52
votes
What are you working through?
A loss
A problem
A struggle
An emotion
Something difficult
Something perplexing
Something that takes a lot of effort
Something that doesn't fit neatly into an easy description
What are you working through, and how is it going?
I’m a software developer and I’m really struggling with accepting that I get paid to produce no actual value to anyone. I’m not given enough time to think about what I’m doing and do it the right way, I’m only given time to produce flaky slop that breaks in production because its rushed and not well thought out and everyone around me is producing the same level of code. Production is on fire every day and theres no end in sight.
This isn’t the first time Ive been rushed. Ive been rushed at every single company Ive ever worked for and during the boom in 2020-2021 I hopped jobs twice trying to find one that wouldn’t rush me and when I did, the startup got gobbled up by a giant tech company who then rushed me. I love software development, but I feel stuck. My current company cares more about telling people we have an AI product than it does about actually having a good working AI product.
Is there any software developer out there right now who’s actually happy at their job?
I work in technology, not a software developer, but work with a lot of them. I used to feel that way too, because I used to work for an extremely big bank, and I knew all of my rushed, frantic efforts only existed to make some rich fucks a few more dollars, and I wasn't given enough time or resources to do it because they wanted a few more dollars.
I work for a local government now, and the pay isn't as good, but I actually feel like I'm doing things that makes people's lives at least marginally better.
I'm still rushed and frantic, but at least I'm rushed and frantic because we have a limited budget that I can fully inspect every aspect of. I can see that fire trucks, new park equipment, fixing potholes, and renovating community centers are competing with the resources that I use, and all of those things are objectively important too. I'm not slaving away to make a handful of people rich.
I didn't think that doing the same thing but for a different purpose would matter that much, but it turns out, for me at least, it matters a lot.
I wanna just be less rushed and frantic though? Like I feel like its a me problem, if I could just calm down and do a shit job and take their money like everyone else I’ll be set
I'm not sure where you are in your career, but I felt much the same way, and received much the same advice as others in the thread (e.g. "be thankful you have a good job", "other jobs don't matter don't let it get to you", "think about how you're helping your coworkers", etc.). Anyways, long story short, I pushed myself until I was a couple steps away from some unrecoverable choices, then bailed out of the industry.
Anecdote != data, but consider that there could be a survivorship bias applying to the "grin and bear it; you're the problem" genre of advice. Having an internal locus of control is great in many circumstances, but when the circumstances are genuinely unchangeable, it can shred your soul. There are other jobs out there -- they pay worse, and the physical labour is greater -- but if you genuinely cannot bear yours, they do exist, and might be a better fit.
Yes exactly! Like, accepting things the way they are does actually feel like shredding my soul. Now that you put it that way it feels a lot like how I felt in high school when I was in the closet.
I do have a hail mary I’m working on, and my boss seems like he’s trying to help me, and I have been looking for other jobs but I’m not really sure what I’m qualified to do besides what I’m doing.
Yes definitely do not push yourself to anywhere near the breaking point. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear in my other comment about "doing more" for a "second job": make your real life your true job, devote yourself to a shelter volunteer kitten or houseplant, start a community garden box, sign up to be Big Brother/Sister, join amateur theatre... Honestly anything other than work. Shrink the stink: if you can't fix the work dumpster fire, live the rest of your day doing something better so the suck is a smaller part of it.
I'm older now and watching so many people my age burn out or come down with mysterious nervous system illness or CPTSD or something. You are so much more than the shitty code they're making you ship. Take good care of yourself <3
I’m into permaculture, but progress is very very slow cause I have to work all the time and have little energy for anything else.
I know I need to get out, its just I’m autistic, and Ive never worked a job that doesn’t take up all of my energy just to function at the same level as everyone else. Software developing was supposed to be the safe job for me, working on something I love around people who are like me.
What I really want is a job that requires less of me, but theres no such thing as a part time software developer. You can work on contracted projects one at a time with with no vacation or health benefits and take a break between jobs but thats the best there is.
I’m only holding on cause right now I actually make enough money to maybe retire when I burn out and not have to go back. I just need like 15 more years.
This whole thread really speaks to where I'm at and working through, too. I wasn't exactly which comment to attach my thoughts to - both op and papasquat's perspectives align somewhat with my current experience, and it's comforting to know I'm not alone.
But, I wanted thank you for sharing that article on locus of control. I'm trying to hang on to my job for a little while longer for financial reasons, and it's a really good reminder that this is my decision to do so; I've already been trying to find strength, and hope I can also find some peace, in that choice being mine.
No worries! These're tumultuous times, so I'm glad to have helped a little bit.
This kind of attitude comes with age, maybe, or when you have a "second job" that's so much more important, you won't care about phoning it in anymore. It sounds backwards, that the key to feeling less rushed is to do even more. But when I had more going on in life, I learned to push back and draw boundaries and tell clients/managers no can't be done or it'll take X days to do it right or for that timeline please be aware even the most basic quality checks will be out of scope. It's not that I can't, it's that they're not paying for it, wash my hands, wear a long shirt. Sometimes having barely working flimflam is exactly what they want though: these are cardboard cut out props to be used for a throwaway skit, instead of a sturdy wooden balcony for Juliet to stand on.
It sounds terrible, and of course like @papasquat said find a better organization.
For example I liked working at a medical tech company: everything gets checked over 4-5 times and documented to high heavens. Every single line of code being traceable. Maybe try that direction: well regulated mission critical industries.
But if they're paying for rushed portfolio padding nonsense then that's what they get.
I know the thing that has to change is me, I’m just struggling to get there.
I tell myself the trashy product we have on fire has nothing to do with me or my skills, I did a good job, we all did a good job, my boss says I did a good job.
But I really just want to go outside and prep my garden. I look out the window and hate the birds, sometimes. Thats gotten worse as Ive gotten older. The more I distance myself from the results of my work, the more I know my time would have been better spent sweeping the kitchen or something.
In the late 90's, for the first three years out of college, not a single damn thing I worked on ever shipped. Either the company went out of business, pivoted in a way that made my work irrelevant, or the C-suite just threw darts one day at the cancel-o-matic board and my project's number came up.
Just as maddening to me as this was, was the realization that 90% of the people I worked with DGAF about any of this.
In my case, I quit software and became an IT consultant. It's still maddening most days, but at least I get to talk to interesting people, and hopping between industries is fun, you never know what you're going to learn!
I guess I’m grateful that at least what I worked on shipped but like they woulda shipped a hamster on a wheel if it called itself AI I feel like.
Sometimes when I'm bored at work I think about an elevator operator or a wheel of fortune light person or a sign spinner. What do some job actually do for society? But we get paid, and that's where we go back to our real lives where we are truly irreplaceable, where our impact have life long positive affects or eternal consequences. I understand that considering how much time out of our lives we spend at work that feels rough, though, I hope the rest of your day more than make up for it.
When I think like this I just get angry that I have to waste so many hours of my life cause society doesn’t care about my actual value as a human
Capitalist society makes it harder, for sure. Challenge yourself to care about your coworkers actual value as a human while at work: take more interest in them as people, be curious about their lives outside of the rushed and stupid work, and aim to brighten their day a little even if it's just an extra hi or how'd the thing with the thing go last week. If I'm trapped for 40 hours a week doing nonsense anyway, having "cell mates" become better friends make the sentence easier to pass.
Pretend your job is any of those ultra boring crazy inefficient things ancient people did all day every day forever : fetching water with a leaky wooden pail, spinning fiber, hand washing and drying laundry, walking for hours outside in the sun and rain, camping out waiting for prey, literally whittling sticks, weaving fish nets all winter.... None of those tasks contributed to the "tech stack" or made medical advances for thousands of years. What they did do, though, was talk to each other while they did these mind numbing tasks that must be done again tomorrow. Thats where the value really is, fellow humans.
Even the best most well written software that changes the world only has meaning because it can make another human feel better about their day. And you can already do that at work.
Yeah I think that is the thing working from home kinda killed, I don’t really chit chat with my coworkers any more. Its rare that anyone tells me how they feel these days.
I did manage to get some attention out of the newbies cause I did a presentation on our shitty testing process and how we could improve it and the two newest members were like “thank you! We have been telling everyone this process sucks and no one listens!” Haha
Oh wow you're the star senpai now OvO feels good doesn't it hahaha feel free to check in with them every now and then and see how they're doing. I find that some newbies are too intimidated to ask their lead or managers for help, and feel more comfortable with folks on the same "tier". As long as they're not being lazy and leaning on you too much, it's kinda fun to show the kids the ropes
I kinda try not to take on too much of the training work cause while it’s a nice change of pace its really incredibly draining for me and on days I spend more than about an hour talking to people I have no energy left to do any of my own tasks and I end up behind for the next day.
That presentation basically stole two working days from me. I needed to have this other thing done last week and now its not done cause too many people were talking to me
Sorry to hear it.
It makes me wonder whether, if this is the lived experience for lots of people, whether those are the folks who develop and maintain community tools outside of work.
I took my present job after making a firm decision to exit an industry that would 90% of the time see my work sit on the shelf.
What are your thoughts about taking your skills to a workplace where your efforts are built to deploy rather than built to consider?
I’m not sure what you mean, right now my issue is that the timelines my company forces on me has me pushing shit code that I’m not proud of to production. Its like if every time you did the dishes, you only had 5 seconds, so the dishes you did were still dirty so you and your guests just have to eat off dirty dishes.
Basically whether another employer with a different production or business model would give you what you're not currently getting.
I'm not wise to your industry by any stretch, but aren't there smaller teams or companies who develop software for clients that has to be finished correctly? Outfits that have to rely on their developers to do the level QC and pride driven work that you're looking for?
Just spitballing.
I’ve tried an online ordering shop, a bank, a mortgage company, an ai startup and now an analytics company and they all had the same problems to varying degrees. Either they cant release new software at all or they put crap into production, the only in between I ever found was the startup who could do everything except sell their product.
The only kind of software shop I haven’t tried is contracting for the us government and I have a feeling that would be a shit show too.
How about the public sector? State colleges, local government, state government? It's different here in Canada, but I've worked for a large research university for a while now and it's awesome
I apply to those sometimes and never hear back. I think I have to know someone.
Theres also credit unions, but I would have to move to their headquarters and I like where I live.
Late to the convo, but I'm pretty content.
First off, my goal when finding a career was finding something I truly wanted to do for a job and could provide a good living. I got that. So I'm happy in that sense.
Second, my company runs pretty well. It's a small privately owned firm that is tech based. It's on the slightly larger side of a "small company" if that makes sense. They manage to balance the realities of what our team can produce and the customer needs pretty well. There's still fires and unavoidable priorities, but processes adjust to what works well for us. Also I'm full remote and we rarely do video calls. Mostly just audio morning meetings. So that's awesome.
I learned early on, that a well run company/team is worth it even with less pay than another company that runs like crap with a higher salary. I'd say my pay and benefits are about average, but I like where I work and who I work for.
Also working for a company whose profits come directly from tech sales or service makes a huge difference. As opposed to a company whose profits come from something else like opening franchises, but their work is dependent on software. The former understands the importance of developing software the best way possible vs prioritizing cost saving and not listening to developers.
So all thay to say, where you work matters. If you have the experience, then looking for a team or company that has better management is what you might need. It's not easy, but worth it if you can manage, it will make a lot of difference. That should solve the chaotic-ness of it all at least.
I thought I had landed in a spot similar to yours when I took this job, the company is pretty large but its still a tech company. I figured a tech company would care about the quality of the products it releases, but, ai hype happened and now we release shit that sounds great on paper but doesn’t really work
Oh that sucks! That's partly why I try to avoid public and/or large companies. Always need ways to drive up profits. The AI thing seems unavoidable though. Even my small company uses it, but only for R&D.
It's not local government, but I work for a small government contractor composed of a lot of people who used to work in government. Some projects are rushed, but most in my experience are slower paced "move slow and try not to break things" kinds of roles.
There are tradeoffs. Sometimes things are so slow or bogged down by bureaucracy, it's hard to get any meaningful change done. Pay isn't as good as private sector. I've been in this space for 6+ years now and overall I'm happy that many of the products I build are free/public and built to serve the common citizen. Also, I'm less stressed when compared to working in the private sector.
How did you find that job?
I found my current job through referral because many folks from my old employer (also a gov contractor) moved to this company. But I got started with this career path by complete chance after blindly applying to one of the larger gov contractors in my country, and then learning more about this type of work. The terms to search for are "civic tech" or "gov tech". While there are some companies that are contractors to government agencies, there are also actual government agency roles (these are most likely in-person, however), or private companies that build software for government.
My life is at a weird transition nexus of more than one thing happening at once.
My dad died in April.
My house is being built.
I've started an apprenticeship that will lead to a real career.
I flipped my car two weeks ago and walked away not only unscathed, but a long term misalignment in my shoulder got realigned, leaving me in less pain than I've been in for years.
I definitely should have at least been maimed for the severity of the crash.
My band has reached a whole new level of performance and collaboration.
I'm loved and valued in my community.
I'm just starting to understand and contend with my CPTSD and it's been convoluted and at times overwhelming, but worth the investment in myself.
I'm having to wittness my friends and family come to terms with the brokenness of our governments and societies of which I've been aware and writing about for over a decade.
My music unfortunately becomes more relevant with each passing day.
Extreme home chiropractics. Your dad was looking out for you there. Glad you're okay.
Oof. The worst part of being a prophet screaming at the wind is being right.
Quite a bit. A lot that I don't feel like exploring here, right now, but suffice to say it's profoundly changing my life. Long term good, but short term intense pain and stress.
More immediately, two things. I have my last formal observation coming up soon - this decides if the school wants to keep me or let me go after this contract period. My odds look good, but I'm terrified if I do poorly. Everyone says I'll be fine. I'm stressed out.
I also have been working up to reconnecting with two friends (a couple) I've known a long time. We spent our twenties living together, and had a falling out 8 years ago because of decisions I made. One of them kept in tenuous contact over the years, and I hate burning bridges. We've slowly been working to meet again, and today it happened. I got to see my best friend again for the first time in nearly a decade, and met his amazing kids.
I hope to make things right.
Reconnecting with old pals is always a wild one. You have so much invested in your view of them, your friendship and what could have been leading up to the meeting and once it happens, the present trickles in.
For better, for worse or for neutral, all of that old stuff is put in a new context that has the potential to dissolve old new baggage and start a new, create new baggage if there's unresolved stuff or... Reveal that the past is the past and everybody is better off seeing it as that.
I hope that, whatever the outcome, the interaction brings clarity on how to move forward.
You're right, of course. A new framing is necessary. We both have families now, we both have moved on from the frivolous pursuits of our youth and have more complex goals we're working to achieve. Yet still, it was wild to me how similar we still are to who we were. Grown, changed, but deep down still true to ourselves.
I'm glad to have them in my life. They're some of my oldest friends and we've gone through a lot together.
Friends with a history and a future are the best kind!
I had a similar falling out when I went through a manic period in my early twenties. I went and got treatment, therapy, and haven’t had another manic period in ten years but I still don’t think I want that friend in my life any more.
I just feel like if we were to be friends at this point it would only be for resolution and not to actually be their friend.
Thats just my situation, I’m glad you’re reaching out to your old friends, and I wish I could have that too
In my case it was a falling out over something that we would eventually be able to work through. It just needed time.
I'm happy to have these people back in my life. We have shared values and aligned goals. Even separated, we've grown in similar directions. Meeting them again, it was like we were able to just pick up and carry on from where we left off.
I'm grateful to have them back in my life.
My dog is dying of cancer and I thought I was more ready for it. He had an osteosarcoma almost two years ago now, that we removed with amputation of one of his legs. At that moment we knew we were on borrowed time, but... It's still hard. At his last X-ray appointment they found something. We expect it to be metastasis. It's not conclusive until we do another set in a few weeks, though. So I'm just sitting here, waiting for bad news that I know is coming.
It's a lot harder than I thought. I haven't lost a pet since my childhood dog in high school.
Oh no :'( please give him an extra hug and "good boy" for me. Maybe his x-ray will be fine and you'd get more time. It's so unfair that they live so much faster than us.
I appreciate it. The reality is so much messier than the simple story, though. Because as much as I love him and want more time together, I also am aware of the reality that he is something that is causing some other life plans to be on hold.
And it feels impossibly shitty to say I'm "waiting for him to die" but in some ways I am. It just all sucks.
You're still walking alongside him on this journey before starting the next. Lives are very complicated, for sure, and many good things overlap in a way that we can only have one at a time.
Spouse is having memory problems and tremors. It wasn't apparently serious, but he's been concerned enough to see a neurologist, and now I'm struggling with the implications.
He had a heart valve replacement a few years ago, which required hours on a heart-lung machine. There's a condition colloquially referred to among heart surgery recipients as "pump head" - diffuse brain injury from micro-clots. He was pretty out of it for a couple of months post-surgery, but seemingly recovered well.
From what I observed, my spouse has occasional word loss and forgetfulness that's consistent with his age and the previous trauma. However, the neurologist confirmed that there are some observable short-term memory deficits, and tremor that's getting worse (most likely familial, but now being watched for possible Parkinson's disease).
I've paid attention to /u/DefinitelyNotAFae's struggles in caring for a fully physically disabled partner. I've had to face the prospect of physical disability myself - for a while, it was looking like I wouldn't be able to work, with uncontrolled rheumatoid arthritis that had me hobbling and barely able to type or take care of myself. But the idea of caring for someone with a long term deteriorating cognitive state scares me badly.
I've watched friends who had to take care of parents with Alzheimer's and took care of my dad after a catastrophic stroke. We all went through some really frightening incidents - drastic personality changes (aggression, hostility, confusion), wandering and getting lost, nearly setting the house on fire, keeping a gun under their pillow and pulling it out when startled by a caregiver, things like that.
I adore the brilliant, witty, talented, deeply empathetic and caring person I married and have spent 30+ years with. The possibility that I might be with him through the loss of those qualities shouldn't be shocking, and yet it is. We're having more conversations about what we want for medical power of attorney, end-of-life, assistive care, and other somewhat grim topics that acknowledge not just mortality, but all the potential steps along the way.
I'd love to quit my job just to spend more good time with him, but health insurance is an obstacle.
Thanks for listening, folks.
I wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you're already making some plans about what makes the most sense for you and your spouse. Be honest about what you think you can handle and what you can't, and that those things may change. Please make sure you have supports - family, therapist, community caretaker groups, friends - who can help you. ♡
Thank you for the kind words! Spouse is in good spirits and it doesn't seem like things are progressing quickly at all; it's a cloud on the horizon.
It's more about my response to the news and not suddenly treating him differently or inventorying every lapse so I can obsess about and try to control the trend. Talking about it openly is a big help. I'm also being more open with him about what I'm experiencing with my condition on a day-to-day basis, so he's not worried I'm masking symptoms or postponing doctor visits, and we can both plan our mutual care more rationally.
For sure, and taking care of yourself is incredibly important - I'm really not great at it and it makes things harder.
I had to take a whole recovery day yesterday to sleep and catch up on taking care of me and it's helping a lot. Glad to hear you have time. Partner gets into a funk about how I don't "deserve" this or didn't know what I was getting into, as if we arent basically married with all the "sickness and in health" that entails.
Good luck and build those structures now!
In a small way, I can relate to this bit. My partner and I have been together for long enough that people are usually surprised to learn that we’re not actually married. We’ve talked about it plenty of times, and I make sure to actively bring it up every few years to make sure we’re still on the same page (it can be so easy to just assume the status quo remains, without actually checking in on it) but we’re both in agreement that it’s not something in the cards.
In the past year, some financial complications with siblings has meant a review of my parents wills and medical power of attorney if required. It’s got me thinking about maybe working on those marriage-adjacent legal things that you usually get (eg if either of us are hospitalised, my partner or I might have trouble with visitation rights etc) even if we’re not wanting proper actual marriage at this stage.
I know it’s not the same, your situation is more challenging with just straight up losing access to necessary supports, but reasons aside that vibe of “excuse you I am very committed to this relationship and you don’t get to push me away if things get difficult” is something I can relate to.
Yeah I told him that even when I'm exhausted and want a break, it's not a break from him, it's really a break for him because if he's not stressing and hurting and in the hospital etc then I can sleep better and get actual rest.
If you have the ability it isn't the worst idea to cut to the chase and get all the legal protections for the low price of a marriage license and conforming to social norms and civil authority. But it's very manageable to use the work arounds. (For fun you can adopt them or vice versa!).
I'm not attached to the concept of marriage for its own sake, but at this point it'd make so many things easier we'd have gotten the piece of paper over a decade ago if we could have. At least we won't have to divorce to afford a nursing home in the future? ಠ_ʖಠ
I opened this thread for the first time today. This is hard, shocking news!. Wishing you both the best.
Thank you - it's been a little crazy this past week and I'm still settling down.
I'd seen my spouse doing some new physical therapy exercises, and asked about them... He was certain he'd told me about the treatment plan for the tremors, and we figured out that he hadn't. He'd also forgotten that I'd told him about an upcoming rheumatologist visit which was on our shared calendar, for medication adjustments to better control some flare-ups I've been having. An increasing trend of small incidents of missed communication, forgotten turns when driving, "lost" items, and both of us hiding our anxiety and depression from each other. Not dramatic events individually, but cumulatively disturbing.
So we're working on being more intentional about communicating, leaving more memory cues that don't depend on conversational recall, and joint visits to our respective medical specialists so that we're not running on potentially unreliable memory and second-hand information about what's going on.
We knew our mutual aging would be a journey, but this still feels too damn soon.
Is a fridge calendar/white board a doable/useful thing? (Or shared Google calendar if more digitally inclined). It helps a lot with partner's memory (TBI induced) and my ability to track appointments.
We do have a shared Google calendar - that just made the forgotten appointment all the more disturbing. Adding a whiteboard is a good idea - one more kind of memory cue.
Yeah. The other suggestion I have is shared MyChart access (either shared login or getting added as an approved viewer). It means I can go check appointments easily.
But yeah a physical cue can help, and getting a habit of writing things down even if they already "know" they told you (and vice versa) so there's a record.
Lately I've been thinking about what my ideal future-me even looks like, because focusing on that is helping me carry on with current things.
Career-wise... I'm a systems analyst trying to slowly move into software dev (currently my work is more business analyst/Salesforce low code dev things) but I don't even have strong feelings about "working in tech"; I just want Money (read: not struggle financially as my parents and grandparents did) doing work that I am qualified to do. The struggle here is... well, other than general uncertainty with the field, particularly in the entry level / junior side of the field, I don't exactly have that dog in me to break in, and I don't have the motivation to continue moving up with what I already have either. I'm not describing this very well but I think that's part of why I consider this to be a bit perplexing if I can't even define the issue lmao
Relationship things. I'm working on being able to deal with life things solo right now. But my brain keeps straying to wanting to be in a far future where I'm comfortable with myself to be in a relationship again. And the conflict comes in because I've never gone out of my way to seek a relationship before, but I'm worried that not doing so will just mean I never find one. Like it's common advice to focus on being happy with yourself, don't be afraid of being single, etc etc... the best way I can describe it is, I'm not afraid of being single; I've been very happy with being single prior to my last relationship, but I also really want to have the things I had during the relationship again. And I'm not saying that I can't be happy without a partner, but there are things I want that are much easier with a partner (a home, a shitton of cats, idk).
Try quality assurance engineering.
I started out doing that, and I found that you get a lot of freedom to learn and play around with what you want.
I found it really easy to transition into being a developer from qa cause I already knew the product and the common bugs.
Bonus, I’m really great at designing tests for my own code now
I feel you on the career side. Comfortable but not satisfied is an odd place to be, and especially if your primary motivator to move on is money. My therapist asks what else motivates me about the shift other than money - I'd pose the same question to you. What drives you to go that way?
Relationship existentialism is what I called it when I moved on from one and had to negotiate with the fact that I miss the comforts of being in a relationship, but that I don't want that relationship again. Feeling like a fully actualized single person, in my experience, is the best way to end up in the best relationship for you.
Go out, meet people, hang with other singles and couples, don't settle and try not to dwell. There are plenty of single people out there thinking the same thing. Friends/dating/lovers/partners of circumstance are all perfect ways to spend your time with others before committing again.
I hope that this didn't sound too preachy - I just think clearly when addressing topics like this in the second person. Good luck and make every single day count!
I suppose one motivation is fear of stagnating - I already feel bad that I haven't really upskilled as much as I did pre-pandemic. Even if I objectively have improved my skills in this space since I started my current position 3 years ago, I can't help but think... someone hungrier could have pushed much harder. You nailed it when you described it as being comfortable but not satisfied. The wolf isn't at my door like it was back when I was a lot more driven; I remember it enough to want the shift, but don't feel it enough to put in the time like I used to.
Yes, I definitely feel seen and heard here! I know I'm restless because I want the comforts (again not the "being in love" part necessarily - it just is easier to tackle things with someone else than solo). But I know I don't want to "settle" either. And as sad as I still am about the way my relationship ended, I will admit that I've obtained a lot of food for thought when it comes to what I'd like to bring and receive in a relationship.
Re: career, people have talked about public sector roles in this thread and I'd encourage it. Rather than being a highly paid racehorse, I like my role as a reasonably paid stable horse who gives pony rides. The job glamour isn't there, but whatever, I'd prefer time to work on my hobbies anyway.
Re: relationship. They said that the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else lol. Get out and live, date, and have fun. Sooner than later, all of the misgivings and anxieties don't feel all that heavy ;)
adding one more short-term thing as another comment, especially since I spent most of today on this and will continue to be spending many future weeks on it
Working on living alone! Unpacking, cleaning, grocery shopping, meal prepping… I’m actually glad I’ve gotten used to this in the last few months, especially when ex was out of town for a few days during holidays or when she got sick and I had to take over all chores until she recovered. I’m trying really hard to incorporate “take one thing that doesn’t belong in the current room before leaving it” into my chores and it helps me feel a lot less overwhelmed. I still have a lot left to go, a bunch of Ikea furniture to build, but I have my meals sorted for at least Wednesday and a fresh uncluttered work desk for tomorrow morning (soon to be cluttered as that is just how I am, but that’s for later).
Thanks for the question! It's always fun to have insightful/introspective questions like that.
Honestly, right now I'm kinda struggling with the fact that I will not be single for a LONG time and I kinda don't know how to react. I've lived alone for the past 15 years, with maybe 2 years in there when I had a girlfriend but we didn't stay together.
I found a girl I love very much and we're ready to live together. I honestly cannot wait because I want to be with that person... but there's a part of me that's dying and I have to say goodbye to it. The "single" me.
I used to have pretty much complete control and freedom in my life, and I'm scared of letting go, of having to make compromises, of having to defend how I use my time.
This past year, I honestly found myself. I went on trips alone, I love my company so much more than I used to, and just like that, it happens that I "lose" it within one year.
The truth is, I know it's gonna be fine. I lived with my partner for 2 bouts of 1 week and it was... perfect. We're able to have alone time, because she needs it as much as I do and we communicate it very well...But I cannot help and feel scared.
There's this small part of me that is deadly scared that I'll wake up in 3-5 years and be like "fuck I'm stuck now". My guts are really torn... I don't know if it's the right decision. But I've always trusted my judgement on this and my head always took the right decisions so I know I will not regret it... but I'm still scared.
We're moving together in two weeks!
I made the same decision about six years ago and I don’t regret it at all.
I HAVE had to find ways of reasserting my freedom though. For the first threeish years I felt really trapped because during covid we only ever saw each other and although theres no one else Id rather be stuck with for all of eternity, I felt lonely and trapped.
I’m currently working on expanding my “friends I see all the time” group and it’s going okay. I made some new friends a couple years ago, I stopped putting as much effort into friends who weren’t ever free to hang out, and now I’m looking to start another hobby where I might meet more regular friends. Its going okay, and I feel more calm and secure in my relationship now.
I am working through my dissatisfaction with people on chat groups -- WhatsApp and Discord. I realized that they cause me way too much stress without many positives. Most people in these groups are under 25 years old, and, respectfully, I'm tired of dealing with young people who barely read what I write and aggressively respond to imaginary versions of my beliefs and statements. Leaving some of these groups already lowered my anxiety. I intend to leave all of them soon. But it's really something I am working through, as these groups provided an important social environment for me in the past year. But those connections are elusive and incredibly shallow. The next step is finding a real-life social environment for me. It won't be easy.
I'm glad you're taking steps for your mental health. Finding a new social space is hard, but you're insightful and listen well and take interest in other people, whichever environment you end up finding is lucky to have you.
Can't blame you on the chat groups.
I'm a young person, some of the chronically online fuckwits there on Discord are horrible.
I've had discord mods try to call me about a game server while I was at the beach. They're attention seekers with no real life usually.
Fuck I miss when the internet wasn't a full time job for some clowns.
Middle School Chocobean was a really shitty friend to someone who gave me so, so many chances to do better. She's stylish and beautiful and funny and I didn't realise I was terrible or how to be better. It's been crazy long and every time I think about how she deserved so much better, what stops me aside from shame is the fact that I honestly don't know if I am even any better today, or could be a better friend even now.
Today, I made a decision to try to reach out through a common friend and see if I can properly apologize. I'm not demanding to be forgiven and it can't be just about me feeling better about myself, but if she wants, I would be happy to offer the apology. I miss her and am interested to know how she's doing.
It's been 20+ years though. Any advice? Send an apology card via common friend so it's better than a text and not put her on the hook to respond? I'm a heavily text based asynchronous communication person but I think that's a neurodivergent thing and not considered polite right?
Edit: important context, it wasn't a mean girls' bullying kind of thing. More awkward / ADHD-inattentive / avoidance / I'm (still) terrible to interact with live in meat space kinda thing. My highschool crew had a few "Chocobean, your actions have affect on others" come to Jesus talks (plural) with me throughout the years.
Apologising is difficult stuff...
I'm not good at it, I just have a few things I'm fairly sure are useful to think about.
You seem to be aware that it can't be about yourself feeling good, this is important.
I also think there is an important distinction between apologising and explaining. Apologising is about the other person while explaining is about myself.
I also think it is important to not give promises I can't hold.
For me, I've had instances where I can't apologise (because I won't be able to be sure to act differently in the future) but still acknowledge that I was in the wrong. This seems to have some value anyway.
Yeah, good call, I'm still in explaining mode and that's the opposite of what I need to do
This is something I try my best to keep in mind. "I am sorry" should be a complete sentence. Too many people use "I am sorry" as an opener to explain what they did, and in my opinion when you add that it nullifies the apology. It is a hard urge to fight, as it feels so natural to tag on the explanation
While I think having "I am sorry" count as a complete statement is an improvement, I'm more thinking about the difference between:
And
If possible I think a reasonable suggestion to repair the damage is even better. And if there is a way to change some part of a behaviour that is also reasonable that should be added to, like
I would grade that as an F
That gets a stong B
A+ easily.
I can't say I've been in your shoes, but being the old time romantic that I am, I think that one of the most sincere means of communication that you can do for awkward things where you can't talk for whatever reason is the handwritten letter.
I've only had one time where I needed to do it, when I had written to my father after years of non-contact - a sort of coming to peace and an olive branch for a very lonely man. Did it work out the way I had hoped? Not really, but it did end very well. To my memory I got a short 1-2 sentence email as a response, which didn't really address any of the things I had written over six or so pages of nice stationary over the course of three or four hours. It didn't heal the relationship, but it ended up giving me reason to relinquish my attachment even further and helped to set me free.
If you send them a handwritten letter, you might get forgiveness, anger, or even no response at all. But even no response is meaningful and should help you get through it.
That does sound like a good idea .... Paper and pen. I'll work on this. Short letter, focus on apology, no excuses.
Great question, thanks for asking!
I'm in the throes of a major career transition from designer to artist.
I was moderately successful being the former but my field is insanely hard to succeed in, especially internationally, and I'm from a small country where the local market isn't enough to sustain businesses like mine. So to really make it, I would have had to take in venture capital or some other funding that would have put me under even more pressure to perform than I had before (which was already a lot). I would have had to hire people and become their boss, which would have meant I get to do less of the work I actually enjoy. The pressure of sustaining those jobs in a precarious field would have been insanely stressful. I chose to go the other way and let go of the idea that what I'm doing is a business. I'm changing everything, from products to "marketing" to production and "business" practices etc. so that it fits my values as purely as possible, regardless of what sales/earning potential such activities may or may not have. When I'm done I'll launch it as an art project.
I made the decision during the pandemic and in hindsight, I'm really pleased I had the courage, because given how bad the economy has been since, I would have already gone bankrupt trying to run a business. On the other hand, I thought the transition would be done in a couple years. It's been.. I don't even want to count how many years, but I'm still not done! It's been an insane amount of work, some of it extremely challenging, because I'm essentially trying to do something that hasn't been done before. There are no benchmarks to follow and I've had to redefine and re-develop many of the core features of what I do.
Last year when I'd gotten quite close to the finish line, there was a change in my working environment that put things more or less to a halt, and I'm still dealing with that too:
I work in an industrial building perfectly suited to the kind of work I do. I've been working here for 14 years. The rent is doable for me, the space is exactly what I need in every way (not easy to find), and there's enough of it. The other spaces in the building are mostly occupied by architects, artists, designers and other office workers. Until last year when the space directly below me was rented out to an event producer.
They installed a powerful sound system and started hosting loud parties multiple times a week. The building has zero sound insulation, the floor is just a few cm of concrete that acts as their ceiling and there are cracks in it. The dB levels are regularly over 60 on my side, often over 80 and occasionally close to 100. This makes the space unusable for most of my work processes for the duration of the noise. What's worse is the events are always in the evenings and weekends, which are the only times I can actually do creative work because during office hours I have to do admin type work that doesn't mix well with the creative process.
The owner of that space, as well as the tenant, have been uncooperative. Everyone else in the building, owners and tenants included, wants to ban activities that cause disturbance to other spaces but the other side is being aggressive and threatening the other owners to stop them from taking action. I've been actively dealing with the situation for a year. I won't get into details here on what that entails but it's a lot of work and takes up a lot of my focus. I'm getting close to the stage where I'll be involving a lawyer, and then lord knows how long it'll still take to get this sorted out. The worst case scenario is that I'll lose my career because I can't publish the project I've been working on for years.
Last year I went through a fairly challenging breakup and the resulting emotional processing, but that seems fairly minor compared to the above. I think I got through it alright.
Oh man I hope you resolve the noise issue. Bad neighbours is such a difficult thing to deal with. Local noise ordinance? Police don't care, I'm sure. Possibility of sound proofing your unit with removable insulation? You could try paying a lawyer to write a fancy letter in their letterhead. It's only intimidation they're free to ignore but sometimes it works. Joint tennant complaint to landlord? That can't be good for their building long term either.
Thanks. I won't get down to the level of details publicly but yes, every angle is being considered. When you start looking into things, more and more angles reveal themselves and investigating them all is very time consuming. I've accepted this is role for now and so be it.
I have nothing to add but I feel like I had to comment on the sound situation.
That is absolutely terrible!! Even soundproofing it, you'll still feel the bass going through and some sound, if whatever work you do requires silence and concentration, it feels like the issue will continue until they stop hosting parties... Good luck on that, man, it really sucks.
Thank you for the compassion. It's really quite helpful to see that someone gets why it's hard and unfair (especially as the opponent is pretending that they don't).
I appreciate it!
Thanks for this thread, I've been absent from tildes for a while and this feels like a good place to rejoin. A while back a friend of mine went through a divorce, instigated by their partner. They didn't want to talk too much about the details, and I didn't press. A few weeks later I heard some of the details from their partners perspective (via a mutual friend), and suffice to say it seems as though my friend may not be the person I thought they were.
Since then I haven't really known what to do. I'm hesitant to bring what I heard up, because the two of them have children and as a result still need to be in each other's lives, so a confrontation runs the risk of some kind of blowback on the former partner. I also feel some degree of responsibility toward the larger friend group (who haven't heard the things I've heard), but I don't want to be spreading rumors either.
I do believe the things I've heard, and they range from "not really any of my business" to "I don't want to associate with a person who would do this", so I've backed off from this person almost completely. It's difficult due to the larger group of friends and shared activities / discord etc, I end up feeling like I'm stepping away from the entire group because of the actions of one person.
I've quietly let a couple of people in the group know that I'm not comfortable around this person anymore without sharing details, and they've been supportive, but I can't ask them to exclude this person based on things they haven't heard. I also don't necessarily want my former friend to lose access to his friends. Even if it's a result of his own actions, he's no doubt going through a difficult time and losing his social network would hardly help him become a better person.
And so I'm in a bit of a holding pattern now, and I don't really know what I should do, if anything. I'm mostly "fine" about it, but it does weigh on me a bit whenever I think about it. Probably I should speak to a therapist, but until I get around to organizing that I guess I'll ramble about it here.
It's been a time lately, that's for sure.
Starting a few weeks back, wake up to my mom calling me on a Saturday morning, expecting something happened with my grandma who has had several strokes and is in a nursing home. Nope, my completely healthy uncle fell last night, hit his head, and was gone, just like that.
The cat that my wife and I have had basically since we started dating, about 13 years, had been declining and we knew her kidneys were going. My wife was already thinking about taking her in when I came down to tell her about my uncle. We decided to wait a little bit, we gave her a couple really good days, but that Tuesday was her last. That was over two weeks ago and we're still feeling it.
The day after my uncle passed was Winter Storm Fern, our heat pump completely died on us, not even a year old yet cause our old furnace died last February, but we've thankfully been on the backup heat. Still waiting on a new control board, thankfully it's all under warranty but the backup heat is a lot more expensive.
The day before my uncle died our home insurance sent us an email saying they're gonna drop us because the patio that the original owners built 30 years ago uses sliding glass doors but aren't on the ground. Thankfully we have until July to figure that out but it's not like they're new and we've been insured with that company for 5 years now.
This Monday I woke up to the furnace at our cabin (talk about mistakes...) died while it was -20F out, so I had to take a half day off work and drive there to try to fix it. Thankfully killing the power for a bit and turning it back on was enough to get it working again. The water wouldn't turn on though, so I probably need to replace more pipes there. That's a spring problem.
Bonus side events that have happened in the last two weeks: brother-in-law (minor) got t-boned at a stop sign and his car got totaled, he's thankfully fine. Father-in-law (Dad of BIL) got laid off only like 3 years from retirement, but they wouldn't give him early retirement. They're down two cars now because he had a company car.
We're tackling things as best we can. It's almost comical how much things piled on but they're manageable. Meanwhile the country is imploding and my industry is losing its mind. I'm just gonna keep trucking along and deal with what is in my control.
I want to get my license( gotta start over again :( )
This time, my plan is get learners
#to practice/master
-reverse park
-front park
-regular driving observing lights and sign
Untill i madyer all these and they are like back of my hand
Sounds like you've broken the steps down really well! May I ask your history of why you have to start over, or where the "block" was last time? Just curious, because I've heard of a number of younger adults without licenses recently and the young drivers topic will be relevant for me again soon.
Just dealing with my emotions at the moment, an odd mix of stress, anxiety, and unhappiness.
It's been almost a year since I moved to the city and the past 12 months have been quite an odd time. I spent the majority of the last 12 months dealing with job-related issues and stress which took up most of my time. As a result, I haven't really dedicated any time to making friends here in the city. Most of my friends still live in the suburbs 45 minutes away or are online so I've been spending more time alone. I don't particularly hate it but at times it can feel lonely and I wish I had more friends closer to me. I have been planning to do things like bar trivia nights or go to some community game stores and join a board game or D&D campaign to meet people but I just haven't made time or put in the effort to do so, which is my fault.
Another thing I'm dealing with at the moment is my car. I've had it for a few years and it's been an amazing, if expensive, weekend toy for me. I've had the privilege of being able to store it at my parent's home in the suburbs for free the entire time I've owned it. However, my parents are moving to a different state so now I need to figure out what to do with the car. I've got many options (of which I could yap about for ages) but I just can't make up my mind on any of them.
Final thing I'm dealing with, just to lift the mood here, are my broken glasses. I broke them on December 31st in the evening while I was traveling and quite literally every single day since then, I've held them together with tape as I don't have a backup pair. I immediately went to the optometrist when I got back home to order a new pair and they arrived mid-late Jan. However, they messed up and put the wrong prescription in them so I returned them quite literally within 15 minutes. I waited another 2 weeks, to the beginning of February, for the replacement to arrive. I wore them for the weekend, which was Super Bowl weekend, and my eyes were strained the entire time. I returned them again and learned that the issue was with the new prescription I got from the optometrist, not the glasses themselves, so they're gone again. They should arrive next week, however, I'm traveling for the next week so I need to wait yet another week after that to see if they're correct. This is such an annoying little saga, I wish I didn't break my glasses to begin with so I didn't have to deal with this lol.
Quick reply while on the road: I use an online glasses prescription place so they only cost <$40 CAD each and sometimes run Buy one get one deals and are FAST even with shipping to rural Canada. Might be worth getting super cheap backups from an online retailer in your country.
I wasnt aware such services existed! Will definitely try finding some so I at least have a backup pair, thanks!
I hope you find some :D in America there's also Zenni and EyeBuyDirect.
As for friends, I know 45 is a lot for frequent hangouts, but perhaps it might be worth setting up monthly or two-monthly hangouts. I live on the opposite side of the continent now but still appreciate the very occasional to annual meetups very much
I've actually heard of Zenni since they've got advertisements on the transit here but I never bothered to check them out, maybe I should be less ignorant about the ads around me haha.
My friends and I actually do hangout with a relatively decent frequency. The ones in the suburbs 45 minutes away I meet every 2-3 weeks, the ones I have from university I see 2-3 times a year, and then I meet my internet friends once a year. So I have no issue with that, would just like some closer friends for more spontaneous meetups :)
ADHD/Autism Burnout. Apologies, the rest is basically just going to be a stream of thought.
Dude I feel so hopeless most of the time.
My apartment is a mess, so is my car, I can barely take care of myself.
I don't know what to do anymore. Most things on ADHD or autistic burnout go over the symptoms and why it happens, all of which are spot on, but the solutions are all general and lack any specifics or even success stories.
It's all just "you need to recharge" but then doesn't go into any specifics of how to recharge when you're just trying to survive. Like how am I supposed to reduce the amount of demands without actually doing the demands that I'm struggling with to begin with? My apartment is a mess which puts stress on me because of the demand of having to clean it, but to get rid of the demand I have to actually clean it which is the thing I'm struggling with to begin with. It's always solutions like that that don't account for the complexities of reality.
I got a new job last year and I already feel like it's in trouble because of how much I struggle with executive function. I have been on a project for The Mariners and it's taken me my entire strength to manage the project and I've still made a mess of it by doing everything last minute. It's going to be a miracle if it gets done on time, and my boss has seen how much I've struggled on it.
And how do you reduce demands at work and relax?
I'm on ADHD meds but they feel like they've stopped working.
I don't know how to relax apparently. I thought relaxing was listening to audiobooks or watching things but now I'm being told that kind of stuff doesn't recharge you, it distracts you.
I've got multiple business ideas to make money, and I posted an ad looking for a business partner/assistant but can't even bring myself to respond to any of the responses I got.
The only thing that seems to give me a shot of dopamine recently has been donating my time and skills to a small local Indigenous-owned Fry Bread Restaurant and helping them with their social media, marketing, branding, signage, menus, and solving various issues and generally making them a bit more efficient overall. They're super grateful and have claimed I came at the exact time they needed and have saved their business.
Seriously the social media posts and updated branding, local advertising, and stuff has given them something crazy like a 3,000% boost in business in the last month according to her register software, and her social media activity has jumped up an insane number like 10,927%.
That's super rewarding but I'm also not getting paid for it at all except for a free meal here and there. As I said, I'm donating my time and skills to them in an effort to support the local indigenous community, and also because they didn't have any money for anything I am helping them with. It's also just fun and rewarding.
But it's also been making a difference, I use the socials to post MMIW missing flyers, I've added a bulletin board to the restaurant that promotes indigenous artists and businesses, I've been postinf about and integrating educational content about indigenous cultures and the current issues indigenous communities face into the menu, social media posts, messaging, and even the kids menu/activity sheet has some educational stuff. I designed a poster for them that they going over the indigenous history of the Sea Hawks logo, and I've gotten together an indigenous comedy night and invited indigenous artists to display their art in store.
And I've worked with so many huge world known companies, it's just nice to use my skills for things that help actual people and help the community as opposed to helping rich CEOs get richer.
I am meeting with someone that does this professionally next Friday to pick their brain if I could help or do the same or similar thing just get paid for it.
I had a project to create concrete replicas of Maarva's Funerary Stone from Andor as a political statement, and that too has fallen by the wayside.
I can't bring myself to respond to friends who reach out. One of them reached out that they were going to be in town this weekend and I never responded because I feel like I'm a mess.
This was probably rhetorical, but I'm going to answer it anyway in case it helps. I'm sorry if this is just rehashing things you already know and/or aren't able to implement. Also I should caveat that I'm only diagnosed autistic, though I do have a(n undiagnosed) ADHD partner and relate a lot to AuDHD observations (and read/watch a lot of ADHD-specific stuff online - How to ADHD is great edit: and just put out a video on this very topic!).
This is also just what I've found to help, your mileage may vary.
At Home
Short term:
Make "doom boxes". Everywhere that there's a pile of anything, stick it in a box/bag/cupboard so you can't see it anymore. Do this to clothes, dishes, trash, miscellaneous clutter, just shove it out of sight for now. A pile of 30 things = 30 different demands, even when you've gone blind to it. One box = one demand. This is normally considered a bad thing to do, but when you're in burnout it's worth the risk for the gains in functioning.
Work on reducing any sensory strains. Experiment with noise-cancelling headphones, earplugs, ambient noise videos, dim bulbs, sunglasses indoors and out, wearing only the comfiest clothing options and hairstyles, scented candles, room sprays, using fidget/stim toys, etc. Bear in mind that this can mean adding sensory stimuli as well as removing it; you can be sensory-seeking in one sense and sensory-avoidant in another.
Find quickly-fixed inefficiencies in how you navigate your home. Maybe you have an empty shoe rack and a pile of shoes in your entryway you always trip over - may as well get rid of the shoe rack and put the pile in its place. Maybe your laundry basket has a lid you have to open to put clothes in - ditch the lid so you can just throw stuff in. Maybe your bedroom door has a load of coat hooks overflowing with hoodies and towels so you bump the door every time you walk in - get that crap out of your way and into a doom box.
All of these things passively drain your energy as you go about your day, often without you noticing. Address them and after a few days you'll likely notice new energy, which you can eventually use for:
Medium term:
As you need things from your doom boxes, take out the thing you need and one other easy-to-deal-with thing and deal with it. E.g. you shoved all your dirty dishes into the cupboard under the sink but now you need a bowl and a fork to eat noodles, so grab the bowl and fork and one plate, wash them all, put away the plate. Bonus points if you always go to the doom box first so clean stuff can accumulate. Triple bonus points if you realise you have far more of something than you need/can maintain and discard some of the excess.
Recruit friends/family to help, if possible. Whether that's having them come over to help you clean or being available to call for body-doubling while you make a dent in problem areas. This does require having sympathetic friends/family who won't make you feel judged, otherwise it will backfire spectacularly.
Find and fix the bigger inefficiencies. Find homes for the stuff you use next to the place you use it. Set up "stations" so every step of a task can be done in the same spot (e.g. instead of coffee pot on one side of the room and mugs on another, mugs hang above the coffee pot). Maybe swap hanging clothes for drawers or vice versa if you find one method significantly easier. Edit: Clutterbug just did a whole Youtube video on this, coincidentally.
At Work:
I only know about office-type work, and there's not a huge amount that you can do, but for what it's worth:
Relaxing:
What you find relaxing will be highly personal, but the key (in my experience) is to look for activities that when you finish doing them you feel like you've been asleep, instead of activities that make you feel energised or inspired or otherwise make you want to Do Things. The latter are great for depression and neurotypical burnout, but they're not the rest that's needed in neurodivergent burnout.
That could be something very sleep-like, like laying in a dark room watching a lava lamp, or it could be a more "normal" hobby like reading a book or listening to an audiobook or doing some kind of craft (e.g. knitting, crochet). ADHD brains tend to need some stimulation to relax (hence being treated medically with stimulants) so "distraction" isn't inherently a problem, it just needs to be the right level of distraction.
I hear what you are saying.
Maybe you do feel like your life is a mess. And maybe it really is. I don't know - I'm a stranger on the internet, after all. :-)
But - to me it sounds like you are doing great work. You've got a new job, and you are making meaningful changes in your community. That's solid stuff right there.
You also sound tired. Not a mess. Just plain, old fashioned, boring, tired.
Would it be possible for you to carve out half a day a week, or a couple of evenings, and use them purely to recharge your batteries in the way that feels best to you?
No new projects.
Just focussing on your own physical and mental needs.
Don't worry about who says what about 'how' you should relax; just follow your instincts and do what works for you.
Sleep, dance, read, have a bath or a walk or a coffee with a friend. Whatever works for you.
And then just keep doing that - defending that space and time for yourself, rather than starting yet another new project - until you feel a bit better.
Once you are a bit rested things will seem more manageable, and who knows, maybe then some housework will get done.
Still going through a massive change in my mid-life that is taking far far longer than I expected. This means I have ultimately been without a job for quite a while now, still in the process of getting my place ready to sell and move, something I have never undertaken before, and dealing with the fact that even while unemployed I have not managed my time well. Also will now have a big gap on my resume which who knows how that will go if I need to look for employment. That and probably changing fields, along with the dumpster fire job market. I chose the worst time it seems to leave my last job but I couldn't have known and I was miserable and I am not anymore at least!
That said my physical health is better, my mental health has long way to go but still a lot better, I am learning and brainstorming ideas for starting my own business, I have learned deeply how to massively reduce my budget, etc, so I am tackling what I can and persisting despite the horrors and so on
Most immediately, I'm trying to get the money for this year's auto insurance and phone bills. I make it a point to pay them annually; it costs less in the long run (sometimes significantly so).
More broadly I'm wrestling with the idea of getting a corporate job and stopping my plans to finish a degree to become a substitute teacher. Right now as a private teacher the hours aren't quite good enough. I'm making enough money to live off of given my husband is still full-time employed and I'm not terribly materialistic, but I would like to have money to take him out to a nice valentines dinner, for one thing. He's having some tough times lately from his work and I feel like my lack of money is putting more stress on him. I actually took this term off from university because the last one left me very stressed and upset, but now I'm starting to get a very different variety of stress from feeling useless, mostly because I feel like I have invested too much in relaxation and aren't getting a lot of things done.
Lack of community, but more specifically that attempts to establish connections keep backfiring on me. I stepped back from two online communities I was reasonably active in because they were starting to feel alienating, I have been haunted by intrusive memories of social fauxes pas ever since my work social event, and I've been sick with anxiety over trying to maintain contact with members of a mums group that recently ended because I'm so busy with work and appointments and organising home repairs and helping baby adjust to the new routine that I'm too exhausted to commit to plans.
So instead I dump-and-run on tildes because I can't even fit in a therapist appointment these days. Not that the therapy has been helping at all. I wish I knew what would.
Sending you good wishes, I heavily relate to your last point of dumping and running on Tildes. It feels good to scream into the void sometimes. I also relate to your struggles of finding community, I've just been so exhausted from work and other stress that I haven't been able to find a community in the city I moved to last year.
A lot of my own hangups on working a job that gives me a lot of leash and doesn't really challenge me, vs maybe perhaps my attention span is compromised and I'm just out of excuses to get it looked into. I have a referral I've been sitting on up to this point to go to a specialist, and I finally touched base with them, we'll see how it goes.
I'm working on getting into a PhD :D .
I'm fairly close to dead inside most of the time, and just put on a bit of a facade that I'm not.
I'm not depressed, I'm not suicidal anymore, and my life isn't really... horrible?
Currently at school, I get treated pretty shittily by some of the biggest dropkicks possible. I'm fairly visibly gay and a lot of people know because mid last year me was harassed about what my sexuality was by a fairly irritating classmate and then outed. Oh well. I quit smoking last month, I still catch myself putting a pen to my mouth because of the muscle memory.. Not a permanent quit either, I'm definitely going back at some point as a coping mechanism. Someone I knew as a decent friend a few hours away had things on their phone he shouldn't have had. Disgusting fucking things. I know one of the cops investigating, and it feels so wrong knowing I have to watch as his life will be completely replaced and changed in the next few months when they nab him. I'll definitely need a durry (cigarette) then. I don't mind smoking again and stopping my quit streak. The thing is, at the end of the day, I don't process addiction right due to how I'm wired (ASD+ADHD) and the fact that, again, I'm dead inside a lot of the time. My partner is probably losing interest in me, but I don't mind. I'll miss him and be sad, but at the end of the day that's his choice. When or if that comes I'll probably just have one last hug and push onwards. He knows he can still call me even if we break up and I say never call me again, if he struggles with self harm or suicidal ideation. I've stopped 4 people from doing that kind of thing, I'll do it again. I care about him a lot, and the people that deadname him and harass both of us are the kind of people who make me wish we'd stop letting absolutely any fucking dropkick have 18 kids. It's insane how bad this generation will be at socialisation because there will be borderline nobody between each side of the spectrum between 'anti-social neet' and 'hypersocial bogan'. God I am not excited for that. Millenials are probably the last generation that will ever be able to socialise with some hope. I'm excited for this weekend, I'll get fucked up as usual, then on Saturday see my mate for a bit. Beautiful.
EDIT:
Back fighting the good fight that is trying to avoid putting a pen through the neck of my classmates for deadnaming my partner. Little cunt threatened to dropkick me. Lol.
Hey, shit is really rough and I hear you in that in some ways this is "working" for you. But I wanted you to know, from an internet rando, I'm glad you're still here.
Thanks mate.
Do I know you from Discuit or is my memory just failing?
Haven't been, but I can't promise to be the only, obviously, human who is not in the slightest from another realm
Rightio, thanks anyway.
I've been struggling to find a good therapist do deal with some personal issues. I tried betterhelp around this time last year, but it kind of left me wanting. I know everyone's situation is complex. But I suppose mine is sort of unique. It's hard to find an in person therapist, because I might run into issues with language, since I'm an expat. I mean, from the outside I've got a great life, job, family, etc, but I constantly feel like this is all wrong, like I don't fit in anywhere.
Sorry if I've resurrected an old topic.