Deciding whether (or not) to have a child
My partner and I have long been on the fence about whether or not to have a child. Now we're approaching middle age, it feels like it's a 'now or never' decision point, and ... well, I'm still torn.
On the one hand, I see the state the world is in. I'm keenly aware of the latest climate projections and what they mean (I also know enough to know how much we can still improve things if we decide to). I'm afraid of escalating instability and societal strife. What if I can't get my medications? I don't know how I'd go on even without a child in the picture. I still struggle to accept the world as it is, which is quite a bit bleaker than it was portrayed to me growing up. I spent years of my life wishing I was not born. How could I bring a child into that circumstance?
On the other hand, I'm really, really good with kids (and teenagers!) and find relationships with them really rewarding. I love spending time with my nieces, nephews, and friends' kids, and it leaves me wishing I could also shape a human with the values and priorities that are most important to me - stewardship, patience, music. I don't want the religious wingnuts to be the only ones shaping the next generation! My partner and I have a lot of privileges and would be able to offer a lot to a child, from quality education, to a fantastic extended family, to multiple powerful citizenships / passports. Hell, our parents would even move in to help us out with childcare for at least the first few years. You can't ask for much more than that.
Obviously this is a big question, and it's one my partner and I are talking about extensively. I'm also going to return to counseling soon to piece through things.
I'm certain that others on Tildes have also navigated this question. Do any of my thoughts resonate with you? What did you decide and why? Are you happy with your choice?
And has anyone adopted? Adoption is the dark horse here. Once upon a time that was my preferred route, but now that I've spent a lot more time reading about the risks and realities I've cooled on it a bit. I am certain I can deal with many challenges of raising a child, but not stuff like oppositional defiance or connection disorders, which occur at ~2x the rate in adopted children, many of whom have trauma. They deserve love too, but unfortunately I have limits due to my own mental health troubles. And all of that is to say nothing of the often sketchy or uncomfortable legal and societal circumstances of adoption.
I deeply appreciate any and all thoughts and experiences you take the time to share.
Strong interpersonal relationships, family, and children are some of the best things we do as humans. They provide the most rewarding aspects of our lives. It sounds to me like you would be wonderful parent and raise kids with values to help other people in an uncertain future.
My vote is have kids because they will be the best aspect of your life by a country mile. But I'm biased, I have 4.
I like your view better than I like my view. Seems happier.
Well hey, I appreciate that.
Noodling on this, I have a couple of tangential questions.
Have you ever wished you weren't born? That your parents hadn't had you?
and
How do you talk to your children about the uncertain world and future?
Oof. This is not going to be a lighthearted happy topic, at least regarding my involvement.
DISCLAIMER: I have a not-very-hopeful outlook on things and have at least mild depression. I am not an impartial view here.
While some ills are more localized / nation specific, the majority of my reasoning is climate change. The effects from this will be massive, with harm piling atop harm, hardship, and suffering. And while there's tons of stuff we could and should be doing to not make it worse, we are not avoiding the consequences of the effects already baked into the system. That bill is due. We are beginning to feel the cost of paying it.
There are other factors: the global rise of authoritarianism, the ongoing collapse of the American Empire, the gradual approach of the next world war, the global dependence on oil as economic lifeblood (which we have had so many years to work on... and haven't much) and the consequences of that energy getting (partially) cut off... and so many other factors.
But you know what? ALL of those 'other factors' list are in the 'we can technically do something to fix this' category. But not the climate bill. We can only stop making it worse and try to endure better as we absorb the incoming blows. The ripple effects from climate change alone will... too much.
I will not have children. My father, a professor of history and humanities, has told me he thinks that is the right decision. With a heavy heart, it is my advice. And feel sorry for giving it.
Wow this is a depressing topic for me.
To not have kids due to whichever barely-controllable world events could or could not happen always seemed unnecessarily defeatist and short-sighted to me. How many people didn't have kids in the Cold War because they were afraid they'd see nuclear warfare? Why can't your kid be the one to help solve it? Sorry if this is a little confrontational, but I think as we're faced with possible AI or climate or nuclear or whatever obliteration, that wouldn't suddenly negate my happiness from the love my parents gave me, or my friends, or my partner and kids. I'd much rather take advantage of my ability and capacity to pass that love along rather than hit the end of my life afraid of nothing - or, should I face one of those fates, regretting that I hadn't spent it creating joy out of the entropy rather than fear.
I appreciate you sharing, and as someone who shares a similar outlook (and depression) I have some scattered thoughts.
The frank reality is that the consequences of climate change will not hit everywhere evenly, and, well, I'd be able to hand a child access to some of the places most habitable. I don't know if that's 'enough,' of course - that dovetails into my last thought below.
This is a whoooooole other conversation, but while a lot of consequences are baked in, we could potentially stall or avoid many others with geoengineering (an open letter from scientists, an article about it).
(I generally believe that emissions will plateau and decrease this century due to improving green technology + shrinking populations, but it obviously isn't happening nearly quick enough).
I do feel some pull to do my part to raise the next generation - whether biological or adopted - to be better stewards of the environment and one another. I worry that only the climate deniers and religious wingnuts are having kids, and that I'm perpetuating our burgeoning idiocracy.
But underneath all of this is a fundamental philosophical question: what makes life worth living? Can someone be faced with circumstances worse than ours and still find their life worthwhile and fulfilling? After all, people have faced far worse circumstances and yet found meaning and purpose. Viktor Frankl wrote a whole book about it. I don't have an answer to these questions ... but I do see how they're really the 'main' issue that the above thoughts are all dancing around.
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I know it isn't easy. Depression sucks.
My partner and I are expecting any day now. I hold the more pessimistic view on the world and kind of wanted to continue to enjoy our lives the way they were, I had this philosophical view of not wanting to bring another conscious entity into this world, until we reached our decision point like you did. She has always been vocal about wanting kids and my rationale was that I just didn’t feel financially secure enough to fully commit to it yet. Though as everyone says, you never feel ready. Eventually I came around to the idea after rationalizing that I’d rather have a child than regret not having one. One of my best friends has two daughters and it’s so precious. I like the idea of reliving all the cool things that we do get to experience as modern humans through this entity you and this person you love mixed DNA with in this primordial process. It’s pretty wild how quickly I came around once we started trying and got the positive test, I began ‘nesting’ almost immediately and working on all the renovations my house needed to accommodate her. We are ecstatic too, now that everything is ready and waiting for her to arrive. I coincidentally just wrote about being on the precipice of fatherhood on my blog if you’re interested. But don’t wanna come off as self promoting. It’s mostly about all my home improvement work and I haven’t added pictures yet lol.
I will say that I found the health stuff to be by far the most anxiety inducing part. My wife can be a bit of a hypochondriac (as am I) so we tend to get worried about every little creak or twinge of pain, but we really like the OB we’re working with so absolutely make sure everything is A-OK health wise and that you have a doctor you like.
Edit: I’ve also been blown away by all the gifts and support from our friends and family. A support network is also very helpful, and helped me realize we weren’t doing it alone.
The health anxieties are so real. One certainly hears many horror stories about pregnancy and child birth, and the idea of possibly losing my partner - no matter how remote - is just harrowing. As I told her: "I'd rather have you and no child then a child and no you."
Of course that's anxiety and fear brain talking. Life necessitates risk, and if I had never risked anything I wouldn't be happily married to begin with.
Congrats on the soon-to-be arrival of your child! I hope the rest of the process goes smoothly and both wife and child are healthy on the other end.
As a postscript, I'm also aware of how absurd it is to ruminate heavily on, essentially, whether or not I want to 'inflict' being born on my potential child when they'd be born into objectively better circumstances than 90% of people on Earth - and than most of the human beings who've ever existed!
Most of those folks didn't give it a second thought but here I am wondering if my kids' life would be worth living or if they'll one day resent me for having them. Ahh, the perils of an endlessly ruminating mind.
For me personally: I like kids. I get along with them very well (seriously, kids are naturally drawn to me), and really enjoyed babysitting for our former neighbors.
I also know I lack the patience and energy to deal with small children constantly. I especially have no clue what to do with babies and toddlers. And even when they're older, being around them for a few hours while babysitting can drain me. I'd go home after babysitting and think "yay, I'm free and can do whatever I want now". (Honestly, I always knew I didn't want babies and as a kid I always said I planned to adopt older kids. And now I'm comfortable without kids, and a bit too selfish to sacrifice that comfort and free time.)
Besides that, one more factor to consider is that children are a bit of a roulette. You have no idea what sort of child you'll have. The vast majority of them are great, but if a child is born with severe special needs... Well, it radically changes your life. The chances are low, but they exist so you need to take that possibility into consideration too.
I bring that up mainly because you mentioned your own mental health struggles as a reason against adoption. That's a valid concern, and you can't really guarantee children born to you won't develop disorders.
This comment probably isn't that helpful overall. But I do hope it might give you some stuff to think about.