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What made that wedding that you attended particularly memorable?
I'm in the midst of wedding planning and would like to hear your experiences, as I have only been to one wedding.
I'm curious about if you've picked up on any unique considerations that went into the structural/event design as well as the emotional takeaway from attending the event:
What made that wedding distinct from the others?
What aspects of the wedding did you find thoughtful and memorable?
How did that wedding make you feel as a guest?
How do you want to feel as a guest at a wedding?
The ceremony itself was like five minutes, did not include a pitch for the officiant's religion, and the vows were not full of trite, bad poetry.
Weddings should be for celebration, not solemnity, IMO. Give me BBQ and dancing, not an hour-long ritual you may or may not have invented just for this occasion.
Holy shit so much this.
I've also been to weddings like this. The actual ceremony was so short, but it was really well done and impactful I remember it much better than the hour(s) long ones that go on and on.
I completely agree, the best bit is the celebration!!
Also, don't force anyone to do speeches unless they actually want to and someone reads the contents. Don't force your dick brother who can barely write his own name to write a speech then be surprised when he made fart jokes at your wedding and it's awkward.
I agree with both points. My wife and I are Lutheran, and we trimmed out the communion and all the hymns from our mostly-traditional wedding ceremony - almost none of the guests would be able to participate in the communion (since Lutheran communion excludes non-Lutherans, even if they're Christians in another denomination) and we had enough non-Christian guests that we didn't want to make feel left out or forced to participate. The vows had nods to our favorite geeky interests, but not overt quotes, and I think they went smoothly.
Just noting that closed communion isn't a universal Lutheran thing. Our Lutheran (ELCA) church practices open communion and welcomes anyone who is baptized to communion, not just Lutherans or even just Protestants.
We also managed to get a lot of geeky interests involved. In particular, our pastor started things off by quoting Princess Bride, my partner's favorite book/movie:
Yeah, we're part of the WELS denomination, it's unfortunately more conservative than I would like. There's some solid community roots here that my wife and her family have built over several decades though, so uprooting us isn't a likely option without moving out of the area entirely (which would be even harder to do). Something like ELCA or even LCMS would be better since I have disagreements with how certain items are presented.
We did try having our pastor start our wedding with that Princess Bride line, but since it was literally his first wedding (he was a young guy who had to step into the lead pastor's shoes earlier than expected), he wanted to keep things more formal.
Hey what is Lutheran? I attended a funeral last week in a Lutheran church and it just seemed to be the belief that we live again after we die, which seems like an oversimplification, and then wikipedia gave too much info, so I'm still confused.
So it is a part of Christianity. To a simplified explanation, there are three main branches of Christianity.
In 1054, there was the schism separating Eastern Orthodox from Catholicism. Eastern Orthodox is common in Eastern Europe and the Eastern Mediterranean. Then in early 1500s (1517 I believe?) there was another split from Catholicism, forming Protestants. This split was started by Martin Luther, in which the Lutheran church takes its name from. Protestants is a very wide category with some more liturgical churches like Lutherans, Anglicans/Episcopal, and Presbyterians to the more informal style of modern Evangelical movement. In North America, Protestants seem to be the most common, but it varies by region on which denomination of Protestantism is popular.
Christianity is broken into many denominations, all of which believe the same core tenets but differ in the details. Lutheran is one of those denominations, named after its founder Martin Luther.
For a very long time the Catholic Church was the most dominant Christian belief system, and they had significant political power. There was also the Eastern Orthodox Church but that's a different story. In the early 1500's, a big schism formed due to disagreements with some church practices and the church fractured. Catholicism remained as a major denomination but many other protestant denominations, including Lutheran, Calvinist, Methodist, Protestant (a specific denomination), and Anglican all formed as a result.
If you want more info, I recommend looking into the Reformation as a general starting point. I can also answer more specific questions that you have.
I thought that was Protestant?
Protestantism is just an umbrella term for Christian denominations that originated during the Protestant Revolution. Lutheranism falls under this umbrella, along with several other denominations. In that specific historical context, it approximately means "not Catholic".
(There are other non-Protestant, non-Roman Catholic denominations like the Eastern Orthodox Church, etc. but that's a whole other thing)
Ohh okay I was told that under the context of someone explaining what Baptist is, but they neglected to mention that. Thanks
warning: am not lutheran, though it's what probably most people around me are
basically, instead of having to speak through a priest to talk to god, you can talk directly to god. Cut out the middle man. This is different than catholicism, and it was a big change, and it didn't go well.
Oh that's...Not what I thought at all. You know, the sermon was probably just because I was at a funeral.
You did kind of catch one of the core parts of Christianity though. Christians believe that when believers die, they are reunited with God in heaven where they will live eternally. This is the "live again after we die" that you mentioned. What happens to non-believers is less clear - the book of Revelations, which describes the end times, claims their souls will be cast into a lake of fire alongside Satan. What happens after that isn't really mentioned. The idea of Hell as a place of punishment that is ruled by the devil is a pop culture fabrication, however.
He really seemed like he meant like 'live again in the same body' like on Earth and I was super confused about that too, I guess he was just being dramatic?
He may have kind have meant that. One fairly orthodox belief across many Christian denominations is that eternity will be some sort of bodied existence in a new/restored united heaven (God’s space) and earth (human space). This is a major simplification, but Paul talks about how when Jesus rises from the dead in a resurrection body (still a recognizable body that can eat and do normal human stuff, but he appears/disappears a bunch of times and then is able to enter heaven), he is the beginning of the new creation, and we will participate in that kind of resurrection/new creation with him. This also includes the idea that the world was created good and as a place for humans to thrive, but we/sin broke that down, so God overarching plan is to restore creation and live with us in what he made for us. Again, some major oversimplifications, but maybe that helps interpret what you heard?
I guess, it's kind of hazy now, he definitely repeatedly said 'Jesus lived again, --name-- will also live again and you will too'
He went on this tangent about like, all of the work that Paul and the apostles did and all the work he's done and we've all done would have been for nothing if we don't live again, so we must live again
Christian sermons always seem over the top for me I guess cause it's so alien, but this one was really something haha
Some Christian sects believe that after Christ comes back again, everyone will be resurrected bodily to stand judgment, and only then will the goats be permanently separated from the sheep. Others dispense with the Dispensationalism and take a more spiritual reading of Judgment Day. The latter are the ones who believe that people are judged for their sins immediately upon death–for whatever value of "immediately" pertains in Eternity.
Along these lines, one of the more memorable weddings I attended the actual 'ceremony' was outside overlooking a beautiful view, and someone playing pleasant guitar music to one side the whole time. There were a mix of chairs and picnic blankets spread out to sit on. It was officiated by a close friend, with guest appearances from family. Even if you didn't want to listen to the talking, in the end, you were still chilling in nature listening to music.
My husband and I didn’t want to do wedding favors because they felt like a colossal waste of money for kitschy stuff that’s most likely going to end up as either forgotten clutter or trash.
Instead, my husband came up with a brilliant alternative.
We placed a little heart token at each seat at the reception. On one of the side tables we placed three jars, each with a big sign of a charity we support (we did the Special Olympics, a local LGBTQ youth organization, and the adoption agency through which we got our dog).
Guests were instructed that, in lieu of a party favor, they could deposit their heart into the charity of their choosing, and we would make a donation to each charity based on the amount in the jar (we set the value of each heart to $8, as we had been together for 8 years at the time). We had little table tents explaining the process, and also had the DJ announce it.
This was SUCH a hit. People LOVED it. It essentially felt like they were donating their wedding favor to charity (which they did more than willingly), and the fact that they had to choose between them sparked a lot of really good discussions and made their choices meaningful. We genuinely got a ton of compliments about the idea. I’m really proud of my husband for coming up with it, and I think it speaks wonders to the kindness of his heart.
In the post-wedding, post-honeymoon blur, we sat down together, counted out the hearts, and then made large donations to each organization. This felt really good because we had just spent a lot of money on ourselves for the wedding+honeymoon and also received a lot of money in gifts. With all the focus on us, it was really satisfying to do something significant for others and share our goodwill. It made our wedding feel like it fit into a bigger, more meaningful picture. It made us feel more connected with the world.
Now, this charity idea was memorable on its own, but what really made it stick is that some of the people in attendance at our wedding also chose to do it for theirs afterwards. We’ve been to two weddings since where the same setup was used (and know of more who did but we weren’t there).
For the first one we went to, I actually cried when I saw their setup mirroring ours. The wedding was mere days after Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, and I ended up crying again when I went to spend my token later in the evening and saw that the jar for Ukrainian aid had gotten almost every single one. Some people even put in additional cash. The hurt everyone was feeling was undoubtedly fresh, but the want to help was also urgent and powerful. It was genuinely beautiful to see such strong, unequivocal support from so many different people.
At the second wedding, the bride and groom, during their announcement about the charity tokens, had my husband and I stand up and let everyone know that they got the idea from us. It was quite an honor.
That's a great idea. And could be done at other kinds of parties too.
Speaking of party favors (and another comment about centerpieces), I've been to a few weddings where the centerpieces are actual potted plants which guests can take home. One of them had centerpieces that were all cuttings of plants from their own garden, propagated months earlier.
Got me crying about Ukraine again.... :')
Bravo starting a new tradition, what a fantastic idea! I'm not in the wedding market anymore but wow I would have stolen this for sure
People seem to frequently bring up the part where we did a slideshow to hide the announcement my wife was pregnant. Not sure if you want to go for that one.
One I went to had a wall fold away to reveal - set to Willy Wonka - that there was an additional 50% of the hall just dedicated to a dessert buffet with everything from the cake to jello shots to chocolate, dark chocolate, and white chocolate fondue fountains. I was impressed, but that may just be because I really like white chocolate.
So, I know its not really in the vein of your question, but years ago at a wedding the mother of the bride described getting to know her new son in law as so:
"He grew on us, like a fungus"
His uncle took exception to this and snapped something back at her, which set off a chain reaction ending in most of the bridal party in a fist fight. And the shit show just grew from there. Honestly one of the better weddings I've been to. Probably not recommended, but it was memorable!
I imagine that you are well past making a similar decision, but here is what my wife and I did (and our 9 year anniversary was yesterday*).
We got married in the Boundary Waters (BWCA) in northern minnesota, on a beach on a lake. BWCA only allows 4 canoes and 9 people in any group, only one group per site, and sites are always solo, a few around a lake. We had the trip planned with friends for a few months, and with a few more months left before we went we decided we would get married and that we would do it on the trip.
I'm so glad we did it this way, and honestly it was never a hard decision. A few days before we left for the trip we had a professional photographer take wedding photos with us and my parents and grandma at a an outdoor location in the city. It was like $300-400, way cheaper than at a wedding and more fun. We wore our wedding clothes, and got great pictures.
Speaking of clothes, I wore a suit I already had and my wife bought a white bridesmaid dress for $100. Her ring was $300 or something, mine was $60 (was a returned but otherwise new ring).
For the 5 day canoe trip we told friends that we would pay for the BWCA permit, a baseline of food but nothing fancy, and they could bring better food if they wanted. We said no gifts, but someone bought us some nice camp chairs that we still use weekly. Everyone brought some food upgrades, including one guy who secretly hauled a yeti cooler in his duluth pack, filled with bacon wrapped beefsteaks, fresh fruit, veggies, butter, cream, cheese, etc. That guy ended up catching us a walleye dinner for our wedding night.
The actual wedding date was decided on the day-of since the weather was nice. It happened on a beach, with a friend officiating. The wine cooled in a natural cold water spring that came out of the woods, pooled on the beach, and emptied into the lake. The ceremony happened at sunset, we got some more photos of us canoeing around in our wedding attire, and then danced on the beach until it eventually rained.
We spent maybe $1500 on the trip, total. As a result of the amount of money we saved, we bought a house soon after, and honestly I just can't believe how much money is spent on a single day. Financial burden is at the root of so many relationship issues, it's insane to me that the first day of a marriage can be responsible for starting that stone rolling. My parents were relieved to not have to do any planning or having big expenses themselves. So many people I've told this story to say "man, we should have done that".
I totally understand it's not for everyone, but I do think people get tunnel vision about weddings and aren't looking at the day after.
Edit: I asked my wife how much the photos were and she says "are you telling people to not have a wedding again?". I'll come up with more ideas that actually answer your question later.
Brag away brother! I love cheap wedding followed by buying real estate. Oh and happy anniversary!
Wow that sounds beautiful! Would be my cup of tea though not realistic for us as we wouldn't be able to keep our party that small-- as you had 9 people total?
Cheap and easy is ideal is but we live in a big city and want to stay local so it doesn't work out that way :')
One thing we did at our wedding, and something I've seen done at others, is to give centerpieces, flowers, etc. to your guests if they would like to take them. Obviously don't do this if you want to keep some of it for yourself, but if it's something that would get thrown away or otherwise discarded, it can instead become something nice for your guests to remember the wedding (especially close family).
Important note is to make them obvious as giveaways. My aunt prepared my cousin's wedding and bought the flowers, vases, and wine glasses. The glasses were giveaways, but they weren't labeled. Nobody took any except us and one lady who asked about them when we were cleaning up.
They had chocolate bars as giveaways too. If they had simply put one in each wine glass, I'm sure people would have realized they could take the wine glasses.
I agree that gifts for the guests are memorable
Yes I plan on having many bud vases and offering the guests to take them home! Makes clean up easier too haha
One of my friends crocheted tons and tons of pine cones for the centerpieces and encouraged everyone to take them. We turned a couple into Christmas ornaments and every year they’re some of my favorites to hang.
Honestly I would love to incorporate mass hand made products into my table decorations as favors, I'll have to think about this one too... Thanks!!
When my dad remarried, my siblings and I spent the entire event telling everyone that it sucked when we were not invited to the first one.
Since we are all adults now, it's pretty hard for people to imagine us as not being born at the time.
So responses ranged from, "Ha ha. Good one.", to disinterested eye rolls, to my uncle having a little crisis trying to figure out how we could possibly not be invited to our own parents wedding.
What a fantastic prank!
One had agua de plátano (banana agua fresca), which was uncommon enough to be memorable.
One had the ceremony and reception at the same venue - guests just moved chairs from the seating in the middle to the tables and suddenly we were ready for dinner and dancing.
Comforts:
Hot food wins over fancy food. I fondly remember shredded brisket in big chafing pans.
Having places at the reception that aren't all loud music and pressure to dance, where you can decompress or have a conversation, is always appreciated.
Yes, i appreciate weddings mostly for seeing old friends and talking. Any opportunity to sit somewhere a little quieter, comfortably, and chat with old friends over a drink is something I'll take.
Yes.
If you ask anyone about a wedding ever, nine out of ten times they talk about the food first thing. If not first, then second.
I've had weddings where the food was fancy, I've also had weddings where the food was hot.
None are as good as where the food is plenty.
My wife and I made sure food was covered and people still sometimes say to us that ours was one of the best if not the best wedding food they had. Wasn't anything special, it was just on time, hot, and plentiful.
+1 introvert wedding. Why can't we just chill and talk :/
We don't dance so we are cutting that part out completely! Our reception will be short (~2hrs) cocktail style but do need to figure out other activities to incorporate that encourage guests to mingle and enjoy themselves...
Yeah definitely have to consider incorporating hot food/hor d'ourvres though increases costs...
One cool thing at my brother's recent wedding was that each table was numbered, and then given "time capsule" cards where you could write a private message that would not be opened until that numbered anniversary.
They also hired not just a photographer and videographer, but a "content creator" who would record fun shortform candid videos that could be more immediately shared with people who couldn't make it.
Hmm may consider incorporating something similar!
We were told to dress in a way that made us feel magical. Most of the guests, especially the older folk, wore pretty standard semi-formal attire. I chose to dress in a tie-front shirt from the renfest and a bright red woven vest. A friend who saw pictures after asked why I looked like a hobbit, which is the exact vibe I was going for!
The ceremony was short and the celebration was long, the venue was gorgeous inside and out and the food was splendid. As a guest I felt comfortable and welcomed but I also felt the weight of the occasion. I think that was as perfect as I have ever felt as a wedding guest.
Coming from someone whose wedding was less than two years ago, I think there are two key things for you to keep in mind:
Congratulations on the engagement! If you have questions, feel free to ping me.
20 years later and we still get comments about our wedding. Short non denominational ceremony. We each had a brides maid and bridesman and a groomsman and groomsman which raised a couple eyebrows with the older folks. But it was 15 min long, then 3 hours of apps, food, drinks, dancing. We had buses between the hotel and venue so none had to drive, the hotel had views of NYC. We just wanted our guests to be well fed and have a stress free good time.
The bus! I had forgotten about this, but weddings with busses between the hotel(s) and the venue were great. Not only were they their own little pre and post party, but they absolutely improved safety for the majority of the guests.
Oh yeah, the bus was fun.
Thanks for your advice! It's hard to plan when I never had an ideal wedding in mind and I'm figuring out what I want as I plan, haha.
We already decided to have a two part reception where directly after the ceremony we have an afternoon cocktail style reception in the same location, and only the family will gather for proper dinner at a separate location. We both don't dance so we cut that part out completely. But because there's no dancing I have to consider other activities to encourage mingling and have fun in other ways.
Nice! I went to a wedding last weekend and was told to pull out all the stops on my outfit. So I wore dress clothes with leather shoulder bags and a silk gold cape!
Full peacock!!
Venue helps a lot. The best one I went to was at some farm on a hill, converted of course to a fancy event venue. The neighboring plots were still farms. I vaguely recall one even had some sheep that wandered up to the fence. Up on that hill, with nothing but low farmland all around, the sunset and night sky were fantastic. They had a bunch of comfy chairs and tables set up outside so you could take a break from the dance party, relax with some friends, and enjoy the view.
I replied with a really similar comment in another thread, about a ceremony held outdoors with a beautiful view.
Then I realized a lot of the weddings I've been to have been outdoors in naturey settings, and they've all been the better for it. One on the coast on an island, another overlooking a huge forested valley, another at a farm-like event venue, with the entire welcome/ceremony/party all at the same property.
I worked a few weddings. The only one I particularly remember was a Jewish wedding where the couple brought a 12 Liter bottle of Champagne (from California, not true champagne). We poured it from decanters, and the couple was planning to have the guests sign it as a keepsake. I thought it was a fun idea.
It didn’t end up working well, mostly because the event planner didn’t communicate the plan to us. We chilled it on ice as we would normally do, so the label was soaked and didn’t dry out enough to write on in time.
If you want to do something like this, I would recommend trying it before hand on as close to the exact bottle you intend to use. Ask the winery if they use the same label type for their large formats and test it on a 750mL. Possibly get one that has an engraved label and have people write on the glass with sharpie. Make sure to communicate with the venue to chill it in a fridge or freezer if possible, not an ice bath. And if using sharpie on bare glass, the glass will need to warm up to room temperature and be dry before it will work.
My wife and I hired the DJ who did my sister's wedding because we thought he was great. He was the 2nd most expensive part of the day (behind the venue) but was absolutely worth it. He coordinated with all of our vendors, MC'd the whole evening (obviously), met with us several times before the wedding to find out what we definitely wanted to do/didn't want to do, what kind of music to play, coordinated a trivia game so our guests weren't clinking glasses to get us to kiss all night, got facts about all of our bridal party so he could roast everyone during the grand march. It was great, 100% would hire him again
The last wedding I went to had a great DJ, and I realized that every prior wedding had only mediocre DJs. Just good mixing, actually read the room well, had a good lights setup, etc. Not as good as yours sounds, but still good.
Guests were asked for song picks along with their dinner choice on the RSVP, and those songs were incorporated into the set list.
Yeah my wife and I compare the DJ at every wedding to ours and no one even comes close. A good DJ makes all the difference for the reception imo
The best I've been to have not been sit down events. Lots of mingling and talking instead and at a couple of them there wasn't even a ceremony, that having been done separately without an audience for religious, practical or political reasons. In essence the formality was dialed right down. At one, about 15 of us went to the pub for dinner after a very big afternoon event, with the brides coming with us. It's still one of my favourite weddings.
It's more like what happened around that day. Wedding ceremony itself was at a countryside inn and got interrupted several times by moving trains and people doing welding work nearby.
I took part in the quarter-final of a (unrelated) karaoke competition later that eve and got eliminated.
And I caught food poisoning and spent the next few days uncontrollably shitting and vomiting...
Some friends of mine from high school who were high school sweethearts and never split up were/are big fans of game of thrones. Me too! We all 3 obsessed over fan theory videos and what might happen next.
Well, a few years later, they had a 1920s themed wedding where the wedding party dressed in old fedoras, flappers costumes, black fishnets, and pocket watches.
And when the party came out, they came out to AC/DC's Thunderstruck.
And when the bride and groom finished their vows, they did the couple's pledge from George R R Martin's hit series Game of Thrones:
"Father, Smith, Warrior, Mother, Maiden, Crone, Stranger. I am hers/his, and s/he is mine, from this day, until the end of my days."
It was a tough time to put on a straight face. But ultimately I've settled on letting love be love.
They also named their child after one of the direwolves, Nymera
:]
Went to my favorite wedding ever this year. The secret? Renting a whole inn. The less important friends and family stayed at satellite locations, but the core friends and family all stayed at one place. They did a welcome dinner plus campfire, a whole day for the wedding, and then a farewell breakfast the last day. We didn't have to think about any logistics at all, just be around and attend the stuff on the schedule. They picked a location with lots of outdoor space and trails, so there were plenty of areas to explore with our (limited) free time. And we wound up hosting the after party in our suite with the core college friend group. I haven't seen a lot of those friends in years, so the trip was worth it just for catching up -- but of course the wedding itself was also beautiful and deeply touching, since these friends are incredible type-A overachievers.
Honestly, I find nothing more distasteful at a wedding than an artificial venue. My favorite weddings have been in state parks, in someone's back yard, and now at this cute inn in New England. I have been to far more expensive weddings in large hotels and spaces that felt more like a convention center or some kind of country club, and they just felt... inhuman and wrong.
My advice? Pick a location where your core group can just BE for at least the day, if not the full (probably late Friday -> early Sunday) trip. Half the point of weddings is the human connections outside of the couple, the other half is celebrating the couple itself. Both benefit from a mix of good vibes and enough time to get comfortable. Nothing kills the vibes more than figuring out car pools to and from the venue, the reception, and the hotel.
We plan on family staying together in one house rental that has property and spaces to lounge and walk which will be nice!
For sure a good venue helps create a special vibe. I would have loved to have a reception at a botanical garden but it's pricey... We don't have the budget to rent a fancy venue or create a whole reception in an outdoor venue. So we have to find ways to make an indoor venue special.
That sounds lovely! One thing I'd suggest (if feasible logistically) is renting shuttles for guests not staying at the family house. I've had this at a couple weddings and it's really made the experience seamless and more carefree.
Yess, I attended a wedding where the entire hotel was rented, which allowed the party to go later into the night. For friends not in the family, a nearby camp ground was also reserved (camping worked well for the type of people attending), which kept the cost of attending low. There were lots of shuttles between the two locations so campers never felt separated.
Clarification: I was close family but not part of the wedding party
We had lunch together the day before and got to spend time hanging out. That was the best part.
The couple had polorids and guests can take their own photos to keep as well as leave lots for the couple. Low waste favour is a win.
I'm just happy for the couple, not sure how else I feel really matters, honestly. It's their day
I'm not a big wedding ceremony / reception person. I want to spend time personally talking to the couple and connecting, learning about their new partner. If I could choose to buy them casual dinner with just them and then not being invited to a friend's wedding I would for sure choose dinner 100 times in a row.
My favourite weddings had lots of food, which was also freely available. One in particular had servers walking around with apps all evening so you could munch whenever you wanted something, and that was awesome. I know a lot of people like to do dinner or buffet-style, but frankly my feelings on the entire event will be on how much/how good the food is. The quality of food doesn't matter if you run out partway! More food is good. I will leave if I'm hungry, even if I like you a lot.
I echo what others have said about keeping the ceremony and other ceremonial necessities short/limited to the relevant people. My ceremony was religious but we cut out communion, and I know the religious family members appreciated that we kept it concise! I like when couples have their own riff on their ceremony, but coming from a very religious family, I appreciate religious services as well (and appreciate also when they are thoughtfully done and not endlessly meandering and droning, but YMMV based on expectations).
As someone that often gets invited to weddings where I don't know many more people than the bride or groom, I also appreciate when there are other things to do aside from sitting in a room - venue at a park so you can take a walk, games available so you can amuse yourself or make friends, wandering trays of food and comfy seating so you can sit and eat quietly if you don't want to make small talk for hours...
Agreed on the food! Snacks and drinks during the welcome reception, let me keep my beverage during the ceremony please, and then lots of varied food optons available throughout the evening! At one memorable event, the main food was offered buffet style, but different spreads/dishes were brought out at different points in the evening, so there was never really a big line to wait for food, and it never really seemed to run out.
The most memorable wedding I went to was for a couple in some social scenes around costuming and performance and with some film and theatre industry ties. It was a unique event in general, and some parts would not be applicable to most weddings, but some might be:
The (~300-400 guest) wedding itself was organized as a large evening cocktail party with a performance during it, rather than a traditional ceremony and separate reception. This allowed several choices that significantly reduced the per-guest cost for typical wedding expenses, with money instead being spent on making a better performance and party. It can be underappreciated how much some choices typical for weddings, like multi-course, sit-down dinners, transportation between multiple venues, etc, can enormously increase per-guest costs. I vaguely know how much the couple spent as I'm somewhat associated with the venue, and I have been to 100-200 guest weddings that spent more.
Food was on the heavy side of cocktail party appetizers, of the sort where most guests would not have eaten another dinner, but where the food could be generally available for extended periods and handled with a significantly smaller staff than a sit-down dinner. It also meant that there was very little waiting for food service, and organizing them as appetizers with available tables but food chosen to be able to be mostly consumed standing meant that guests were much more able to socialize. Drinks were similarly arranged as for a cocktail party, led by a reliable bartender who I think was also a guest.
The ceremony was intended as a performance, and was designed as one. It was short (~10 minutes if I recall correctly), and done essentially on a raised stage in front of a mostly standing audience. Since the guests were already there for the party, it meant there was very little waiting around for people to arrive for the ceremony; there was also no aisle to complicate things. It was, however, well-written and well-choreographed, and had significant work and expense put into parts of the performance that were impressive but too specific to describe here.
Expenses were also not spared for the musicians, which specifically fit both the couple and the guests. Most of the guests likely knew of the main band. I think a specific soloist for the ceremony was flown in. There were meaningful guest performances, but they were kept from being too much or too long. My understanding is that all of this cost substantially less than what a typical wedding of that size would have spent on a sit-down dinner.
There were no wedding photographers, only event/performance photographers, operating under expectations for that type of photography, making them much less obtrusive for guests. They did not use any flashes during the ceremony, could not have any remote flashes at all, and for the ceremony, needed to stay behind or to the side of the audience, so they were never overly visible. This was a particular choice of the couple, in full understanding of what the resulting photos would be like, but they wanted to prioritize the performance over photographs of the performance. (This may not, in general, be possible except through pre-existing relationships with photographers, because couples will often want non-wedding-photographers to do weddings for cost reasons, and then be upset with the results. I also don't quite know the details of the arrangements; I think some of the photographers were there at their own request rather than having been hired, and allowed to photograph it in exchange for a license to the photos and some control over how they used/sold them.)
Our wedding was pretty mild and pretty traditional by most standards. No alcohol, grocery store catered snacks and desserts in the church fellowship hall. A small fancy cake and larger sheet cakes for serving everyone.
A couple of fun things I remember:
I know this thread is more about weddings than wedding planning, but I will chip in with this advice:
In the end, do something you enjoy, and makes you happy. Don't let other people tell you that you must do X or you can't do Y.
However don't hang too much on the day in terms of expectation. In the end, it's your relationship that matters, not the event. We spent a year planning for the wedding, and the day itself was a blur. I kind of felt like "that's it?" If I could do one thing differently, I would have delegated more of the day-of tasks and left myself more time to go slow and be present in the experience.
My wife and I did most of the planning and implementation of the wedding ourselves, together. I think the things we learned about each other during that time turned out to be the best thing of all. The effort, planning, and negotiating that went into the wedding were good preparation for the actual work of being and staying married.
Our afternoon reception will probably lean more towards this low key style (without the dancing). Thanks for sharing about your day and no I appreciate the advice too :)
My sister's wedding. She and her husband got married in a former church (a cute little primitive Baptist church built in the early 1800s), and they rented the building out overnight and set it up for an all-night video game party for all their guests. We were sitting on pews and lying in sleeping bags playing midnight Super Smash Brothers on a big projector screen with amazing church acoustics.
Not only was it a lot of fun, but it basically served to bond our two families. It was the first time I met my brother-in-law's family, but they really became my family, too, by the end of the night.
Wow that is amazing a church slumber party, I would love to be invited to something like that
I’ve attended well over 100 weddings now (for work) and honestly the good ones are the ones where the focus is on enjoying yourself. The simpler the better.
I often tell people about a lovely barn wedding that had a homemade food buffet and instead of a wedding cake they held a cake cutting competition. Guests brought in a cake (or cupcakes etc) and the bride and groom cut the winner. Then everybody ate lots and lots of cake and danced. It was simple, got many people involved and importantly was entertaining but quick.
Simple, comfortable and enjoyable is what I'm going for!!
Oohhh I really enjoyed wedding planning! It's essentially throwing a big party with family and friends. We had our wedding early last year :)
I have a wedding planning spreadsheet template (Google sheets link) in case it helps. It includes sample sheets for costing, program planning, and guestlist management, as well as a list of tips.
I've mostly attended large formal weddings with 100+ guests, though I've been to a few that were very intimate that had just the couple + a handful of guests. For our own wedding, we had 30 guests for our civil ceremony (15 mins at a government office) + lunch celebration in Japan, and then about 150 guests for our dinner celebration back home in the Philippines.
As a guest, I enjoy when the venue is comfy and accessible, the food is yummy, the sound system isn't too loud (unfortunately this is practically the norm in a lot of local events not just weddings), the required guest attire color palette isn't strict/difficult, and the program isn't so long. I appreciate when the wedding is personalized based on the couple's personality. For example, my cousin's wedding had old-school arcade video game machines at their wedding reception, that was so fun and it was so them!
For our own wedding dinner celebration, we served guests Japanese food, and had a live band playing anime song covers. Instead of games during the program, we had crossword puzzles about our love story on guest tables. (Introvert-friendly activity!) For guest souvenirs, we had a mobile photo studio setup where guests could have professional portraits taken and then take home their printed photo in a real wood-and-glass frame. We received a lot of compliments from our guests saying they really enjoyed the food and the portraits. And they were happy we weren't strict about guest attire color palette (ours included gray, silver, and black, so we had a lot of guests happy they could just wear black). We loved hearing "your wedding is so you!" :)
We had our wedding in a hotel ballroom, and the hotel's wedding package included a couple of free hotel rooms for that evening. We used one of them as a small "after-party hangout" after the dinner. Our caterer had packed up the leftover food from the dinner... so at around 3am we were sitting on the floor of the hotel room with maybe a dozen friends, chatting, eating gindara teriyaki, ebi tempura, and saikoro steak with our hands. It was the perfect chill after-party for us.
While wedding planning I asked my married friends for tips too. Most advised us to spend only on what we really want, and also to set our expectations about attendance for 100+ guests-- it's safe to estimate that about 10% of confirmed guests will be a no-show on the day itself. (After having planned a wedding myself, I can say that I'd much rather have a guest tell me "regrets I can't make it" well in advance, rather than a last-minute cancellation or no-show... but I also understand that my wedding is my big day, not the guest's, and they have other things going on in their life.)
It was my best friend's wedding. They had rented a summer camp spot in the mountains (with facilities) for the weekend. Folks flew in from all over, more able to swing a weekend with lodging covered than a one night event. The food on the way out was supposed to be safe, but it fucked me up by the time we got on site -- I was worried I wouldn't be able to stand for the ceremony.
After excruciating pain and only 15min to spare, I was able to make it. The weather was excellent. The ceremony was beautiful with the backdrop of the forest as the childhood friend of the goom wed them (nb+nb wedding, they went by shroom and goom). Their vows absolutely whipped, they're both wicked writers. They looked so good. I was sobbing.
We did silly pictures. The reception hall had a canoe filled with (iced) booze. Big ol karaoke setup. Not just a vegan option for dinner, but vegan choices, plus dope vegan desserts. I gave a speech, I'd tried to write it beforehand but blanked so made it up on the spot (and said as much in a good opening joke), and it killed. The goom's (rather pretty) sister came up to me, grabbed my face, and told me how great it was, giving me feelings that weren't just pride. I shared around my nasal spray filled with an aqueous solution of coke with the cool folks, that night and the rest the weekend (would recommend, far better than dry insufflation, and stealth). Many of us took MDMA later that night, with lots of heart to hearts and hair petting, haven't done it with that many folks before or since.
I guess nobody got the message that last person leaving the reception needed to close the doors to the hall, I'll assume last ones out were too drunk to realize. A raccoon came in and swiped a fair portion of the wedding cake. Huzzah for all! We all had a good laugh, shroom and goom agreed it was a great wedding memory, worth losing the cake over.
The next day folks ran assorted activities in camp counselor fashion such as tie dye and boffer fighting. The weather continued to be beautiful. It was fun seeing folks from different walks engaging in activities they may not have otherwise. I did an extra tie dye tee for a cute friend that was still conked out from the MDMA the night before (my SSRI has made me pretty immune to the MDMA brain fry hangover). Went a bit too hard boffer fighting a bit too soon after the last sniff of coke.
The last day of cleaning was memorable due to... poor weather. We made it back home safe and sound.
Extra bit of fun: I hadn't come out to myself and identified as nb, so me and my nb-transmasc buddy attended both "bachelor" and "bachelorette" parties. Living our best nb lives, partying like hell.
Well, I officiated it. It was a full, formal, traditional ceremony with the exception that I am not a priest. I got positive feedback from the guests, some were very moved by my words. That was many yeas ago and they have a 1-year-old now. So I guess it turned out well.
I have been to just a few weddings of my friends and probably at least 15 weddings of strangers as a musician.
One thing I noticed was that the best atmosphere is usually at smaller weddings where there is as little family as possible and as many close friends a possible. For obvious reasons it's not a rule, but it is a decent rule of thumb.
The rest is difficult to describe, because it's pretty much all just "everyone who matters has to be a chill person with taste", and then the wedding is almost guaranteed to be nice. I've been to a wedding of two lawyers who loved Star Wars, had a cake with Han Solo in carbonite among other things, and gave every guest an inflatable lightsaber. I don't care about Star Wars and don't want to own an inflatable lightsaber and I suspect this was true for many others, but they were genuinely nice, smart people who are not afraid to have fun, so they attracted guests with a similar vibe and the atmosphere was great.
Two best weddings I've been to were both my friends and they were basically polar opposites:
First
My bandmate who has a ton of musician friends and a sizeable family, so the wedding was not exactly small, but not huge either, and most of the guests were musicians, so there were 2 different proper bands he both played in (40s rock & roll and jazz/lounge), plus two improvised "house bands", one something like a barbershop with guitar and the other played jazz standards. For the "empty time" before the evening fun started, when the groom and bride went to take photos, the groom hired an excellent kyogen theatre group - kyogen is basically a traditional (hundreds of years old) japanese low brow comedy where each play is about 20 minutes long, so they did 2 plays. An afternoon and evening stuffed full of great music and theatre and chill people.
Second
My friend from a local hackerspace thought "well, we're expecting a baby and my birthday is on saturday, so how about we get married on saturday?". It was wednesday. We're atheists, so generally we don't get wed in a church but each town hall in a town over a certain size has a wedding room and someone who officiates, could be members of the town council. So he managed to find a free spot in a town about an hour away. I had chinos, black shoes, a shirt with a bowtie and during the drive there I tore a small bit of lined paper from a notebook and scribbled a flower that's usually pinned on your suit for weddings around here, pinned it on my shirt. I was the best dressed person by far, I was their token wedding guest because otherwise nobody would have believed this was a wedding. There were about 12 of us I think. None of their families could make it on such short notice, friends only.
The party was held in the hackerspace, a small warehouse that they were all trying to clean up until 4 am the night before, so everyone was tired as shit. There were confetti hanging from the suspended industrial tube lights. There was a confetti- and ribbon-decorated slot machine set to free play present. Me and the groom were the DJs for the night, this was the song for the newlywed's unplanned first dance. At midnight me and a couple friends sang an extremely offensive birthday song to the groom and the bride gave him a cake.
The warehouse is among residential buildings, so at about half past midnight one neighbor was threatening to call the police due to being tired of listening to frenchcore, and about 10 minutes later our amplifier (that me and the groom build years ago) caught on fire. I don't mean sizzled and smoked, there was a 10 cm flame coming out of one of the amplifier chips. No danger really, and it was immediately extinguished, but it was really funny, especially with the timing. We had a green laser machine, which looks much better with some smoke in the air anyway.
Everyone was too tired to continue for too long and surprisingly there were almost no drugs, so the party ended at about 2 am. But the atmosphere was absolutely unique, unexpected, unplanned, with a very random assortment of guests, yet everything was super chill and felt right despite all the strangeness around. They have 3 kids now.
Friends rented the summer camp that a bunch of the group attended together growing up. A big group of us spent the weekend there and created the whole wedding ourselves: the food, music, officiating, all the setup and tear down - no one outside those invited to the wedding was involved. We all spent the weekend there and slept in the cabins, and the wedding night was an all night dance party. Such a great time, it felt really special for friends to create the whole thing ourselves, a tangible celebration of their union.