67 votes

You make friends *HERE*?!

No, really. Sincerely putting this out there.

Using Tildes sometimes feels like talking into the void. The UI, even in Three Cheers, is minimal. The conversations sometimes clinical, though I greatly appreciate the compassion that comes through here versus other places that shall remain nameless.

Yet I am struck. I've seen people here, more recently, cite meeting other Tildans (Tildaniens? Tilwhoseits?).

As a somewhat reclusive 51 year-old married dude with only furry children, I don't get it. But I do know that I need more friendships. It gets harder, as you get older. (As for me, not keeping toxic friendships from school and later 2 decades working remotely led to, well, this.)

So how do you connect with humans as humans here? How do you "make friends"?

Asking as someone who has a diagnosed potent ADHD and perhaps other as yet medically undetermined NDisms.

(No idea what tags to use for this. Help?)

102 comments

  1. [10]
    Akir
    Link
    Gurl, you have to slide into those DMs. But seriously. Go send some private messages. If you want personal relationships you need to have private conversations. I literally came to this topic from...
    • Exemplary

    Gurl, you have to slide into those DMs.

    But seriously. Go send some private messages. If you want personal relationships you need to have private conversations. I literally came to this topic from one of them where I asked for some advice.

    I also stand by an earlier statement I made this month; realtime conversations are a lot better for building relationships. Maybe try MMOs for a change?

    28 votes
    1. [2]
      chocobean
      Link Parent
      '>..< but I'm shy and I always feel like PM-ing people is taking up their time Rebuttal: so instead I post here publicly taking up everyone's time Request: would Tildes members' like to be my...

      '>..< but I'm shy and I always feel like PM-ing people is taking up their time

      Rebuttal: so instead I post here publicly taking up everyone's time

      Request: would Tildes members' like to be my friend and PM me?

      21 votes
      1. cfabbro
        Link Parent
        IMO, you should never feel like you're wasting anyone's time by PMing them for a chat, so long as you're doing it in good faith. The nice thing about asynchronous messages is people can always...

        IMO, you should never feel like you're wasting anyone's time by PMing them for a chat, so long as you're doing it in good faith. The nice thing about asynchronous messages is people can always just wait until they have free time to respond before reading it and/or writing a response.

        p.s. Feel free to PM me whenever about whatever. I always enjoy having a good chat, and getting to know people here on Tildes better. :)

        16 votes
    2. [3]
      fxgn
      Link Parent
      TIL tildes has private messages

      TIL tildes has private messages

      17 votes
      1. CptBluebear
        Link Parent
        As usual for any social media, the vast majority of people are lurkers, but when you have something people want they'll come out of the woodwork to send you a DM. Usernames I've never seen before....

        As usual for any social media, the vast majority of people are lurkers, but when you have something people want they'll come out of the woodwork to send you a DM. Usernames I've never seen before. It's fascinating.

        There's people in the DMs! Gasp

        13 votes
      2. Asinine
        Link Parent
        ^ This. Not sure if it really affects anything on my end though haha.

        ^ This.
        Not sure if it really affects anything on my end though haha.

        3 votes
    3. [4]
      elight
      Link Parent
      More like "keep not playing MMOs because they'll ruin my life... again". See also TrekMUSE in '95-96.

      ... try MMOs for a change.

      More like "keep not playing MMOs because they'll ruin my life... again". See also TrekMUSE in '95-96.

      11 votes
      1. kacey
        Link Parent
        Unsolicited commentary: as someone who was into the first wave of MMOs but disconnected due to time constraints, I got into FF XIV the other year and found that their offline EXP boost buff...

        Unsolicited commentary: as someone who was into the first wave of MMOs but disconnected due to time constraints, I got into FF XIV the other year and found that their offline EXP boost buff mechanic was a nice way to incentivize shorter and more controlled sessions. That said, if it’s a known vice, abstinence totally makes sense imo — I’ve sworn off caffeine, for example, and if I had “just a little tea” to start the day I’m certain that I’d be slamming back a half dozen cups of drip coffee again in no time.

        6 votes
      2. [2]
        Drynyn
        Link Parent
        I'd recommend session based multiplayer games instead as it's easier to control how long you play for. Like ATM I am playing phasmaphobia - decent people mostly, quick games. I've met some fun...

        I'd recommend session based multiplayer games instead as it's easier to control how long you play for. Like ATM I am playing phasmaphobia - decent people mostly, quick games. I've met some fun people there.

        4 votes
        1. naraxius
          Link Parent
          I had an amazing experience in Project Lockdown with a random group—it was pure luck finding them. They kept inviting me to join every time they played, and even now, I’d still be welcome in...

          I had an amazing experience in Project Lockdown with a random group—it was pure luck finding them. They kept inviting me to join every time they played, and even now, I’d still be welcome in whatever game they’re into. Playing those kinds of games with the right people is an absolute blast. That said, every other session I’ve had in that game has been pretty awful, so perseverance is definitely key. It’s the same with squad fill in FPS games I enjoy; most matches are hit or miss. But when you finally connect with the right group, the games become so much more fun, and the time just flies by. Sometimes, some of those people even become real friends, which makes it all the more rewarding.

          1 vote
  2. [16]
    ZeroGee
    Link
    Tildoes. I've seen the same conversation on niche subreddits. Fact is, like minded people congregate, and you can make friends anywhere. It's just a matter of engaging those people. Ever joined...

    Tildoes.

    I've seen the same conversation on niche subreddits. Fact is, like minded people congregate, and you can make friends anywhere. It's just a matter of engaging those people.

    Ever joined the Minecraft server? I haven't, but I've been tempted.

    38 votes
    1. aphoenix
      Link Parent
      Tilderen! I think you're right - you can make friends anywhere. The main thing is being open to the fact that it can happen. There are lots of ways you can engage with others here - monthly...

      Tilderen!

      I think you're right - you can make friends anywhere. The main thing is being open to the fact that it can happen. There are lots of ways you can engage with others here - monthly events, shared interests, sharing openly of oneself, or even just a similarity of username can be enough to spark a friendship.

      11 votes
    2. hamstergeddon
      Link Parent
      I didn't really start clicking with individuals on the site until I joined the MC server. Which isn't a knock on the site or anyone here. It's just my ability to connect with people is greatly...

      Ever joined the Minecraft server? I haven't, but I've been tempted.

      I didn't really start clicking with individuals on the site until I joined the MC server. Which isn't a knock on the site or anyone here. It's just my ability to connect with people is greatly tied to my sense of humor, which is often more goofy/teasing/raunchy/stupid than is appropriate on the site itself. Or at least it's a better fit for something more laid back like a video game.

      7 votes
    3. GravySleeve
      Link Parent
      We have a lot of cool stuff to see and do!

      Ever joined the Minecraft server? I haven't, but I've been tempted.

      We have a lot of cool stuff to see and do!

      6 votes
    4. [9]
      elight
      Link Parent
      I'm not too much of Minecraft person. Kind of like it. Really into exploring. This is why I love Valheim. I'd be tempted to try to host Valheim on my server. Unsure whether the game has been...

      I'm not too much of Minecraft person. Kind of like it. Really into exploring. This is why I love Valheim.

      I'd be tempted to try to host Valheim on my server. Unsure whether the game has been beefed up to support concurrent player counts better.

      6 votes
      1. cfabbro
        Link Parent
        There was actually a Tildes Valheim server that ran for about 6 months shortly after launch, IIRC, with a neat little town in it made by everyone. I can't remember how many people were ever on it...

        There was actually a Tildes Valheim server that ran for about 6 months shortly after launch, IIRC, with a neat little town in it made by everyone. I can't remember how many people were ever on it at once, but I seem to remember a decent amount even back then.

        6 votes
      2. [6]
        Pistos
        Link Parent
        If you, or anyone, starts up a fresh Valheim server, I'd be tempted to participate. Just this year I fired that game up again, and played with a couple people for a few weeks.

        If you, or anyone, starts up a fresh Valheim server, I'd be tempted to participate. Just this year I fired that game up again, and played with a couple people for a few weeks.

        5 votes
        1. [2]
          kai_re
          Link Parent
          @elight I'm also interested and would join if there's room. It's been a few years since I've last played, so there's prob a lot of new content I haven't seen!

          @elight

          I'm also interested and would join if there's room. It's been a few years since I've last played, so there's prob a lot of new content I haven't seen!

          4 votes
          1. elight
            Link Parent
            See my response above from a minute ago. Work in progress.

            See my response above from a minute ago. Work in progress.

            1 vote
        2. elight
          Link Parent
          Looks easier and likely more reliable and scalable than ever! I'll try setting this up on a docker container under an LXC next week!

          Looks easier and likely more reliable and scalable than ever! I'll try setting this up on a docker container under an LXC next week!

          3 votes
        3. elight
          Link Parent
          Started on this last night. Suspect I only need to set up router port forwards for it to work. And then I get nervous about malicious users, the security of docker, and the security of LXC. Need...

          Started on this last night. Suspect I only need to set up router port forwards for it to work.

          And then I get nervous about malicious users, the security of docker, and the security of LXC. Need to protect my server! And I'm no infosec expert.

          3 votes
        4. elight
          Link Parent
          OK! Will investigate state of the art in a week!

          OK! Will investigate state of the art in a week!

          2 votes
      3. TaylorSwiftsPickles
        Link Parent
        I get it. Honestly, though, quite often I just go online on the server to hang out with the "gang" instead of actually doing anything in the game, so if you already own minecraft, it's something...

        I get it. Honestly, though, quite often I just go online on the server to hang out with the "gang" instead of actually doing anything in the game, so if you already own minecraft, it's something you can at least consider!

        2 votes
    5. [2]
      TaylorSwiftsPickles
      Link Parent
      Definitely consider joining us. We are still doing a lot of new things, so it's not like you'll have nothing to see or do, and it's actually been an amazing way to get to better know a lot of...

      Definitely consider joining us. We are still doing a lot of new things, so it's not like you'll have nothing to see or do, and it's actually been an amazing way to get to better know a lot of other Tilderinos. We often have random conversations about pretty much whatever in the in-game chat & I definitely feel like I've gotten closer with them over the past half a year.

      2 votes
      1. PossiblyBipedal
        Link Parent
        I've never played Minecraft before and now I'm considering it just to get to know people.

        I've never played Minecraft before and now I'm considering it just to get to know people.

        2 votes
  3. [19]
    MimicSquid
    Link
    The name for a group of people who use Tildes is deliberately unclear, to the point that it's an injoke to use a different name every time. But I'm in the same boat as you. I've recently taken a...

    The name for a group of people who use Tildes is deliberately unclear, to the point that it's an injoke to use a different name every time.

    But I'm in the same boat as you. I've recently taken a hybrid position, so I do have people I see in person, but for practical reasons coworkers can't be real friends while you work together. The common answer is to have hobbies away from your computer that involve interacting with people in person. Proximity, time, and familiarity are the ingredients that lead to friendship, and it's harder to bake a friendship pie online.

    27 votes
    1. [14]
      Crespyl
      Link Parent
      "Tildebeasts"

      The name for a group of people who use Tildes is deliberately unclear, to the point that it's an injoke to use a different name every time.

      "Tildebeasts"

      45 votes
      1. [2]
        TheMeerkat
        Link Parent
        The correct and 100% official answer is "waves." This is a frequent point of confusion for new users. Please ensure you use the correct term, @elight. :) You can help cement the term by labeling...
        • Exemplary

        The correct and 100% official answer is "waves." This is a frequent point of confusion for new users. Please ensure you use the correct term, @elight. :)

        You can help cement the term by labeling every post, past or future, by someone who says the demonym is anything else with Malice. Thanks!

        Sarcasm disclaimer: this post is in no way sarcastic. This is definitely completely official and a responsible way to use the Malice tag.
        Sarcasm disclaimer disclaimer: okay, I lied. It WAS sarcasm. Please don't actually do that.

        32 votes
        1. WeAreWaves
          Link Parent
          You, my friend, are correct.

          You, my friend, are correct.

          10 votes
      2. [7]
        eve
        Link Parent
        / noise Unironically, this is my new fav one. Imagine a buncha lil tilde creatures, yey just got little lines for leggies and beady eyes with all the highlights in them. They move in a wavy...

        / noise

        Unironically, this is my new fav one. Imagine a buncha lil tilde creatures, yey just got little lines for leggies and beady eyes with all the highlights in them. They move in a wavy pattern... Brb.

        15 votes
        1. [6]
          kfwyre
          Link Parent
          Also unironically my new favorite! It's amazing and I can't believe it hasn't come up before (or maybe it has and I missed it?). Either way, I'm giving the credit to @Crespyl. Great work.

          Also unironically my new favorite!

          It's amazing and I can't believe it hasn't come up before (or maybe it has and I missed it?). Either way, I'm giving the credit to @Crespyl. Great work.

          13 votes
          1. [5]
            Crespyl
            Link Parent
            Some googling suggests that it's appeared a few times in the "tildeverse" networks, but as far as I know this is the first time it's been applied here. I wasn't aware of any previous uses when it...

            Some googling suggests that it's appeared a few times in the "tildeverse" networks, but as far as I know this is the first time it's been applied here. I wasn't aware of any previous uses when it popped into my head, and it was just too perfect not to share.

            7 votes
            1. [4]
              DynamoSunshirt
              Link Parent
              Sorry if this is a dumb question, but what are the other 'tildeverse' sites?

              Sorry if this is a dumb question, but what are the other 'tildeverse' sites?

              3 votes
              1. Crespyl
                Link Parent
                The "tildeverse" is a collection of public unixy servers that are a kind of old-school social media/programming environment. See https://tildeverse.org/ The name comes from the unix standard of...

                The "tildeverse" is a collection of public unixy servers that are a kind of old-school social media/programming environment. See https://tildeverse.org/

                The name comes from the unix standard of referring to users with a ~, like ~foo, which you sometimes see in urls for some old-fashioned university sites.

                No relation to this site.

                7 votes
              2. thereticent
                Link Parent
                There's a small-web, community-nurturing internet project called Tilde.club, and tildeverse sites are those made by and for that community and other small-webbers. It sounds so much like this site...

                There's a small-web, community-nurturing internet project called Tilde.club, and tildeverse sites are those made by and for that community and other small-webbers.

                It sounds so much like this site when I put it into text, but it's unrelated as far as I know.

                6 votes
      3. [3]
        Deely
        Link Parent
        "Tilderinos"

        "Tilderinos"

        14 votes
        1. Foreigner
          Link Parent
          In my heart it will always be this one

          In my heart it will always be this one

          5 votes
      4. NoblePath
        Link Parent
        As a contrarian, I always use tilderino, in deference both to the dude and ned flanders.

        As a contrarian, I always use tilderino, in deference both to the dude and ned flanders.

        12 votes
    2. [4]
      elight
      Link Parent
      Propensity. Yes. Too many of my hobbies are computer-based. There's gaming and... let me think... gaming. Ok, I'm also a bit into 3d printing and self-hosting. And, ok, cycling. Except I haven't...

      Propensity. Yes.

      Too many of my hobbies are computer-based. There's gaming and... let me think... gaming. Ok, I'm also a bit into 3d printing and self-hosting.

      And, ok, cycling. Except I haven't seen a cycling group for people woefully out of shape to cycle together in the DC area.

      5 votes
      1. [2]
        boxer_dogs_dance
        Link Parent
        Two books that I recommend for people who want to brainstorm potential hobbies are Flow the psychology of optimal experience by Csikzentmihalyi and Bowling Alone by Putnam. It's been mentioned but...

        Two books that I recommend for people who want to brainstorm potential hobbies are Flow the psychology of optimal experience by Csikzentmihalyi and Bowling Alone by Putnam.

        It's been mentioned but just surfing meetup might inspire you.

        3 votes
        1. elight
          Link Parent
          Oh, I've read Flow.

          Oh, I've read Flow.

          2 votes
      2. smoontjes
        Link Parent
        How about a walking group and such? DC is a metropolis right? There's bound to be something to this effect?

        And, ok, cycling. Except I haven't seen a cycling group for people woefully out of shape to cycle together in the DC area.

        How about a walking group and such? DC is a metropolis right? There's bound to be something to this effect?

  4. [10]
    smoontjes
    Link
    Yip, met one of my best friends here because she saw one of my posts on ~lgbt, found it relatable, dm'd me, and then invited me to a discord server. Then after a few months of being there we...

    Yip, met one of my best friends here because she saw one of my posts on ~lgbt, found it relatable, dm'd me, and then invited me to a discord server. Then after a few months of being there we started dm'ing a lot more about whatever we had in common that we talked about on the discord with the others there. To be fair, it's a lot easier to get to know people in the LGBT community since we know from the get-go that there are going to be a lot of shared life experiences without having even talked by just knowing the other person is queer.. because it's the same story for nearly everyone - a confusing youth, a coming into your own, and maybe some delayed, if any, milestones.

    We have now visited each other 3 times for a week each time across 2 countries (about 1 Texas to be fair), and it's surprisingly cheap. Cost me only €100 to go from Copenhagen to Amsterdam, and Odense to Groningen the other time was about €80. Takes like upwards of 10 hours though that's alright for some good times and seeing tons of things every day.

    Shoutout to @x08 for being a great person and messaging me first back then..!

    Anyway I've also had some chats with people based on posts on ~health.mental too, with very gracious help or offers of listening to me or the other way around. As well as just relatable experiences. However, I will say that trauma bonding isn't exactly an ideal way to get to know someone.

    There's also a huge age span on Tildes though. I think I'm on the younger end at 31. Seems like most are 40+ here? So it might be difficult to find someone at the approximately appropriate age with whom you have chemistry I guess. So my advice has already kind of been posted in other comments, but yeah consistently engaging in subtildes' is the way to go. That way you start to recognize usernames and eventually you find out that you vibe particularly well with a certain user. Maybe someone then dm's you or you dm them ^^ But it's a time and patience thing.

    24 votes
    1. [8]
      Gazook89
      Link Parent
      I’m interested in the demographic survey results. I never imagined that the average age here is 40+, but I’ve only been around for about a year. But also, I only ever assume I’m older than...

      I’m interested in the demographic survey results. I never imagined that the average age here is 40+, but I’ve only been around for about a year.

      But also, I only ever assume I’m older than everyone on the internet— not for any logical reason, it’s just my default assumption for some reason. Maybe I like to think that people older than me are wiser and have better things to do in real life.

      For reference, I’m only 35.

      9 votes
      1. [7]
        Minori
        Link Parent
        I wouldn't be too surprised? Many of the earliest internet references made in discussions here are before my time. I'm curious how many fellow Zoomers are on Tildes now.

        I wouldn't be too surprised? Many of the earliest internet references made in discussions here are before my time. I'm curious how many fellow Zoomers are on Tildes now.

        9 votes
        1. [2]
          boxer_dogs_dance
          Link Parent
          I've met at least one Tildes zoomer in person.

          I've met at least one Tildes zoomer in person.

          8 votes
          1. smoontjes
            Link Parent
            The oldest zoomers are only a year and 9 days away from being 30 years old. Kind of crazy to think about!

            The oldest zoomers are only a year and 9 days away from being 30 years old. Kind of crazy to think about!

            1 vote
        2. [3]
          Fal
          Link Parent
          The youngest person on Tildes that I know of is I believe Kuromantis, though he isn't as active nowadays. I'm also around the middle of Gen Z, though I do think that most of Tildes' users are...

          The youngest person on Tildes that I know of is I believe Kuromantis, though he isn't as active nowadays. I'm also around the middle of Gen Z, though I do think that most of Tildes' users are comparatively fossilized 30- and 40- year olds (respectfully :p)

          5 votes
          1. DefinitelyNotAFae
            Link Parent
            I would object but when I thought about moving my back hurt.

            I would object but when I thought about moving my back hurt.

            4 votes
          2. boxer_dogs_dance
            Link Parent
            There are also some of us GenX and possibly even older here.

            There are also some of us GenX and possibly even older here.

            4 votes
        3. sparksbet
          Link Parent
          I identify as a Zillennial myself but I'm definitely categorized as a Zoomer by some definitions!

          I identify as a Zillennial myself but I'm definitely categorized as a Zoomer by some definitions!

          3 votes
  5. [4]
    infpossibilityspace
    Link
    I find it fascinating too. I grew up during the first wave of social media, back in the MySpace and bebo days. Even back then, the idea of putting so much of your personality on the intenet that...

    I find it fascinating too.

    I grew up during the first wave of social media, back in the MySpace and bebo days. Even back then, the idea of putting so much of your personality on the intenet that you could make friends seemed really weird to me.

    But today, even some of my meat friends have met their online friends, yet I'm in a limbo of wanting to make online friends yet too private a person to invest enough into it.

    17 votes
    1. [3]
      Englerdy
      Link Parent
      First time I've seen that term and what a wild way to describe IRL friends. 😂 Feels like a counter to the idea of AI friends, but technically I think that would make online friends Meat Friends...

      meat friends

      First time I've seen that term and what a wild way to describe IRL friends. 😂 Feels like a counter to the idea of AI friends, but technically I think that would make online friends Meat Friends too. Still, wild.

      9 votes
      1. [2]
        JCPhoenix
        Link Parent
        I think it comes from term "meatspace." There was a time when cyberspace and meatspace worlds were supposed to be kept separate. But over time, it's not gotten to be as separate. Like my IRL,...

        I think it comes from term "meatspace." There was a time when cyberspace and meatspace worlds were supposed to be kept separate. But over time, it's not gotten to be as separate.

        Like my IRL, meatspace friends are also online friends. We met online initially almost a decade ago. But we've also met in person many times. Sometimes even daily, as I work with some of them now! Yet overall our interaction is still primarily Internet-mediated. But my online friends are still my meat friends.

        ...God, that sounds so gross, lol...

        12 votes
        1. Englerdy
          Link Parent
          That makes sense, still a wild term. 😂

          That makes sense, still a wild term. 😂

          3 votes
  6. [6]
    mayonuki
    Link
    I think here communities passionate about some niche topic are not really around like some small subreddits would be. Everything is on the front page basically, at least for me. So it’s like a big...

    I think here communities passionate about some niche topic are not really around like some small subreddits would be. Everything is on the front page basically, at least for me. So it’s like a big train station with people coming and coming from all over the place and it’s not easy to really get a lot of continued interactions with the same people over a period of time. I think that’s the key to making friends. Or at least one of the best ways to do it. Personally it’s very hard to make friends without have some unique shared experience to relate over. Like an inside joke. I also feel like the community here is very proper. Comments are generally well thought out and rarely do I see even attempts at jokes. That tone is infectious as a lot of people here are precious about this community.

    15 votes
    1. [5]
      elight
      Link Parent
      Exactly this. I have engaging conversations here. However, I only see a few familiar handles across conversations, e.g, @Akir and @beanburrito. Although, if I'm really honest, I don't look at...

      Exactly this. I have engaging conversations here. However, I only see a few familiar handles across conversations, e.g, @Akir and @beanburrito.

      Although, if I'm really honest, I don't look at handles all that often...

      5 votes
      1. [4]
        BeanBurrito
        Link Parent
        I find that interesting as my perception is that I don't post here enough to be recognized. At least not anymore. As to the topic of the thread, e-friends are nice. I've had a few for many years....

        I find that interesting as my perception is that I don't post here enough to be recognized. At least not anymore. As to the topic of the thread, e-friends are nice. I've had a few for many years. It is not the same as IRL friends. For those you need to do IRL stuff. Volunteering, classes, other interests that can be used to bring you into contact with people. If you don't have such interests the way to go is to find such interests that you would on their own merits, but that also give you a chance to be around a consistent group of people.

        3 votes
        1. elight
          Link Parent
          I remember the handle. I asked if you were (also) vegan. The handle has stood out to me since.

          I remember the handle. I asked if you were (also) vegan. The handle has stood out to me since.

          1 vote
        2. [2]
          smoontjes
          Link Parent
          Take it with a grain of salt but I saw a number once that communication is 70% body language and expressions. So I feel like that's a pretty fair number for what an online friend is. So like,...

          I've had a few for many years. It is not the same as IRL friends.

          Take it with a grain of salt but I saw a number once that communication is 70% body language and expressions. So I feel like that's a pretty fair number for what an online friend is. So like, online friends give you about 30% of what an irl friend would give you in terms of happiness or love you feel (or whatever you can measure it in) from hanging out and whatnot.

          1. Reapy
            Link Parent
            I disagree on that , at least the numbers. Having had a good amount of online friends over the years (much less now truthfully) I have gotten a lot from knowing people well online. In my teens it...

            I disagree on that , at least the numbers. Having had a good amount of online friends over the years (much less now truthfully) I have gotten a lot from knowing people well online. In my teens it was only text, yet the people I hung with were a lifeline when I felt I had no friends. One of them, 30 years later , who I've only met irl once, is who I game with almost nightly and one of my longest friends. We use discord now and talk, but even then with enough time you can catch 'body language' over text. The cadence of responses, words used etc all paint a picture of the person's mood like body language would.

            In college i had larger online friend groups and I recall getting a some rushes of social excitement when we used to hang in irc for a night just being goofy and making fun , same feeling I'd have after leaving an irl party.

            The trick is the communication must be real time , two or more people commiting time to one another and engaging through some medium.

            Granted it's been a long while now since I've engaged on online life beyond one or two people, but when i do meet someone new it's been asynchronous messaging, which can be a rush, but isn't tht same thing and I haven't made a new friend in a long while, though the issue might just be me not having time to do so.

            But ultimately my point is I do agree it's less online, but not really so low as 30 percent. A friend is a friend and having a friend to help and to help you is precious, no matter the medium of communication.

            5 votes
  7. [4]
    Protected
    Link
    I've made friends online elsewhere, so the being online isn't the problem, but I definitely agree that it seems difficult to get tildists to actually dialogue, as in, exchange a series of...

    I've made friends online elsewhere, so the being online isn't the problem, but I definitely agree that it seems difficult to get tildists to actually dialogue, as in, exchange a series of comments, when compared to other platforms. There is a deeply entrenched culture of frontloading the whole thing, which results in really good long posts, but there are a lot of things that can benefit from a more dynamic style of conversation. Outing myself here but I'm pretty sure I mentioned this (in far fewer words) in my survey response.

    I don't disagree with those who mentioned shared interests but I can't help but think interests like Minecraft are most helpful because they move the conversation to a more dynamic, fast-paced, quick-turnaround platform. There are a lot of subjects on Tildes on whose threads you often meet the same people, but since those discussions can't lead to anything more dynamic than the thread itself, there's nowhere to go from there.

    14 votes
    1. [2]
      Comment deleted by author
      Link Parent
      1. Protected
        Link Parent
        When I posted on reddit more frequently there was a marked difference. I've always endeavored to write long, informative posts on reddit on occasion, but there were a lot more quick fire...

        When I posted on reddit more frequently there was a marked difference. I've always endeavored to write long, informative posts on reddit on occasion, but there were a lot more quick fire responses, with shared references, links, song lyrics, that sort of thing (not that I made any friends there; even a decade ago it was just too vast and dispersed a group of people).

        5 votes
    2. CptBluebear
      Link Parent
      You may be safe! I said something similar.

      Outing myself here but I'm pretty sure I mentioned this (in far fewer words) in my survey response.

      You may be safe! I said something similar.

      6 votes
    3. Protected
      Link Parent
      After reading some of the other comments people have been making here, I figured I'd do my part by making myself available to meet on VRChat, if anyone's interested (I already suggested this in...

      After reading some of the other comments people have been making here, I figured I'd do my part by making myself available to meet on VRChat, if anyone's interested (I already suggested this in passing to a couple of people in the context of past converations).

      Why VRChat, you might ask?

      Well, I only ever use it while in full body room scale VR. That means that when/if I'm there, I'm already committed to engaging with other people and my attention is as undivided as it gets, since I can't exactly be doing much else while there's a bunch of battery powered crap strapped to my body. As opposed to my more typical combination of simultaneous housework, programming, kanji memorization, podcast listening, etc. I might still check stuff here and there, but trust me, it's better.

      1 vote
  8. [2]
    Comment deleted by author
    Link
    1. elight
      Link Parent
      I used to have poor boundaries, over sharing, until my (second) wife (the first passed away 11 years ago) helped me see it's healthier to be more deliberate and discriminatory in my sharing. It's...

      Open up a little

      I used to have poor boundaries, over sharing, until my (second) wife (the first passed away 11 years ago) helped me see it's healthier to be more deliberate and discriminatory in my sharing.

      It's a tricky balance. Vulnerability is worth it. Over sharing though is often a form of disrespecting oneself.

      4 votes
  9. [2]
    Wafik
    Link
    For what it's worth, I'm a married 40 year old with fur babies whose primary hobby is gaming. My IRL friends all either have kids, live too far away or we only hang out when I put the effort in....

    For what it's worth, I'm a married 40 year old with fur babies whose primary hobby is gaming. My IRL friends all either have kids, live too far away or we only hang out when I put the effort in.

    I'll be your friend. Or if that is too weird, I'll at least try and figure out a game where we can play co-op.

    12 votes
  10. [7]
    boxer_dogs_dance
    Link
    I've met a few tildesians who were willing to meet a traveler in their region, or were traveling to mine. All of those were pleasant meetings. One seems to be shaping up into a friendship that is...

    I've met a few tildesians who were willing to meet a traveler in their region, or were traveling to mine. All of those were pleasant meetings. One seems to be shaping up into a friendship that is moving offline.

    Edit, you are more than welcome to join us at tildes book club

    11 votes
    1. [6]
      elight
      Link Parent
      Thank you. Link to latest book club post? I seem to recall seeing these occasionally. Book clubs can be a challenge for me. I'm a slow reader. But if the book is engaging enough, I go faster!

      Thank you. Link to latest book club post? I seem to recall seeing these occasionally.

      Book clubs can be a challenge for me. I'm a slow reader. But if the book is engaging enough, I go faster!

      2 votes
      1. [5]
        boxer_dogs_dance
        Link Parent
        2025 book club schedule would you like me to add you to the ping list for book club posts?

        2025 book club schedule

        would you like me to add you to the ping list for book club posts?

        4 votes
        1. elight
          Link Parent
          Cool! I've read a few of these and several of definitely read. I'd probably read Hyperion again. That was the weirdest Canterbury Tales I've ever read...

          Cool! I've read a few of these and several of definitely read.

          I'd probably read Hyperion again. That was the weirdest Canterbury Tales I've ever read...

          3 votes
        2. [2]
          pekt
          Link Parent
          Could you add me as well? I'm not sure when I'll join in but I am interested.

          Could you add me as well? I'm not sure when I'll join in but I am interested.

          2 votes
  11. RheingoldRiver
    Link
    my advice is maybe counter-intuitively to find interest in activities, things, places, etc first, not people. Then you join discussion spaces where you can bond over a shared interest. Generally...

    my advice is maybe counter-intuitively to find interest in activities, things, places, etc first, not people. Then you join discussion spaces where you can bond over a shared interest. Generally when I am seeking out interaction it's because I'm interested in talking about {speculative fiction, broadway musicals, some other hobby, etc} or doing {escape rooms, bookbinding class, recently contra dancing, etc}. Then I make friends through these avenues. Also be willing to treat internet friendships equally to IRL friendships, most of my closest friends are people I've never met in person (or if I have, it's because we decided to meet up after knowing each other online for a long time)

    8 votes
  12. [5]
    BroiledBraniac
    Link
    I am in a similar situation, although I'm in my mid 30's. There is a certain excitement to being able to communicate with strangers so easily and share your perspective, but taking the leap to...

    I am in a similar situation, although I'm in my mid 30's. There is a certain excitement to being able to communicate with strangers so easily and share your perspective, but taking the leap to message someone feels daunting. Maybe we need something like a discord server for people interested in this.

    7 votes
    1. [4]
      Lapbunny
      Link Parent
      I get the trepidation from others about Discord, but honestly I agree. Having some friend groups that grew up on message boards and moved to it, I prefer Discord as a purely social platform. Only...

      I get the trepidation from others about Discord, but honestly I agree. Having some friend groups that grew up on message boards and moved to it, I prefer Discord as a purely social platform. Only thing I don't like is that chats can get clogged by a vocal minority talking about a particular interest, and shooing them to a thread tends to stifle it because forums and threads aren't visible enough to those who don't know they exist. It's also gamer-focused, which I'd get if it's off-putting to those who don't appreciate that target user, but my main car discussion outlet is a Discord channel and I don't have a problem with that there. I actively enjoy using the app.

      One of my groups moved from GameFAQs to a forum to a forum to Skype to then Discord, and we're still going. (My GameFAQs account I met them on hit 20 y/o yesterday, kill me.) Originally when we split between a forum and Skype it was a little segmented, and there was a bit of a clique to people who preferred one or the other. But longer-form discussion pretty much stayed on the forum as intended until we didn't need it, and I don't see a problem with that happening here since this site is partially a feed. Long form discussion is great, but I personally find it very stuffy at times even though I like all y'all as a community and people. I find chats (that aren't reaching hundreds of active users) more conducive to one-on-one connection, and I'd join a tildes server in a hot minute.

      At the same time, not sure if the site appreciates us suggesting "hey, join us on this semi-competing platform!"

      8 votes
      1. [2]
        DrStone
        Link Parent
        There was (is?) an unofficial Tildes discord. It, unsurprisingly, turned into a clique that amplified dissatisfaction and drama which would spill back over to the Tildes site.

        There was (is?) an unofficial Tildes discord. It, unsurprisingly, turned into a clique that amplified dissatisfaction and drama which would spill back over to the Tildes site.

        6 votes
        1. Lapbunny
          Link Parent
          While I've seen that happen, I feel like that can come down to a moderation or community issue that should be identified and dealt with, not the platform.

          While I've seen that happen, I feel like that can come down to a moderation or community issue that should be identified and dealt with, not the platform.

          2 votes
      2. elight
        Link Parent
        Well why not? Tildes isn't commercialized. It's not competition but enrichment, yeah?

        Well why not? Tildes isn't commercialized. It's not competition but enrichment, yeah?

        3 votes
  13. artvandelay
    Link
    My comments here on Tildes are pretty much just me yelling into the void but I have made friends on other online platforms, namely Discord. Like some others have mentioned in the thread, these...

    My comments here on Tildes are pretty much just me yelling into the void but I have made friends on other online platforms, namely Discord. Like some others have mentioned in the thread, these online friendships blossomed from just having regular conversations with people. In my case with Discord, I was having conversations with the same few people over and over. We were all a part of a bigger Discord server dedicated to people helping each other navigate the interview loops for software engineering internships. That server had channels where people could discuss non-interview related things and that's where I connected with others who had similar interests to me. Eventually, the 30-40 people I regularly talked with moved to our own Discord server. Eventually, that server also split into smaller regional servers once people revealed the general areas they were in. We eventually scheduled meetups and became friends in person too. I still primarily talk with these people over Discord as we live in different corners of the same larger metro area. I consider these friends the same as any other friend I have, though my other friends look at me weirdly when I mention this.

    7 votes
  14. [9]
    Englerdy
    Link
    I was pretty young when Facebook was taking off, and connected with some friends of friends along the way that I basically only ever knew online. I was pretty close to a few, but as adults we've...

    I was pretty young when Facebook was taking off, and connected with some friends of friends along the way that I basically only ever knew online. I was pretty close to a few, but as adults we've all kind of drifted apart. But there were a few folks I connected with in forms that I connected with by email and eventually added on Facebook. It's kind of terrifying to look back on, but I think after talking to someone for months you get a pretty good sense of if they're some kind of pervert or genuinely who they say they are. And honestly a Facebook history provided better verification than anything else.

    So this idea isn't super foreign, but as an adult (though similar to u/smoontjes, I feel pretty young here on Tildes at least) I find I spend a lot less time in online spaces connecting with folks than I do IRL in part because of the time demands and being in an environment with lots of people my age. Still, I think of any current spaces, places like Tildes without all the spam and bloat are probably one of the few places it's still kind of easy to make meaningful connections with strangers online and to be able to eventually become friends. I'm hoping as Tildes grows a bit more, conversations here maybe take on longer life's and it feels more connected.

    5 votes
    1. [8]
      RheingoldRiver
      Link Parent
      niche discord servers for your hobbies (the hard part ofc is finding the communities you want to be part of, but I bet if you list specific hobbies someone here could dm you some servers to join)

      one of the few places it's still kind of easy to make meaningful connections with strangers online

      niche discord servers for your hobbies (the hard part ofc is finding the communities you want to be part of, but I bet if you list specific hobbies someone here could dm you some servers to join)

      4 votes
      1. [6]
        Englerdy
        Link Parent
        I've seen this and think it's a great suggestion for a lot of people. Personally I don't think it's for me though. I find Discord to be a really challenging place to engage honestly. It feels...

        I've seen this and think it's a great suggestion for a lot of people. Personally I don't think it's for me though. I find Discord to be a really challenging place to engage honestly. It feels cluttered and like people are talking over each other. Works great as a 1-on-1 chat app imo, but I've personally really began to struggle to keep up in social media spaces where it feels like I have to shout louder than others to participate. I have lots of friends that use it and I'm on a few servers related to software or podcasts, but I honestly never open it to go engage unless I have a question. I know some people really like it, but it's just not for me. I just don't know how else to describe it other than it's too "loud" as a text communication platform if that makes sense.

        13 votes
        1. [3]
          smoontjes
          Link Parent
          I have the same problem with big servers and by big I mean more than like 10 active per day and maybe 50 members in total although not all active kinda. I feel like discord is more so an extension...

          I have the same problem with big servers and by big I mean more than like 10 active per day and maybe 50 members in total although not all active kinda. I feel like discord is more so an extension of group chats than anything else, so those huge ones with hundreds of users is just spammy, impossible to keep up with, and then the dozens of separate channels? Just too hard and time consuming to engage with I feel. Can't connect with anyone that way really. It does also mean that it's impossible for me to find new communities because those smaller discords are private and not really shared

          13 votes
          1. [2]
            Sapholia
            Link Parent
            Agreed, I think it's hard-to-impossible to break into large communities on Discord. I've never succeeded with it. I mostly use the app for DMs with friends I already had, though I have been lucky...

            Agreed, I think it's hard-to-impossible to break into large communities on Discord. I've never succeeded with it. I mostly use the app for DMs with friends I already had, though I have been lucky a couple of times with invites to small friendly servers. Unfortunately one of those faded out and went defunct, which I think is always a risk if there aren't many active participants. Managing those small communities seems to be a careful balancing act, which I don't think any of us were trained for.

            5 votes
            1. smoontjes
              Link Parent
              I managed to break into a 100+ users one once, but that was only because I constantly 'sacrificed' my own energy by asking others questions or engaging in topics that others were interested in. It...

              I managed to break into a 100+ users one once, but that was only because I constantly 'sacrificed' my own energy by asking others questions or engaging in topics that others were interested in. It was really draining, but at least I met one who has been a good friend for a couple of years now whom I speak (chat) to daily. So I guess it was worth it because of that one friendship.

              I met two others irl much both have fizzled out since then.. edit: feel free to skip this paragraph as it's just me venting. One was a really harsh person, you know the type that's "just being honest"? I tried to ignore it but there was almost always harsh comments about other people when we hanged out. Including lecturing me about that I shouldn't have cut off my father because blood is thicker than water (except the full quote is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" /eyeroll. When I told her why I cut him off (neglect and emotional abuse) all she said was "well then you should go to the police". She would also often rant about unemployed people and mentally ill - even though I am both. Again I just tried to ignore it to keep the friendship intact, but I really regret not telling her off and honestly put her in her place. The strange thing is that she is hardcore leftist but then somehow culturally conservative even though she's queer, and even though she's out and very much visibly so, and her family very much knows all about it, but they still refuse her. So everyone pretends she's not queer at all which is.. whew. Finally, she accused me of stealing because she couldn't get a €100 loot box to work - like, instantly her very first thought was that I stole from her! But literally two minutes later she figured it out. She never apologized for it, so that was the final straw and I didn't even care to explain why I ghosted her. Just a kind of bad person honestly.

              And the other one is kind of funny there wasn't much chemistry so it fizzled out pretty quick and also because she and my ex got together so at least I can laugh about that haha

              So yeah, I very much agree that it is really hard to break into already established communities like that.

              3 votes
        2. [2]
          DynamoSunshirt
          Link Parent
          Couldn't agree more about Discord. There's just something about the medium that makes it very difficult for me to latch onto a community and make meaningful connections. I guess it's the mix of...

          Couldn't agree more about Discord. There's just something about the medium that makes it very difficult for me to latch onto a community and make meaningful connections. I guess it's the mix of ephemeral messages and quick turnaround time for responses? I find I prefer email cadence (and scale!), personally, which Tildes matches quite well.

          9 votes
          1. elight
            Link Parent
            Everything you said about Discord and also what was said by someone else: the app seems as though it was designed to be overwhelming. There are too many different sections and visuals in the UI. I...

            Everything you said about Discord and also what was said by someone else: the app seems as though it was designed to be overwhelming. There are too many different sections and visuals in the UI.

            I didn't think I would be one of those people but: I miss IRC.

            4 votes
      2. elight
        Link Parent
        Sounds like IRC that way. I remember having some deeper connections there, back in the day.

        Sounds like IRC that way. I remember having some deeper connections there, back in the day.

        2 votes
  15. [2]
    xavdid
    Link
    The thing I'm really missing to develop relationships is a way to recognize users. I think there's a browser extension for it, but it would be super useful to be able to mark some users so they...

    The thing I'm really missing to develop relationships is a way to recognize users. I think there's a browser extension for it, but it would be super useful to be able to mark some users so they light up in threads. Then you can start to recognize certain people and build some familiarity that way.

    5 votes
    1. lou
      Link Parent
      I intentionally do the opposite. I make an effort to not remember usernames. That way, if someone rubs me the wrong way, they can always start fresh with me the next time. I do remember a few...

      I intentionally do the opposite. I make an effort to not remember usernames. That way, if someone rubs me the wrong way, they can always start fresh with me the next time. I do remember a few usernames to no fault of my own.

      1 vote
  16. [2]
    Endless
    Link
    Also struggling with making friendships. The usual 'get out' 'join clubs' 'volunteer' 'put yourself outthere' just not working.

    Also struggling with making friendships. The usual 'get out' 'join clubs' 'volunteer' 'put yourself outthere' just not working.

    5 votes
    1. boxer_dogs_dance
      Link Parent
      I've read some books about how to do it. It's hard. I think many people either don't recognize the value or don't have time outside of work/ family or have given up. Barbra Erhrenreich pointed out...

      I've read some books about how to do it. It's hard.

      I think many people either don't recognize the value or don't have time outside of work/ family or have given up.

      Barbra Erhrenreich pointed out that people who work untypical schedules are even more disadvantaged re relationships.

      6 votes
  17. PossiblyBipedal
    Link
    Like others have said, you just have to slide into DMs. I'm mostly a lurker, but I've made friends with the small amount of posts I've made. I either DM them or I get DMed based on a post...

    Like others have said, you just have to slide into DMs. I'm mostly a lurker, but I've made friends with the small amount of posts I've made. I either DM them or I get DMed based on a post they've/I've made.

    4 votes
  18. lou
    Link
    Tildes was designed to potentialize quality discussion, not personal connection. So your observation is a correct appraisal of the website. Personal content do exist, but there's no expectation...

    Tildes was designed to potentialize quality discussion, not personal connection. So your observation is a correct appraisal of the website. Personal content do exist, but there's no expectation for those interactions to build into meaningful relationships.

    Also, as others said, you can always use DMs.

    3 votes
  19. naraxius
    Link
    I’ve tried finding people through forums, but it rarely works unless you connect over a shared passion and end up chatting in DMs. For me, meeting people in games has been much more effective....

    I’ve tried finding people through forums, but it rarely works unless you connect over a shared passion and end up chatting in DMs. For me, meeting people in games has been much more effective. I’ve got a longer story about how I struggled with loneliness—despite having a wife and kids—and not having close IRL friends. People often mock “virtual friends,” but over the past two years, I’ve made some truly great ones. It’s not for everyone, but this approach worked for me.

    Usually, it starts with turning on voice chat in random squads for battle royales or extraction shooters. If we enjoy the match, we add each other, play more games, and sometimes move to Discord. Over time, those connections have grown into a small but meaningful group. The Discord I’ve built has been a space where friendships have formed and evolved, and I’m hopeful it will continue to grow. If I hadn’t been proactive about starting those conversations, it would’ve just been another random match.

    3 votes