This is not a request for new rules, as Deimos has made it clear that is not going to happen. This is not a callout post for any individual, including our esteemed admin, or any one user.

This is an honest, earnest plea. I like to joke on Tildes, so this is quite hard to write.

I've been on Tildes for a few years now, under various usernames. This site has consistently lost great users because people come into ~life.women and ~lgbt to say versions of 'I haven't seen that', 'that's not my experience', or 'I don't think this is a big issue.'

We lost another user today over this issue. People aren't aware of it, because by the time people are so disgusted they leave, it's usually just a PM notification to their closer contacts who tend to be in a similar headspace, not a dramatic announcement on the front page.

Tildes is for discussion. It is not for 'let me tell you why you are wrong', no matter what wording you use. This type of action is explicitly against the core ethos of the site.

If you are struggling to imagine ways in which you can hold back from bringing negativity to a space you are not welcome, here are two examples from my experience of using the site. The following are two things many users care passionately about:

• 1. AI. I do not believe the conversation about it is interesting. Sometimes, the way it's talked about makes me actively angry. But many users of this site find conversation about AI enriching and enjoyable. Instead of me following my instant reaction and commenting to say 'I think this is boring, and this never impacts my life', I filter the posts, or do not read them.
• 2. I don't know what it's like to be a programmer. The plight of programmers is foreign to me. From the outside, looking in, I could make a bunch of assumptions about the hardships experienced by programmers, or system adminstrators, or software engineers are often saying they are experiencing on this site. Instead of saying 'have you tried finding another job?' or 'Well, I've never seen that', to call into question your experiences, I do not comment, because I know nothing about it.

The experiences of women, who are a minority on this site, are things that the vast majority of users do not have first-hand insight into. The same goes with gay users, asexual users, intersex users, gender non-conforming users, and users who are queer in a way I may never have come across before.

The pile-ons in these two groups are persistent, ongoing, and I have observed them for enough time to know it's generally not intentional, and it is relatively user-churn agnostic. This site attracts more cisgendered heterosexual men than it does women or queer people. That's how it is.

I am not asking for a verification system where you have to prove your bona fides before commenting. I am not asking for these groups to be quarantined off, because that further marginalizes minority groups on the site.

I am asking for users who are not women, or identify as queer, to think very carefully before posting comments that (regardless of the intention) are perceived time and again as invalidating the real experiences of people you do not know, and cannot experience yourself.

I am very sad that a lot of the people I have made close connections to on Tildes have left due to the prevalence of this issue. We know now that the site is feature-complete. You either try and set the culture, or you end up with one.

I would like us to set a culture that is more respective of the spaces intended for women and queer people to discuss issues pertaining to their lives. I am very upset that this continuously is a challenge, especially for members who post, comment, and lurk in those groups.

If you constantly feel the need to 'challenge' or 'dispute' articles and posts made in those groups, please examine why. This cycle of members of these groups having to explain sexism and oppression to people who have not experienced it in the same way women and queer people do is exhausting, and puts the emotional labor on the minority groups on this site.

The majority of the site is very welcoming to heterosexual men. Regardless of your intention, please do not 'just ask questions' or feel the need to say 'You know, I've never seen that!' or 'This reminds me of when my Project Manager called me out at a scrum unfairly.'

We are losing valuable intellectual, cultural, and gender diversity over the persistence of the issues outlined above. If you don't care about this, that sucks, but it makes Tildes a much better place for me and many others who are sadly no longer here.

TL;DR: If you're inserting yourself into Tildes groups about women's lives and the discussion of LGBT issues without being a member of either group in your actual life, please think twice before posting quick reactions to content that may have made you defensive, or content that you (for whatever reason) feel the need to disprove.

Assuming good faith, your unsolicited opinion about a topic you have not experienced personally is consistently not welcomed by the contributors, commenters, and lurkers who use those groups to discuss issues impacting them directly.

If you find the content annoying or feel the need to debate its veracity constantly, simply unsubscribe. It is not hard. It is the base level of respect this community relies on to survive.

I am sorry if this is coming across as aggressive, mean-spirited, or me taking on airs above the station of a normal user. That's not my intention, but I hope these words perhaps help other men on Tildes to think about the issues raised here in a different way.

I am a user, asking others like me to be kind and thoughtful. If you need help in how to unsubscribe from groups, or how to set up topic tag filters, please ask in this thread and many users will be able to assist you. It is a system I didn't initially find intuitive and am still learning about.

Thanks.

Refresher about me and my work: I work in higher ed as essentially a social worker for our on-campus students. Many of the students I support are trans, non-binary, and queer. They often come to me or are directed to me because I'm visibly queer, and use she/they pronouns. A recent survey* listed about 30% of our campus populations as queer (ace-inclusive, not mentioning gender identity), the same survey demonstrated nearly double the risk of suicide, mental health crisis, etc among our trans and gender non-conforming students. This survey was from before the 2024 election.

My point with this post is asking y'all for any suggestions in supporting my trans youth in particular and queer youth in general during this time of increasing demonization and as the feds have started to pressure schools to remove protections for trans women specifically.**

What things would you have wanted to hear from adults around you? What things helped you continue to feel safe with trusted adults? When the conversations keep getting tougher - talking about staying in or returning to the closet for safety or surviving that necessity when at home, or whatever fresh political hell hits next? When your roommate's mom compares her daughter living with you to sexual violence?

I have a lot of experience with tough questions, and dealt some of these. I've talked about how you have to take care of yourself and water your plants or you have dead plants and fascism. But my experiences coming out in grad school and figuring out my demi-gender-ness much later aren't the same as these kids' life experiences. And I always want to make sure I'm doing better. What helped you? What would you have wanted to hear? What message would you want to pass to them?

Feel free to DM if preferred for safety or privacy

*I can't say how representative this was but between 4 and 5 percent of the population took the survey so unless that was particularly skewed in some way that should be a decent sample.
** There's a chance my speech will be restricted as an employee, we'll see, but that's an area I can fight more effectively.

I have watched all of Dave Chapelle's specials and I occasionally watch Bill Maher whenever I can stomach his supposed "free speech" show.

Don't remember it verbatim but Dave Chappelle made fun of the trans community and took an empathetic approach to individuals such as J. Rowling who view the trans issue as a threat to womanhood (or something to that effect). He also however expressed support for a trans-woman being allowed to use a woman's bathroom so his opinions on this subject seem a bit mixed.

However, Bill Maher acts as if trans issue is the biggest issue of our time and that its the real reason that Kamala Harris lost the election. And is opposed to any sort of gender-affirming care as far as I can tell and thinks that cause L.A. has more people who identify as trans than Texas, that it's almost mostly a geographically based fad and what not. I will also never forget a clip of his show where him and Piers Morgan were telling Katie Porter about the threat that trans-women have to cis-women. It struck me as funny that 2 white dudes decided to take it upon themselves to tell a woman that trans-women pose a threat to her and she was just like ".....no I think I'm fine.".

But the release of Chappelle's specials were met with protests at the Netflix headquarters, whereas I don't remember people ever protesting in front of Bill Maher's studio even though I think he's far more in the camp of "trans movement has gone way too far" and says far more things that I would assume they find offensive or upsetting. what gives?

Happened in Denmark, so article is in Danish. Put it into DeepL to translate important bits:

Four siblings, a brother and three sisters, were sentenced to prison by the Court in Glostrup on Friday for imprisoning their 26-year-old brother in September 2023.

The case began in the fall of 2023 when police broke into the family's apartment in Brøndby and found a 26-year-old man in a small broom cupboard.

In addition to imprisonment, all four will also be expelled from Denmark. The two oldest sisters will be banned from entering Denmark permanently, while the youngest sister and brother will be banned for a number of years. All four convicted siblings are Italian citizens and will therefore be deported to Italy. The siblings grew up in Sicily and have roots in Tunisia. They are Muslim, and according to the prosecution, their actions stem from that cultural background.

Specifically what happened to him can be read in this article. Translation collapsed because of gruesomeness:

If anyone thinks this is too much to share then please let me know - I will delete the thread if it is. I did put the homophobia and downer tags though so hopefully everyone who do not wish to see this stuff have already filtered that. Just sharing because I'm shocked this can happen in Denmark.

Hey all, given everything going on, please keep checking on your communities. There was a recent death by suicide in Syracuse of a VA patient who had wrapped themselves in the trans flag prior to their death.

We're in this together, and I know it's going to get worse, and the only way we get through is with the support of each other. So, just, please check-in.

During the darkest days of the AIDS crisis, we buried our friends in the morning, we protested in the afternoon, and we danced all night.
The dance kept us in the fight because it was the dance we were fighting for. It didn't look like we were going to win then and we did. It doesn't feel like we're going to win now but we could. Keep fighting, keep dancing. -Dan Savage

I don't want to rehash US election stuff here, but I wanted to make a space for fears and support, and idk, some community here for us. Don't feel obligated to focus on the US election, but if that's what you're dealing with it's an ok space for those feelings.