For context, I'm American and my wife is from NZ. At a point when we were long distance and having a Skype call, she made a comment about it sucking how far apart we were. I said, "I blame...
For context, I'm American and my wife is from NZ.
At a point when we were long distance and having a Skype call, she made a comment about it sucking how far apart we were.
I said, "I blame Pangaea. Just couldn't keep it together!"
I laughed so hard at my own joke that she hung up on me.
We've been married seven years now, and I have yet to top that one.
My favourite for kids just old enough to understand is the reverse knock knock Me: "Hey do you want to hear a knock knock joke?" Hapless 8 year old: "Yeah!" Me: "Ok, you start" Hapless 8 year old:...
My favourite for kids just old enough to understand is the reverse knock knock
I like the ‘Interrupting starfish’ version where you hold your hand up in a ‘stop’ gesture at a polite distance from their face. with your fingers as wide apart as possible. :D
I like the ‘Interrupting starfish’ version where you hold your hand up in a ‘stop’ gesture at a polite distance from their face. with your fingers as wide apart as possible. :D
I like to follow this one up with: Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting sloth. Interrupting sloth who? polite smiling Interrupting sloth who? polite smiling Interrupting sloth whooo? Moo.
MY TIME HAS COME! Did you hear that police forces are replacing old police dogs with young police cats? It's apparently an upgrade from K-9s to K-10s. I have talent for identifying birds. To be...
MY TIME HAS COME!
Did you hear that police forces are replacing old police dogs with young police cats? It's apparently an upgrade from K-9s to K-10s.
I have talent for identifying birds. To be fair it's usually pretty easy. If it's got a beak and wings it's a bird.
I'm trying to figure out who stole one of my boardgames. It's not the end of the world, but I literally don't have a Clue.
I got a book of 101 uses for WD-40. It's non-friction.
Wise caveman say, some months cold, summer hot.
Have you noticed that Ireland is one sea away from Iceland?
If a bull comes to your house trying to sell you a red cape, don't take it. He'll charge you a lot.
A guy was trying to sell me a broken protractor yesterday. I couldn't figure out what his angle was.
I tried to tie two ropes together, and found out I could knot.
Why did the hippie drown at sea? He was too far out, man.
I say no when friends ask me to go fishing.. because there's usually a catch.
Are you tired? There's a nap for that.
I went to the emergency room with a stomach ache last night and the doctor was like, "what happened and when did the pain start?". I said "Ate a clock"
I've just been prescribed anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.
I have so many and my kids absolutely hate them, I use them repetitively on purpose. I love hearing the groans and sighs before I deliver the punchlines, or they finish them in unison. Did you...
I have so many and my kids absolutely hate them, I use them repetitively on purpose. I love hearing the groans and sighs before I deliver the punchlines, or they finish them in unison.
What's a pirate's favorite vegetable? Arrrrugula!! What's a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant? Arrrby's! What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table? GOLD! Sorry, I used to be a...
What's a pirate's favorite vegetable?
Arrrrugula!!
What's a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant?
Arrrby's!
What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table?
GOLD!
I worked in 3/4 parks, mostly in attractions. Started in 07 on Sunset at Studios, working Tower and Coaster. then became a pirate at The Pirate's League from around 2010-2012, and did a brief...
I worked in 3/4 parks, mostly in attractions. Started in 07 on Sunset at Studios, working Tower and Coaster. then became a pirate at The Pirate's League from around 2010-2012, and did a brief stint at Epcot at The Seas.
I haven't worked for Disney since 2016 but I still live near the parks and frequent them. Congrats on making it through Disney food service, I don't think I'd have the fortitude to last long there. When did you serve?
You were proper Disney then! I did a semester of the Disney College Program in 2010. Met my wife there's too. Started as housekeeping at the Polynesian, was utterly awful but they liked me, and...
You were proper Disney then! I did a semester of the Disney College Program in 2010. Met my wife there's too. Started as housekeeping at the Polynesian, was utterly awful but they liked me, and they transferred me to Magic Kingdom after that.
Honestly wasn't that bad. Hours weren't terrible, fellow cast members were great. Boss even let me keep a 5 dollar tip, a thing we were explicitly told not to take.
But after that semester, the chance for extending it came up, and I was so done. I don't think I've ever been more tired.
Man, you got around. I really would've liked to work at Epcot in retrospect. Such a cool place.
I masterfully presented this to my son over a period of weeks. What's a pirate's favourite letter? Week 1: R! (Arrrrrrrrgh matey) Week 2 he says "R!" and I say, no his first love is the "C". Week...
I masterfully presented this to my son over a period of weeks. What's a pirate's favourite letter?
Week 1: R! (Arrrrrrrrgh matey)
Week 2 he says "R!" and I say, no his first love is the "C".
Week 3 he says "The C" and I say, no "X" because X marks the spot.
Week 4 he says "X" and I say no, "P" because without it he's just Irate.
Week 5 he says, "I dunno, X? C. P! R? Shut up!" and I say "Well it's actually F, but since you're not interested I won't tell you why."
There's no answer for F. It drove him bananas for a week.
I keep telling this joke and always love people tripping over the third part: Why are pirates called pirates? Because they aaaaaaarrr! Where do they go shopping? At the supermaaaaaaarket! And how...
I keep telling this joke and always love people tripping over the third part:
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they aaaaaaarrr!
Where do they go shopping?
At the supermaaaaaaarket!
And how do they get there?
(Gesticulate like you're steering a wheel and lead them into saying...)
...By caaaaaaaaaaar?
No, by boat! They're pirates!
These two are near and dear to me: I bought a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words, too. The man who stole my journal died today. My thoughts are with his family.
These two are near and dear to me:
I bought a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words, too.
The man who stole my journal died today. My thoughts are with his family.
This is the one for me. I have been waiting since before my kids were born for them to be old enough to pull this one out. They are getting close, probably just a few more years to go.
This is the one for me. I have been waiting since before my kids were born for them to be old enough to pull this one out. They are getting close, probably just a few more years to go.
Did you hear? The President of IKEA was recently elected to be the Prime Minister of Sweden. He's currently assembling his Cabinet. (this one needs to be spoken) What do you call a pig with four...
Did you hear? The President of IKEA was recently elected to be the Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his Cabinet.
(this one needs to be spoken) What do you call a pig with four eyes?
How much does a rainbow weigh? It's pretty light Two peanuts were walking down the road One was a salted Why does the little mermaid wear seashells? She's too big for B shells
How much does a rainbow weigh?
It's pretty light
Two peanuts were walking down the road
One was a salted
Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?
She's too big for B shells
I appreciate you making the distinction between Dad and uncle jokes. Dad jokes shouldn't really be dirty at all, but uncle jokes can and should have a tinge of that. I have a 5yo. I just became an...
I appreciate you making the distinction between Dad and uncle jokes.
Dad jokes shouldn't really be dirty at all, but uncle jokes can and should have a tinge of that.
I have a 5yo. I just became an uncle a few months ago. I'll be a triple uncle by the end of this year. I can't wait for my time to shine!
We used to read stone tablets, then we read parchment scrolls, and then we read paper books. But what's the next way people read? We scroll through books on tablets! If a one L lama is an...
We used to read stone tablets, then we read parchment scrolls, and then we read paper books. But what's the next way people read?
We scroll through books on tablets!
If a one L lama is an important monk, and a two L llama is a fuzzy animal, what's a three L-llama?
A big feckin' fiyah in Boston!
And I need to get my son with this since my dad would do this to me all the time - he would tell me it's going to snew outside.
I'd reply, "What's snew?"
Not much, what snew with you?
I work at a bank, and our vault is on the outer wall of the building. One really cold morning, like -5°F, I was pulling my drawer out for the day and I said "I've got cold hard cash for anyone who...
I work at a bank, and our vault is on the outer wall of the building. One really cold morning, like -5°F, I was pulling my drawer out for the day and I said "I've got cold hard cash for anyone who needs it today."
One of my favorites is more a chain of increasingly painful color themed jokes What's brown and sticky? A brown stick. What's green and sticky? A green stick What's blue and smells like red paint?...
One of my favorites is more a chain of increasingly painful color themed jokes
What's brown and sticky?
A brown stick.
What's green and sticky?
A green stick
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
Best if you terminate with something not so anti/dad-jokey at the end to come full circle
i think the answer to the first is just supposed to be "stick" and then "green stick". similar "how do you shoot an elephant? - with an elephant gun! How do you shoot a blue elephant... with a...
i think the answer to the first is just supposed to be "stick" and then "green stick".
similar "how do you shoot an elephant? - with an elephant gun!
How do you shoot a blue elephant... with a blue elepahant gun!
How do you shoot a green elephant? [green elephant gun?!?] NO! theres no such thing as a green elephant gun... you hold his nose until he turns blue and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun!"
"I'm hungry." "Hi, Hungry! I thought your name was <insert real name>." "In my head, I'm thinking <somethjng>" "That's interesting. Where else do you do your thinking?"
"I'm hungry."
"Hi, Hungry! I thought your name was <insert real name>."
"In my head, I'm thinking <somethjng>"
"That's interesting. Where else do you do your thinking?"
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila Whats it called when two prams collide? A creche Why are there no painkillers in the jungle? Because the Parrots eat em all
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
Tequila
Whats it called when two prams collide?
A creche
Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?
Because the Parrots eat em all
I know a couple of naughty ones. Two Vampires walk into a bar. One orders a glass of fresh blood. The other asks for a mug of hot water. The blood Vampire asks "why didn't you order blood too, are...
I know a couple of naughty ones.
Two Vampires walk into a bar. One orders a glass of fresh blood. The other asks for a mug of hot water.
The blood Vampire asks "why didn't you order blood too, are you alright?"
His friend pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, turns and says "it's OK, I bought a tea bag."
A friend of mine was out all night. He came into the kitchen at breakfast time because he had to tell me something.
"This new bar was amazing! The staff were gorgeous, great music and decent drinks. The best part is the solid gold urinals in the mens toilet!"
He was still going on about this 'amazing' bar when I hear a knock on the door. I leave him in the kitchen to answer it. It's a policeman and another gentleman I don't recognise, but looks very upset.
"Excuse me sir, would you be the gentleman who attended the Gala club last night?"
I shake my head, and ask what this is about. The policeman turns to the other guy.
"This is a musician who performed on stage at the club. He was playing saxophone when someone at this address climbed on stage and...well..."
My dad used to politely ask people if they wanted to see his pride & joy that gave his life meaning. He’s then pull out his wallet and show them this picture: https://ibb.co/chKgcZf It’s the most...
My dad used to politely ask people if they wanted to see his pride & joy that gave his life meaning. He’s then pull out his wallet and show them this picture: https://ibb.co/chKgcZf
Me to my kids: “Hey can you get me that under there?” while gesturing vaguely. Kids: under where? Me: Ha! You said underwear! Or this classic: What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?...
Me to my kids: “Hey can you get me that under there?” while gesturing vaguely.
Kids: under where?
Me: Ha! You said underwear!
Or this classic:
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Off-topic: If you (@azaadi), post your own joke in a comment, you'll be able to use the expandable sections formatting to hide the punch-line. For example: What's brown and sticky? A stick! EDIT:...
Off-topic: If you (@azaadi), post your own joke in a comment, you'll be able to use the expandable sections formatting to hide the punch-line.
For example:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
EDIT: This is not the main post. If you have a joke, it's better to post it as a top-level comment of its own, rather than attaching it to this comment (which is just a suggestion to the OP about how to share their joke).
For context, I'm American and my wife is from NZ.
At a point when we were long distance and having a Skype call, she made a comment about it sucking how far apart we were.
I said, "I blame Pangaea. Just couldn't keep it together!"
I laughed so hard at my own joke that she hung up on me.
We've been married seven years now, and I have yet to top that one.
As a geologist who also spent a bunch of time in a long-term long distance relationship I REALLY appreciate this joke.
I was just reading about some of the First Gentleman geologists. Their work was groundbreaking.
Hilarious!
My favourite for kids just old enough to understand is the reverse knock knock
Me: "Hey do you want to hear a knock knock joke?"
Hapless 8 year old: "Yeah!"
Me: "Ok, you start"
Hapless 8 year old: "knock knock"
Me: "Who's there?"
Hapless 8 year old: "..."
As for those, mine is still
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow
Interrup-
MOO!!
I like the ‘Interrupting starfish’ version where you hold your hand up in a ‘stop’ gesture at a polite distance from their face. with your fingers as wide apart as possible. :D
With my kids, I always do this with full (clean) hand applied to full (clean optional) face directly.
I like to follow this one up with:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting sloth.
Interrupting sloth who?
polite smiling
Interrupting sloth who?
polite smiling
Interrupting sloth whooo?
Moo.
Knock knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
<as condescendingly as possible> To whom.
This works on adults too.
Why do Peruvian owls fly in pairs?
Because they're Inca hoots.oh my god that’s fantastic.
I just woke up and was about to share that one. Lol! It's so good!
What is it? I feel like it's right in front of me.
In cahoots.
MY TIME HAS COME!
Did you hear that police forces are replacing old police dogs with young police cats? It's apparently an upgrade from K-9s to K-10s.
I have talent for identifying birds. To be fair it's usually pretty easy. If it's got a beak and wings it's a bird.
I'm trying to figure out who stole one of my boardgames. It's not the end of the world, but I literally don't have a Clue.
I got a book of 101 uses for WD-40. It's non-friction.
Wise caveman say, some months cold, summer hot.
Have you noticed that Ireland is one sea away from Iceland?
If a bull comes to your house trying to sell you a red cape, don't take it. He'll charge you a lot.
A guy was trying to sell me a broken protractor yesterday. I couldn't figure out what his angle was.
I tried to tie two ropes together, and found out I could knot.
Why did the hippie drown at sea? He was too far out, man.
I say no when friends ask me to go fishing.. because there's usually a catch.
Are you tired? There's a nap for that.
I went to the emergency room with a stomach ache last night and the doctor was like, "what happened and when did the pain start?". I said "Ate a clock"
I've just been prescribed anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.
I just heard this one.
Where do they send bad rainbows?
Prism.They get a light sentence, though.
It gives them time to reflect.
My favorite dad jokes are the ones that are apparent.
But they're not truly great until they're full groan.
That's a really underrated one!
I have so many and my kids absolutely hate them, I use them repetitively on purpose. I love hearing the groans and sighs before I deliver the punchlines, or they finish them in unison.
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
He went down the road and turned into a field.
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre.
Not sure what stage you're at (why would I?), so I'll issue you with my patented 'good luck and/or congratulations!?'
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says “I think I’m a Type O”.
What's a pirates favorite letter?
"I dunno, R?"
No, his first love will always be the "C"
What's a pirate's favorite vegetable?
Arrrrugula!!What's a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant?
Arrrby's!What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table?
GOLD!Sorry, I used to be a pirate at Disney World
Totally thought the last one was gonna be ARRRRgon
What is a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
The Navy.Hey, hello fellow former cast member! I used to work at Pecos Bill, and got intimately familiar with the word "howdy".
I worked in 3/4 parks, mostly in attractions. Started in 07 on Sunset at Studios, working Tower and Coaster. then became a pirate at The Pirate's League from around 2010-2012, and did a brief stint at Epcot at The Seas.
I haven't worked for Disney since 2016 but I still live near the parks and frequent them. Congrats on making it through Disney food service, I don't think I'd have the fortitude to last long there. When did you serve?
You were proper Disney then! I did a semester of the Disney College Program in 2010. Met my wife there's too. Started as housekeeping at the Polynesian, was utterly awful but they liked me, and they transferred me to Magic Kingdom after that.
Honestly wasn't that bad. Hours weren't terrible, fellow cast members were great. Boss even let me keep a 5 dollar tip, a thing we were explicitly told not to take.
But after that semester, the chance for extending it came up, and I was so done. I don't think I've ever been more tired.
Man, you got around. I really would've liked to work at Epcot in retrospect. Such a cool place.
I masterfully presented this to my son over a period of weeks. What's a pirate's favourite letter?
Week 1: R! (Arrrrrrrrgh matey)
Week 2 he says "R!" and I say, no his first love is the "C".
Week 3 he says "The C" and I say, no "X" because X marks the spot.
Week 4 he says "X" and I say no, "P" because without it he's just Irate.
Week 5 he says, "I dunno, X? C. P! R? Shut up!" and I say "Well it's actually F, but since you're not interested I won't tell you why."
There's no answer for F. It drove him bananas for a week.
Lol. Gold
I keep telling this joke and always love people tripping over the third part:
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they aaaaaaarrr!
Where do they go shopping?
At the supermaaaaaaarket!
And how do they get there?
(Gesticulate like you're steering a wheel and lead them into saying...)
...By caaaaaaaaaaar?
No, by boat! They're pirates!
Almost guaranteed a massive eyeroll.
These two are near and dear to me:
I bought a pen that can write underwater. It can write other words, too.
The man who stole my journal died today. My thoughts are with his family.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.Went to a zoo. They only had one animal. It was a shih tzu.
Oh my entire gosh, I’ve only ever heard that one out loud, and never made the connection… thank you!
This is the one for me. I have been waiting since before my kids were born for them to be old enough to pull this one out. They are getting close, probably just a few more years to go.
Did you know diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your genes
.
Did you hear? The President of IKEA was recently elected to be the Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his Cabinet.
(this one needs to be spoken) What do you call a pig with four eyes?
P-i-i-i-i-g! (draw out that i-sound)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
make a sort of explosive Fsh! sound
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Ayyyyyye Matey!
How much does a rainbow weigh?
It's pretty lightTwo peanuts were walking down the road
One was a saltedWhy does the little mermaid wear seashells?
She's too big for B shellsMore of an uncle joke, but it's my son's favourite joke. He's 8.
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo Bees!I appreciate you making the distinction between Dad and uncle jokes.
Dad jokes shouldn't really be dirty at all, but uncle jokes can and should have a tinge of that.
I have a 5yo. I just became an uncle a few months ago. I'll be a triple uncle by the end of this year. I can't wait for my time to shine!
What did the fish say when he hit a wall?
Dam
What do you call a fish with no i's?
Fsh
What’s the neighbor of USA?
USBWhat do Computers take to get drunk?
ScreenshotsScientists found out,
but went back inside.We used to read stone tablets, then we read parchment scrolls, and then we read paper books. But what's the next way people read?
We scroll through books on tablets!If a one L lama is an important monk, and a two L llama is a fuzzy animal, what's a three L-llama?
A big feckin' fiyah in Boston!And I need to get my son with this since my dad would do this to me all the time - he would tell me it's going to snew outside.
I'd reply, "What's snew?"
Not much, what snew with you?I work at a bank, and our vault is on the outer wall of the building. One really cold morning, like -5°F, I was pulling my drawer out for the day and I said "I've got cold hard cash for anyone who needs it today."
One of my favorites is more a chain of increasingly painful color themed jokes
What's brown and sticky?
A brown stick.
What's green and sticky?
A green stick
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
Best if you terminate with something not so anti/dad-jokey at the end to come full circle
Did you hear about the tanker carrying blue paint that collided with a tanker carrying red paint? Both crews were marooned.
i think the answer to the first is just supposed to be "stick" and then "green stick".
similar "how do you shoot an elephant? - with an elephant gun!
How do you shoot a blue elephant... with a blue elepahant gun!
How do you shoot a green elephant? [green elephant gun?!?] NO! theres no such thing as a green elephant gun... you hold his nose until he turns blue and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun!"
Not quite a dad joke, but I'm partial to "what's brown and rhymes with snoop?"
Classic
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter
So this is a day overdue, but:
Do you know why there aren’t any knock knock jokes about the Fourth of July?
It’s because freedom rings.
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third one ducked.Where do you take someone who has been injured in a peek-a-boo incident?
To the ICUClassic!
What is grey and cannot swim?
A Castle.
"I'm hungry."
"Hi, Hungry! I thought your name was <insert real name>."
"In my head, I'm thinking <somethjng>"
"That's interesting. Where else do you do your thinking?"
I like to bust these ones out when there's a lull in the conversation.
You know what's funny?
Comedy
You know what's scary?
Horror.
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?
TequilaWhats it called when two prams collide?
A crecheWhy are there no painkillers in the jungle?
Because the Parrots eat em allWhen does winter arrive?
When fall leaves.
I know a couple of naughty ones.
Two Vampires walk into a bar. One orders a glass of fresh blood. The other asks for a mug of hot water.
The blood Vampire asks "why didn't you order blood too, are you alright?"
His friend pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, turns and says "it's OK, I bought a tea bag."
A friend of mine was out all night. He came into the kitchen at breakfast time because he had to tell me something.
"This new bar was amazing! The staff were gorgeous, great music and decent drinks. The best part is the solid gold urinals in the mens toilet!"
He was still going on about this 'amazing' bar when I hear a knock on the door. I leave him in the kitchen to answer it. It's a policeman and another gentleman I don't recognise, but looks very upset.
"Excuse me sir, would you be the gentleman who attended the Gala club last night?"
I shake my head, and ask what this is about. The policeman turns to the other guy.
"This is a musician who performed on stage at the club. He was playing saxophone when someone at this address climbed on stage and...well..."
a ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve food here"
From Mayor West: "I bought this laptop here yesterday, but when I got home I noticed the apple already had a bite taken out of it!"
My dad used to politely ask people if they wanted to see his pride & joy that gave his life meaning. He’s then pull out his wallet and show them this picture: https://ibb.co/chKgcZf
It’s the most gleeful I’ve ever seen him.
This is spectacularly funny.
I loved it, but the absolute glee he would radiate was even better.
Me to my kids: “Hey can you get me that under there?” while gesturing vaguely.
Kids: under where?
Me: Ha! You said underwear!
Or this classic:
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese
Off-topic: If you (@azaadi), post your own joke in a comment, you'll be able to use the expandable sections formatting to hide the punch-line.
For example:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
EDIT: This is not the main post. If you have a joke, it's better to post it as a top-level comment of its own, rather than attaching it to this comment (which is just a suggestion to the OP about how to share their joke).
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
Exceptional!
Also love its relative: what’s brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr Dre.
You might want to post your joke as a top-level comment, for better visibility.
What's red and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket.