55
votes
Small talk, ice breakers, lines
Inspired by the really serious topic what's your line I wonder what "lines" you have for small talk, ice breakers or to just pass some time.
My favourite "line" is:
What do you think about raisins?
or (replying to things like "what do you do for a living?"):
Eh, that's not really interesting, but what do you think about raisins?
I like it because it's quite dumb, but lots of people of all ages have some experience with and opinion about raisins so it is easy to talk about.
And with some luck you get plunged into a heated debate about raisins as candy substitute, raisins in bread or even hot raisins in food!
I always just ask about something they are wearing and/or have on them. I'm sure that's because of my sales background. That's like, sales 101. But it also always works. Anything that gets someone to talk about themselves is usually good.
It works for more than sales. I'm pretty shy, so when I go somewhere that I want people to come up to me I wear a bright blue wig.
Absolutely. It's where I learned it but it works basically anywhere. All of my wife's friends like me because I am "easy to talk to" which just means I ask them about stuff they are wearing.
If people have kids, ask them about their kids. Most people will talk about their kids for as long as you need them to.
(note: as a parent, a significant proportion of the new people I meet are other parents so it's a fairly reliable topic to ask about but obviously this won't work if you're starting university or something)
"Name a food which doesn't go with cheese?" was quite a good one in the past. There's a cheese for almost every occasion, sweet or savoury.
I like pickled raisins.
This is the most fascinating thing I've heard all year! Tell me everything!!!!!
How? Like how do you eat them? Like cookies from the cookie jar? Like pickled onions on a burger?
Soak some raisins in seasoned (salt and sugar) vinegar for a few hours or, better, overnight and you have pickled raisins. Little nuggets of sweet, acidic, salty deliciousness that you can just scatter over things. Salads, stews, into sandwiches, with eggs, just eat them on their own. They're delicious and everyone should give them a go HEY, THIS CONVERSATION STARTER WORKS
I will now!
I struggle with small talk, in large parts because I’m anxious I won’t be interested in the mundane topic brought up in the ice breaker but won’t know how to gracefully get out of it or pivot to another topic smoothly. Typically I find other people’s kids so boring as a topic (don’t have any myself), what do you do once they thread is started and you get bored?
I just get bored. If I'm at the point of consciously employing strategies to make talking happen the point is passing time and/or reinforcing the belief in other people that I care about their lives (which I might well actually do, but not always), not providing entertainment for me. Sometimes talking to people is boring but as long as you don't show it, people go away thinking you care about them and that's important sometimes - or at the very least you avoid some standing around in awkward silence.
Small talk isn't really about entertainment. That's what big talk is for. Small talk isn't about what you say, it's about why you're saying it.
"Hello I exist and the things I think and do are both real and important".
"Hello I am listening to you tell me about the things you think and do which proves those things do matter and you are also a human being, we are together and alive here today"
"It is nice that somebody cares about me, thank you for being that person, we are perhaps fractionally closer to being friends now"
"We are here in this social situation and this situation demands we do Chat, I am doing Chat with You because you are a human person and so am I"
Well, but I'd rather talk to their kids about them as I prefer asking people about their parents if I can't come up with anything besides family.
I like "What do you do?". When they inevitably respond with their job, I respond with "No, what do you do?". It makes people start thinking of themselves as more than just a job, and I can usually get more fun answers.
Once, while at a mutual friend's gathering, I was chatting with a person I'd just met. I did the obligatory, "So, what do you do?" and they answered with their hobbies, passions, etc. It was delightfully refreshing, and I appreciated it so much; I now do what you do when meeting new people!
I use, "What do you like to do?"
I really don't enjoy having what do you do directed at me, due to the answer often being complicated or incomprehensible to the asker. I remain surprised by how many people are stumped by a non straightforward answer rather than interested.
I interact with a lot of people in my work days, and during down time get to make a lot of small talk. Outside of my usual go-to's like "Any plans for the weekend?" or "What's the plan for the evening?" I'll sometimes spice it up with some less plain questions, usually about a topic of discussion already being had with coworkers. Some recent favorites include:
-Do you believe in Bigfoot? Do you believe in the Lochness Monster? ( I live in the southeast US, and a lot of people said yes to Bigfoot and no to Lochness. Non locals were more likely to say no to both. All anecdotal evidence ofc.)
-Would you rather see Pitbull live or Limp Bizkit live? (an astonishing amount of people said Limp Bizkit, I could hardly believe my ears.)
-Are burgers a sandwich? (Again, an astonishing amount of people said no, burgers are burgers and sandwiches are their own separate category.)
-If you could see any band live, whether currently touring or disbanded, what would it be and why?
I find questions like these are great at getting people to talk about themselves and open up to further conversations. Personally I view small talk as quick way to establish common ground so we can dig into the more interesting things, and never really understand why it's so despised.
Enjoyed this thread, don't have anything major to add other than normally asking something about pets/kids depending obviously, works well and boringly safe. Pets tend to have a better response but that could be a coincidence.
Badminton is very popular here, which is often what I hear or football (soccer). Selfishly let's me bring up Sumo which can be its own conversation.
Malaysians are known for being foodies and you can end up with some good recommendations, or (at least when I was in Penang) some fun light hearted debates about the merits of how an uncle cooks a dish at this hawker center vs how an aunty at this road stall cooks it and why one way is superior.
A food with strong opinions like the raisin question.
I love reading and it's fun to talk about books. It does assume people read, and I do try to frame it for the people who don't that as a small encouragement to read and not a reminder of something they feel like they should be doing and aren't.
Fruits are yummy, also easy to pivot into durian question as a follow up.
As a white guy living in SE Asia here's some questions I usually get during small talk:
:) I would imagine it's rather hard to find a fellow sump enthusiast!
I only know 2 so far, though not from lack of trying.
I'm hoping this coming basho I can host a Sumo watch party with some of the guys from my church and see if I can get any of them interested in following it.
Can you recommend done videos or other media about the traditional garments worn by the referees, or the traditions around sumo?
I'm glad you asked!
Regarding the garments the referees, called Gyoji, there is a Sumopedia video on their attire which you can find here: https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/tv/sumo/sumopedia/13/
Regarding the traditions around Sumo. I have a document with a bunch of links that I share with people who may be interested in checking out sumo. I've copied the links in full below (I also need to better organize and update it, but I rarely look at the document myself). I've pulled one link to the top here which from what I remember is focused on tradition in sumo.
There are a ton of interesting things to learn about the sport and the surrounding culture! Things like the hairdressers having ranks, the gyoji are the ones responsible for hand writing the banzuke (ranking chart) and it takes years of practicing the style of calligraphy used to write the banzuke before they are allowed to try their hand at writing the official one, and lots of other fun facts.
Sumo Links:
Off topic
When I first read the title of the original, I thought of the line I like to throw out there randomly; "you like to see homos naked, that's cool.". From Joe Dirt
Joe Dirt was such an unexpectedly fun movie. Thank you for the reminder as I don't think my wife has seen it and it may be time for a movie night with her.
Well, I don't like raisins much. I don't like them in sweet baked food, I don't like them as substitute, I don't like them in a cake... It seems like I don't like them at all, but that would be wrong! I like them in my muesli (müsli) where they add up at least some sugar to the mix.
No, what do YOU think about raisins?
Oh my goodness you almost nailed how I feel about raisins, and I didn’t even know I had a stance on raisins until I read your words. The only place I like them is in Raisin Bran. And I really enjoy them there but nowhere else. Prior to reading about how you think about raisins, I would have just said, “they’re okay,” because I didn’t know how to articulate my raisin preferences. Thank you :)
And this is precisely why the raisin question is such a crucial tool in my socialising toolbox!
I'll PayPal you later, just need some funds to get through...
What do you like more in your muesli?
(Btw... anyone has a good recommendation for a FOSS keyboard for android phones? I miss being able to type all the letters)?
A second vote for FUTO, I moved off AI keyboards and FUTO has a decent privacy policy
Floris Board is my recommendation, I still move to gboard occasionally but mostly use it.
FUTO keyboard checks all the boxes for me. Lots of nice settings, has good swipe typing, and you can even tune the text prediction/autocorrect strength.
Thanks (& @Minithra too), I'm trying it out now, and it feels very wrong, but I'll get used to it (or just go back to AnySoftKeyboard once and for all!).
The only real pain, besides timing ones (that will most likely disappear when I'm used to the keyboard) is the little mic-icon taking up cognitive space (maybe I'll stop seeing it, but it has not happened yet with the large Android16 statusbar icons, so who knows!)
I don't like muesli, but I can't eat just unhealthy foods all day.
I use FUTO keyboard. Learned about it through Grayjay (video aggregator, including Youtube) which is also FUTO's work. Louis Rossmann recommended Grayjay back in the day and worked with FUTO on it (at least as marketing person on Youtube) - this added needed credibility for me.
Fair!
I just installed FUTO and then I learned it is not FOSS, just "source available", so back to AnySoftKeyboard it is! @Minithra & @all_summer_beauty
Ah that's right, I remember the "source available" thing. It didn't bother me so I forgot about it, apologies!
So I remember trying Anysoftkeyboard, but iirc it doesn't support multi-language typing, you need to switch languages completely, and that was such a pain I had to switch away from it, because I type in three different languages very often and needing to switch when I changed chats was just urgh
I'm glad you found something that works for you. The ergonomics of typing is no small thing.
I don't understand this, but then again I only type in latin-ish-alphabets where all different layouts have all symbols (although some are behind long presses). My dictonaries and autocorrect get messed up quite rapidly though, since I mix languages and use my own words & abbreviations.
Autocorrect/predict at the same time in French and English. Common when you day to day language is French but your technical terms is in English. Or with a multilingual couple.
Ah, I see, I never imagined that could be a thing... but now I'll long for that feature too *sad face*
I type in English, Romanian and German, and I make use of the word suggestions a bunch, and to get accurate ones and to prevent autocorrect from correcting a German word to an English one I'd have to be in English mode...
My confusion gets stronger and stronger...
For me, using AnySoftKeyboard I can just cycle through my languages & their respective layouts with one touch to a key.
So if I was a tad bit more attentive I wouldn't pollute my dictionaries with words from different languages at all.
Oh, well, I realise I sound like an AnySoftKeyboard-vendor, so I'll try to stop here :)
Yeah, it was the switching that tripped me up, as well as then having a new layout. Made my brain all confused and frustrated. I'm sure I could have gotten used to it, but I have one that works now, so I'm happy
Anysoft can't even easily do fullstops in the right place and it doesn't seem to have meaningfully got better in years.
So, do you like ...stuff?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xjxoFcR1WrY
or my fav:
Do you like... bread?
I totally used to use the "I gotta go now, as my grandmother's on fire" back in the day. Completely forgot about that and now I have to rewatch the whole show.
To which I would reply, "yeah, but the midterms are hard."
Not an exact line, but FORD has always helped guide me to some kind of question to ask:
Family
Occupation
Recreation
Dreams
Basically pops into my head when I don't know what to talk about and just run through potential questions in each
I was going to say this if nobody else did. This supercedes all "conversation advice" I've ever heard. Starting with any of these leads to a lot of followups.
Family - "Do you have family in town?" "Do you have a girlfriend?" "Got any kids?"
Occupation - "What's your day job?" "How long have you worked there?" "Any big projects you've been working on?"
Recreation - "What do you do for fun?" "What fun stuff did you get up to last weekend?"
Dreams - "Got any vacations coming up?" "What's your dream job?"
Yeah that's why it was by far the best conversation advice I ever came across. I don't have the conversation skills to be able to follow up a memorized single line, but following this leads to multiple different branches to go down that will likely find something of actual substance
It also kind of helps me understand when to let a conversation go, eg if it just feels like I'm playing 20 questions with somebody I should probably just leave them alone lol
A problem for me is that I find the first ~65% of these topics mind numbingly boring and I'm almost physically unable to follow up in any interesting ways.
That's why I came up with the raisin question :)
The other day I was asked "What's another unusual thing you do?" which I liked, I just need to find a good first half to it for the occasions where there isn't an obvious first unusual thing.
(With me it was easy, since I'm barefoot and the person just stated that but then asked for another unusual thing.)
What is your favourite kind of soap? Seems really random, but most people actually have one. Plus, some times people's favourite soap is tied to a specific memory so they end up sharing about that as well
I like this, and there is a non zero chance the people I'd ask would assume I'm trying to insinuate that they smell bad!
There is nothing like a little light confrontation based on a misunderstanding to get things started :D
My serious answer is:
If you were to sit down and write your biography this afternoon, what would the start, middle and end be about?
I normally get a puzzled response like "I don't get the question, isn't it obvious?"
Yet no two people have answered the same way.
One person decided their biography would start THE VERY MOMENT they came out the womb.
Another wanted their whole "beginning" to actually be about their parents lives, because it had so much impact on theirs.
And I've found it gives a lot of leads to talk about. Even the question is kind of interesting and has talking points.
Do you get any pushback? I would be quite uncomfortable receiving this question from a stranger, with my gut reaction being "none of your business". Much of what formed me to this point wasn't easy, I'll talk about it but only if we get there mutually.
I mean, I understand. I would never expect someone to share anything they are not comfortable with.
The answer of "my life has been complicated, the beginning would be difficult to talk about. Here is my middle and end..." is a good conversation starter.
You've got to roll with the question a little. "I'm sorry, my story is too personal to talk about" and then nothing else is going to kill a conversation. I this case you're choosing to shut down the person who asked.
I agree it's good conversation, I disagree it's a good conversation starter, I think here it would generally be considered a bit rude. It's too personal to open with with a stranger.
Having to roll with the question is why it's rude - it puts the questioned person in a position that is uncomfortable no matter how they respond; they either shut down conversation, which they might want to do but isn't polite, or they're talking about stuff they don't want to, or they get dishonest. There's no good option.
I'm curious where "here" is if you don't mind me asking?
I completely agree with your point that different culture and social setting will dictate the flexibility of questions like this.
In my case, I've always used this question during early dating or at large social events where there's an expectation of meeting new people. Perhaps you're imagining a more "normal" setting where you meet a new person casually and, yeah, that'd be a bit weird if that was the first thing they asked you right off the bat.
I apologize if I'm assuming here, maybe you think it's too personal no matter the situation.
i agree with you, it's an off putting question and i would probably like find someone else to talk to
This is great! Got me thinking about my own autobiography that is waiting for me in a metaphoric drawer...
Right this instant I think it would start with my mothers death, end with my own imagined funeral (I'm obsessed with an idea about making flowers of tiny glass pearls for decorating my own tombstone and how that can become a nice ritual around death) and contain most of my life up until now with a heavy focus on fatherhood.
The structure of it (which is already fleshed out quite well) is going to be like a "find your own adventure" book, made to jump around in.
Haha that is surprisingly well thought out and detailed!
A possible add-on to the question is: "OK, so you've written the end, but you're not dead yet, so what do you think the next chapter might be?"
But it's a lot more basic and not as fun really as the original question.
Universal: "Can you believe this shit?"
"This shit" could be sports, politics, the weather... Anything. Nothing bonds people or creates mutual trust like having a common thing to complain about.
Bonus: If you live in America and even if you don't care about American football, become a fan of the Cleveland Browns. They have sucked harder and longer than any other team in any other professional sport. If you meet someone else who is an unfortunate fan of the Browns the commiseration spans all age, ethnic, religious and racial boundaries... And anyone who isn't a fan will feel bad for you.
Off-topic: Bookmarking this for later this year.
I, an introvert, work completely remotely, and only one coworker on my team sometimes chat on Teams casually with me. Other than that, it's work conversations only with a handful of people. I'll be pulled in for this year's Christmas party.... I hope it's okay to sit down, eat and leave. I dread walk around mingle time or expectations to (hold a non-alcoholic) drink / dance.
I've never been a fan of icebreaker questions that sound like Icebreaker questions. There's a British comedian who has a book of "emergency questions" which is a similar concept, and they're funny to watch when he's interviewing a famous comedian, but they don't really break the ice so much as move it around. You can ask a question and get a response, but usually that doesn't lead the conversation on much further so you're just delaying the inevitable.
What I try to do (and I'm not very good at it, in fairness) is find out what the other person's Mastermind specialist subject is, and then I can "interview" them about it, and that's usually interesting. Work is often a good topic, especially for people who work in areas like academia, or in unusual jobs. Hobbies are also good, but asking "what hobbies do you have" is a terrible question most of the time, so I find I have to go at that one sideways - "what did you do at the weekend/in the summer/etc" or something like that. Children are a classic option for a reason, especially because right now I mostly meet people in the context of toddler groups and things like that.