If you were in a long (10–15 years is long to me) relationship but split around that mark, could you share?

Specifically what led to it, how did you know it was the right thing to do, how did you do it, and how did it go? How long did you have to think about ending the relationship before actually doing it? How did the other person react? How did you deliver the news?

And how did you handle the aftermath, both emotionally but also materially (splitting all your things, deciding who keeps what trinkets, finding separate accommodations, etc)?

I’ve been going through rough times for quite a while and I think I might have had enough… I’d like to learn from others to better understand where I’m standing.

Edit: this is not an abusive relationship, nobody is in danger from the other person, and there are no children involved. Just the feeling that it’s not working out anymore, that’s it’s become harder and harder over the last 4 years, that partner can’t accept my shortcomings while expecting me to accept theirs, and very poor decisions that led us down a path we’re having a hard time recovering from (materially and emotionally). Like something broke that can never be put back together.

Also, we’re not married and are renting. We file taxes separately and as far as the law is concerned common law requires some paperwork which we never did. So if we split we just walk away with what each has, we “only” have to figure out how to divide the stuff we owned together (appliances and that kind of stuff)

(Edit: I read everything yall had to say and this convo has been more helpful and uplifting than any other conversation I’ve had about this. Thanks guys🥹)

After a bad break up, I moved back into my mom’s at 36 to focus on myself and get my shit teogether. I take better care of myself, and it really shows. I've lost weight and gained muscle. My skin looks better, my clothes fits better. My overall appearance overall has improved.

Now I'm 37. I'm hot now, but I am still unemployed, and still living at my mom’s. I get more attention when I'm outside, but at this low point of my life, attention is the last thing i want. Women are stopping me on the street just to talk. I'll be at the store and when I randomly look up, people are staring at me. I feel like a unicorn walking around.

It came to a head the other day when I went to a friend's event with his coworkers. As I go pay for my drink ticket, his boss goes “[Your friend] said you were broke, but he didn't tell me you were pretty”.

I feel like shit man. I know my financial status doesn't define my worth as a person, but it doesn’t make me feel good. (Also my friend sucks, but that's not the focus here). I feel like I can't talk about all the weirdness I'm experiencing. My job situation is embarrassing, and talking about my glow up sounds like bragging.

I’m just in a weird space right, and it’d be nice to hear from other men about it.

I walked out of the grocery store. It was pretty windy, and right outside the doors there was a bird flying. Except, because of the wind speed going against the bird, it wasn’t really moving at all. Instead it was just kind of floating in one spot. Imagine a bird flying on a wind treadmill, and you’ve got the right idea.

It was a tiny little thing, but I thought it was awesome. It kind of blows my mind that something like that is even possible, and seeing it up close was a delight. It brightened my day significantly.

Share a small but bright moment from your day.

So I'm growing my hair out and I'm at the awkward stage where it's too short to tie back, but too long to just let loose.

I mostly use a metal hair band, which is fine enough, but I'd like an alternative that isn't hair gel that makes it all very stiff and feeling like I'm wearing a helmet.

I've tried a hairdo cream, but at least the one I found smelled very strongly (perfume, not chemically) and it made my hair look oily and wet.

So my question is, are there products I should try that let me keep my hair out of my eyes (I usually just comb it all to the back) in some semblance of order while not stiffening it up?

Most everyone will spend a significant portion of their life working in some way shape or form. Our jobs can cause us to learn new skills or see the world in a different light after gaining new experiences.

I was thinking about my own career and how it has caused changes in my own life, and it got me thinking how other Tilders might view their work and their life through that lens.

Have you noticed your career has changed you, and if there are any changes you can think of, do any of them surprise you?
Do you look at things differently after working a particular job?
How has your job impacted you?

Questions first, the long backstory in the details section that follows if you care to read it. Thank you in advance for your consideration.

I've framed this in terms of parents for convenience, but of course I am interested in anyone's experience with the aging.

What did you learn later that you wish you knew about having aging parents when they started needing more care?

What resources were the most help to you navigating the transitions?

That resources do you think were the most help to your parents in navigating the transitions?

If you weren't local, what kind of things did you do to help stay connected? What worked, and what didn't ?

I'm really struggling with depression, disappointment, and worry about my parents. What advice do you have for me?

The goal of the monthly Digital Detox topic is:

to evaluate and potentially address toxic or controlling aspects of tech in ways are meaningful for you

This is a shift away from the previous emphasis on a "Screenless Day" which was aimed at being a specific task/event.

People can certainly still take Screenless Days as part of their Digital Detox, but I wanted to open this up a bit more to allow more opportunities for discussion and change rather than just temporarily cutting screens.

Please make this topic what you want it to be. There's no right or wrong way to post in it.

All people posting in this topic will be automatically added to the Digital Detox notification list. If you do NOT want to be added to the list, please let me know in your comment.

Monthly Discussion Starter: What "digital detox" steps have you tried in the past? Did they work? Why or why not?

"Think of the most successful person you know personally in your field. If you had to attribute their position to one primary edge over their peers, which of these was it?"
​A) Exceptional raw talent or intellectual capability
​B) Unusually high stamina and willingness to work long hours
​C) Great interpersonal instinct and emotional intelligence
​D) Being in the right place at the right time with the right background

Choosing just one is a recommendation
Within cells interlinked

Hi Tilderinos,

I've got to ship some wrought iron to a blacksmith in another country to be reforged and properly heat treated. I've worked with them before and they're far better than anything that is available in my country.

They've asked me to ship the pieces in a wooden box, that is not real wood (I don't know the English term for it). It must be processed wood, the names in our hardware stores are multiplex and plywood underlayment etc. This is to avoid customs issues with untreated wood.

I have been advised to make the sides of the box multiplex, with underlayment for the top and the bottom. I have my dimensions, but I have never done a woodworking project before and I am nervous the men in the hardware store will laugh at me for my inexperience.

I have some basic questions like:

• Is it okay to go to the hardware place and ask them to cut my pieces to size?

• The box must hold together fine, but it doesn't need to be beautiful or lasting. I am thinking of putting the top and bottom on like the back of an IKEA wardrobe, with tacks, but my wife says hiring a staple gun might save a lot of time. Would a staple gun be too aggressive and potentially wreck the rather soft treated wood?

• Lastly... Could someone just reassure me this will be fine? I associate woodworking as a very masculine 'father' skill and I did not have one of those. I have very poor spatial awareness and my wife is the furniture assembler in the house, so she will be helping me, but this is my first time trying this craft that I find very intimidating.

Thank you for any input anyone is able to provide!

The Reboot!

I used to run a series of "Screenless Day" monthly posts that were aimed at nudging people to put a short pause on the toxic aspects of tech in their life. They never got much traction, but it was also hard to tell if people were participating because they wouldn't necessarily be here commenting on it and would instead be, you know, off doing other things.

There has been some renewed interest in the idea recently, so I decided to reboot the series and see how it goes now (especially because the wider tech landscape is arguably worse than it was back when I first started them).

The spirit of Screenless Day remains the same as it always has been:

a simple event aimed at encouraging people to take a temporary step away from toxic or consuming aspects of technology and spend their time and energies elsewhere

Anyone can choose to take a Screenless Day at any time, but the idea is to nudge people towards doing it over the first weekend of the month. Each new discussion topic will go live on the first Friday of the month, and it will remain open for the duration of the month.

It is strongly encouraged that you talk about your Screenless Day here, as part of the fun of the event is that, even though you might be doing something independently, your actions fit into a larger community picture of other people here sharing the same values.

Also, to promote both reflection and discussion on the goals of Screenless Day, each month I will be including a new discussion question to provide people the opportunity to reflect on their relationship with technology and keep the topic more “alive” and visible.

This Month

In addition to the once again regularly scheduled Screenless Day, there are a couple of housekeeping things for our first month back:

1. Building a notification list.

I will be building a notification list to be pinged each time a monthly Screenless Day topic goes up. Anyone commenting in this topic will be included by default. If you do NOT want to be included in the list, please let me know in your comment.

2. Changing the name?

"Screenless Day" can be a bit misleading (see the FAQ below), so I'm open to other name ideas. Everything I can come up with tends to sound negative however (e.g. "Pause Toxic Tech" day or something), and I want the name to be a simple but positive one.

Monthly Discussion

Use this topic to:

1. Talk about your plans for an upcoming Screenless Day.
2. Tell everyone what you chose to do for your Screenless Day, and how it went.
3. Reflect on your relationship with technology.

This month's discussion question:

• Of all the tech you use in your life, what platform/app/device/etc do you feel has the most overall negative impact on you? Why do you think that is?

FAQ

(please read as "colorados tildohs, how-dooose it suit you?")

Things like

• Do you feel concerned about living there long term?
• Does the water situation bother you?
• Did you move there as an adult, or were you raised there? How does it compare to other places, in your view?

I have a bit of a fascination with it and have considered moving, but it's a big change from where I currently live.

My kids were asking me about my clothes and why I don't get new clothes. They are growing and get new clothes are they outgrow their old clothes. I was telling them I'm done growing and that my clothes still work so I only get a new piece of clothing every now and then, or when something I use breaks.

It got me thinking how old some of my clothes are getting, which is a perfect question for my fellow Tilders.

For me, the oldest t-shirt I have I still wear regularly is 17 years old from my high school American football team

I have a dress shirt and jacket my grandpa gave me that is ~30-40 years old. When he gave it to me he said he got it when Reagen was in office.
I kind of wish I had more of his clothes as he always made sure to dress presentable. Slacks and a button up at minimum, but I tried not to ask him for things as a lot of my family members would ask him for money and/or things and I didn't want to be like them. I mainly wanted to spend time with him and got the shirt because I mentioned needing to get a new dress shirt on the way back to university after be asked what my plans were. He took the shirt he was wearing off and then grabbed the jacket off the hook by the door before insisting I take them both since they looked good together.
Sadly a number of my family members got into my grandpa's house after he passed away before my Dad could change the locks and a lot of things went missing, including most of his wardrobe.

As a follow up to the "do you iron your clothes" question, does anyone else experience significant clothes shrinkage (particularly for t shirts) when they put clothes in the dryer? This never used to be a problem, but no matter what settings I use, it always seems to shrink them now!

Anyone got any advice? I am currently hanging my best clothes to avoid shrinkage, but a better solution would be preferred.

I can't imagine anyone doing this regularly but at the same time, people at work have wrinkle-free clothes!

I hear people take their clothes to the laundromat to avoid doing so, but that seems like it'll get expensive.

How do you manage to keep your office clothes neat and presentable?

A few months ago someone posted an article on the male loneliness epidemic. I had shared my thoughts in the comments on that post. But I think that article and a lot of comments are under the impression that "redpill" content/ideology is still in vogue or relevant in today's world. It still has its followers and influencers for sure, but it's not at the forefront of cultural discussions anymore. To think otherwise is outdated, the redpill era died around 2022/2023 and was replaced by a more incel-derived "blackpill" era.

Thanks to TikTok, what was once relegated to niche internet forums became mainstream. The biggest influencer from this internet phenomenon is Clavicular, who is currently getting articles written about him in press outlets such as The Hollywood Reporter and People.

I am no stranger to talking about looks (side note: I would have taken more time to write that out and discuss broader topics, such as "types," if I had known it would have gotten as much attention as it did). And I have been around looksmaxxxing spaces on the internet since about 2022. I'll try to make this as brief and simple as I can.

What is the blackpill?

The blackpill is a deterministic outlook on life. It states that your genetics determines the quality of your life, and if you were not born with advantageous bone structure and height, then "it was over before it even started." You won't be successful in life, you won't find love, and you will end up a lonely, pathetic person wishing you'd been born looking better.

How does this differ from the redpill?

The redpill has some overlap with the blackpill. Both believe that men are the true victims of society. That feminism has been detrimental, this and that, and the other. The redpill, however, insinuates that you can self-improve. There's almost zero focus on improving looks, and it's almost entirely focused on making money and increasing your status.

A core belief of the redpill is that all women are gold diggers, and in order to get laid, you need to make a ton of money. The blackpill does not entirely dispute this, but it does say that if a woman chooses you for money, she will never actually love you. And that you are paying a lot of money for affection and attention that an attractive man gets for free.

I think that explanation in and of itself should show you the difference between the two.

What's looksmaxxxing? Are looksmaxxxing and the blackpill interchangeable terms?

They are not.

Looksmaxxxing is what guys do to look better, to increase their rankings on the looks scale. So that they can start getting laid (primarily) or start to "mog" (i.e., outshine everyone in a room).

In certain blackpill spaces looksmaxxxing is seen as cope, since, again, your life was determined by genetics and there's nothing you can do to fix this.

You might think looksmaxxxing consists of losing body fat, getting a skin care routine, dressing nicely, hygiene, and cologne. And that is part of it, all of that stuff is considered "softmaxxxing" but there's also "hardmaxxxing" as in surgeries and other more serious treatments such as steroids and peptides (which technically occupy a grey area between soft and hard maxxxing). An example of a popular surgery is double jaw surgery, here's the subreddit for it so you can see examples. If your jaw was not properly developed and you have a recessed chin (or a pushed-in chin), then a double jaw surgery is something you can do that would greatly increase your attractiveness. Although it does carry quite a bit of risk. There are other surgeries that people do on their eyes, their noses, ear pinning, there's a lot.

It is essentially a belief that your best investment is going to be in how you look. It's a bit of a running joke that instead of going to college, you should invest in plastic surgery, and that will do more to make your life better than a degree.

How do they view women? How do they view themselves?

The belief is that women are hypergamous. That they will only want to date up, and it's significantly easier for women to date and get laid, even if they are below average looking. And that even an above average looking man will have trouble since they aren't the holy grail of attractiveness.

Here's a brief explanation of their rating system.

• Sub-5

5 is considered average; sub-5 means below average. Not even that you don't get attention but that you get negative attention from the people around you.

• Low-Tier Normie / Low-Tier Becky
• Mid-Tier Normie / Mid-Tier Becky
• High-Tier Normie / High-Tier Becky

The "normie" categories are all average categories. Ranging from on the low side of average (LTN) to above average (HTN). The High Tier categories are where a lot of attractive actors sit, think romcom leads, the boy/girl next door types.

• Chad/Stacy

Essentially unobtainable beauty. Taylor Hill or Henry Cavill.

Depending on who you're talking to, someone would say that "life starts at HTN" or that life doesn't exist unless you're "Chad." And that if you're anything below that, you might as well not even exist.

How did it get popular?

The first instance most people probably heard of it was likely in 2014 when Elliot Rodger committed a mass shooting at a University. He was a member of a looksmaxxxing forum (the original looksmaxxxing forum, I believe), which led to the site being shut down and thus delaying any chance of its popularity. If you go back and watch and read what Elliot Rodger believed, it makes more sense in today's context now that this thought process has been more normalized.

In 2023, TikTok started promoting this content. Primarily from "edits" here's an example and coinciding with that were also the rise of a few influencers. All leading up to Clavicular, and how dominant he is on social media (thanks in part to funding from Peter Thiel). He was a kid posting on looksmaxxxing forums, was a micro celebrity in the niche, became a slightly bigger internet celebrity on TikTok before streamers started bringing him on leading to his insane fame.

Conclusion

Going back to the initial tildes post that I linked to. That whole thing was essentially saying, if you're just a good person, then someone will want to date you or fall in love with you or want to have sex with you or whatever. And I think part of the reason why looksmaxxxing stuff has taken off is that it feels more honest. It's not coddling you, and if you do improve your looks, you're going to see better results in dating than if you read feminist literature or something. So the takeaway ends up being that one of these places was telling me the truth.

Like, on a broader scale, it's a response to the body positivity stuff from the 2010s. When everyone was being told that it's okay if you're obese, it's healthy, it's beautiful. And there was just kind of a sense of performance to all of it.
The effort to change what people are attracted to, or to shame people for not being attracted to a certain thing. Has it gone too far? Probably, but I think that's why it took off initially and why it grew so quickly.

I obviously have my own personal experience about this, and so I very obviously know that it's not just what's inside that counts. Normal everyday people will make assumptions about you based on the way that you look. And I don't think it's a morally wrong thing to acknowledge that it happens, nor do I think it's a morally righteous thing to pretend like it doesn't.

My partner and I have long been on the fence about whether or not to have a child. Now we're approaching middle age, it feels like it's a 'now or never' decision point, and ... well, I'm still torn.

On the one hand, I see the state the world is in. I'm keenly aware of the latest climate projections and what they mean (I also know enough to know how much we can still improve things if we decide to). I'm afraid of escalating instability and societal strife. What if I can't get my medications? I don't know how I'd go on even without a child in the picture. I still struggle to accept the world as it is, which is quite a bit bleaker than it was portrayed to me growing up. I spent years of my life wishing I was not born. How could I bring a child into that circumstance?

On the other hand, I'm really, really good with kids (and teenagers!) and find relationships with them really rewarding. I love spending time with my nieces, nephews, and friends' kids, and it leaves me wishing I could also shape a human with the values and priorities that are most important to me - stewardship, patience, music. I don't want the religious wingnuts to be the only ones shaping the next generation! My partner and I have a lot of privileges and would be able to offer a lot to a child, from quality education, to a fantastic extended family, to multiple powerful citizenships / passports. Hell, our parents would even move in to help us out with childcare for at least the first few years. You can't ask for much more than that.

Obviously this is a big question, and it's one my partner and I are talking about extensively. I'm also going to return to counseling soon to piece through things.

I'm certain that others on Tildes have also navigated this question. Do any of my thoughts resonate with you? What did you decide and why? Are you happy with your choice?

And has anyone adopted? Adoption is the dark horse here. Once upon a time that was my preferred route, but now that I've spent a lot more time reading about the risks and realities I've cooled on it a bit. I am certain I can deal with many challenges of raising a child, but not stuff like oppositional defiance or connection disorders, which occur at ~2x the rate in adopted children, many of whom have trauma. They deserve love too, but unfortunately I have limits due to my own mental health troubles. And all of that is to say nothing of the often sketchy or uncomfortable legal and societal circumstances of adoption.

I deeply appreciate any and all thoughts and experiences you take the time to share.

This is my first time getting laid off. Still processing it. My job was starting to feel like a slog so it honestly feels like a burden has been lifted. But a different, more unfamiliar (maybe even somewhat interesting) burden has replaced it - financials.

I know I can file for unemployment. I have to handle some other dumb stuff like 401k, HSA, health insurance. it's kinda more annoying than anything else.

I have some severance but not sure how long it'll take to find a job and I've heard it's hard out there.
I would also love to figure out how to be financially dependent while working for myself but don't know where to start for that.

Looking for any advice from the Tilderino fam.

When do you decide you can no longer ethically work somewhere?
What would be your line?
Would your ability to do harm reduction or meaningfully change the situation make a difference in your decision?

Have you acted on these stances before?

(inspired by a deleted post. I'll respect the user and just make this a generic topic.)

What was the hardest part about growing up into an independent adult for you? Was there some advice or mental Eureka! moment that gave you a big boost?

Affordability and employment are at a crisis level for our youth these days. Want to share some hardships you experienced, or big hurdle you had to navigate out of, as a way to encourage others that things will get better?

I'm in the midst of wedding planning and would like to hear your experiences, as I have only been to one wedding.

I'm curious about if you've picked up on any unique considerations that went into the structural/event design as well as the emotional takeaway from attending the event:

What made that wedding distinct from the others?
What aspects of the wedding did you find thoughtful and memorable?
How did that wedding make you feel as a guest?
How do you want to feel as a guest at a wedding?

Bureaucratic nonsense; a glaring inefficiency; “that’s just how we do things here”; etc.

Whatever it is, it’s absurd, but you’re also powerless to do anything about it and just have to live with it.

Tell us all about it.

Note: “workplace” can refer to career, school, home — wherever you do work in the face of absurdity

I've been having a bit of a midlife crisis (well, I'm 31 so technically not there yet but...) and was hoping maybe some kind folks on Tildes could give me some perspective. Apologies in advance for the long-winded post.

I currently work my "dream" job. I put that in quotes because I'm a freelance translator which, as you might expect, has not been the best place to be at for the last couple of years. Nonetheless, it was the job I wanted to do when I got into university 7 years ago so it's what I'd say is the only "calling" I've had.

Because I've only ever done this, I feel like I missed out on opportunities and soft skills that a person might typically develop early in their career at more typical jobs. I was fortunate to have an accommodating family who really let me try as hard as I could in the translation field until I could succeed, which unfortunately I haven't as much as I wanted to.

Because of all this, I've now been looking for non-specialized jobs anyone can do in order to at least have a more stable income. But I feel like just working at say a McDonald's or other less skilled jobs won't get me very far in life. Yes I can do translation on the side as a supplement and maybe one day I'll get lucky enough to score a well-paying client (I know it's possible but just haven't had the chance yet), but that's a lot of ifs for comfort. At the moment I can't even focus on paying my bills, let alone try to have a life outside my job or a partner or basically anything, and that's what also sorta torpedo'd the intense anxiety I've been having.

So I've been pondering seriously going back to university to get another degree, as some of my friends and acquaintances have done. The problem is I just don't know how to even go about finding something that can give me a better professional life and that I connect with in some capacity. I've been so sheltered and non-diversified for 7 years that now I have very little to connect with.

I thankfully live in a country where university is not a big financial investment, so that's not an issue. But as I've been warned by others (and agree myself), jumping into a degree when I only have nebulous ideas about my future in it is a good way to ensure I burn myself out and waste my time. I can't just pick a degree because "it'll pay well." It has to be something I can actually concentrate on and feel the drive to work toward. Otherwise I'll probably be back on this road again, just in a different way (low end skilled work is as poorly paid as unskilled work where I live).

I've been eyeing typical big engineering degrees like computer science and mechanical engineering. Looking at jobs they can provide makes them sound somewhat interesting (robots are cool, right?), but it still all feels very nebulous, like nothing fully clicks. It's like I can't find something that's more guaranteed to pay well and where I also feel "this is where I want to be."

I'm also constantly worried about "what if I choose wrong" and wondering if I won't be good enough or stand out and just set myself up for another bad career. The choice paralysis is very real. And reading testimonials online, no matter for what field, just makes things feel more bleak (I should probably stop that), though there is occasionally some positivity.

The way I describe my mental state right now is "I want a job that will let me not have to worry about surviving 24/7, but I don't know what that might look like." It could be working at McDonald's or some menial office job and then doing translation on the side (AKA the only "calling" I've ever fully clicked with), it could be becoming an engineer, or maybe it's something else entirely I haven't found yet. I don't know.

I also know that sometimes all it takes is to try something out to see if you like it, so I'm not ruling the possibility that maybe I'll just click with a degree after I get into it, but until I have that opportunity I'd like ask fellow Tildeans: how would you go about finding a new calling in life in a situation like this?

I know there's no silver bullet answer and that nobody can decide my life for me, but I feel as though I'm missing the tools to make that decision for myself.

Life is especially stressful lately, and with that my usual sleep struggles are just getting worse. When I was younger, I struggled to fall asleep - and at times, I still do - and I was able to develop some strategies that helped me soothe my overactive mind (ADHD brain goes brrrrr). As I'm getting older, I'm having a different problem come up though.

Now the trouble isn't so much getting to sleep as it is staying asleep long enough to get the rest I need, or at least want. For example, this past week has been the first week of school for me as a teacher. It is absolutely exhausting. I crash out between 8/9pm every night. Then I find myself awake at 2/3am without fail and just toss and turn until either I eke out a half hour of sleep before my alarm at 5am or just give up and get up.

Of course those hours I spend lying awake in bed are the perfect time for my mind to turn to dark and terrible thoughts as well. The small hours of the morning are apparently perfect for this. That's a whole other thing I'm working on dealing with.

I know this isn't a unique problem, I know that there isn't a catch all solution, I'd just love to hear some different ideas on what to do about it.

I know each person is different and if there's one autistic person's experience that's one person's experience. I'm aiming to spread a wide net here and gather stories to see the diverse range. What I'm looking for is something beyond the "well, you just do it / you start with small steps" experience: assume one can't.

Second hand accounts welcome if you know someone who has difficulties they were able to overcome.

I was talking to someone who could visualize something with microscopic clarity in their mind and that's why they couldn't draw, because any approximation, no matter how close, is not 100%, and that produces enough internal suffering that the task can't be done.

That the sentence "if it's good enough it's good enough" is nearly offensive and also nonsensical: there is the perfect and then there is failure which causes suffering, nothing exists in the middle.

So I'm curious: as an individual, do you have difficulty with .....

• breaking down a complex task into smaller achievable tasks?

• competing very simple tasks that have been broken down for you that leads to that complex task, whether because it's trivial or because now you're being told or some other hurdle?

• mentally being okay with practice / rudimentary exercises because it's not the whole completed perfect thing?

How did you learn to do something that requires practice [from you] to become good at? Do you tend to over rely then on skills that came "for free" to you? If you can see yourself getting better with practice doing that free talent, and you have a hard time learning a new thing that you couldn't also instantly do, why does the experience of improvement from one area doesn't translate into feelings of possibility that it could apply to another?

Hi, my family is moving to Japan in November, from US Midwest to Noto/Kanazawa area, and I’m wondering if there are things recommended to specifically bring from the US or things to wait to buy in Japan due to quality or price differentials (or straight up availability).

I’m 6’3”, so I’m buying shoes/boots/sandals in US, as well as pants/shirts. My wife is similarly tall. Kids are tall for their age, but still will get clothes in jp.

We are moving solely by plane, so no shipping containers or other moving services— it has to fit in suitcases.

If anyone can speak to online shopping in rural Japan, let me know if that’s as ubiquitous as it is here (it’s something I personally almost never do here, but i assume I’ll have to do more in jp just for sizing when it comes to clothes, though I’m not a big wardrobe guy anyway).

Bonus question: family cargo ebikes in Japan? Is that common yet? I’ve got an Urban Arrow here and it’s probably by favorite object of mine, and would love to get something similar (or long tail passenger rack) in jp.

Thanks!

I have often wondered if I over prepare - if I have a tendency to carry too many things with me “just in case”. I aspire to minimalism, but I definitely fail to achieve it in practice. Indeed, it’s not rare for me to go on holiday and pack several items of clothes for situations which do not materialise, or simply to realise that I’ve been carrying some item in my backpack every day for several months while never using it.

Well, today I was very happy to have a random item in my backpack that had been sitting there unused for god-knows how long.

European Tilderinos are likely also looking forward to the imminent near-total solar eclipse. I‘ve been really looking forward to it, and my partner and I had made plans to rendezvous at a park in our city after to work view it. But as I go to leave work, I realise: (minor) disaster! I am an optically-impaired person (I need glasses), but since I did not put on my contact lenses this morning, I will have to wear my eclipse-goggles over my spectacles! What a fool I will appear to everyone else at the park!

…and then I remembered: I almost always make sure to have a spare pair of contact lenses in my most-used bags (I wear dailies, so it’s cheap to set a small handful of pairs aside for this purpose) such that if I have a contact lens emergency while I’m out, I can safely remove the problematic pair and replace them with a fresh pair. Of course I also usually carry around my glasses if I’m wearing my lenses, but this isn’t always practical, or it may be important for me to be able to resume wearing lenses (if I am to playing sports, for example).

Now you might wonder why this fact slipped my mind initially, that would be because I’ve been wearing contact lenses for well over a decade, and in the last five or so years I don’t think I’ve had a single incident. But I remain hopefully that a past version of myself may still have been practicing over-preparedness…

So, I go a-rummaging in my backpack and, lo and behold, I do indeed have a set of emergency contacts! Now I will be able to stare directly at the sun mildly more conveniently! Thanks, past me!

(Perhaps you can tell that this situation made my extremely happy, hence why I felt the need to share.)

Have a lovely solar eclipse day (to all who celebrate)!

https://ibb.co/8gNqgSKR

so, I want to create a sliding shelf system

ideally, in its stationary state (ie when its near the roof and not taking up any walking around space), its only 27 inches tall so that its not low enough to get in the way of me
and when I need it, I can I pull it down to access stuff on it. the lowest I can pull it without it getting in the way of anything is 63 inches from the roof. but I doubt I would ever need to pull it that low, just wanted to make it clear the range I have the potential for.

it can be a max of 20 inches wide without getting in the way of either cabinet door on either side.

the kitchen is too small for me to allow it to rest on the ground and since I live in a rental, I don't want to drill into the wall and am instead looking to anchor it to piece of wood that would be resting on top of the cabinets on either side.
the piece of wood (or multiple pieces of wood, I don't know what is best) can be 4 inches wide by 11 inches high and the space above the cabinets can provide for 10 inches of depth for the wood to rest on.

is what I am envisioning possible?

I assume I have to custom make this myself and cant order something like this from a store?

Hi all,

I know this is probably going to be a bit of an incoherent mess of a post but my wife and I have not had a very good day and I'd just like to share my feelings, and make a simple request for anyone who might be reading this. This is also a sad story, so if you are not in a great headspace, I'd suggest skipping this. I swear I'm not trying to be a burden.

My wife and I have been fostering dogs with a local rescue for years now. We absolutely love it and it truly is one of the only things that make us feel like we are able to make the world a little bit of a better place. It can be tough sometimes but we always say "There will always be another dog to help" and that has helped keep us going.

Three or four years back we had a lovely old man foster dog named Elvis. Absolute sweetheart. If you thought of a soft gentle dopey old man dog, it was Elvis. He loved his toys, but in a funny way. He would just carry them around with him ENDLESSLY. But not all of his toys, it was either his little marshmallow stuffy or his little cookie stuffy. And I mean he took these things everywhere. To bed, on the couch, walking around the house and even outside to hold while using the bathroom. He would even try it on walks if we let him. He was the perfect old man dog and we loved him dearly.

Well, eventually he had an application for an adoption and he was picked up by an older individual and that was the last we saw or heard of Elvis. Life just kind of moved on.

Until this week.

The universe sometimes works in cruel ways. Earlier this week, my wife, while scrolling through social media happens upon a post from another local animal shelter we follow. The post was about a stray dog whom has been picked up and the owner could not be contacted. My wife showed me and said it looked like Elvis. And initially, I didn't think so. Maybe? I mean like sure, but a shell of his former self. He was so thin. He looked like a skeleton. He was so unkept and neglected that it really only kind of looked like him. There was no way it was him. He was so old and frail looking. I wasn't so sure.

Until I looked at a photo of him on my phone. We were convinced it was him. My wife immediately called our foster agency and they contacted the shelter. The microchip confirmed it. It was Elvis. The shelter nor the foster agency could get ahold of the adopter. And no one had any idea what had happened or how long he had been like this. It was so upsetting to hear. My wife and I both knew immediately we had to go and get our boy back, even if it meant we held onto him for the rest of his days. Didn't matter. It was devastating but we were glad to know he had been picked up and was safe at the shelter.

But it wasn't that simple. He had to be on stray hold for a few days to give his owner a chance to come and get him, and was on medical hold too. Initially they had thought he had been hit by a car because of his inability to stand and he was in really rough shape. My wife and I said that's fine, we can pick him up on Friday and we will make sure he gets the care he needs. We are fortunate that our foster agency has a lifetime promise to always take care of an animal should an owner surrender the dog or cat.

Not to stray from the story too much but my wife and I also have a cat. We've had since we were first together. He is our first real pet. We have had him for years now and he is our baby. Well, he's been battling cancer for the last year or so and these last few weeks have been tough. Long story short he had an emergency today and had to go to the vet.

Things did not go all that well. He had a lot of fluid in his chest and it made it so he was having a very difficult time breathing. He needed to have the fluid drained immediately and it was jaring to watch. While this is going on, someone from the shelter that was holding Elvis called. It turns out that he hadn't been hit by car. His heart was failing and he was likely to be put to sleep. Today. It was a complete shock on top of an already shitty day.

Once our cat was was stable and we were able to take him home, we wanted to go and be with Elvis for his final minutes. It only seemed fair. We didn't want him to be surrounded by strangers and scared.

But the shelter wouldn't let us.

They wouldn't let us see our boy one last time. I know he hasn't been our boy in years, and I know he was never really our boy, but I still remember him like it was yesterday! And I just wanted to apologize for what happened! I just wanted to hold him one more time but I couldn't.

Elvis, I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry for this lengthy and probably stupid post but my wife and I have been dealing with a rather emotional day and I wasn't sure how else to process it. We've talked and it's been hard,. We just held each other and cried. I've cried while writing this. Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully it will be better.

I have one simple ask for anyone who might consider adopting. Please, please, please, get the contact information of the fosters, if the agency allows it. Send them photos of the dogs, or cats. It's a hard thing to do and just getting those little reminders that's our foster dogs and cats are out there living a beautiful little life genuinely fills my wife and I with so much happiness it's impossible to describe. Anyone who has fostered would feel the same. Even if it's once a blue moon. Please. Do it. It's means more than I could ever really state.

I'm going to stay off the Internet for a bit to try and get in a better state of mind and spend sometime with my wife. If you made it this far and read this whole thing. Thank you. I appreciate you and I hope you have a good day.

Please give your pets a big squeeze and forehead kiss for me, and for Elvis.

Edit

Its been a few days offline and my and my wives mental health has improved considerably. We ended up going to Trader Joes, then to our friends kids birthday and catching the new Spiderman movie. Its been a nice reprieve.

Thank you all so much for the kind words. I found myself getting emotional again reading through all of the comments. I really cannot express how much I am grateful for the support. Hearing the stories from the other fosters in this thread who have shared their experiences has been so reassuring.

Some good news - we did hear that the shelter is going to going to send us copies of his paw prints. While I appreciate the thought and the sentiment, I really would have just preferred to see him one last time. Our cat is doing better, but we and his vet, do not think he will be with us much longer so we are enjoying every moment we can. Our current foster dog has an application and is set to get adopted sometime this week and we will be picking up another foster as well.

Found myself working a bit too hard lately, started to experience some stress from my pointless busywork white collar job. Remembered this time to wonder why am I stressed about something that doesn't matter?

Perfect timing, my boss decided today to let me know that he won't be approving any more vacation for the rest of the year because even though we have unlimited, apparently the limit is 20 days.

We've got a deadline coming up and honestly I'm just gonna take a break for the rest of the week. I need it, I deserve it, I've been busting my ass for no reason cause the end result is the same and no one uses our product, a year from now it probably won't even exist any more, and five years from now I'll have to go back to school and retrain to do some other job.

I was really doing fine until today. I make great money, I work from home, I actually get vacation, I know I can just take a sick day with no planning and that's fine, it's just so fucking stupid that they WANT me to take an unplanned day off or quiet quit for a few days when I need it instead of just allowing me to plan some fucking vacation.

Edit - this blew up, I don't mean to be all doomer. I'm just upset. There's beauty to life outside of my work situation.

Hey there, I’m an uncle to a soon to be 15 year old niece who recently got into sewing and has a starter sewing machine. (Hope it’s ok that I post here!)

I want to get her something for her birthday next weekend that has to do with sewing or similar since that’s what she’s expressed interest in. She’s never really had hobbies before but seems genuinely interested in modifying clothes and up-cycling (I think that’s the term) thrift finds.

Can someone help me with ideas on what I could get her? She is relatively new to things and she lives in Texas (US).

I’m ok spending up to $150. Could go higher as I’ll just split costs with her dad or grandparents if the gift is excellent.

Update: thank you all for the thoughtful suggestions! tildes always comes through with advices/tips/ideas for me! i ended up buying Gingher 8” Fabric Scissors, Kai seam snips (detail scissors?), Clover seam ripper, 3-pack of pink Singer tape measures, and a grumpy cat tote bag. i think i’m going to take her out to the thrift store to grab some clothes she can work on too. next year if shes still into it i think me and her dad will go in on a nice sewing machine someone mentioned in the comments. thanks again everyone!

So I know that house inspectors only look at surface things. In the UK it seems like structural stuff are checked by professionals before a house sale. In Canada what are they called?

In buying older houses, I would want to evaluate how much I will expect to spend on things like well, septic, roof. But I also want evaluation on if this is a money pit with foundation, structural, or water issues that can't be fixed.

Like @Captcha_Code, I've tried calling structural engineering firms that seemed confused or give $5000 just to take a look estimates. What are they called in Canada and if possible can you provide examples of a firm in any Canadian area so I know what to look for in Atlantic Canada? Searching for geotechnical professionals bring up major infrastructure type of firms.

I'm going to try to make a very long story short, but we had a large structural retaining wall replaced. The driveway sits on top of the retaining wall. It is about 7 feet tall at the highest end and tapers down over about 30 feet.

We selected a contractor who was at the higher end of the price range but not like the highest highest. It's not like we cheaped out. But we are SO not happy with the work. There are sagging "deadman" posts, there are a ton of shims forced into it to make it lean the correct direction, and it is visibly not dug out enough.

We have tried to work with the contractor but he keeps cheaping out and "jerry rigging" it further to fix the defects. At this point, we are thinking small claims court. We want an expert to come out and tell us if it is structurally sound and document the defects.

I thought maybe a general home inspector could just inspect a part of it, but we contacted three and they said they only do whole structure inspections, like the whole house. And even if the retaining wall was included they would not really look much further than making sure it's not rotten. I tried a structural engineer but the two I contacted almost seemed confused at what I was asking. One just told me they don't do things like that and the other one I'm pretty sure just wanted me to go away and said $10k.

What kind of speciality can tell me if this thing is going to collapse or not? I feel like this is important information if we sue the previous contractor. Any help would be appreciated.

Hello!

I need some advice about work. I'm 34 and I have a child. What direction do you think I should be looking in job-wise? Because of AI, I'm not sure whether it's worth staying in IT and on top of that, my department was recently shut down at my company, so I'm out of work.

My goal is to be able to rent a decent place, cover health/medical costs, food obviously and to take my child on holiday at least once yearly (I couldn't affort it before).

I'm based in Europe. Right now I'm actively learning to knit, just in case.

Could you suggest what kind of work you'd recommend so that I can be that "man of the house" for myself and support myself properly? If it matters: I'm celibate and I don't plan to enter into a relationship, but I need to get my child on their feet and I honestly have no idea which way to move.

My salary has always been low, I'm tired of it and I'm responsible for a child. So I'm ready for anything. Ready to learn anything, do anything!

Thank you!