-
40 votes
-
Parent on deathbed? Go or not?
My only living parent has between one and five days left to live. The parent is unable to speak now and has had dementia for the last 5 years and will not recognize who I am if I go visit now in...
My only living parent has between one and five days left to live. The parent is unable to speak now and has had dementia for the last 5 years and will not recognize who I am if I go visit now in these final hours.
They live a few thousand miles away from me; it would be expensive to go and money is painfully tight right now with my partner unexpectedly unemployed and struggling to get a job comparable to the job just lost.
I’m somewhat estranged from this parent. The short version is this parent is a narcissist and really didn’t show up when I was growing up, or at any point in my adult life, or really at any point when it mattered. Despite this person being a really crappy parent, they exerted a massive gravitational pull in my life through many decades—basically, this parent loomed very large for far too long given the extreme narcissism, albeit much less so in the last decade or two. (Dementia and my coming to terms with it all and caring less and time and my having my own kids and my starting my own family all being some sort of salve.)
I have one very close friend who is telling me that it is critical to go before this parent dies because being present while they are still living will give me a kind of closure and unexpected resolutions that I cannot even anticipate now. This friend is quite adamant that going is critical for personal growth.
A different close friend says that going while the person is still alive is a complete waste and that I should go for the funeral instead where I can see other relatives and connect with my sibling and other relatives and deepen those relationships which (the friend says) will be a momentous transition point for us all, creating a better sense of family than any of us could have ever had while this person was alive. This friend insists that the healing and closure is identical pre-death and post-death, but that the extra emotional burden of seeing someone dying will derail me and never be able to be “unseen.” This person thinks spending money on two trips is foolish, so the one trip to go on is for the memorial. FWIW, My sibling is only going for the memorial.
Even if money were no object, I’m not sure I could emotionally handle going twice. I suppose I can, but that’s very time intensive and I have young kids myself who need me and for whom it would be a strain if I were gone for too long. I’ve already said it, but I have to say it again: money is really tight Going twice feels possible, but extremely difficult
I guess what I’m really trying to understand, if my feelings for this parent are presently ambivalence that grew over a decade or two from what was formerly extreme anger and hurt, is there something meaningful about going while the parent is still alive? Is there something important that happens before the person dies that is in someway healing or transformative or valuable? Is it more important to instead go when my sibling is going? Should I max the credit card and go twice? Should I risk infuriating and deeply damaging my relationships with my extended family and not go at all to save money? (This last option seems wrong, but it is a possibility, so I feel like it at least deserves considering.)
Friends of Tildes, what did you gain or lose from seeing a relative in hospice? What thoughts and wisdom do you have to share around moments like these?
Thank you in advance for sharing your stories. I’m sure your collective wisdom will help me make a better choice.
28 votes -
Great men do wear their babies – the days of criticising a father for carrying his child are over
28 votes -
More Chinese women graduate but jobs and equal pay still elude them: women under-represented in Stem subjects at university and afterwards are quizzed about plans to start a family
19 votes -
Addressing the cause of collapsing fertility: status
22 votes -
Children under the age of two should not use any digital media, according to new recommendations from Sweden's public health agency
35 votes -
How anti-trans US policies in Project 2025 could impact all families
27 votes -
How do you respond to sentimental gifts or requests from aging loved ones?
The topic has been on my mind lately and I'm thinking through my feelings. I'd appreciate hearing others' experiences and opinions to help with my approach. For context, I have several close...
The topic has been on my mind lately and I'm thinking through my feelings. I'd appreciate hearing others' experiences and opinions to help with my approach.
For context, I have several close family members, including a parent, approaching retirement age. As they've been getting their affairs in order, I've been finding myself the recipient of either gifts or posthumous requests, which are sentimental to them but not me.
Its nothing outrageous. Examples of gifts are things like little decorations/mementos/childhood crafts, long held by them but which I've never seen before. In terms of requests, think along the lines of: I'd really love for you to learn X instrument because you're musical, or I'd love for you to take care of X income-generating hobby I started but you like (Im being a little vague).
I want to respect their feelings (even when I'm not overly sentimental) and help them feel comfortable as they get older, but I want also don't want to outright lie (eg, requests I can't promise to keep) or accrue things that, to me, are clutter.
How have you approached this, or similar scenarios with aging or dying loved ones? Did your opinions or feelings change as they continued to age or passed?
23 votes -
The Swedish Maker's beautiful tribute to his father
3 votes -
You don't descend from all your ancestors
21 votes -
Is ‘birdnesting’ the answer for divorcing parents? The arrangement in which children of separated couples stay in the family home with one parent, before the other swaps in, is taking off.
22 votes -
Sweden paying grandparents to babysit
26 votes -
A wife’s revenge from beyond the grave
48 votes -
Routine and structure are very valuable to me for performing my best and achieving my goals. With my first kid on the way, any tips for getting back on track when days go "off script?"
I was diagnosed with adult ADHD a few years ago. The first thing I focused on was structuring my schedule and environment to allow it to work to my advantage. This has helped immensely with...
I was diagnosed with adult ADHD a few years ago. The first thing I focused on was structuring my schedule and environment to allow it to work to my advantage. This has helped immensely with improving myself and achieving my goals, I'd say even more so than medication has (then again, the meds helped me accomplish it in the first place).
However, it doesn't take much to push me off balance. Any unexpected events (frankly, even expected ones) can derail everything, and very quickly I feel this urge to go back to bed and start it all over again tomorrow. I'd liken it to maintaining momentum. Even things like doctor's appointments or mini vacations with my wife have me returning back to my life suddenly with no idea of how to manage it.
With my first kid on the way, I want to properly prepare myself. I've come to terms with the amount of focus and attention I'll have to give to him. In fact, it kind of sounds nice to recontextualize my life's purpose to just "keep this thing alive." However, I do have ambitions and lofty dreams that, if I'm being honest with myself, are THE reasons I get up in the morning.
I have no doubt I'll be able to recalibrate to this new life I'm about to enter and develop a new way of living that works for me, but I am curious if anyone has some tips or bits of wisdom to help make the transition quicker, easier, and smoother. To get through my day, I need to slowly pick up a head of steam and barrel through my tasks. How can I maintain this strategy with the frequent interruptions that are inherent to parenthood?
Thanks everyone. I'm very excited to have a mini-me.
23 votes -
Weeks after Alice Munro’s death, daughter tells of dark family secret
16 votes -
In Norway, children walk to school aged six, or even travel across the country. Why do these kids have so much independence, while other countries are so risk-averse?
30 votes -
Perspective request: What would a healthy family do during serious physical/mental health events?
What would your family do? What would a normal, healthy, supportive family do? (If different) Hypothetical situation 1: Two family members have had a major accident. No threat to their lives, some...
What would your family do? What would a normal, healthy, supportive family do? (If different)
Hypothetical situation 1:
Two family members have had a major accident. No threat to their lives, some internal organ damage, some broken bones, not much other info is know. One of them is awake and can call/text for info, the other is in/out of surgeries and in ICU for the first two days.
A) immediately family drops everything and fly to their destination right away?
B) extended family do so?
C) discuss and send one person to go right away. Then discuss to arrange for longer term recovery + rehab care after hospital discharge
D) nothing, combo, or other ?
Hypothetical situation 2:
Family member is "not doing well", eg, mental health. Probably"moderate" level of suicide risk: no immediate plans, some reservations about morality and how devastated their partner would be, but constant ideation and philosophically don't see why not. CPTSD with more recent triggers of job loss and moving from away from a socially unsafe situation. Has entirely dropped out of communication with family. Their partner is reachable by phone or email or text and says the family member is not doing well at all and has ceased all outside of home activities such as getting mail, buying groceries, filling up the car or anything that involves other human beings.
What would a normal family do?
27 votes -
'I want her to worry about who’s waiting on the corner’: How one man uses Facebook to frighten his children’s mother and why police do nothing
35 votes -
Moviegoing is a Latino family thing — and it's been the key to US summer box office successes
16 votes -
Swedes take a new step in parental leave. Grandparents can now get paid to take care of grandkids.
31 votes -
When medical tech can keep us alive, families face tough choices
14 votes -
A family who profited from pretending to be indigenous gets exposed in Canada
15 votes -
The Christian right is coming for no-fault divorce
44 votes -
The great deterioration of local community was a major driver of the loss of the play-based childhood
26 votes -
Ten days in December- Germany with kids: Itinerary feasibility
Hi all- throwing myself on the goodwill of the community. I'm currently planning an approximately 10 day trip to Germany this December with my wife and our two boys (6 and 10). I am constrained by...
Hi all- throwing myself on the goodwill of the community.
I'm currently planning an approximately 10 day trip to Germany this December with my wife and our two boys (6 and 10).
I am constrained by the will of the people as follows:
My Wife: Wants to see the Christmas markets in Cologne and wherever else they may be in the cities we go through. Cologne is a must, though.
My elder son: Is obsessed with tanks and really wants to see the German Tank Museum in Munster (Lower Saxony not Munster in Westphalia). Honestly, so would I.
He had also really wanted to see the u-boat preserved at the German Maritime Museum in Bremerhaven so Bremen seemed like a good midpoint. It turns out the ship exhibitions are closed during winter alas. In any case I'm not closely wedded to Bremen specifically but I will need to take a day trip to the Tank Museum from a nearby city. Staying specifically in Munster seems counterproductive as it appears to be a rather small town (I'm willing to do so if anyone has good things to say about it).I'm stuck with these dates too, as I have to be elsewhere by the 21st for Christmas celebrations.
Currently the broad strokes are as follows:
10 Dec (Tues)
AM: Land in Frankfurt 0610. Connect to Cologne via train
PM: Check in to hotel. Cologne Christmas markets11 Dec (Weds)
AM & PM: Tourist stuff in Cologne12 Dec (Thurs)
AM: Connect to Bremen via train
PM: Wander Bremen old town13 Dec (Fri)
AM: Rent car, drive to German Tank Museum in Munster
PM: Back to Bremen, check out Christmas markets14 Dec (Sat)
AM: Connect to Berlin via train
PM: Check into hotel, get orientated15- 18 Dec (Sun- Weds)
See Things In Berlin (would be glad for suggestions here)19 Dec (Thurs)
AM Connect to Frankfurt via train
PM Last minute sightseeing Frankfurt20 Dec (Fri)
AM Fly off from Frankfurt AirportWould be grateful for any feedback and/or suggestions.
12 votes -
Icelanders are famously hardy, but after volcanic eruptions cracked open twenty-metre-deep fissures in Grindavík, residents are asking if they'll ever be allowed back home
11 votes -
Milestone: Eldest child hits 18!
I'm just spouting here. Today I feel old, yet I'm mid 40s. My eldest daughter today is 18. We had a family party for her yesterday and it was lovely. It's so crazy where the years go. As I sit...
I'm just spouting here. Today I feel old, yet I'm mid 40s. My eldest daughter today is 18. We had a family party for her yesterday and it was lovely.
It's so crazy where the years go. As I sit here, the 3.5 year old plays Duplo by the sofa on a lazy Sunday, the two other late teenagers upstairs and still not out of bed, I wonder what happens when they all leave and the house becomes peaceful.
I have a long time to go with the youngest having arrived while I'm in the later years for having a child, he will practically grow up a single sibling. Holidays are certainly going to get cheaper in the long term.
45 votes -
Do children have a “right to hug” their parents?
14 votes -
Family demands answers after LAPD officers fatally shoot mentally ill man in Koreatown
24 votes -
How did you decide on a daycare for your small child/children?
Hello, I hope this is the right place for this kind of question. I've thought about posting it for a few weeks now but didn't know whether I should or not. My wife has recently opened a small home...
Hello, I hope this is the right place for this kind of question. I've thought about posting it for a few weeks now but didn't know whether I should or not.
My wife has recently opened a small home daycare. We tailored everything to what we would look for if we needed daycare for our child, which was a small class size (5 children max), fully licensed and compliant with all local and state laws (which a lot of other places aren't), plenty of safe indoor and outdoor space (including a whole damn playground), and a learning-based curriculum rather than just babysitting. We have gotten a couple of people to sign up, but are having a rough time attracting more. Some people message us to ask questions, but then never reply when we provide answers. We've tried lowering our prices a bit to get started, and we're very flexible when it comes to time and needs.
So I'm just wondering, for any parents out there who have or have had small children and needed daycare, how did you decide on a place? Where/how did you find this place? And what about it stood out to you? Was it the price? Location? Recommendation of a close friend?
Any insight would be appreciated, thanks.
19 votes -
Anyone else who don't care much for their past?
I'm 46 years of age. My childhood and youth and post-youth life wasn't traumatic or anything. I had an okay life. I guess I might even have had a good life. But for some reason, reminiscing about...
I'm 46 years of age. My childhood and youth and post-youth life wasn't traumatic or anything. I had an okay life. I guess I might even have had a good life. But for some reason, reminiscing about it just doesn't feel pleasant. Some folks find talking about their past highly enjoyable. So why don't I like it? Is this normal?
23 votes -
Canadian father asks court to stop 27-year-old daughter's MAID death, review doctors' sign-off
32 votes -
Denmark's tough laws on begging hit Roma women with few other options – the Roma minority are heavily discriminated against across Europe
21 votes -
Meet the Henriksen family, where all three children were born on consequent bissextile years – the most siblings born on a Leap Day in history
6 votes -
Framing everyday life with Ryutaro Nakamoto
4 votes -
How your family shapes your body image
6 votes -
Compensating compassion | Too few people donate their organs, dead or alive. How can we make it easier to donate, but avoid the abuses that some fear from cash payments?
32 votes -
Cousins are disappearing worldwide, according to new study
34 votes -
Family of Swedish EU diplomat Johan Floderus, imprisoned in Iran for more than 663 days, fear death penalty verdict is imminent
17 votes -
How Iceland takes better care of its foreign criminal offenders than the rest of Europe
9 votes -
Fifty years since Sweden first introduced state-funded parental leave for couples to share – pioneering policy offers some surprising lessons for other countries
19 votes -
Why we can’t build family-sized apartments in North America
33 votes -
The man in room 117 – Andrey Shevelyov would rather live on the street than take antipsychotic medication. Should it be his decision to make?
21 votes -
When Rakel took over the last farm in her Norwegian village, she was not only taking responsibility for a flock of sheep, but also a way of life at a crossroads
2 votes -
Beyond Utopia | The gripping story of families who risk everything escaping North Korea | PBS
11 votes