something I have been thinking about lately.

like any kid being raised as the internet piracy was really taking off, I must have watched countless R-rated movies when I was still in high school.

I can see an argument being made that maybe immediately after watching the movie, it excited me too much and maybe I didn't know how to internalize a sex scene or a violent scene. as for the cursing, I didn't need movies to teach me bad words, society took care of that already.

but I have a hard time placing any issues I have now that are cause of watching movies that were not appropriate for me. I care about people, I place great significance on empathy and non-violence, I am a pacifist for goodness sake but I still enjoy a good shoot-em up movie. As for the sex scenes, honestly, the general misogyny and patriarchal nature of western society had a far greater influence on any incorrect assumptions I had made about the bedroom and porn. Imo porn is the only thing that really fucked me up, watched it too way too early and in a conservative-ish (at least with regards to sex) household so not like I could feel safe talking to an adult about it.

But I have a hard time placing any permanent harms that watching R-rated movies in my teens had on me. Then again, I was raised by pretty moral women who instilled a very active conscience in me.

which makes me think the rating system is mostly pointless and just done in response to activist conservative parents who get too worked up about that kind of thing?

Or maybe it does have a long-term effect just only with certain folks?

I’m really frustrated by recent experiences interfacing with the mental health system for myself and for my teenager. For them, it’s really atrocious. There may be effective options for the upper classes, but they aren’t accessible to me.

This is inspired by @X08’s recent [post] (https://tildes.net/~health.mental/1iia/unable_to_feel_progress_lack_of_happiness_and_not_finding_motivation_to_keep_investing) . Obviously I don’t know about their particulars, but I’ve certainly had the experience of being a part of a group where it appears others are progressing while I am not. Partly this is a problem of how we perceive, measure, and judge “success.” “Don’t compare my insides to others’ outsides,” as the saying goes. But it is possible to a more faithful and reflective comparison, and it does happen that others similar to me* make progress where I don’t, and it’s really frustrating. I’m often wondering, what’s wrong with me that I can’t change and grow?

I don’t have a great answer, although my exceptionally shitty childhood certainly plays a great role.

What I really want to comment on, though, is how insensitive our current mental health system is to the impact disparate causes have on creating similar symptoms, and how that should inform treatment approaches. A gifted psychiatrist (of which there are shockingly few) once put it like this (paraphrasing): Before we look at treatment for depression, we have to make sure the patient isn’t just surrounded by assholes.

But it’s a real problem. CBT is touted by a lot of “weighty” authorities as a valid gold standard treatment for a wide range of MH symptoms, and is claimed to be effective regardless of causes. And it’s my opinion that there is a lot of reasonably scientifically rigorous research backing that claim up. But, it’s not all rainbows, and it’s not working for lots of people. For one, a lot of folks claiming to do CBT are really not. Actual CBT involves a lot of homework, and a lot of recipients don’t have home support and don’t do the homework. This is extra true for children and adolescents living in dysfunctional homes. But more than just patient effort, the research marking CBT as so favorable is mostly based on subjects who are only mild to moderately distressed.* The end result is everyone involved in the “evidence based” healthcare chain is signing sufferers up for CBT when that might not be the best approach. There are lots of other criticisms too. If a practitioner is not well-trained and dedicated, the practice can be very invalidating. It seeks to make the sufferer’s more cognitive process more ‘rational,’ but when that person’s experiences are really, objectively bad, it’s very rational to conclude the world is hostile and unsafe. The tool itself is prepared for this, but it takes a really effective therapist to pull off. Also, it’s not enough by itself, grieving and other healing is also required for success.

The same thing happens in 12 step groups. AA/NA is resoundingly helpful-for a certain set of alcoholics/addicts. Those who don’t make it are often exhorted to become more honest, more open-minded, or more willing.*** My observation, though, is that most of the ones that make it come from intact families with resources. This is not universally true, it’s important for me to point out that there are enough examples of success among folks with no such background to say that there is something valuable in that approach that transcends socio-economics. There are also plenty from well-resourced families who don’t make it, but many of those families are highly dysfunctional. Of this last group, folks from dysfunctional families, some of us find success in other groups. This is because AA/NA are designed for sociopaths, ACA**** is designed for the product of sociopathic parents (who are filled with shame).

I don’t know what the solution is. A lot of malaise, addiction, “maladaptive” behaviors are, I think, born in a dysfunctional society, and so long as that society remains dysfunctional, no individual focused therapy solution will create a permanent fix. I think right here and now, too, we are at one of humanity’s “high tides” of self-destruction, a result primarily of runaway capitalism (is there any other kind?). We also just came through a really nasty global trauma, everyone is feeling it some kinda way.

Thanks for attending my TEDz talk.

*Of course, when talking about something as complex as a human life, there may no way to determine how similar is enough to make valid comparisons

**Also, let’s not talk about the various biases and implementation problems with what those studies refer to as ‘validated’ assessments used for measuring level of distress

***I am, technically, an NA success story

****Adult Children Anonymous, aka Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, more info at adultchildren.org.

I have a teenage child. They're going to be doing "design and tech" at school, and they've shown an interest in light maker / builder projects.

I want to put together a small toolkit for them.

The difficulty I'm having is that when I look at precision screwdrivers I pick a Felco set for £80. For regular screwdrivers I pick either Felco, Wira, Wiha, or Sandvick Bahco. This is probably a bad idea - they're going to end up with a lot of very expensive kit that they will not appreciate yet.

The other thing I'm struggling with is knowing which bits of kit are essential and which are nice to have.

I'd be really grateful to hear your thoughts about this kit. I'm especially interested to hear discussion about balancing "good enough" with "avoid garbage" -- I do prefer to spend more on quality rather than buying cheap buying often.

Screwdrivers:

A handle and a set of bits to fit the handle - £10
A set of weird bits (security, hex, torx) to fit the handle £5
Screwdrivers - pz1, pz2, 4 flat head screw drivers in sensible sizes (still working this out) (probably stanley FatMax) - £30

Snips - they're getting my Bahco snips and my ancient lindstrom snips. I want to get them something they can destroy through misuse, so I'll buy something for around £15

Pliers - needlenose serrated pliers £10
Pliers - big pliers - they'll be getting my ancient RS pliers.

Wire strippers - I like the scissor type that have a range of holes. A nice pair is about £20.

Wrenches and spanners - I have three adjustable spanners in different sizes. I'm looking at micro-ratchets, so something like Kerr or felo (xs33) (but the felo is expensive!!) or Bahco 2058/S26 for £20

Soldering iron - I'm super tempted to just get Hakko's intro model for £100-£150. But I don't know whether I should go instead for some cheap thing like tenma. My own preference for me is strongly Weller - I used weller irons for decades and they were so solid and robust for what I was doing, but not a great choice for tinkering about. I'm struggling to understand the build quality of Tenma bought from a reputable company. I don't want my child fixing things in a mains powered box.

I need a tool box to put it all in.

I need some kind of cutting and filing tools - cheap set of files and a little handle.

I need some measuring equipment - I don't know whether to include a nice set of steel rules or a cheap digital calliper.

Alongside all this there will be a dremel multitool and some useful accessories for it.

And also safety equipment - dustmasks, eye protection (from a reputable supplier!!)

We’re finding it increasingly difficult find meaningful time to spend with the kids. They’re teens but still want to do stuff together and yet with all the extracurricular and us working it’s hard to just be together. They also have their own preferences and sometimes it’s hard to find common ground.

Was hoping to find some inspiration and ideas. Thanks in advance.