wants that?
I just learned Friday that my job as a lab technician at a research lab is coming to an end by the end of the year. The grant that supports my salary runs out at the end of the year. I'm not that great at interviews and have a bit of anxiety with job searching. I need to update my resume and I've been putting it off because I feel like a failure.
I feel you. I am also not great at interviews. In the past year I joined a Toastmasters Group to try to get better at answering extemporaneous questions. I don't know whether my interview skills have improved at all but I made a few friends.
I've been looking for full time work, on and off, for quite awhile now. I work as an independent contractor and while I love the freedom, I need a company to cover insurance for me for awhile and maybe I'm just done with this particular career. But wow has job hunting, in my past, been excruciating. I'm sorry you've gotta play that game and put yourself out there again. Good luck!
https://www.askamanager.org/
This site has so much amazing resources for resumes, cover letters and interviews.
Good luck!
That's something I'm struggling with as well. It's hard to "show off" something I don't personally feel proud off.
I got many useful tips from the book knockemdead resumes although the advice is tailored to the US job market.
Thanks for the recommendation. I’ll have a look at it, although I’m not in the US :)
I'm kind of struggling to keep it together. I've gotten better and can do work at my pc. I've also stopped crying all day, but I do constantly feel like I'm about to.
I posted a thread here about brain zaps and it helped reassure me a lot. But now I'm not sure if I should change my psychiatrist. I'm pretty sure I should but I keep thinking I'm wrong.
I don't even know how to go about doing it. I'm using the public system and I can't choose my psychiatrist if I do that. I could go private but I can't afford it. I'm not American.
I've discovered that closing my eyes keeps the zaps at bay so I've be going around the house with my eyes closed for fun. Haha.
Terrible thing is, my uncle is dying soon. He has cancer and is in critical care. The funeral should be soon. I am not close to this uncle. I've not seen him in years. No drama. We just don't see each other.
My siblings are understanding and told me to not got to the hospital because I'm unwell. I feel like not going to the funeral either because I'll break down for sure with all the zaps and people around me. My mother also died from cancer and I've got some unresolved things from that too so I'm just going to be bawling and not for my uncle.
But my extended family might get offended if I don't turn up for the funeral. So I'm not sure what to do.
This really sounds rough, I'm so sorry you're going through all that. I also battle with chronic health issues and they take such a toll on your mental health. I hope you are able to make space for yourself, I know it's hard to justify it to the people around you that don't get it, but you have every right. Hang in there!
Maybe you should get MRI of your head and spine?
I am starting a new career this week. I just got my real estate license, and I’m also getting my bachelor’s/masters in computer science. I saw the starting salaries for IT, because I dreamed of being a sys admin, but the money I’d make the first 3-5 years is slightly less than I make making sandwiches at a gas station convenience store. I’ve been disillusioned with the comp sci field and decided to go for something more volatile than stable. I guess what’s weighing on me is finding the confidence that I’ll be able to make a great living and that im not squandering my education. I do plan to revisit comp sci in some regard later but right now Im 30 and I can’t make less than $50k this year if I want to live comfortably without a struggle.
How much my daughter will be burdened by student loans. We have never been in a financial spot to be able to help with tuition, and now we are in that area of 'we make too much salary for financial aid, but the financial aid doesn't take into account the years of consumer debt we now have to crawl out from under.'
She's been a straight A student since pre-K, finished in the top 10% of her class at what is arguably the #2 public school in the state, and has knocked out enough AP and dual credit classes already to be classified as a 4th semester college student before her freshman year starts in a month...
But, perhaps naively, we misjudged how much merit scholarships would materialize (answer: none), and I really, really feel for her knowing that she's about to sign up for 20+ years of pain to pursue her dreams, and currently there's not much I can do about it.
It also really doesn't help that grandma has the full tuition amount several times over just sitting in an account, but won't use it to help "because it wouldn't be fair to the other grandchildren".
So, so sorry about your dad. I lost my mom about 10 years ago and I know exactly what you mean about time having a way of makings things you once knew so well just slip away. I stumbled upon a video this week that my sister recorded of my dad before my mom was even diagnosed with cancer. I could hear her in the background making jokes. I had almost forgotten about her type of humor, so hearing her voice and her jokes filled me with so much emotion. I hope you have videos or audio recordings of your dad to do the same for you.
To answer your question though, I made a dumb (but relatively small) mistake at work. When I did it, I had had the thought that it was wrong but I didn’t tug on that thought long enough. The code got reviewed by several people spanning multiple teams, no one caught it until much later when a junior person caught it. For some reason my mind can’t get off of it and I’m struggling to own up to it even though it was a stupid thing. It’s a small thing, but it’s been weighing me down for a few days and won’t get off my mind. My anxiety has been high this week for some unknown reason and is likely the cause.
Thank you, sorry for yours as well. I am very lucky that a few years before my dad died he gave all of us DVD library's of all the family videos he had. When I came back home to prepare for his funeral with my sisters, I would stay up late after everyone went to sleep and I would comb over the footage, crying my eyes out, soaking up all the memories and seeing my dad in a way I never had up until then. But I wasn't just torturing myself with grief, I actually made it into a memorial video that we played at his funeral. I have edited videos for fun all my adult life and it was very cathartic. When I began editing I was initially upset that there was basically no footage of him, because he was always behind the camera. But then I realized that my dad would never have wanted to watch a video of himself, he would have wanted to watch a video of his family he loved so dearly. So it's all footage of our family in our happiest times. Creating played a major role in my grief, it really healed me.
I'm sorry you're feeling especially tortured by that mistake. It's hard to have mistakes laid bare by co-workers, not to mention how hard we can be on ourselves sometimes - not extending the compassion to ourselves that we'd probably have on someone else's mistake. I so often have to remind myself that the old adage about "No one thinking about you as much as you think they do" really extends into stuff like this. Even when I do something stupid at work, I have to realize no one I work with thinks about my mistakes like I do. There's a big difference between being a constant drain on a team and just making the occasional mistake, no one remembers the latter, or at least I don't.
Man, that sounds like a tough thing to deal with.
I know it's a very different note, but I'm right now spending time with my family after living away for 11 years. It's been such a great time but also realising how exhausting it can be to spend so much time with family. It's so odd how people can grow so different and distant in so many ways. I'm just so thankful that me and my mum can still be close like we always were. She's getting older and I can't even imagine how that loss will hit me...
Just a lot of thoughts going through my head about family right now.
My closest friend of over a decade stopped talking to me a year ago with little to no explanation other than, "our lives have grown in different directions."
I live on the road most of the year and only got to see her a few times every summer. She deals with a lot of anxiety and depression and hates to be on the phone so talking had become increasingly more difficult.
After her deciding to "break up" I've come to face the fact that much of our closeness was based on trauma bonding, and working through mental health issues. In the last so many years she's shut down more and more of my attempts to share things I'm struggling with, like my dads disability, my aging grandmother, and my sibling causing a lot of emotional damage to my family, in addition to not wanting to hear about things I'm succeeding with, like starting to homestead and reaching higher levels in my artistic development. While refusing to let me share, literally saying, "I don't want to talk about that" I had continued to let her work through her own stuff with me.
I would have let that go on indefinitely, but because I pushed too hard for better communication when I'm on the road she decided she was done.
Now a year later I have continued to build closer and healthier relationships with others, not based on being stuck and depressed but rather based on creativity and genuine connection. I have a lot of friends, some very close, and a good spouse who's grown with me and has built an incredible life with me.
That brings us to two days ago when my friend reached out to me and asked if we could meet up. I won't be in her city for another month but I agreed to get coffee with her then. She was so weird via text saying she misses me and she doesn't want to have to wait and a lot of "hahahaha's" "just being cute." It all makes me feel weird and I don't even know how to approach it or think about it. Generally speaking I'm relatively good at identifying and channeling my emotions, but this latest development has left me just feeling odd and uncertain. So coffee in a month and I don't even know how I will feel walking into it.
My big stressor right now is that my job hunting is going well. I am past the second round for two different positions and think there is a decent chance I get both offers, but I am struggling hard with imposter syndrome and confidence problems. I am also extremely stressed about handling a potential double offer and negotiating pay. Both positions are technically career shifts for me, but one is far more of a leap from what I am doing now and it has set me at a cross roads about changing fields. I am now also being presented with the question of my long term career goals because I had never thought I would even have success at this stage. It’s been triggering my anxiety intensely but I feel like it’s hard to vent about or talk about because objectively I am in a good position and I can’t stand the impression that I come across as bragging or arrogant. I just want to hide under a rock.
Maybe hire a short term therapist if you need to talk it out? Or journaling? Best of luck. Everyone starts as a beginner.
I'm at a crossroads. I was diagnosed bipolar about 3 years ago now. And since then I have been on a constantly changing medication routine with adding this and taking away that while upping those. And I'm so tired of it all. I want to feel "normal" again but I'm coming to terms with that never being an option. Besides the whole "there isn't actually a 'normal'".
And the worst part of it all? I do not like the man I have become. I am bitter and angry and selfish and everything I hate in people. I've been doing damage control with friends I keep in close contact with. But I've started to distance myself from them Incase I say or do something stupid. I already did something that if I was on the opposite side of that joke I'd be extremely upset. And I'm upset at myself for ever thinking that was ok.
I look at my dad and see how I used to be. Loving, caring, kind, and considerate. And every day I look in the mirror I see myself straying further and further away from who I wanted to be.
I think, on a smaller scale and for different reasons, I can somewhat commiserate with the feeling of taking on attributes and attitudes I never wanted to.
For me, I feel like Im becoming jaded and even a bit bitter as I get older and experience/see the difficulties and inequities that I and others face.
I think it's commendable you have the self awareness to recognize the patterns in yourself you dont like. It's cliche, but I do believe it's a good step toward personal growth and change.
For myself, Ive not been able to wholy let my feelings go, but I am learning to minimize how much they intrude in my life and impact my relationships with others, and Ive been able to refocus on the little things that positively counterbalance my negative perspectives.
Im sorry I dont have specific advice, but I wanted to share in the hope that you get something out of it. I hope you're able to find small steps that help take you in the direction of the person you want to be, and I hope you're not too hard on yourself in that process. Life's tough enough as it is without us being out own enemies.
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I'm sorry you have to go through something similar, but it does help that I'm not completely alone in thinking this about myself. I hope that you can break though this issue for yourself as well. And you have also given me something to work towards.
I've been in therapy which has both helped, and and not really helped. I am working hard to try and change, so i hope I can overcome this.
And I definitely think I'm being harder on myself. But I've always been my own worst enemy. Therapy can hopefully help.
And You honestly helped a ton, and like I said I appreciate you taking the time to give me such a detailed response, I appreciate everything you said. And I appreciate the positive attitude you have brought to this Convo.
Thank you for your kind words.
I've also been in therapy. I know what you mean, it's not a silver bullet. But for me at least, I really click with my therapist, and its helping me recognize my patterns, providing me with guidance, and frankly sometimes is just a space I can vent without harming my relationships!
All the best :)
I had a friend over yesterday to move some stuff around in preparation of planned renovation works. Admittedly I had not gotten around to cleaning around the house for a while. Over drinks they gently insisted I hire help for weekly cleaning. I am mortified. I know they are right and I am super embarrassed that it had to come to this. Having other peope noticing and telling me to clean up my act.
There's some heavy stuff in this thread, and my heart goes out to all of you. In comparison, what I struggle pales in magnitude.
In short, I feel stuck in a masters program, and it feels like I'm wasting my time - especially because I don't see myself succeeding in an academic context. I'm looking for an out, but "putting myself out there" is daunting.
My job, I did an intra-company transfer from professional services into product team around 6 months ago and I'm absolutely hating it. Didn't expect how broken our product processes are, everything moves at a snail pace around here.
Looking for a way back, or outside, prepping for interviews. I have been with this company for almost 8 years now, so I'm understandably rusty, but I've realized how stuck I got with my career ever since moving countries and kind of holding on to familiar tasks.
We'll see what comes out of it, worst case I think I'll just take a sabbatical and focus on prep and my language skills.
I am taking the bar exam next week. This is my third time taking it. I already have a lot of emotions about being a retaker because it makes me feel dumb and like a failure. But it’s also stressful because I know I can’t keep putting my life on hold for a test that costs me hundreds of dollars to take and study for. It impacts not just me but also my wife. She is a lawyer and is good at her job, and I know if I wanted to keep taking the bar exam until I passed she would support me, but it’s not fair to her. This test has had such a massive impact on my mental and physical health, and it has quite frankly made me start to hate the legal profession.
I'm sure your wife has told you this already, but it bears repeating: the bar exam does not reflect your competency to practice law. It is, at most, an endurance test designed to discourage attorneys from moving from one state to another freely.
Remember, to get to the point where you can even sit for the bar means that you earned your JD (and to do THAT, you had to pass the LSAT, which in my opinion, is a much worse test). That feat on its own shows that you are NOT dumb. I have never met someone who went to law school and was precluded from practice because they couldn't pass the bar (albeit it may take a few times to pass). Have patience, try not to stress, and concentrate on the test. The last things you should worry about are 1) cost, 2) intelligence, 3) measuring up to your wife (who among us can actually compete with our better half). Good luck!
I know you’re right, and I know she’s right. It’s just hard to get over the mentality that failing has given me.
My daughter is growing up and doesn't need me as much. I'm so damn proud of her, her growth, her strength, her passion, and her compassion. It doesn't make it any easier though.... I'm happy she's so independent and strong but don't quite know how to balance me wanting to stay an active part of her life while not smothering her. Also trying HARD not to let my anxiety about the whole thing show to her as well. Only love and support.
She is away at a camp she has been wanting to go to ( she had to wait until old enough) for the week and I'm used to seeing her or at least talking to her during the day. My separation anxiety is HIGH.
She is only 10 and I know this is going to only get harder as time goes on so am absolutely up for any advice from parents, or anyone really, who has been through this.
This could be worth it's own post in~talk re parenting imho. Not everyone is going to see this at the bottom of this thread. If you want advice I bet the parents in this community can provide.
Thank you I might just do that.
The whole conversation about midlife crises really hit me and had me in a near anxiety attack for a few nights. I've been doing a lot of reflecting and thinking since then!
I’m glad you were able to go beyond the anxiety and towards self reflection, bravo! I hope you reach a satisfying conclusion
It's weird to me, even a week later. I've always told myself that "I am not afraid of dying" but I think the concept of just how finite everything is really hit me last week. It's got me rethinking some priorities and hopefully becoming more selective with how I choose to spend my time.
Yes. My step-dad has recently had the chance to inherit some really high quality wood working tools. The only problem is that he needs a place to put it. Our garage is full of junk that something needs to be done with. He’s at work all day, and my mother is no going to do much of anything meaningful. So it falls to me to make the space. I have been working out in the heat and making good progress, but there is only so much I can do. A lot of the stuff that needs to be gone is not mine, and that frustrates me to no end. I doubt anyone is ever going to use an old roaster, but have to keep it because someone thinks they will. There’s a wagon that is being used for nothing more than a glorified table with wheels. It will never be used, but have to keep it. There is a tote full of craft supplies that will never be used again. And there is more, it just grates at me because I can’t do anything about it. I just don’t want my step-dad to miss out on this opportunity because he is at work all the time and because my mother won’t do enough.
Stupid, but tough for me - among other things, I have to provide carpenter with a wadrobe draw or project ans I have no idea how to do it and what I want xD it should be so easy, but I don't know why it isn't.
My son.
He will be 2 in a few months, and he's well into the "terrible 2's" phase. But over the last few days he hasn't been himself.
He's been clinging to daycare staff more than usual. His appetite has changed (he's always eaten, even if feeling poorly). It's just not like him to be this bad. Temperature is fine and no one knows what the matter is.
Got in a little trouble at work because I had to disappear to collect him. I can't afford to keep doing that. I hope he's not doing this on purpose to come home earlier than normal.
I can't stop thinking about the world my children are inheriting and how hopeless I feel trying to make it a better place.
The silence is the worst part. You’re expected to just carry on with this giant weight on you and it’s crushing.
Good luck, I hope everything works out in your favor.