• Activity
  • Votes
  • Comments
  • New
  • All activity
  • Showing only topics with the tag "transgender". Back to normal view
    1. I'm getting top surgery!

      I know I've seen a bunch of people say they want more positive posts here in ~lgbt, and happily I have the opportunity now! I live in Germany and here top surgery needs to be individually approved...

      I know I've seen a bunch of people say they want more positive posts here in ~lgbt, and happily I have the opportunity now!

      I live in Germany and here top surgery needs to be individually approved by your insurance provider for them to cover it. I got a letter back from them on Monday agreeing to cover it, and as of today the hospital scheduled my surgery for late March! I was expecting a lot more delay between getting the approval from my insurance and when the surgery could be scheduled (especially after the months it took to gather all the paperwork I had to send my insurance!), so I'm super hype.

      My work will give me all the time I need off, and I live with my wife who should be able to take over any tasks I can't do during recovery. As much as I complain about how trans healthcare works in Germany atm, I wouldn't have been able to get this surgery back home in the US for cost reasons. So I'm feeling really lucky right now -- my transmasc friend in college had to save up for years to afford their surgery.

      I'd love any recommendations anyone has for how to make my recovery as easy and comfortable as possible. I've got transmasc friends who have got top surgery, but most of what I've got from them has been "take more time off work than I did" and "drains suck". The surgery is in only a little over a month, so longer-term stuff like "get to a healthy weight" and "gain pectoral muscle to get a better aesthetic" are probably off the table, but I welcome anyone's practical recommendations! Obviously I'll get instructions from the doctor but I figure there are likely people here with personal experience who might have suggestions that a doctor wouldn't think to mention.

      Also, I'm getting double-incision (only real option at my size) and atm I'm erring on the side of not getting nipple grafts. Not a huge fan of my nipples and I want to avoid any potential complications or dissatisfaction with them. I figure if I regret it I can always get nipple tattoos, whereas if I get the grafts and regret it there's not a ton of options. If anybody here has personal experience one way or the other, I'd really love to hear your perspective.

      But most importantly, I'm just so excited that things are finally moving forward at a brisk pace! It's like finally getting the opportunity to stop and take a sharp rock out of the inside of my shoe.

      EDIT TO ADD: oh god I just realized how am I going to keep my cats from lying on my chest

      86 votes
    2. Final update on Brianna Ghey

      Was debating whether or not to post this at all on account of this discussion about "the latest horrid thing" in relation to LGBT+ people. But I decided to post anyway as I think this update is...

      Was debating whether or not to post this at all on account of this discussion about "the latest horrid thing" in relation to LGBT+ people. But I decided to post anyway as I think this update is important - and I have made sure to use the tags suggested in that thread. And I cannot emphasize enough that this is about an extremely disturbing hate crime so only click if you can deal with that:

      CONTENT WARNING
      • AP News: 16-year-old killers of transgender teenager in England sentenced for ‘sadistic’ murder

      The two 16-year-old convicted murderers of a transgender teenager in northwest England nearly a year ago were handed life sentences Friday with minimum prison terms of 20 and 22 years.

      The horrific murder shocked the nation. Ghey was stabbed with a hunting knife 28 times in her head, neck, chest and back in broad daylight after being lured to a park in the town of Warrington on Feb. 11, 2023.

      “You will only be released, if in the future, it is decided you no longer present a danger,” the judge said. “You both took part in a brutal and planned murder, which was sadistic in nature, and a secondary motivation was hostility to Brianna, because of her transgender identity.”

      • Pink News: Brianna Ghey’s teen killers named as pair sentenced for trans girl’s murder

      As he read his victim impact statement at Manchester Crown Court, Brianna’s father Peter Spooner described Jenkinson and Ratcliffe as “pure evil.”

      “Now my world has been torn apart. Justice may have been done but no amount of time in prison will be enough for these monsters,” he said.

      “I cannot call them children because that makes them sound naive or vulnerable, which they are not – they are pure evil. Brianna was the vulnerable one.”

      • BBC: Brianna Ghey: 'My daughter was fearless to be who she wanted to be' (Dec. 20)

      The heartbroken mother of Brianna Ghey has said she will never get over the death of her "fearless" daughter, which has left a hole in her heart.

      Speaking before the verdicts, Esther Ghey said she would never forget her daughter's unwavering bravery.

      "She was fearless to be whoever she wanted to be," she told the BBC.

      "She wanted to identify as a female, and she wanted to wear girls' school uniform.

      "She just did it - it wasn't a hurdle at all for her."

      • The Guardian: ‘Truly sorry’: family of Brianna Ghey murderer pay tribute to mother

      In a statement to the Warrington Guardian, Jenkinson’s family said: “All of our thoughts are for Brianna and her family.

      “The last 12 months have been beyond our worst nightmares as we have come to realise the brutal truth of Scarlett’s actions. We agree with the jury’s verdict, the judge’s sentence and the decision to name the culprits.”

      After the killers were convicted, Brianna’s mother, Esther Ghey, called for “empathy and compassion” for their families as “they too have lost a child” and “must live the rest of their lives knowing what their child has done”.

      Jenkinson’s family, saying their lives had been left “in turmoil”, thanked Brianna’s mother for her “incredible selflessness and empathy towards our family”.

      “Her compassion is overwhelming and we are forever grateful,” they said. “To all of Brianna’s family and friends, our community and everyone else that has been affected by this horror, we are truly sorry.”

      20 votes
    3. A rant about my father

      The whole narcissism/NPD thing gets talked about so much these days. I don't know if my father has that. But he no doubt has many of those qualities as he is extremely self absorbed, has been...

      The whole narcissism/NPD thing gets talked about so much these days. I don't know if my father has that. But he no doubt has many of those qualities as he is extremely self absorbed, has been neglectful throughout my life, and is incapable of looking inwards.

      There's a lot of back story but hopefully it's enough to say that I have had a strained relationship to my father since I came out as a transgender woman 5 years ago. Everyone else are able to use my new name and gender me correctly, like nobody ever makes a mistake anymore (and mistakes are okay in the beginning because it's new and confusing for everyone). But he continuously says the wrong thing and at times also does it on purpose if he's angry with me for whatever reason.

      So the last time I saw him was 3 months ago for a day of golfing with him and my brother, where the first few words he said to me outside of hello was calling me "drengerøv" - literally "boyass". The closest word in English is probably something like boy scout, asshole, or a gendered version of smart-ass. He wanted to get back at me for saying "hi old man" which I feel is a pretty normal thing to say to one's father and also he is 75 years old? But sure, maybe it was cheeky of me. I can see that. So I would have laughed if he called me a bitch or something. But his response was the final drop in the bucket for me because this is after so many conversations about deadnaming and misgendering these last several years. Months do pass without error, but then something like this happens out of the blue time and time again. For those of you who are also transgender, you know how traumatizing it can be. I have nightmares about him.

      So anyway the reason for my need to rant here is that three weeks ago, he texted that he wanted to come visit me, but I wrote back that I don't want to see him on account of how it went last time. He didn't reply until now, and I am just kind of in disbelief about how much of a non-apology it is. And it brings me back to the narcissism thing and something called DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. He is always the victim no matter what. If he deadnamed or misgendered me in the past, it is always "well I was tired," or "I am very stressed," never an actual apology. And sure enough, this time it isn't either - he actually did use the word apologize a couple of times, but it felt like it was in the context of him feeling bad and being depressed about it rather than truly sorry.

      He for example wrote "I spoke to my psychologist and he fully understands that I feel like shit about being rejected by you" and "I am so nervous and afraid of doing the wrong thing again".

      Do you notice how it's all about him? Blaming me for rejecting him? How terrible and awful it is for him? In the words of Emily Blunt... You don't get to commit sin, and then ask all of us to feel sorry for you when there are consequences. I just don't fucking care. I'm done feeling sorry for the man who is supposed to be a father figure. Trying to make me feel bad about his fuckups is just... ugh.

      And knowing him, he probably wasn't honest with his psychologist about the situation in the first place because he always engineers situations to make himself look good. Even at his brother's funeral, my uncle, his speech was about being the boss of a hundred people in a company back in the day while kind of making fun of how silly it was that my uncle was a communist. My father is just completely incapable of being honest with himself and truly reflect about his behavior. These are all the same reasons my mom divorced him 10+ years ago, feeling very neglected by him. Even this he managed to years later turn on its head and refer to as "the time your mother failed me", like it is just ironic how he always does this and also unbelievable that he cannot himself realize it.

      So I think I'm pretty much done at this point. I almost always have to take the high road while he just continues to do his own thing without much of a care in the world until the consequences finally catch up with him. Everything about my relationship with him the last 5 years has been awful. Even if I wasn't queer, he still wouldn't truly care about me - anytime we've had lunch or something, we only ever talk about him. He would only ask how I was doing to be polite. It got to the point that if we talked on the phone, I would time how long it took for him to start talking about himself and it was rarely more than half a minute. One time, I didn't even manage to answer, like he didn't even pause after asking the question before going on to talk about his own shit.

      Another great example of this idiocy is when I woke up from anesthesia earlier this year after having triple jaw surgery. One of the first things he tried to talk about was how lucky he was that he found a good parking spot while I was literally in the middle of throwing up blood. I had tears in my eyes and my stomach was convulsing and I looked probably the worst he's ever seen me, and yet all he does is wrinkle his nose in disgust, turn to my mom (who, being sane, of course completely ignored him) and smiling while bragging about something as mundane as parking. Who does that? What the fuck!?

      I have been typing for more than an hour at this point so it's probably unhealthy to continue lol, sorry, and thank you for reading my rambling if you actually made it this far.

      32 votes
    4. T-shirt collars ride up on neck after top surgery?

      Hey all! Long time no see. So, I'm dealing with a problem that I can't find many other people having online and I thought I would ask you very well informed people. So, I recently got a double...

      Hey all! Long time no see.
      So, I'm dealing with a problem that I can't find many other people having online and I thought I would ask you very well informed people.

      So, I recently got a double mastectomy, went from I believe C cups to an extremely flat chest.
      Since then, I've had quite the trouble with shirts, specifically t-shirts.

      They never did this before, but now, the shirt collar rides up on my throat every few minutes. It doesn't seem to matter too much what the size is, large or medium(the 2 sizes of shirts that I regularly wear).
      Of course, they also fit looser, but I expected that.
      Is this causing the shirts to ride up? Is there any way I can fix this?
      Additional, may or may not be relevant details:
      I have been on testosterone for 2 years, so could it have something to do with mass increase around my shoulders/neck?
      My weight is around 210lbs, and I'm 5'7/5'8.

      If anyone knows anything, or could point me to a better place to ask this question I would really appreciate your insight!

      23 votes
    5. Trans identity and the gender binary

      Hi! I would like to take a moment to expand my understanding of an aspect of queer culture that I have some trouble with. I'd like to preface this by saying that, while I consider myself to be...

      Hi! I would like to take a moment to expand my understanding of an aspect of queer culture that I have some trouble with. I'd like to preface this by saying that, while I consider myself to be queer in the broader sense, I also pass as a cishet male. That being said, I'm going to express myself honestly in the hopes that someone will be able to give me an honest to what might read as bigoted. Putting everything else in a detail box:

      Questions on the 'validity' of trans identity Basically - I understand gender to be social construct based on expected roles for biological males and females undertake in a traditional society. While there is some validity to the stereotypes on a biological level, I figure that most people should be able to understand that they exist in many places on the spectrum of masculine to feminine traits. People who are queer generally do not fit into these stereotypes and experience ostracization from those who cannot escape the mental paradigm of the gender binary.

      Is trans identity more than a product of societal gender roles? I don't understand where the root of the dysphoria could be other than not fitting into the stereotypes of your assigned gender. How could someone come to understand that their body feels "wrong" to them without learning that from something outside of their internal experience (i.e. perceiving gender roles and feeling like oneself is more aligned to the opposite pole than the one they're assigned to?) What is the benefit in choosing to identify as transgender (which reinforces gender roles through buying into them) versus choosing to eschew the gender binary entirely and identifying with / presenting as genderfluid or non-binary?

      39 votes
    6. My experience of transphobia today: "Ew, fucking gross, that's a man"

      Said to my friend while we were minding our own business yesterday when walking from A to B in the city. For this old bigoted man that we happened to walk past, simply (gasp) looking at a trans...

      Said to my friend while we were minding our own business yesterday when walking from A to B in the city. For this old bigoted man that we happened to walk past, simply (gasp) looking at a trans person was too much for him. How dare she go outside while being transgender? Nope, gotta call that out! Gotta tell this stranger that I find her disgusting! That's super important and I am doing the right thing..!

      At least, that's what I imagine his train of thought was like. Who knows.

      Blows my mind that people can't just keep homophobia/transphobia to themselves. For reference, there was no pride event or anything, like we weren't dressed in kinky outfits, we weren't waving dildos around or something. Not that being dressed a certain way would have excused his behavior, but it's just to say we were wearing very normal clothing and looked decidedly ordinary and neutral. The only thing that revealed to this guy that my friend is trans is that she hasn't done voice training. She passes perfectly fine outside of that, and so do I - we've both been on hormones and transitioning for 3-4 years.

      So perhaps the crime we committed was to make him think we weren't transgender? And then he heard her voice, and felt fooled? I suppose to him, it's the end of the world if he was accidentally attracted to a trans woman if even for a second.

      My friend thankfully doesn't let this kind of stuff get to her. She grew up extremely conservative (her family still has a "don't ask, don't tell" policy for example) so she's always had nerves of steel to deal with everything, and I'm glad for her that she can shut this kind of stuff out. I really admire her for how strong she is and how she's able to always persevere. She's probably already forgotten about it but for me, I need to work on similarly not letting this stuff get to me. The man wasn't even talking to/about me but I think the reason I'm so upset about it is that it may just as well have been said to me.

      I'm trying to focus on the good, and to not let one vile person ruin it. Because me and my friend had such a nice day together.

      69 votes
    7. Even with the reactionary backlash, trans acceptance has been the one good news in this millennium

      I sorta think pretty much everything else have been a downward spirel since this millennium was kickstarted with 9/11. Just a random thought! The speed with which trans women moved from being...

      I sorta think pretty much everything else have been a downward spirel since this millennium was kickstarted with 9/11. Just a random thought! The speed with which trans women moved from being perverted men to moderately tolerated members of society is staggering. Anyone here know why and when it happened?

      If we look at Google Ngram for 'trans people' we see an upward curve after 2000 (the internet I guess) but it really took off somewhere after 2010.

      40 votes