I'm making a video game, which is sort of a mixture of a puzzle game and interactive fiction. I'm a little uncertain about some name and pronoun choices that I currently offer to the player and I thought that you guys might be able to help me.

The game is in English. At the beginning of the game, the player chooses the main character's name and pronoun. This is presented through two screens that offer the choices through textual narrative. It goes something like this, with [brackets] marking the options that the player can currently choose between.

This is the story of...
[...Alice Aster.]
[...Alan Aster.]
[...Al Aster.]

It is...
[...her story.]
[...his story.]
[...their story.]

Detached from the wider narrative context, this method may seem clunky, but I believe it works within the game itself. Mechanically, that is. I'm less sure about the options that I'm offering.

The player can choose any of the three options in the first screen and again any in the second, regardless of what they chose in the first. This affects the player character's name and pronouns used throughout the game.

Now, there clearly are also many other pronouns that people identify with in English, just like there are many other names. However, for technical and design reasons, it would be challenging for me to have the player freely type in their preferred name or pronouns, and neither can I really present a long list of options. At the same time, by condensing all non-binary choices into the most common (?) "their" and by assuming that "her" also equates to "she" and so on, I wonder if I end up coming across as someone who thinks they are on top of things, but clearly has only a very superficial understanding of the topic. Which, to be honest, might not be that far from the truth.

Similarly, of the three names offered, "Al" is intended as a more gender-neutral or non-binary option than the other two. Does that make sense? Would there be a better way to handle this? Are there names that better signal non-binary or gender-neutral identity?

Or am I simply approaching this wrong?

The game itself does not deal with gender identity. As you can see, I'm not the right person to write about the topic. The choice of gender in fact has relatively little effect on the story itself. The player also has no choice over other matters of identity, including their character's cultural background or family structure. The character is not intended to be the player, but someone whose story the player follows. But it still feels important for me and for the story to offer a choice about the name and the pronoun. And I wouldn't be comfortable with it being just a "traditional" choice between male and female, as it would quite explicitly imply and reinforce assumptions about the world that I think we should move away from as a society.

Not that my game is of course going to change the world in any meaningful way. But having worked on it for about six years now, it has been one long personal learning experience for me. And this feels like another opportunity to understand something better.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts and advice.

okay tildes here to tell suspended to leave their kid alone about discord on the school computer. that was easy advice to give! But how about a real challenge in what-should-i-do-about-the-boy? hold onto your HATS bc I've got a TOUGHIE~!

see I was tutoring this 13yo last year. He was super isolated and he still is. He deals with a range of insecurity and frustration. He leaps to conclusions and struggles with anger at the people around him, especially his mother. I used to spend time with him daily, but then I moved towns and now our contact is limited to chat and video call. We talk throughout the week but we always video call on wednesdays. His mother asked me if we could switch days, because she wants him to go to after school sessions with a math teacher who has noticed his grades falling. When I talked to him about the possibility of swapping so he could attend the afterschool, he told me that he didn't want go to sessions for dumb kids. I said I was flexible regardless so he can't use the time I reserve for him as an excuse not to go -- but I worry that his perception that the sessions are for dumb kids reflects a stigma that will prevent him from asking for help when he needs it.

How do I push back on the idea that getting extra help with school could imply that he is somehow inexcusably deficient? I sense that most of his other teachers are setting the bar even lower for him than they did last year; his take-home assignments are uniformly inane, and he knows it. How would you communicate around why it is important to try and to practice trying when so much of what is expected of him is transparently pointless? My friendship with him has become important, I think, but I worry a lot that I have no chance to guide him toward a better life and this episode has been a keen example.

Timasomo is Tildes' Make Something Month: a creative community challenge that takes place in the month of November, where participants from our community self-select creative goals to achieve.

Timasomo 2021 is now officially complete! Participants will be posting their creations and efforts in this thread as a showcase! Comments and feedback from the wider community are both welcome and encouraged! Let these creators know what an awesome job they've done!

Creators: In posting your showcase:

• Give your project a title, and use the # markdown to make it stand out in the showcase thread!
• Link to your project in whatever way works best for your project.
• Give a "creator statement" that contextualizes what your project is.
• Add anything else you consider relevant! The showcase is yours!

Community:

• Treat this thread like a walk through an art gallery or a museum where you get to see different works on display.
• Comments do NOT have to be in-depth -- it is okay to just affirm that you like/love/appreciate something! (In other threads these might be considered noise, but here they are directly validating the sustained creative efforts of another community member!).
• Make sure any feedback you give is constructive.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION

Deadlines

The creative portion for Timasomo ends at 11:59:59 PM on November 30, 2020, relative to wherever you are.

The showcase will be next Monday, December 6th.

Next Steps

Finish up your project in the next two days. You have the rest of the week to prepare your showcase. This means you can edit, add polish, find hosting, etc. It's your time to get your project ready for however you're wishing to present it! And if you have to cram in a little creativity too, well, I won't say anything. :)

Showcase Logistics

You can see previous Timasomo showcases for 2020 and 2019. This year's showcase will look similar to 2020's and will be hosted in ~talk.

Preparing Your Showcase

• Give your project a title, and use the # markdown to make it stand out in the showcase thread!
• Link to your project in whatever way works best for your project.
• Give a "creator statement" that contextualizes what your project is.

Showcase FAQ

Do I have to share my whole project?

Nope! Only share what you're comfortable with! Snippets, excerpts, screenshots, or even just a summary from you are all fine. Tildes is a privacy-respecting site, and that extends to Timasomo! :)

What if I have more than one project to showcase?

Awesome! Make more than one entry in the showcase!

What if I didn't meet my goal?

It's up to you if you want to participate in the showcase. Even if you didn't meet your goal but still feel you want to share what you did accomplish, that's fine! If not, no worries!

What if I need hosting for files/images?

Please ask here! There are plenty of people here who can help with that.

What if I have a question not covered here?

Please ask here or by PM!

Timasomo FAQ

Table of Contents

• Why am I posting this thread?
• What is it?
• Where to watch
• The players
• Time controls
• Format
• Scoreboard
• Schedule

Why am I posting this thread?

Honestly, I'm really excited about this. Isn't that enough? :)

What is it?

The World Chess Championship (WCC) is the topmost competition of the sport, and basically determines the best player in the world. It is disputed between the winner of the Candidates Tournament and the current champion. Since his first title in 2013, Magnus Carlsen successfully defended the title on three different occasions and is the undisputed favorite. The challenger Ian Nepomniachtchi does have a positive score against Magnus, but most don't give that much importance, since most of his victories happened when they were much younger. Chess.com combed through the data and gave Magnus 72% winning odds. In terms of style, Magnus is considered a universal player. Nepomniachtchi is generally more aggressive but adopted a more conservative style in the Candidates Tournament.

Since 2014, the WCC happens once every 2 years, alternating with the Candidates Tournament. The current edition was supposed to take place in 2020, but was postponed due to covid. It will happen in Dubai.

The World Chess Championship starts this Friday, November 26, at 16:30 local time, 12:30 UTC.

Where to watch

• Chess.com
• Chess.com Youtube
• Chess.com Twitch
• Chess24
• Chess24 Youtube
• FIDE Youtube
• FIDE Twitch

In the United States, the NBC over-the-air television channel will broadcast daily 30 minutes highlights.

The players

Time controls

In chess, time controls determine the time each player has to make their movies. A time control of 10 minutes means that each player has 10 minutes to use throughout the game. There can also be increments, which are added to a player's overall time after each move. For example, with a time control of 10 | 5 each player starts with 10 minutes to make their moves, and automatically gains 5 seconds on the clock every time they make a move.

The time controls for the World Championship matches may seem a bit complex at first. This is just for reference, if you intend to follow the games online, I'm certain that the commentators will make sure to remind you of these details.

The table above means that, on stage 1, each player has 120 minutes to make their moves. On stage 2, they have 60 minutes. On stage 3, each player has 15 minutes, with an addition of 30 seconds after each move.

Format

• Draw by agreement is only allowed after the 40th move (it used to be the 30th).

• There will be 14 standard games (it used to be 12). The first to achieve 7½ points will be World Champion.

• If, after the 14 games, the score is equal, there will be tie-break games in that order, with the subsequent tie-break only being disputed if the previous one maintained the tie.

  1. 4 rapid games of (TC: 25min + 10s)
  2. Best out 5 blitz games (TC: 5min + 3s)
  3. 1 armageddon game.

Scoreboard

Schedule

All games, as well as the closing ceremony, are scheduled to 07:30 AM EST / 12:30 UTC.

This will be updated with the results for each match, as well as the sum of the overall points. I will also try to sum up some experts commentaries for each game.

Why am I posting this thread?

Honestly, I'm really excited about this. Isn't that enough? :)

What is it?

The World Chess Championship (WCC) is the topmost competition of the sport, and basically determines the best player in the world. It is disputed between the winner of the Candidates Tournament and the current champion. Since his first title in 2013, Magnus Carlsen successfully defended the title on three different occasions and is the undisputed favorite. The challenger Ian Nepomniachtchi does have a positive score against Magnus, but most don't give that much importance, since most of his victories happened when they were much younger. Chess.com combed through the data and gave Magnus 72% winning odds. In terms of style, Magnus is considered a universal player. Nepomniachtchi is generally more aggressive but adopted a more conservative style in the Candidates Tournament.

Since 2014, the WCC happens once every 2 years, alternating with the Candidates Tournament. The current edition was supposed to take place in 2020, but was postponed due to covid. It will happen in Dubai.

The World Chess Championship starts this Friday, November 26, at 16:30 local time, 12:30 UTC.

Where to watch

• Chess.com
• Chess.com Youtube
• Chess.com Twitch
• Chess24
• Chess24 Youtube (I strongly recommend the stream with David Howell for non-advanced players)
• FIDE Youtube
• FIDE Twitch

In the United States, the NBC over-the-air television channel will broadcast daily 30 minutes highlights.

The players

Time controls

In chess, time controls determine the time each player has to make their movies. A time control of 10 minutes means that each player has 10 minutes to use throughout the game. There can also be increments, which are added to a player's overall time after each move. For example, with a time control of 10 | 5 each player starts with 10 minutes to make their moves, and automatically gains 5 seconds on the clock every time they make a move.

The time controls for the World Championship matches may seem a bit complex at first. This is just for reference, if you intend to follow the games online, I'm certain that the commentators will make sure to remind you of these details.

The table above means that, on stage 1, each player has 120 minutes to make their moves. On stage 2, they have 60 minutes. On stage 3, each player has 15 minutes, with an addition of 30 seconds after each move.

Format

• Draw by agreement is only allowed after the 40th move (it used to be the 30th).

• There will be 14 standard games (it used to be 12). The first to achieve 7½ points will be World Champion.

• If, after the 14 games, the score is equal, there will be tie-break games in that order, with the subsequent tie-break only being disputed if the previous one maintained the tie.

  1. 4 rapid games of (TC: 25min + 10s)
  2. Best out 5 blitz games (TC: 5min + 3s)
  3. 1 armageddon game.

Scoreboard

Magnus won on round 11. Rounds 12 to 14 will not be disputed.

Schedule

All games, as well as the closing ceremony, are scheduled to 07:30 AM EST / 12:30 UTC.

This will be updated with the results for each match, as well as the sum of the overall points. I will also try to sum up some experts commentaries for each selected games. Adding notes to every game would require more effort than I initially thought! I'll create a top comment with links and basic info on each game, but will not be adding personal notes to all of them. Feel free to add your impressions to the top comments. Thanks!.

It's the last full week to work on your projects! I'll post the final weekly update next Monday, and then you'll have Tuesday the 30th to finish up with the creation part or Timasomo. Do NOT worry about having everything perfect by the 30th -- a rough cut is enough! You will have the first week of December to polish, edit, configure, tweak, etc. and get your piece(s) ready for the Showcase, which will go up on Monday, December 6th.

Weekly Task

Update us on your progress so far. What did/didn't you get done this week? Anything go according to plan? Anything go off the rails? Any successes or struggles to share?

Next Steps

Continue creating!

Timasomo FAQ

It was a genuine delight to see everyone post on their progress last week. I'm thrilled with the variety of projects people are attempting!

Weekly Task

This is the halfway point (ALREADY?!). Update us on your progress so far! What did/didn't you get done this week? Anything go according to plan? Anything go off the rails? Any successes or struggles to share?

Next Steps

Continue creating!

Timasomo FAQ

DBFH is "the Internet's longest running charity marathon." For fifteen years now, they've fundraised on behalf of Child's Play Charity for children who live in hospitals and in shelters for victims of domestic violence.

The event runs continuously, 24h/day on their twitch channel for an expected period of roughly one week. During this time, unpaid volunteer entertainers play games, do contests and comedy bits, take challenges from chat for songs, dances, readings, etc. and call-ins from guests while simultaneously raffling and auctioning various game culture and pop culture related items donated by sponsors or made throughout the year by unpaid volunteer crafters.

Every year it's a really good time with a great community, so for those who weren't aware of the event I thought I'd mention it here. Last year alone the community managed to raise more than one million US dollars, and more than 7.1 million dollars throughout the life of the project so far, entirely for charity. Hope folks from here would like to join in and (if you can) donate (responsibly).

Weekly Task

Update us on your progress so far! What did/didn't you get done this week? Anything go according to plan? Anything go off the rails? Any successes or struggles to share?

Next Steps

Continue creating!

Timasomo FAQ

Timasomo Has Officially Begun!

Weekly Task

This is the thread where you commit to your goal. Post what you plan to achieve this month.

Posting in this thread is your official entry into Timasomo.

Next Steps

Get creating! Timasomo is LIVE!

Timasomo FAQ

What is Timasomo?

Timasomo is "Tildes' Make Something Month": a creative community challenge that takes place in the month of November. It was inspired by NaNoWriMo, the National Novel Writing Month. This is Timasomo’s third year running!

You can see the threads for previous Timasomos using the timasomo tag. Here are the final showcase threads from past years featuring participants' creative works:
Timasomo 2020 Showcase
Timasomo 2019 Showcase

What are the rules?

Timasomo is self-driven and its goals are self-selected. On November 1st, participants will commit to a creative project (or projects) that they plan to complete within the month of November. There is no restriction on the methods/products of creativity: writing, painting, code, food, photos, crafts, songs -- if it's creative expression for you, it works for Timasomo!

Though most will be participating individually, collaborations are welcome too!

What is the schedule?

Timasomo begins November 1st and ends November 30th. All creative output towards your goal(s) should be confined to this time. This week prior to the start of November is for planning, and there will be a few days at the beginning of December given to "finishing touches" before we have our final thread, which will be a showcase of all the completed works. Below are the dates that I will be posting weekly threads:

Monday, October 25, 2021: Announcement/Planning Thread
Monday, November 1, 2021: Roll Call Thread
Monday, November 8, 2021: Update Thread #1
Monday, November 15, 2021: Update Thread #2
Monday, November 22, 2021: Update Thread #3
Monday, November 29, 2021: Final Update Thread
Monday, December 6, 2021: Timasomo Showcase Thread

Can I participate?

Yes! Timasomo is open to anyone on Tildes! The greater Tildes community is also encouraged to participate in discussion threads even if you are not actively working towards a creative goal. This is meant to be an inclusive community event -- all are welcome! If you are interested in participating but do not have a Tildes login, please e-mail the invite request address here for an invite to the community.

This announcement is posted in ~tildes.
All Timasomo process threads will be hosted in ~creative.
The final Timasomo Showcase thread will be posted in ~talk.

If you wish to participate or follow the proceedings, please make sure you are subscribed to ~creative.
If you wish to view the showcase, please make sure you are subscribed to ~talk.

Do I have to share my creation(s) publicly?

Tildes is a privacy-respecting site, and you are not obligated to share your creation here if you do not want to. We'd still love to hear about it though, if you're willing to share process and details!

How do I enter?

Participants will formally announce their plans to enter into Timasomo on November 1st in the Roll Call thread posted in ~creative.

What if I have ideas for how to run the event?

Please share them here! I am facilitating the event, but I am completely open to feedback and suggestions to make this the best event possible. I want this to be Tildes' event, not kfwyre's!

This Thread: Planning!

This year I'm rolling the announcement and planning thread into one. Feel free to use this thread to post ideas, give feedback on others' ideas, set up collaborations, and ask any questions you have. Everything in here is non-committal -- you won't be officially entering until the Roll Call thread is posted, so this is just a big community brainstorm.

Also, please do NOT start work yet! Planning and other preparations are allowed before the first (e.g. acquiring supplies/materials), but save the creative process for the 1st!

I'm looking forward to another great round of awesome projects!

In the discussion "Does the internet feel American centric to you?", various people mentioned living in different countries. In particular @Adys mentioned living in 5 different European countries and offered to give advice to those who are interested in moving to another country. I'd love to hear what the challenges are, and in particular how you get the courage to speak to native speakers in a language you don't speak very well.

For me, my spouse and I are considering (someday) buying property in Greece. Her family is of Greek descent, though she was born and grew up in the states. We're both learning Greek now and hope that in the future we can get back there and possibly even have a vacation home there one day. She has relatives who have homes there and in the states.

The IFSC is an international governing body for competitive climbing, recognised by the Olympic Committee. Sport climbing is now an Olympic sport. There are three disciplines: lead, boulder, and speed. In the Olympics the climbers will do all three disciplines.

In speed climbing there are two 15 meter tall walls with hand and footholds attached. The two walls are the same as each other. The layout is fixed -- the same layout is used for each competition. Two climbers race each other up the wall, and the winners go on to race each other up the wall.

Here's Wired with a useful introduction to speed climbing: Why it's almost impossible to climb 15 meters in 5 seconds I like this video because it gives a good "elevator pitch" introduction to the 3 disciplines, and then gives a good detailed intro to speed climbing. They talk about beta and some of the beta-breaks that have decreased the time taken to get up the wall.

Here's Albert Ok with a quite personal video about his training for speed climbing. I won't say more because I don't want to spoil it, but it's a nice description of training. 5 Lessons I learned speed climbing for 150+ hours

Here's Magnus Midtbø and Pete Whittaker having fun in a gym, challenging each other to a speed climbing dual. (The whole video is a fun watch - they both seem like nice, chill, people and they have good on screen chemistry with each other). I challenge Pete to a speed climbing dual

The most recent speed world cup was in Chamonix 2019. The next one (for speed and boulder) will be 28th - 30th May in Salt Lake City. The IFSC tend to live stream the events.

Hello my lovelies,

I struggle with a moderate amount of anxiety and obsession with self-image, which tend to amalgamate as some kind of depression or other over time. At least I think they do. I've never really been sure if what I experience is actually depression, or if I'm just a Mopey Idiot, or if I have a more acute cognitive issue that I'm not aware of.

I keep very precise semi-quantitative logs of my mood and behavior every day, and they suggest to me that some of my stress is related to being a little overloaded. I'm working on cutting back on some of that responsibility. But it's also extremely obvious to me that, for quite some time—I think since about early October 2019—I've lacked the physical energy that typically allows me to be consistently happy. There was no one, singular "proximate cause" two years ago, certainly it was none of my actual obligations (at that time I had very little work to speak of). However, I nevertheless very distinctly remember that my energy was suddenly just sapped, and has not come back to the level it was at before. The best theory I have is that it might've been a mini-existential crisis triggered immediately by some books I'd been reading, with a background of relatively more social isolation than usual. There have been specific circumstances since then in which I can be high-energy (and I mean be, not just act like I am), but they are fleeting and rare. The overall background energy of my life has been different.

In short, I do not really have a solid anchor per se, even as I have many little mini-anchors. I have been floating around for a while as a result.

At least that has been my working theory for a little while. The persistence of my condition has led me to question whether that theory is useful, or whether there is something fundamentally wrong with my brain. I am Young and Naive so I simply do not know how to tell. The pandemic has made it much more challenging to figure out the root cause of my problems, because I cannot tell if they are just because I can't do the fun activities I like doing in the social environments I like doing them in, or something presumably biochemical.

Things that each help a little:

• Getting more sleep
• Getting more exercise
• Being good about meditating, or when my therapist is useful (rarely)
• Being successful (I have a job for the summer and a likely career after I graduate. Knock on wood)
• Being hot as fuck (I'm not that attractive, but I feel pretty after I exercise, or when I dress nice, or when people compliment my body)

Things that each help a lot:

• Having extremely attentive and caring friends
• Not being around people who constantly drain me
• Consuming certain substances

Specifically, the most non-low-energy I've felt in a long time was when I ate some funky little mushrooms with my friend this year. Specifically, after I snapped back to reality (mom's spaghetti). I was just more alert and more able to function properly. My brain operated at its normal capacity; words flowed freely from my mouth in a gorgeous array of sentences; positive banter was at an all-time high; I was positive and optimistic; and so on. You know how you can sort of visualize the ideas popping around and the gears turning when you're sober but just really on top of your social life? Well that's what it was. Unfortunately my ability to be a normal person only lasted like 1 or 2 days from there, and then it was back to the same old.

This has made me ask the question: might it be prudent to look into some sort of legal medical prescription that would have a similar effect? That is, anti-depressants or like whatever. I'm also open to alternative treatments but I am mainly asking about prescription meds. I just don't know anything about the whole world of medication. I almost never take meds for anything ever, even physical injuries, and I'm afraid that if I start doing medication I'll never be able to stop. The concept of always being medicated is a little scary to me. Like even if it helps, I'm still worried. But I kind of feel like nothing I've done so far has been able to permanently work, so I kind of need to do something.

I appreciate any thoughts that you can give!!!

xoxoxo
beezselzak

Inspired by (or if you prefer, ripping off) @spit-evil-olive-tips ' moving thread.

I'm a US expat with Hungarian citizenship, moving with two native Hungarian friends (plus a dog and 2 cats), to The Hague. We have an apartment there, all 3 animals are chipped and vaccinated (and we 3 are not...). My cousin will be driving us there in about a month.

We already have an appointment, a couple days after the move, to register our BRPs and BSNs at the local govt office. Sooner would be better, but it must be done in person, and right now, I don't relish the idea of a 2nd trip across the EU just to get registered a bit faster.

I'm primarily looking for tips on smoothly integrating into Dutch society ... utilities, banking, health care, whatever else I'm forgetting to worry about. But I'm open to any tips regarding any aspect of moving between countries in the EU, in the middle of a poorly-managed global pandemic.

Side-note for the entrepreneurs: In the US, you can rent a car, truck or trailer anywhere, drive it to anywhere else ... and leave it there. I appreciate the added complexities of an int'l version of that service, but if anyone can be the first to resolve those challenges in the EU ... $$$. Or rather, €€€.

ETA: Any advice posted to @spit-evil-olive-tips thread need not be repeated here.

Last week there was a discussion where a few folks took the plunge and quit reddit, including myself.

@acdw mentioned us having a ~noreddit community to support each other and I actually really liked the idea. But in lieu of that, I thought maybe a follow up thread might be a good idea. Just to see how everyone who quit reddit is doing, what challenges they've faced, and maybe share alternative ways to kill time.

For me, I've done pretty well. I've been to reddit a few times by accident (damn you, muscle memory!), scrolled a little, then remembered I quit. Then I mov on to something else. In its place I've spent a lot more time on twitter and medium. I have a very strong love/hate relationship with both of those sites. There's a lot of decent content there, but there's a ton of garbage to sift through. Very much like reddit in that regard, but not quite as easy to fine-tune, imo.

Anyone got any good recommendations?

Hi my lovelies,,

I've been having a hard time over the past few weeks because my life is pretty much a never-ending stream of problems and insecurities right now, most of which I cannot resolve for at least a few months. This has led me into a state of intense listlessness and unhappiness. I do not like being unhappy and have Officially Decided that I would like to be happy again. But I think I need some help getting there.

Moving beyond the basic "I'm terribly lonely in this very unpleasant pandemic" stuff, my main issue is that I actually am not alone at all, at least physically or socially, I am just alone emotionally/spiritually. I live with a bunch of other people my age and certianly have opportunities for interactions (quite a few). I get dinner with some of my very favorite people every week (on Wednesday!!!!) and am kept on at least a slightly consistent social/exercise schedule with some of my other very favorite people every day. My issue is that in most or possibly all of these settings, there is something preventing me from totally relaxing. I can only talk about my surface-level problems, like "oh haha I'm so busy with class ahah lol joke" and not "my deepest darkest insecurities are clawing their way into my brain more intensely every day and I Cannot Stop Them." Its like I keep my little shield up the whole time and don't allow myself to be vulnerable. I suspect there are a few factors going on here:

• I have several leadership positions, either formally or informally, and actually have a very difficult time not stumbling into them and accepting more responsibility in general. I think I have internalized the stoicism or steadfastness I try to exemplify in those positions, in my everyday life
• I often (usually?) look like I have my shit together, even when I very much do not. My default way of existing is just pretty relaxed and I think people assume that means I have no stress in my life (false lol)
• I like it when people think and say Good Things about me and not when they think and say Bad Things about me, and that includes their perceptions of me as someone who has their shit together all the time

sooo the leadership thing is unfortunate because it means that kind ofa lot of people look up to me as a beacon of stability and idealness. I know this because I have been told it several times by several different people, and it's sort of obvious when people emulate your mannerisms or call you at 2 am because they're drunk and lost and need help. There is exactly a 0% chance that I will do anything other than express my normal "everything is going good" attitude when I am running a meeting or giving a presentation or whatever because doing so would signify "everything isNOT good" and therefore "oh no help where is my beacon of stability beezselzak ahhhhhhh" (we cannot have a crisis at the same time because I must be there to attend to their crisis whenever it happens. Part of the job) And also it would upset my narcissistic tendency toward being perfect always.

Even when I'm with my friends, who I can be at least moderately normal around, I still find it very difficult to begin talking about anything that is rather Serious because it is much more pleasant to just talk about enjoyable things, and though I see these people on a regular basis, it is not ever for very much time, so I don't want to waste it. I would feel very awkward bringing up serious mental health problems at dinner. And also even though we're close friends there is still a little bit of an expectation to have your life under control? you know how it is. I have 2-3 people who are sort of individual confidants (about specific things), and there are occasions where we can have very insightful conversations. But it's hard because the covid makes getting together unrealistic and I find it very challenging to initiate Serious Conversations over the telephone. And even in person, I still think I have some barriers yet to break with them.

The end result here is that I am kinda just walkin around every day with a lot of issues and nowhere to exactly put them, and everyone thinks it's all sunshine and roses and I really feed into that perception because it makes me feel good short-term (even though it makes me feel worse long-term). I have a therapist, but you know how that goes. It's not the same as talking to a peer, which is really where I'm stuck. So this is my question to the wise and learned gentlefolk of Tildes:

How do I shed this annoying habit of trying to be perfect even when it's really not necessary and really not helpful? I know that there's a problem, I just can't give up my leadership positions (at least for now) and am having a hard time giving up my narcissism.

and yes yes I do therapy and journaling and the mindful meditation and whatever, I am not interested in generic self-help advice. I'm more curious about your rituals, or forms of understanding that are personal to your struggles in regard to being vulnerable with friends, your SO, and people who look up to you. I'd like to learn more about how any of this might resonate with you, and then how you have dealt/would deal with it yourself. Because I am Young And Naive I think I lack most of the experiential knowledge about like, "how to exist," and I want to be able to take your ideas into account. Things that matter, things that really just don't matter, ways to conceptualize the self versus the great vast universe of possibility and collective individuality to ultimately be less concerned with perfection and the like. etc. Also I ought to teach some of these people how to be better at being independent functional humans and that is a little tricky when I am not one myself.

xoxoxo
beezselzak