66
votes
What was the last event that significantly improved your life?
For me, it was getting an APAP machine, which means that I started sleeping effectively again.
For me, it was getting an APAP machine, which means that I started sleeping effectively again.
Coming out. My wife came out as trans, and we went from living as a straight cis couple -> queer couple.
It was shocking, like getting tossed in a cold pool, to be treated so differently. A lot has been really difficult. Politics and media are cruel, we're scapegoats. But personally, we are thriving.
I found it surprisingly easy to give up the alcohol i was retreating into, once I stopped hiding part of myself. My wife has cut off her toxic family. We exercise and garden. In spite of all the difficulties, it is truly SO MUCH BETTER to be yourself. The relief is unparalleled.
Ditto on coming out. I could not possibly live any other way - I feel for all those who are stuck in the closet because it's too dangerous to live their truth
It's awful. My wife is so. much. happier. And i know that most of the people fomenting hate are only doing it for twisted political gain.
I wish they gave enough of a fuck to consider it. Watching the person you love most in the world be targeted, used as a slur and constantly made to feel unwanted and ugly by society is intensely painful.
I am so sad for everyone without support. I have picked up & put my wife back together several times, and i do not know how a person could do it without help.
Stay strong and safe out there, friend :) were in this together
As a trans woman, your wife is lucky to at least have someone as supportive as you, and i hope to find someone like you out there. They're doing all of this to distract people from other very real issues. I wish everyday it wasn't this way, and it hurts deeply to see people, often very young people, being pushed to suicide, or even murdered, because of something beyond their control. Remember, we will have our victory one day.
It does sharpen the pain that people are dying and being murdered over political theatrics. Absolutely gut wrenching that we aren't better as a species, on top of how much it piles on our daily lives. Smfh.
Thank you for the kind words! I never thought I'd be so lucky to find someone so right for me. I hope you find someone wonderful. We were coworkers trying to help each other date at first, and we just.. understood each other.
We will prevail.
lol im getting teary eyed looking at this, gives me hope. everyone i know is an asshole, i've even had a "friend" (who was always a douchebag now that i think about it) call me a fag and start ignoring me when i told them im trans. And after all of it i think i've lately started thinking that everyone is an asshole and that it is futile to get attached to people if they'll just let you down. Seeing people like you makes me realise that maybe im wrong, and that there might be some genuinely good people out there.
Im planning on escaping my enviroment when im ready. its hard but one day if im still there i might meet someone, either a friend or partner, who is good.
Anyways, sorry if this comment at all bothered you, i sorta started ranting. And remember: A battle is won before it is ever fought. Love will prevail. And i hope i haven't died to early to see that day
I'm sure you'll meet someone! There are decent people out there, and you are so lovable! Everyone needs a good rant sometimes, no problem.
My wife went through several terrible depressions before we met, and she almost didn't survive it. I am so glad she was still here for me. There is an excellent chance your someone is waiting to meet you. And we didn't meet until our 30s.
Keep being yourself at every opportunity, and take time to do hobbies, read a CPTSD book, and care for yourself. And rant to me anytime <3
Getting treatment for burnout and getting the hell out of that company.
I've always lived by the mantra of "work to live, don't live to work" and it's helped me immensely. I have nothing but apathy for my job and any issues that arise. I don't think at all about my job when I'm not in the building, and that includes when I'm on my breaks.
Granted my job itself is pretty low stakes, but that was also a conscious choice when I applied.
Yeah, it used to be my mantra as well, as I was "lucky" enough to have horrible bosses right at the start of my "career".
But I am someone who wants to perform,. and I want to change things, also don't shy away from responsibility.
So .. my jobs got bigger and bigger, and I was responsible - for my team, the projects, the budget...
And the company happily piled tasks and responsibilities and projects and on and on and on...
So for the longest time afterwards I'd say I barely missed burnout... but I was right in there.
Therapy helped, as did the change of companies.
This was exactly my problem as well. I quit my job in March.
I loved the job itself and a lot of the responsibilities involved, but there were people there that were more than happy for me to take care of things that should not have been my responsibility. I changed positions in 2020 and either kept my old responsibilities or had to jump in and save someone else who couldn’t handle it all the way up till the end.
I was also on track to start taking on more responsibilities that were technically above my pay grade and I knew I was never going to be compensated for it.
There are times where I question myself, but I definitely made the right decision. Towards the end there I had several conversations with my boss about how I could manage it but I eventually gave up and left behind the huge weight on my shoulders.
Striking the right balance between keeping work interesting but not overwhelming is key. I wish I could give some advice but I haven’t quite figured it out myself.
It sounds like that’s where you got your username from.
One might think so, but alas... no
One might twist the German meaning to "a person that aims" but no.. the word is the target person, like in a spy thriller "We have the target".
I started using this way back in counterstrike akin to "bullet sponge" or "magnetic helmet".
PS:
I guess we'll better not discuss your username.
Damn compound words! Get the meanings backwards all the time.
My wife grew up in Tadjikistan.
The family is of German decent, and they also talked German at home.
Nevertheless, they turn around some compound words in the family, and it is hilarious as hell.
That's incredibly interesting! I've met people from whole lot of countries, but Tajikistan is not one of them. I'd love to learn from your wife what it was like growing up there.
I can answer questions via DM, if interested, contact me.
YMMV. Developing apathy for a job I feel forced to do just so I can live the rest of the time when I don’t work is exactly how I get burned out.
This is where I’m at right now. I used to think that my job didn’t matter as long as it allowed me to live a decent life outside of work, but I’m seriously second guessing things.
What do you do when you don't enjoy your job but it also makes you too tired to look for new opportunities?
Asking for a friend ;)
There is no easy way out, I am afraid.
Either you get upo and find "job enrichment" in tasks that you enjoy, or kind of building yourself a new job... or you look for something new, tiredness be damned.
How does that work, how did you start, and why are you better off?
Well, I am a psychologist (not a therapist and don't work in the field), so I am a horrible client.
To start, burnout is related to depression. Some go even so far as to say it is just a new name for depression as for managers it sounds better to be "burnt out" than depressed.
For me, I go with the definition of "work-induced" depression.
A lot of the stories in the realm of burnout are people that fight against windmills and get rewarded with more windmills to fight. That was me.. at that job I was teamlead (horrible idea in a matrix org), 7 or more projects of varying sizes, a very demanding international bank as a customer, and more.
How does the process work / start
I talked to my general physician about the situation, and he put me on antidepressants to tide me over until the date with the psychiatrist.
The way it works here in Switzerland is doctor --> Psychiatrist --> Psychologist.
The first two are to check if there is a health issue, too. A psychologist can also not write any prescriptions. In therapy, you are in the care of both psychs.
I saw the psychiatrist 6 weeks later, and he upped the antidepressants (Serotonin reuptake blockers) and added something to calm me down if I was feeling the stress and anxiety creep up, as well as something to help me sleep.
Psychological therapy (talk therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy) began as well, letting me talk through the stuff happening.
Throughout this, I was talking to the psychiatrist as well, checking up on meds, side effects, etc.. (Changed the antidepressants once)
The outcomes were multiple. On one hand, the meds helped, on the other hand, there were some private issues about dealing with work and the workload.
What became clear immediately was that I needed to leave THAT company.
Also clear was that my issues needed to be dealt with - therapy helped.
How did it help?
I was a horrible talk therapy client, but it still helped think through some things.
I changed jobs to another job with one might say even more responsibility, as the projects have REAL impact, BUT a boss who understands work life balance, and a non-toxic environment.
Thing is, I want this type of project, as I believe that IT can have a lasting influence for the better.
I am happy I can be a happy part of that now.
Things make more sense now, I learned some strategies, and I have a better environment.
PS:
I am off the meds, but I know where to turn to if I run into the same wall.
😩👌
This is a great question; gives reason to think about things to be grateful for. Similarly, I was prescribed medication that has alleviated some lifelong GI issues. I was able to gain about 30 pounds (I was very underweight due to the issues.) Now I can eat again, and it's drastically improved my life. (Side note: never take for granted the ability to eat!)
This is my first post on tildes, so I hope I'm doing it ok.
Congratulations!
thank you, and you as well!!
Mine would be moving to the United States from the Philippines last year, right after the results of the election that put the son of former dictator Ferdinand Marcos into power. It was a hard decision to make, especially since I had to go alone (my wife and kids are not American yet, so they remain in Manila), but thinking about what opportunities this opens up for my family in the future is all the motivation I need to keep on this path.
It's funny; my parents did the exact same thing back in the 80s during the height of Martial Law in the Philippines. They fled for their own safety, became naturalized US citizens, had me and my siblings, and started new lives. History repeating itself in just one generation.
Nobody asked, but my opinion has always been that the US should have a fast track policy for immigration from countries we've invaded/conquered. It's largely forgotten now (at least among US citizens), but the US conquest of the Philippines after the Spanish-American War was fairly bloody and brutal.
My understanding is that there's a fair amount of goodwill for the US among Filipinos after WWII, but it's my belief that nothing good ever comes of forgetting history. Perhaps our leaders will be more circumspect about the invasion of sovereign nations if we're compelled to take responsibility for the citizens of nations we've invaded.
I love the idea of responsibility for the past actions of a nation, we absolutely need more.
Conquest always involves toppling a regime. If the US has invaded a country with the intent to hold their territory, then yes, I believe we should give citizens of that country a special fasttrack to immigrating to the US.
That's a tough one, because the US gets up to a lot of skullduggery that isn't as cut-and-dry as "we invaded you and overthrew the established social order lol."
I think that yes, we probably should extend some concessions to people from those nations. If our beloved leaders are going to dictate to people how their societies operate, the people there should enjoy some of the benefits we enjoy.
However, I have no easy litmus to test for when that boundary has been crossed. If Putin crashes and burns because of our financial sanctions, should we extend favored immigrant status to Russians? That doesn't seem appropriate.
I'm aware that it's not a simple thing I'm proposing, but then invading and/or overthrowing a different nation shouldn't be an easy, consequence-free prospect either.
If your parents already had moved to the US and you were born and raised there, what was your reason to temporarily return to the Phillipines in the first place?
Simply, my parents decided to move us all back. Martial Law had ended, my grandparents were getting older and sicker, and my parents thought it'd be a good time to return to their motherland. So not my reason per se, but the reason. I didn't have much agency over such big life choices as an 11-year old.
Congratulations on your move - I hope you'll be reunited with your family soon. I can't imagine how hard that must be.
It seemed like in many ways Duterte was the Philippines' equivalent to Trump (populist, nationalist, etc) and I'm not sure that things have improved under "Bongbong" Marcos (even here in the US the stories of his parents' corruption is well-known).
Hope you find happiness and success here!
My girlfriend becoming an ex a year and some ago. Let me realize how unhappy I was, and why I wasn't able to truly relax with her. I learned that they will never get "better".
This really resonates with me, I left my Ex a few years ago (a result of covid/lockdowns, which I’m still thankful for) and the feeling of weight off your shoulders is incredible, wouldn’t you say?
Definitely. It was quite the experience. :3
Yes, for me losing the Ex was probably the best thing that could have happened. My depression and anxiety was unmanageable. I now have a place of my own, depression under control and I no longer wake up with a 24 hour anxiety attack. And no one judging me about everything. It’s amazing.
I suppose as a single event it was when I ended my first real adult relationship, which was the trigger for learning about attachment theory (at age 35) and gaining some understanding into why I struggled to connect with people either platonically or romantically.
It's an ongoing self improvement journey, but simply having the words to use to talk about the things I'd struggled with my entire adult life has gone a very long way towards changing my outlook, my opinion of myself and my need to connect with others.
The Power of Attachment by Diane Poole Heller was a pretty life changing read for me.
What did you learn about attachment theory that was interesting to you?
I learned that there's names for things I was feeling for a good chunk of my adult life. I always understood that I didn't connect with people the way I saw others connect, I wasn't driven towards relationships or intimacy (emotional or otherwise), and it made me feel like an outcast, like I was missing something that just came naturally to other people. I felt broken and incapable of feeling, a robot. My self worth was intrinsically linked to my inability to connect with others at the emotional level that I wanted, and thanks to suppressing my own needs for the benefit of others I never even understood that having needs (like even a need for emotional connection) was OK.
I tried, during my late teens and 20s to form friendships and relationships with people but it was like I reached an... intimacy wall that I was never able to cross.
It turns out I had no idea what emotional safety is and I was unable to exist in the world without a persona that protected the "real" me.
But I didn't know how to explain that to people, I didn't know how to talk about my own emotional life and I was scared of any sort of vulnerability with others because of the mistaken belief that all vulnerability ends in pain.
Attachment theory, to me, is a sort of "unifying" theory that glues together a bunch of observations I made of my own existence and emotional state in a manner that allowed me to finally make sense of it and take steps towards changing things. It made me realise that how we feel and how we connect to people are not static, they are learned behaviours, and that means they can be adjusted over time.
It doesn't apply to everything but I've found it relevant in quite a lot of areas of my life, both professionally and personally.
This is something I’ve been trying to put to words for a long time. I moved constantly as a kid and didn’t have supportive parents, so I learned very quickly that I couldn’t need anyone or anything. For a while, it made me feel grown up and intelligent, but now I just feel crushingly lonely. I have no idea of how to fix it, and when I try anyways, my impulse is to immediately give up.
I don’t mean to dump all this in this thread, but my point is: thank you for sharing your experience, and that book. I think I’ll have to read it soon.
If it helps any, one of the key parts of attachment theory is essentially that these behaviours are learned incredibly early and then reinforced throughout our childhood, teens and even adulthood.
They essentially become emotional reflexes - and if you've ever tried to override a physical reflex, you'll understand why it's so hard to override emotional reflexes as well.
I had the same issue with asking for help, and even though I was able to rationalise consciously that asking for help was not weakness, it was not the conscious "me" (the ego) stopping me from seeking therapy. It was the subconscious emotional reflex trying to save me from being hurt again. As with almost everything, the first step is always the hardest.
Hey, cool!
It's a great read, and there's a reason I recommended it, which is that it is one of the few books about attachment trauma and the attachment styles that does not flat out villainize avoidance - but it is just one book, and there's a lot of good information out there if you find you enjoyed it.
I know if I had read one of the less compassionate texts about it I might not have continued exploring and learning more about it.
I actually gave it to my mum and within about 5 minutes she was like "It's you! This one here is you!", which is not what I was hoping she would realise - but at the end of the day we only have a responsibility to heal ourselves, and we can't always drag others along with us!
Deciding to send the application for a chance to win an online bootcamp sponsorship 6 years ago.
Before, I was struggling to make ends meet and now I am heading to become a senior developer making a stable income.
Changing careers in my mid thirties wasn’t easy, especially with two kids and a partner that didn’t speak German at that time. But it worked out and our life is significantly better.
Helps that my wife now speaks the language and can work as a doctor here.
The other decision was to take running more seriously and work on my overall fitness. From losing 20kg to preparing for my third half-marathon in two weeks, it’s been an awesome journey so far.
I've considered totally pivoting my career by going the bootcamp route. You said you won a sponsorship - do you mind if I ask how much your financial obligation was? In hindsight, if you didn't get sponsored, would it have been worth it to pay the cost yourself?
I don’t mind at all. To be honest, it was probably more of a MOOC. The Udacity Nano Degree to be exact.
Total cost would have been around 2500$ for a ten month program. Thanks to a Google Scholarship I didn’t pay anything.
I wouldn’t have been able to do it without the help. Would it have been worth it? Probably, but it’s hard to tell and I guess the underlying question is, should you go that route or not.
Thanks to the program, I was able to gain the perspective that I was in fact able to get into the field at all. That applying for a developer job was not something unreachable for me. Going in, it was just some escapism for me to do something different while I was stressing out over supporting my family.
The other thing you might get out of a bootcamp is connections, but you can get those at meetups and conferences as well.
It’s a tough question. I have some colleagues that went that route and are happy.
Happy to chat about it, if you like to talk more.
Ich hab vorher versucht als DaF Lehrer über die Runden zu kommen. Das Unterrichten selbst hat viel Spaß gemacht, leider ist die Bezahlung mit 20€ brutto nicht dafür gemacht eine vierköpfige Familie zu unterhalten.
Am meisten geändert hat sich mein alltäglicher Stresslevel, da ich mir nicht mehr den Kopf zerbrechen muss, ob ich einkaufen gehe oder die Miete zahle.
Getting prescribed and starting MtF HRT. Everything is just clicking. My relationships are improving, my self-confidence is growing, I'm writing some of the best music I have in years, and I feel like my brain is just working, in ways that it hasn't seemed to in a very long time.
Before I started taking the pills, I kept myself from having too high expectations of what the hormones could do for me, mental-health wise. But 6 weeks in, and I feel fantastic, and I am mentally the healthiest I think I have ever been. I didn't expect 2 little tablets a day to be such a panacea, but here we are!
In fact coming out more broadly has been such a huge improvement to my life, the hormones are like an added bonus. The unbridled contentment I feel in myself from transition isn't like anything else I have experienced in my life. I didn't realise I could ever be this happy.
Hell yeah, congratulations! I think one of the few subs I'll miss from reddit is transtimelines. It was always so amazing to see how much more confident and happy people looked after they found themselves, it made my day.
Courage, sister! Being an adult is hard enough without adding all of the gender-related trauma into the mix. I'm proud of you for all the progress you've made <3
I feel awful saying this but... the pandemic.
Nobody in my family, including myself, are high-risk and therefore we never had any real anxiety caused by the fear of becoming ill. We're all quite relaxed people who generally make information driven decisions, so we were all happy to comply with lockdown restrictions and mask wearing. We all just got on with life. It was a bit sad not being able to see each other for a while, but...:
My life has improved so much since that time period, and I am so grateful. But I also feel some genuine guilt as I know what a god-awful time it was for so many workers (medical, food-service and all the other essential workers) and for those that lost loved ones, missed funerals or are dealing with the after effects of COVID in some form or another now.
I wouldn't feel guilty if I were you. It wasn't the pandemic that improved your life, it was the opportunity to reexamine the things you were doing and reappraise them for their real value.
Thanks for that. You are right, and perhaps guilty was the wrong word. I am just strongly empathetic to those that did not have such a good outcome.
I suspect you'd be empathetic even if you hadn't personally experienced positive effects from the event.
The real shame of the thing is that so many of us feel obligated to do things that don't enrich our lives. A person -- especially one with a healthy empathy -- might not notice when they've tripped over that fine line of being a good citizen, a good friend, a good family member, into sinking themselves into a quagmire of duty and obligation that doesn't really serve anyone very well. It's not an easy thing to discern, which is why it came as a revelation to so many when the entire social order was upheaved in the early phases of the pandemic.
For me, it was quitting caffeine. For the past five years or so, I wasn't sleeping very well. I thought it was because of job stress and a recently adopted cat right before the pandemic. I had been drinking coffee regularly for about twenty years, so it never occurred to me that it might be related, even though I always stopped drinking coffee by the early afternoon because I recognized it impacted my sleep if I drank it beyond that time. I was inspired to try quitting caffeine altogether after hearing an interview with Michael Pollan for his most recent book on psychedelic drugs. He wanted to investigate his relationship with caffeine, so he decided to try eliminating it completely. He experiences some downsides to quitting, but one of the positives was that he said he started sleeping like a baby. So I decided to try it out, and lo and behold, my sleep very quickly improved. Where before I was regularly waking up (and staying up) in the middle of the night, now I'm usually able to quickly fall back to sleep. I'm often now sleeping in until my partner wakes up, which was completely unheard of before. I'm remember my dreams more often and my cat's nighttime antics no longer affect me the way they did before. Interestingly, one other effect I've noticed is that while my early morning energy levels are reduced, I have much more sustained energy throughout the day, particularly in the afternoon where before I was often crashing and generally useless past 1 or 2 pm. The worst part is the mornings though. It's really difficult to jump out of bed and into my day. I miss the ability to dial up my energy levels, but the higher quality sleep is really fantastic. I don't think I'll go back to regularly consuming caffeine, although I may experiment occasionally consuming it after I've continued this complete abstinence project for a few more months.
I have recently had the opposite path, starting takong coffee more regularly in the lasr few months as the work load increased. I am trying to limit my intake because I am already seeing some small changes in the quality of my sleep.
May I suggest a breakfast high in protein to get early energy?
My go to breakfast is :
I have a lot of energy and am not hungry until noon with this meal. Moreover, it can help woth a high protein / low fat diet.
Good suggestion. I haven't really looked to see if my morning energy is affected by my breakfast, but I'll monitor it more now to see what impact it has.
This is a big one. I used to be off caffeine for some time and can confirm the sleep quality. Somewhere along the road I fell off the wagon, started drinking caffeine again and am afraid of the withdrawal when I get off again.
It will be some days off brutal tiredness and headaches, but it has to be done.
I was really worried about the headaches too because I also suffer from migraines and was worried I'd trigger one from quitting. I did a pretty careful taper down, eventually using Nespresso coffee pods to be very specific in my dosage down on the taper. I got some decaf ones to mix in when I started getting down to really low levels. It worked pretty well. Just some very minor headache for a few days.
Slow decrease is the way to go, when one wants to keep being able to function. Experience tells me though that I am more of a cold turkey person.
I don't always sleep well--I have periods (usually a few days) of insomnia sometimes, or nightmares that wake me up. But I also have plenty of nights of what feels like good quality sleep. So even though I'm always uneasy about whether caffeine is making my sleep worse than it should be, it's hard to say so conclusively. Maybe I don't drink enough for it to do me much harm (and I do enjoy it). How much coffee did you use to drink?
I typically drank two or three 8 oz. cups of coffee in the morning
I'm glad you were able to quit. Without doing the math that sounds like it's beyond the safe threshold.
Can you comment on how much coffee you were drinking? I have a cup in the morning and usually another in the afternoon; I wonder if just that is enough to cause sleep issues.
I am a light sleeper and when you pair that with a spouse that snores and young children who like to sleep in your bed there's definitely other issues to address. Thanks!
I drank about the same amount as you do, although I only ever drank it in the morning. I thought I was a light sleeper too, and suppose I still am. But I'm finding that I'm sleeping much more soundly through the night than I was when drinking coffee, and when I do wake up I fall back to sleep easier. Here's a good article on the guy who inspired me to try it, it's worth a read if you're interested! https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2020/08/author-michael-pollan-discusses-how-caffeine-changed-the-world/
I'll check it out, thanks!
Moving from San Francisco to Germany.
While I have nothing specificly wrong with the US nor my decades of living there, some aspects of adulting I would happily have given up if I had an option. I prefer no robocalls, bikes not being stolen (as freqently), tic tacs that aren't 0 calories/carbohardrates* (nutrition labels are per 100g not per serving here), insurance that insures ... it just seems the social contract is closer to "don't be a duck" vs "what can I get away with".
The move happened just prior to Corona so hearing from US friends the mask situation perhaps flavored my opinion.
Sad truth is, they are starting to become more common. and they try to scam/phish people by robo-announcing that they are the pan-european police initiative Europol.
I see you have not moved to Aachen, then.
I am in the bubble of places I have visited and it is always interesting to hear about other areas.
Ex: San Francisco had a homeless encampment adjacent to City Hall. It was an open market for bike parts, where you'd have seen hundreds of bikes in various states of disassembly and if you were willing the going rate was 20% of retail (what amazon.com listed) for parts.
People who lived there long enough just accepted this as the norm.
When I visited Europe (Germany, France, Netherlands), I was shocked just how alternative it was to my USA experience. It felt weird returning to the USA.
Going to Therapy. It’s helped immensely. I used to think I could get by on self-help books and journaling and while both are helpful, having a decent therapist (this is critical, there are a LOT of not great ones) has been a game changer. Having an outlet to work through life’a challenges and learn new tools in how to face the day is incredibly important.
This was a big one for me. The pandemic brought a lot of things to the surface that I was only marginally aware of that really negatively impacted my daily life. My workplace offers free therapy and my wife encouraged me to do a few sessions. I was super uncomfortable with it because I hate to talk about myself, but after a few months I saw a drastic improvement in my overall quality of life. I'm not going to therapy anymore and I still have to do the mental work, but it's getting easier day-by-day. Therapy was the boost that I needed to view myself as valuable enough to work on.
That’s such a crucial thing. Self-worth and knowing that you’re worth the effort opens all sorts of emotional doors in life I found.
Objectively? When I quit smoking (cigarettes) 5 years ago. I spent outrageous amounts of money, time, and effort on that vice. There are still times I feel like having a cig, but it's much easier to put those feelings aside now. I have better things in my life.
Subjectively, it's when I moved in with my now wife. My friends at the time didn't like her - still don't - and they cut contact after a huge kerfuffle. Looking back, all I really had left in those friendships was history. We didn't really share anything, do anything, or interact much together anymore. A bit sad about it, but I've filled my life with new friends whose interests align better with mine.
It’s amazing how we gaslight ourselves into smoking, no? I used to smoke for fifteen years and now that I am heading into twelve years clean, I couldn’t be happier.
At the same time, I see friends and people my age that are still smoking and it really takes a toll on their bodies. Guess it is difficult to notice on yourself, but seeing them really reinforced my resolve to not smoke ever again.
For me the trick to quitting was to figure out all the projection I was doing onto the act of smoking and finding a way to untangle that. Then all that was left was just bad smell and phlegm. at that point it was easy to quit.
My first real breakout, you know the kind of breakout where you've been together for 5 years, and you thought she was the one?
It made me realize how little I watched after myself and what I wanted. How can you be happy with someone if you don't take care of yourself first?
Now I'm married, been with the same lovely woman for 11 years and two young boys. Don't forget to love yourself folks!
Stellate ganglion block for PTSD. 1000% better. For real.
I did not even know that such treatment existed! Awesome that it has helped you!
Can you provide some context on how you came across this treatment and your experience with it?
The doctor who runs the ketamine clinic I was going to told me about it when I described the anxiety that I would feel under ketamine. She told me her sister had the same procedure and was enormously better.
The experience? Pure relief. Catharsis. A miracle! 90% of my emotional discomforts just vanished. I'm tapering off my anti-depressants. I'm more sensitive to stimulants now so I rarely take them or only take a 2.5mg of Adderall. I just have more ease.
Dr Lynch takes his time and is extremely considerate and conscientious of his patients. When you're with him, he's not rushing. You are the most important person to him in that moment. A true healer.
I'm very grateful.
It's weird though—getting a whole new nervous system. That's what it feels like! It's a good thing.
It's crucial to engage deeply in therapy after the SGB, if you weren't already. It creates better conditions for healing. You still have to do the work to stay healed.
The birth of my son. 5 months ago he came into this world and I went from a very nihilistic, "cold" individual to learning to love something more than myself.
He is perfect, I would do anything for him.
Major congratulations on the birth of your son, @onbran. That is so cool that it had such a transformation on you. I wish you many wonderful memories together!
Very cool indeed. Maybe Im overstating it, but Ive said people dont really understand the depth of love til you have your own child. And then you realize you would even die for them if you had to. It doesnt get much deeper than that.
Congratulations on the birth of your son.
I hated the "you'll understand when you have kids" answers you always get in certain topics.
I loathe how they have all been absolutely correct.
Having kids changes the world.
To all those yet to get it:
You'll understand when you have kids.
I've had a number of big life improvements since, but my wife landing a high-paying STEM job destroyed my sense of what "significantly" means!
I came from a working poor family: both parents working dead-end jobs to service an ever-growing mountain of credit card debt. I tried to work my way through college without taking on student loans, but dropped out as the costs kept escalating out of reach. Thankfully, my wife managed to finish hers and after nearly a decade of working in retail, she landed a job that tripled our household income alone, which has only grown with career advancement.
Rocketing from working poor to upper-middle has been absolutely wild. I discovered an account I didn't even know we had that was valued at $5k, and I said "huh, neat"—I was laughing uproariously a moment later when it sunk in just how ridiculous that was after years of excitement over finding a $20 in a old jacket pocket! The inevitability of debt is gone, the degree of savings is unreal, and financial anxieties have been extinct since.
Getting medicated for ADHD. It's one thing to stop bouncing around from half-started task to task, or to suddenly have the ability to sit down and write when I want. Those are the expected results. The less commonly a discussed things are the sudden reduction in social anxiety. The disappearance of the shame for taking up space. The absence of the constant paranoia and need for meaning.
I'm still curious, and emotionally labile, even hypersensitive, but I don't need to reality check everything, and my mind isn't forcing me to construct obfuscated messages out of noise 24/7. I'm choosing when I do so now.
I've been procrastinating on my packet of questions for ADHD and this post is motivating me to try to do it. I've been alternating between drowning and barely treading water so here's hoping that things get better.
Good luck on getting that done! It's definitely worth at least trying medication for it. The side effects, both short and long term, are much lesser than the FUD around them would indicate, and for most of them, you can find out if it's "working for you" within a week or so, so the process is very rapid once you get started with a decent psych.
This is all great info, thank you so much. I'm going to work on it tonight.
A lot of job-related posts, but it's still the most recent big improvement for me.
I applied for an assembly line technician job through a temp agency because I have a lot of construction/manufacturing experience and I just needed something. (I'd taken a few months off after burnout and was staying with family, but my savings were running out.) The temp agency looked at my resume and noticed that several years earlier I'd had a job in aerospace for a few months. They had another aerospace opening available and asked if I was interested. Of course I said yes, and that's when they told me it was nearly double the hourly rate of the technician job.
Well, fast forward a few weeks and I got the job. Within a few months I was hired on full time as a member of a quality engineering team with another gigantic (to me) bump in pay. Now I'm looking into buying a house for myself. Less than two years ago I was living in my pickup truck because I couldn't afford rent anywhere near a job I could get.
I got a new job 2 months ago and I'm so much happier because of it.
Use to work in the private industry as a project manager. Everyone was my boss, I was constantly thinking of work outside of work hours, and it just took a toll on me.
I now work for a non-profit, public owned utility. I'm an engineer thats a part of the IBEW. I enjoy the work more and I feel like my work actually matter since it directly helps my community out.
Its wild how much a new job can change your everyday mood.
Deciding to do something about my weight.
I had reached 234.5lbs, was snoring, noticed effort with breathing when going to sleep on my back, couldn't comfortably put on/take off my boots with my belt buckled.
Did a few days of research on how to go about effectively losing weight in a way that wouldn't make me miserable and implemented those measures.
It's been 2 1/2 months now, and just yesterday I weighed in at the 215.8 mark - over 18 pounds lost so far. I've had to tighten my belt twice now during this time as my pants kept sagging down, I can already breathe easily on my back when going to sleep (which means I have no issues when my cat wants to fall asleep laying down on top of me), and my snoring is reduced.
Sugar is evil. I do miss sugar.
Congrats and keep up the great work. Getting serious about your health is such a wonderful thing, and your future self will thank you so much for it.
Thank you!
I didn't use to need to pay attention to what I ate, but I'm 40 now and no longer have the advantage of being in my 20s or early 30s and my body not caring what I put in it while staying at the same weight.
It's amusing that I find myself annoyed at the thought of having to buy new pants. 'Oh no, woe is me, since I'm losing weight my clothing is too saggy, woe!' The frugal part of me is quite stubbornly annoyed at the expense which for some reason I didn't even consider might come up, the rest of me is telling the frugal part to shut up and deal with a good problem for a change.
haha I 100% relate to this and have been there. I have had a lot of ups and downs in my weight due to some health issues. Belts are your friend lol But seriously, once you do get the clothes, I'm sure it'll only reinforce to you how much progress you've made, and it'll be nice to have that reminder.
I actually have this issue in general as I am incredibly frugal; there are lots of times when I take on a better habit, it comes with some small cost (even if it'll save some money over the long run), and I find myself being really bothered by that cost (and same, I just never anticipate it beforehand for some reason even when it's obvious). I've found it's actually a great exercise to suck it up and do it (go on with the small, annoying expense), and actually helps me shift my thinking to long term goals rather than being hyper-fixated on short term/in the moment stuff (not saying there's anything wrong with being in the moment, just it can be great to focus on longer term stuff as well.) Have no clue if this applies to you, was just throwing it out there as it was recently on my mind.
My Wife and I getting a puppy. My family had a bischon-shi-tzu mix when I was in high school, and she was (unofficially) my emotional support animal. I dont mean that in a 'shes a service dog that can go wherever she wants' way, but in a 'whenever I was having a panic attack, she would jump up on my chest an refuse to be moved' way. (she was headstrong, stubborn, and grumpy, could never have been a service animal, lol).
Unfortunately, she got was a 'grumpy ol lady', and ended up biting a small child that was playing too rough with her. Thankfully, we werent forced to put her down, but we did have to re-home her through a shelter that takes in problem dogs. It wasnt an open adoption, and I still miss her terribly to this day, and tear up just thinking of her.
Anyway, my Wife and I decided it was time to get a dog of our own, and found another bischon-shi-tzu mix, which we brought home 4 months ago. Seeing her grow and learn has been an amazing experience. She is smart, loving, and a bit mischievous, extremely social, and she has brought so much joy into our lives.
I know dog tax is more of a reddit thing, but I love any excuse to share pics of her, so here you go
Awww, she's adorable. So glad you have such a great new member of the family.
After working swing shifts for almost 30 years I finally got off the production floor and got a day job about a year ago. Less physical stress, way less mental stress. I've been able to get into a much healthier eating pattern and gave lost weight. Numerous people have told me I just seem so much happier. Hell I've even willingky worked some OT which was something I NEVER did outside of mandatory call in days while running a machine.
Moved out of my apartment and into a place next to where I grew up, with cleaner air and no upstairs neighbors/neighborhood noise.
Going back to the gym regularly.
I used to go regularly, but then covid happened. Starting is the hardest part, because reasons, but man, I missed it so much. Feeling strong is awesome. Seeing my body develop muscle definition is a unique kind of gender and body euphoria for me (I'm a cis woman, but... I just really, really like being strong and muscular!).
So yeah. Picking things up and putting them down. :)
Does the end of COVID pandemic lockdowns count? Or does it have to be something specifically personal? We had a lot of lockdowns where I live, so my life improved significantly after people got their COVID vaccinations and the lockdowns wound down.
Other than that, the last event that significantly improved my life would be getting my current job, about 6 years ago. I'd had trouble finding work for a few years before that, so getting some financial stability back was a big step up for me.
Weren't they also offering you a promotion or more hours or something a few months back?
Yes. That didn't significantly improve my life. It just gave me a little bit more spending money every pay.
However, over the past 18 months: my landlord put the rent up by 23%, my phone company increased their monthly price by 12%, the internet company increased their monthly price by 8%, the electricity company increase their rates, the gas company increased their rates, and the supermarkets put their prices up.
These days, I'm in the same financial situation I was before the pay rise 9 months ago (possibly slightly worse).
I am really, genuinely sorry to hear that.
(I'm not as brave as you, I switch my account every year, which means I have had (for me) many wonderful interactions with you, and you likely simply see some new account you don't recognize.)
Can I share some observations with you, as a direct manager of people, about pay raises?
I don't consider myself brave for continuing to use the same username for years, across platforms. There's a bit of egotism at work: I like being recognised. Also, having a continuous identity forces me to think about what I write, because I know I'm gaining a reputation with every post and comment I publish. And it provides honesty to other people, because they can see my history. Finally, as I've said here before, "With such an appropriate username, that represents so many facets of who I am, I've come to identify with it quite strongly."
Sure you can!
However, like I once told someone else here: you can ask me whatever you want, but I don't promise to answer. You can share whatever you want. This is a public forum. But I don't promise to be interested. Also, your observations may not relate to my situation. But, share away, if you want to - you don't need my permission.
Maybe other people will be interested in reading what you write, even if I'm not.
Great, like you say, this may not apply, you might already be doing this, or this may backfire horribly somehow.
Every year, you should be reminding your manager of the value you added to the company, and communicating what you are happy about, and that one thing you are unhappy about. It’s best if you stress how happy you are with the company, the people, your manager and the management team and the company strategy, and just mention one thing you are unhappy about e.g. wages.
As a manager, I am constantly surprised at how few people do this. I work at a big company, which is different from a small company. But I suspect the same rule applies. You can treat it like a shit sandwich. After talking about how happy you are, that you are happy with the company and people, after reminding him how much value you added to the company, gently and kindly remind your manager that that market wages have changed, , that prices have changed, that your wage hasn't kept up and that you are genuinely struggling with your current pay, and that you understand these things aren't easy, but that you hope at some point your wage will eventually catch up. Then tell the manager you really enjoy working for him, you find his coaching invaluable, you love your team, and other than struggling financially that you are really happy at the company.
This sort of communication helps your manager. He will hopefully be in a meeting with his manager or the owner where they decide pay raises. If the company is big enough, they have a budget, and are just slicing it up. You've given your manager everything he needs to easily lobby on your behalf. If he is a good manager, and if he values your contribution, he will.
You can ask if he wants a detailed justification, to help him further with his conversation with his boss. Then, if he is interested, you can come back the next week and list out your additional responsibilities over the year, your additional contributions over the year, the increase in market salaries, and the fact that Australian companies are more profitable now than ever (Aussie CPI is 8%, PPI is 5%, so companies on average have been able to hike prices higher than costs of goods sold), etc…
The goal is to help your manager. Give him everything he needs to lobby on your behalf. But to do it in a way that is non confrontational. So he can say during the managers meeting "Well, Algernon is an excellent worker, and is really happy working here, but if we don't give him a pay raise to keep up with inflation, I am afraid he will leave."
Just to put you in the picture: I've been working for over 30 years... [REDACTED]
In other words: when it comes to finance and employment conditions, I know my stuff.
I understand that you're trying to help, and I appreciate the sentiment... but you're trying to teach me things that I probably know better than you.
As to this specific situation...
[REDACTED]
By the way... my manager loves me. She sings my praises loudly. My company values me highly. My work is well-respected by everyone who I work with. I'm already getting paid more than the job is worth and more than my work is worth, and they just keep throwing more money at me.
During our last negotations, I made sure to remind my manager (she who loves me) to tell her manager that my job has increased in complexity, and is still increasing in complexity, so I should get paid more. And I did.
But thanks for the advice.
I have redacted portions of this comment, for privacy's sake. I made my point to the other commenter. The information doesn't need to stay beyond that.
That is wonderful to hear!
I couldn't be more happy to be completely and utterly in the wrong with regards to your specific situation.
By a weirdly curious coincidence, I also have about 30 years work experience, about 15 of which have been focused on [REDACTED], and now I am also looked to as an expert (I'm totally not, but everyone thinks I am.) My experience has nothing to do with your unique situation which I completely know nothing about. In fact, my experience is in a weird little area that is so specialized, pretty much everyone who knows anything knows everyone else who knows anything.
Edit: redacting also based on above edit.
I was a 20-year problem drinker who was fortunate enough to stop cold turkey just as covid began. My SO and I watched many, many friends develop drinking problems through quarantine/WFH, but fortunately we've also seen a huge rise in overall sobriety in our peer group as a result.
I had no idea how lucky I was to have stopped when I did, but I shudder to imagine my state during lockdowns if my drinking had gone on uninterrupted.
Coming up on four years dry, baby.
Getting confirmation my cancer remission is holding, so now I only need one medical check per year.
Going from renting an apartment in a tech hub city to paying a mortgage on a suburban house in the PNW.
The financial side of this is the most obvious improvement… I purchased just a month or two before the interest rate hike, and so now I'm paying half of what my rent used to cost for almost twice the square footage and a garage, with a payment that barely changes year-to-year. This has made it much easier to stockpile an emergency fund and has saved me from the annual stressfest of figuring out if the landlord is hiking rent this year and having other places to move to lined up if it turns out they are.
It's also vastly more quiet. The suburb is a newer development that's tightly packed so I don't have a yard to speak of, but that's fine. Not sharing a wall with anybody helps so much, and unlike in the city there's never cars blaring music or motorcycles modified to be as loud as possible driving by.
To be clear though, I'm not against city life. In fact when I lived in Japan (Tokyo) I enjoyed it a lot and suspect I'd also enjoy many European cities but the American cities I've lived in have left me feeling fatigued.
Joining a gym, lifting weights 4-5x a week. It’s greatly improved my mental health, and I’ve never felt better physically. At almost 40, I wish I had started sooner. It’s helped me gain more confidence than I’ve ever had.
I left what had become a rather toxic work environment (leaving a 23y long career) and took a risk staring someplace fresh. I was fortunate, as a former leader of mine recruited me into the new gig so I knew someone who I trust was there, but it was a bit scary to make that jump and I did give up a shitload of tenure to do it. The new gig is still work and has it's own issues, but it's nowhere near as toxic as the place I left had become, and for the first time in over 5 years I'm working close to 40h per week instead of 60-70h+.