For many years, I’ve been relying on a budgeting system I came up with that leverages the unlimited free savings accounts offered by my credit union, and the scheduled transfer functionality in their online banking. I have a separate account for every recurring bill. I also have accounts for different types of expenses like groceries, car maintenance, clothing, travel, etc. Altogether I have about 50-60 accounts.

I am salaried so I get a predictable paycheck at predictable intervals. After every paycheck arrives, a flurry of scheduled transfers distribute the money among all the accounts. These accounts are my budget — if I go to the movie theater, for example, I’m not allowed to spend more than what’s in my Activites account. I rely heavily on my online banking app and often pull up the balances to see how much I have to work with. Most of my paycheck is allocated but there’s always a little bit left over in my checking account, which is used for discretionary spending and provides a little cushion if I need it.

Most of my bills are on auto-pay. I have scheduled transfers in place to move the money back into checking when it’s due, just in time for the payment to process.

This system works for me. I like how earmarking and separating out funds for specific purposes as soon as I get paid prevents me from spending that money on other things. I have some annual subscription renewals that I don’t even feel because I set aside a couple bucks every pay period and the money’s there when I need it. I like that this system doesn’t require complex paid software or tedious reconciliation processes. It’s admittedly a chore to make adjustments to anything because the online banking system wasn’t designed for this sort of workflow. Once it’s properly configured, everything is automated and it basically runs itself. I’ve added a couple supporting tools over the years: a spreadsheet to plan the whole budget before I create all the scheduled transfers, and a CLI script that projects upcoming balances for n years so I can optimize my biweekly allocation sizes for their corresponding monthly or annual payments.

I don’t know what to call this system. It’s similar to the old envelope method except I’m using actual bank accounts and never handling cash. I’ve heard that YNAB is similar but haven’t looked into that one. I can’t be the only one managing their money this way! Does this have a name? I’d love to hear resource recommendations for this sort of budget, and please share your own systems and tools as well!

What have you been doing lately for your own fitness? Try out any new programs or exercises? Have any questions for others about your training? Want to vent about poor behavior in the gym? Started a new diet or have a new recipe you want to share? Anything else health and wellness related?

I'm looking to see if anyone can speak to how life is (good, bad, or meh) with using one of the popular OneDrive clients on a common enough Linux distribution.

Ok, so allow me to set the context...

• My partner uses Windows laptop, and with next year's end of life on Win10, I need to make decision to advise them on whether we get them another Windows laptop (presumably running Win11), or finally get them to take the plunge on using Linux - (a laptop running some common enough linux distro).
• I run linux as my personal daily driver on my laptop for more than a decade, and on server side having been using and dabbling with linux since about 2004. So, i will add also that i'm all bought in on the linux, libre/free and open source lifestyle.
• I'm not a fan of Windows, but not judging that others like my partner use it. By the way, my partner doesn't care about tech nor computing, they simply use applications and move on with their life. (Yes, i have politely nudged them over the years to try linux, but they have been hesitant to do so without a true need, so why rock the love boat, right?)
• My partner's computing needs are quite basic, but slightly tricky...Here is what i mean:
  • They use a web browser or mobile apps for the vast majority of their compouting/app needs
  • For office suite, they use desktop versions of MS Word and Excel
  • Quite importanrtly, they use OneDrive to sync their files (and there are alot important files for them and our family)

So, from a computing needs perspective, that's pretty much it. For every other function and need (e.g. email, productivity, etc.), they simply use browser or mobile apps as noted above.

You might be thinking, well, move them to linux, and if they like Microsoft, then use the Word or Excel browser app, right? Well, they LOATH having to use the browser or mobile versions of Microsoft Office. Being of a certain age, they might be ok with LibreOffice, since it mimics close enough to desktop versions of Word, Excel desktop apps...So, I think the desktop and office suite are less of a problem to find an alternative if needed...
But, OneDrive, yeah, this is the one app that they won't let go. Not because they love Microsoft (they could careless about the company), but because they have a good trust and experience of its functions to date on Windows. Onedrive has really empowered their workflow. That is, because they jump from browser to mobile app often through their day, etc....the feature of having a file easily and reliably sync (via onedrive) between devices is probably the most important need that they have.

Now, before anyone says, well try "NextCloud"...yeah, been there and done that. Nextcloud works wonderfully for me (has for years)...but it does not conform exactly to my partner's workflow. I've tried Collabera, but could never get it to work reliably enough. I want to state again, i am a strong, emphatic open source advocate...But if my partner can't get their work done without me constantly diagnosing and fixing things....then its not proper solution for them.

So, while i have a solid linux or open source option for all of their other needs, Onedrive is the challenge here. So, can anyone advise, how things are with onedrive clients on linux? Any particular client that is worth me looking into? What about a specific linux distro that, maybe possibly works best with a particular onedrive linux client? I should add that my partner is willing to pay for file synching and does NOT want to have me self-host things for this single function since they don't want to have me kill myself in supporting it. So, if there is a valid alternative to onedrive that is awesome on linux, and that they can pay a company to reliably host, that is welcome as well.

Or, should i simply advise them to stick to Windows through EOL, get them set on Win11 along with native Onedrive, and move on with our lives?

I'm thankful for anyone's recommendations and advice. Cheers!

So I bought this caldigit hub along with this USB hub.

I originally had the Aceele connect to my computer through the CalDigit Hub, but when I connected my keyboard to my Aceele, I noticed that when I hit F11, the boot menu doesn't get activated.

I connected my keyboard to the caldigit hub directly though and was able to pull up the boot menu just fine.

Then I connect my keyboard to the Aceele hub and then connected that directly to my computer and it still was not able to connect my keyboard to the computer pre-OS boot. So clearly Aceele waits till the OS is actually up before it can connect (I think?)

However, I don't know what tech specs to look for in a hub that ensure that anything I connect to it will be detected pre OS-boot. I am looking for a hub that specifically plugs into a USB-C port, has 4 USB-A ports and is USB 3.2 gen with 10 gbps. Is that possible?

I am at the end of a phase of my life in which for many years, finding contract work was as simple as contacting 5 or 6 people and letting them know I was available. This work is no longer tenable for me and I am attempting a career transition.

Edit: I wasn't sure whether to mention, but over the last 10 years I have come to suspect that I have undiagnosed ADHD. Any advice from that perspective would be greatly appreciated.

Asking people with more recent experience than me, what methods do you use to job hunt? How do you manage your time while unemployed? If you are willing, would you please share advice?

Find yourself watching tons of great videos on [insert chosen video sharing platform], but also find yourself reluctant to flood the Tildes front page with them? Then this thread is for you.

It could be one quirky video that you feel deserves some eyeballs on it, or perhaps you've got a curated list of videos that you'd love to talk us through...

Share some of the best video content you've watched this past week/fortnight with us!

We stayed in Albuquerque and Taos.

I was surprised and pleased to learn that petroglyphs national monument has free admission. The Pueblo cultural center in Albuquerque is a great resource. If you plan to visit, definitely check their website to see what is scheduled.

We visited and toured Taos Pueblo. Each Pueblo has different craft and art traditional styles. The museums and art galleries in Taos were cool.

New Mexico is beautiful and has a unique cultural identity within the US. It's a poor state but with a high percentage of scientists, artists, old Spanish American families and native Americans.

I liked it well enough to plan for a return trip.

I have a 2014 CRV, it loses oil horribly and I'm going to have to check it a couple times a week or risk my engine. The mechanic was hesitant to even help me limp it along and said basically there's no fix besides replacing the engine. He put 3 quarts in that day. I didn't have a warning it was low other than the loud start.

I'm trying to decide if it's worth continuing maintenance on this car or worth trading in now while the engine is still kicking (and switching to an electric used car probably) or nursing this along for another year or so. We have a car loan on a wheelchair van we're trying to refinance which means I'll be looking at cars that are about equivalent in value to the CRV.

Thoughts? Advice? Besides keeping oil in my car because I didn't know it was this bad. Ó⁠╭⁠╮⁠Ò

I'm a pretty introspective person. I grew up with an emotionally abusive parent, struggled with my mental health from teenagerhood, and been to more therapy than I can remember since the time of my parents' divorce when I was eight. My siblings and I have done a lot of deconstructing over the years to figure out what the heck happened to us (the abuse was pretty insidious and, of course, we normalized it) and how it affected us internally. I'm also most likely autistic and have always struggled to socialize correctly, which led to a LOT of observation and imitation that was both conscious and unconscious.

Despite all this practice at introspection though, in the past few years, I've come to realize I am wildly out of touch with my own emotions. I am tempted to blame much of this on the fact that I was always collecting social "scripts" to follow, so that I could react appropriately to jokes, or good/bad news, or whatever. If you're acting, you don't actually need to know how you feel. And if you feel something different from standard, it's irrelevant because it's "wrong" to feel that way, so you ignore it. So it took me a long time to realize that my display for other people was actually pretty disconnected from whether I was actually feeling anything. I don't feel it was dishonest, though, because I still would have wanted to show sympathy, excitement, etc. for the people I care about. It just takes me so long to process things that I wouldn't have been able to do it within the same conversation if I didn't have a ready script.

I know that some autistic people experience alexithymia/emotional blindness, but it doesn't look terribly well understood. I know I should probably get back on the therapy horse, for a number of reasons including this one, but I'm pretty leery. I never felt like it helped me much. (Although most of it, at the time, was to help me with "depression". Which I certainly had, but there was no understanding from either my end or theirs that the cause was likely rooted in ADHD/autism.) And I did try to start up again last year; I found a psychologist who specialized in ADHD and autism, and although she seemed understanding at first, I felt like I couldn't establish any clear communication and we just kept talking past each other. At this time, I super don't have the energy to keep trying new therapists, and waste weeks or months on each one before I figure out we won't click.

So I ask: have any of you folks ever dealt with emotional blindness? If so, how have you learned to identify your emotions? Do you keep a feelings journal, and how do you even know what to put in at first? Any advice is welcome!

I've been doing some research to try and find a way to turn a Wyze bulb on and off with a button on the wall, or cheap switch, but I'm struggling.

Situation: I have a Wyze bulb that I have been turning on/off with voice for a couple years. It's not something I want to be on a schedule. I just want to turn it on with a switch/button. I have switched outlet in the room, but the lamp is on the other side of the room from the outlet. The switched outlet has a neutral wire but it's being used at the end of the run of the circuit (14/3 from panel going to outlet, and the from the outlet to the switch with 14/3). So essentially I cannot use a cheap Wyze switch or other smart switches to replace the current standard switch.

I have heard of some smart switches that don't need a neutral but I have not found any. I also wanted to see if I could get a simple battery stick on button to just trigger an automation to turn the bulb on. However I have not found anything that seems to work with Wyze or the Google Home app. However I'm probably just missing something.

Any advice would be appreciated!

For the first time in a long while I was able to follow along with a basho while it happened and only finish it a day late.

What was everyone's thoughts for this basho?
Favorite storyline?
Did anyone do poorly that you thought would do well and vice versa?

Have you watched any TV shows recently you want to discuss? Any shows you want to recommend or are hyped about? Feel free to discuss anything here.

Please just try to provide fair warning of spoilers if you can.

I know it's not even Thanksgiving yet (for those in the US), but Christmas shopping season has already started.

What gifts would you enjoy receiving this year? Large, small, fun, functional, or anything in between. I also acknowledge that some people try not to request anything as part of a minimalist or reduced waste mindset. In that situation, what do you request- money, donations to specific charities on your behalf, something else?

Hey, Tildes! cqns here -
After four-ish years, I've finally sat down and realized that my "novel thing" is...non-conventional at best. As such, it required a whole rewrite of the introduction, beginning with a cold open, an autopsy report. Problem with that is (1) I'm not a medical professional in any capacity and (2) I've already looked up how to do this (Reddit's no help, obviously). Basically, I want this autopsy report to look realistic and to also increase my understanding of how to decipher one so I can get an idea of how to write it...

Did you or someone you know go to [edit public private, parent paid] school, esp if the students' parents can't easily afford it? Did their parents actually move to be closer to a prestigious school? Is it worth it for folks who aren't old boys/old girls and in general are neither new nor old money? Does it ever make sense to use the college fund to pay for secondary education?

My mom was interested in a smart doorbell to let her know what’s going on at the house when she’s not there, if a package gets dropped off or if someone tries to in. She does have a number of Google Pucks and an Android phone with some smart plugs set up with Google Home, but also has Roku TVs if that ecosystem is a major value add. I’m not super interested in yet another subscription service, but if it’s a “monthly fee to make the problem go away,” I can be convinced. Are there any must have recommendations or considerations I should keep in mind?

Edit: As far as I can tell, there’s no wire leads on or around the doorframe. The old setup had a chime wired to the wall of the foyer, but that was uninstalled and the wall was repaired, so I don’t think there’s a lead if that changes recommendations.

I'm not a very heavy tablet user, but generally like to have a tablet around for stuff I won't do on my phone. I bought a Pixel Tablet last year when I did my big tech upgrade (new phone, new smart watch, new upgraded tablet), but found the experience a bit lacking with the more important stuff I use my tablet for, largely taking notes with OneNote, and very light mobile gaming (which I usually use my phone for, since it's right there).

I'm curious if anybody's got any advice for a non-dedicated Apple user with an iPad. I'm already thinking about synergy with my multi-platform apps like Microsoft 365, Google Drive (free tier) and Mega (which I use as a backup repo for large data that isn't documents like games, music samples, etc).

I'm thinking some music apps would be great to take advantage of the generally lower-latency audio capabilities of the iPad, but aside from that can't think of too much. Otherwise, due to the 64GB, it's going to be my cloud-oriented low-storage tablet.

I saved $70 on a black friday deal on Amazon, so I bought a pen to go with it, which isn't the Apple Pencil and would be curious to know if I'm missing out on a ton doing that as well?

Side question: I would be curious what the third-party app world is like as well, ideally something like iOS F-Droid.

Have a friend who has raved about using these for cooking meet during the work day and pan searing it for a quick easy and delicious meal. Plan on doing that with steaks/chicken, but wanted to see if anyone else on Tildes owns one and has any tips or favorite use cases to share.

And that's a wrap on the WDC! Congrats to Max on his 4th Drivers Championship in a row!

So I need to rewatch the race. The race was at 1am my time, which isn't super late for me...but I fell asleep between laps 16-45. Oops.

Anyway, we are back in another triple-header -- anyone else think the schedule sucks this year? Only two more races left. Next weekend in Qatar, and then the season finale the following weekend in Abu Dhabi. The WCC is still in play, so hopefully we'll get an exciting end of the season.

Next race:

Qatar Grand Prix
Lusail International Circuit
Sunday, December 1

What have you been watching and reading this week? You don't need to give us a whole essay if you don't want to, but please write something! Feel free to talk about something you saw that was cool, something that was bad, ask for recommendations, or anything else you can think of.

If you want to, feel free to find the thing you're talking about and link to its pages on Anilist, MAL, or any other database you use!

Alright, time to ask for help. I designed a website for my cousin using Wordpress, hosted via BlueHost. It's 99% done.

The problem: she'd originally registered her domain through wordpress.com. She also has an email through that, which she accesses via Google Workplace. We've transferred the domain, but the nameservers are still registered to wordpress.com. I've found the guides for transferring nameservers on BlueHost and wordpress.com, but this is a step above what I've dealt with in the past.

My main concern and frustration are the email. She's already using it for work, and I want to make sure there's no downtime, but I... honestly have no idea how it's even set up, right now. Or how this would work when transferring hosts entirely. Attempts to search it haven't been too helpful for me.

So my questions: How will changing nameservers impact the email? Would updating them potentially just... break her email entirely? Need her to set up the email separately? And if she does, can it be kept through Google Workplace/Gmail since that's what she's already using? Is it fine to leave it as-is? I assume not but her wordpress.com account shows that it expires in 2027, so...?

Just, please help.

Like the title says, I played Taboo with my friends yesterday. It's decently fun, but every time I play it, the thing that sticks with me is how shocked I am that some players don't know what certain things are or how bad they are at thinking on their feet. On the plus side, it's also a chance for people who you'd unfairly judged to make a good impression.

What are some other games that have consequences like these that you haven't heard people discuss before?

I’m looking for a book recommendation. I loved the name of the wind by Patrick Rothfuss, but I have accepted he is unlikely to ever write the third book. My favourite part of the story is the university bits. I also enjoyed Harry Potter and the Arcane Ascension series for similar reasons.
Does anyone have any suggestions for something similar? Thanks!

The user @trim posted an interesting question in ~Tech and it made me wonder: what are my forgivable sins? What kinds of misdeeds on the part of companies that are suppliers of goods or services do I tacitly concience or to which I will turn a blind eye?

Whenever there is a scandal, the easy answer is, "I don't know, but definitely not that." This, however, is just an ad hoc definition that can be applied to any unsavory revelation on the part of a service or product provider. What would I be left with? I couldn't retreat from society if I wanted to and the cost of commercial puritanism would be prohibitively high.

What I realized in that topic was that (1) I will not sanction providers merely for doing business with others to whom I am opposed and (2) I will not sanction providers merely for issuing words or statements that I disagree with.

That said, I'm curious about others. What are your criteria for bad behavior in a service or product provider that you would judge to be nonetheless admissible?

This topic is part of a series. It is meant to be a place for users to discuss creative projects they have been working on.

Projects can be personal, professional, physical, digital, or even just ideas.

If you have any creative projects that you have been working on or want to eventually work on, this is a place for discussing those.

Something interesting about the latest escalations in the Israel-Palestine war since oct of last year is that Hamas was the one who launched the terrorist attack which lead to the current escalation.

Israel suffered a loss and was the victim on that day and the following days, but since their actions in Gaza and Rafah and other neighboring countries, the coverage of Israel very much shows the govt of Israel as the aggressor. It's felt like a complete role reversal to me.

Makes me wonder if this is the first time this has happened in such a short time? You can say that U.S. did the same thing after 9/11 but imo it's actions in the Middle east did not gain it a negative perception amongst world leaders nearly as fast.

This is a recurring post to discuss programming or other technical projects that we've been working on. Tell us about one of your recent projects, either at work or personal projects. What's interesting about it? Are you having trouble with anything?

The recent history of social media has made me interested in the factors that make online communities successful/healthy, or toxic etc.. This is one of the appeals of Tildes for me. I'm also emotionally invested in seeing a healthy future for the Irish language, which has seen some interesting developments in the internet age but remains in a precarious position as a community language in the country. You can see how these two interests dovetail together. At the moment this is a thought experiment, but later, who knows...

Tips I've got so far:

I've heard that some barriers to entry can increase group loyalty by making members feels slightly "invested" by earning a place in the community

I've also noted that some of the most persistant subcultures operate online but also have a strong in-person element (eg: furries)

There's also the common observation that good moderation is crucial to user experience and therefore group cohesion

Then I got some pointers from the Tildes docs:

• Trust by default, punish abusers
• Focus on user experience, not growth metrics
• Favour deep engagement over shallow/clickbait
• Empower members to make choices
• The golden rule (apply charitable interpretations, don't tolerate bad actors)

So, people of Tildes: what factors do you see as crucial to building and maintaining a strong cohesive online community?

What have you been listening to this week? You don't need to do a 6000 word review if you don't want to, but please write something! If you've just picked up some music, please update on that as well, we'd love to see your hauls :)

Feel free to give recs or discuss anything about each others' listening habits.

You can make a chart if you use last.fm:

http://www.tapmusic.net/lastfm/

Remember that linking directly to your image will update with your future listening, make sure to reupload to somewhere like imgur if you'd like it to remain what you have at the time of posting.

I have a long standing problem that probably has several good solutions, I just haven't been able to figure them out. So here I am, asking you.

I'm selfhosting some services, a mix of selfbuilt and open source software. But some things I don't want to selfhost. Notably backups and alerts/notifications. For backups I have a solution which works well in every regard except one - I don't always get alerted when things fail, because the way I send myself those alerts is failing more than the actual backups.

Currently I'm using python and gmails smtp interface to send myself email, but gmail disables my smtp access from time to time, and it's really easy not to notice not getting an email. I've tried sending the email regardless of whether the backup failed or not, but I've noticed several times that I still don't notice if the they stop coming.

Now on to my requirements/wishlist.

1. I'm already using s3 glacier at aws for the backups, so preferrably something in the aws space.
2. I would like to get an popup/toast on my phone when a message is being sent. And the ability to review messages later.
3. I would like as few moving parts as possible.
4. I don't want to write my own client.
5. I want it to be cheap, and if there's a cost I prefer to pay it at a place where I'm already paying, meaning aws (or possibly proton).
6. I want a stable service.
7. I prefer to manage as little as possible of the infrastructure.
8. I'd like a simple programmable interface that can't easily fail. E.g. http based.
9. It's no problem if messages are not received instantly, I could easily tolerate delays up to 24 hours.

As you may have noticed I'm pretty much expecting there to be something in aws that I can use, but aws documentation is so abstract, that I often don't understand what the point of something is or how I'm supposed to use it.

This thread is an opportunity to vote between a couple of options I see for our spring schedule based on the votes received in the two voting threads.

Please vote for one of them by upvoting. If anyone wants to propose an alternative reasonable set of books based on the numbers in the voting thread, for the consideration of the group, please feel free.

Our next discussion will be the City We Became and we will be discussing in early December.

My nephew and I like to play games together, and we're always looking for games that we can play together. I was manually looking through my Steam library today and wondering how to go about finding stuff that we may already own that we could play together. Is there a tool for that? Or maybe something that could suggest a game for purchase that we would both enjoy based on our history?

Also feel free to drop any general game library organization tips here. I found this tildes thread from a couple of years ago and I've already seen some cool ideas and tools.

I am in the process of starting up my own food blog. I have no hopes or aspirations of being huge or making money, it will solely be a labor of love and an outlet for my love of food to share with the world.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a specific niche that will be targeting and was looking to crowd source opinions on what people would feel they would like in a food blog. I’m hoping to avoid suggestions like “less convoluted stories about your grandmothers tablecloth for 3 pages before the recipe” since I think we can all agree on that front.

Some of you may be thinking the world needs another blog like you need another asshole, and that may be true. However, part of my impetus was that many of the recipe blogs I find online have the same generic 30-40 recipes with minimal variation. Others of higher quality are moving behind paywalls. My goal is to try to include slightly more obscure recipes from all over the world, tried/tested/optimized for simplicity in cooking and flavor, or more unique variations on more common recipes. I also aspire to do some articles a bit more experimental / scientific in nature in the vein of some of J Kenji Lopez Alts articles a la serious eats but that is a larger aspiration for down the road.

I welcome any suggestions or sharing of your current favorite food blogs. I know the current social media trend is YouTube, TikTok, and the like. However as I find myself here with you all, you may understand my preference for sticking with the written word (and occasional photos). Cheers!

As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

Not sure if this is the best place to post this, but I wondered about this recently. I took three seemingly-solo Youtubers as examples at different scales.

Penguinz0 has 16 mil subscribers, and as far as I know his uploads are just him talking into the camera, giving his opinion about recent things in games and pop culture (I could be very wrong about that, I don't know why he's popular). Looks like he uploads at least a few times a week, so that could be manageable.

Videogamedunkey has 7.5 mil subscribers, and he used to do weekly uploads until very recently, I think. Given that his humor and editing style is a big part of his content, I'd be surprised if he's got anyone else working on his vids.

Northernlion has just over 1 mil subscribers and uploads multiple videos daily, and (in)famously refuses to do any editing. He just basically streams on Twitch all day and uploads clips from that.

I would imagine the day-to-day running of the business, i.e. answering emails and phone calls, would be where having help is most advantageous as you grow, but it also probably depends a lot on what kind of content you make. How big can you get before it's too much for a solo operation?

I am not a native English speaker.

Because that word became prominent in recent years, with a meaning that is heavily disputed, dictionaries and encyclopedias are useless in determining how it should be interpreted.

Tildes has a good assortment of intelligent native English speakers. In that light, when applied to people and in the context of social discourse, what do words such as "cancelled" and "cancelation" mean to you? In your view, are there situations in which these are employed either correctly or incorrectly? Or are they multiple and fluid in such a way that they can be applied to a vast array of situations dissimilar from each other?

This discussion is about semantics and subjective interpretation. It's about how words are employed to convey meaning. If you find semantics or subjectivity irrelevant, boring, stupid, unnerving, or otherwise unworthy of discussion, please do not comment.

What have you been doing lately for your own fitness? Try out any new programs or exercises? Have any questions for others about your training? Want to vent about poor behavior in the gym? Started a new diet or have a new recipe you want to share? Anything else health and wellness related?

I live in the southeast, and I'm finally in a situation where nothing is really keeping me here, so in the next month or so I'm intending to begin selling everything I can't fit in my car, and move out west.

Unfortunately, I don't have a job lined up or anything like that, which obviously makes things more difficult. I figure something like offering to put a year of rent into an escrow account can probably cover that?

On top of that though, how are you supposed to get a feel for everything? Like, there are virtual tours and things like that, but it's not exactly the same.

I guess I'm just looking for general advice and tips at this stage. I feel like I don't even really know what I should be asking, but I'm definitely intent on ending up on the west coast.

Have you watched any TV shows recently you want to discuss? Any shows you want to recommend or are hyped about? Feel free to discuss anything here.

Please just try to provide fair warning of spoilers if you can.

I don't know what I intend for this post to be - I guess I just need to get my thoughts out somewhere. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it - but I'm not expecting anyone to read all the way through this or anything really. If this isn't appropriate for Tildes, feel free to remove it.

I recently graduated college and moved to San Jose, CA for work. And let me tell you, I am not liking it here at all so far. Work itself is great - it's interesting stuff, I like what I'm doing, and I feel like there's really nowhere else I could be doing it. But dear lord, has my social life evaporated. This does not feel like somewhere that someone in their young 20s should be living. I live in downtown, and it's mostly apartments, tech companies, and a spattering of bars and restaurants frequented by tech bros in their 30s. Which is fine, but not at all the social scene I am looking for.

I work with a handful of people my age, and while we do things outside of work every so often, they're really not the same kind of folks I got used to hanging out with in college. They're all super career/status-oriented people, which is not me at all. I've definitely selected for meeting these kinds of folks by working at a tech company, but that's really not the kind of people I usually vibe with. In college, I made a lot of really close friends who were mostly "weirdos", without any better way to put it - lots of queer leftist folks, people into strange art and music, people I could really be myself around. Maybe I have high standards for what I look for in friends, but I really do not see myself becoming close with any of the people my age that I've met around here so far. I have nothing against these folks - we just share different ideals. But I feel like I am constantly censoring myself and am unable to really just be me here.

Of course, to find the kinds of people that I want to hang out with, I probably chose the wrong career path and wrong place to live. I was wary of moving to San Jose since the sentiment I'm sharing here is widely echoed online. And it feels bad proving my fears correct. I looked into moving to San Francisco, Berkeley, or Oakland, but decided against it because I was afraid the commute would burn me out. But now, I am regretting that decision hardcore. I have never felt lonelier in my entire life. I would much rather spend three hours commuting every day than spend my weekends alone.

I started adulthood during the pandemic, and I moved out of state to go to college. For the first two years of school, I had a really hard time meeting people and making friends since my university was really strict on COVID restrictions, and we didn't have in person classes until halfway through my second year. That part of my life was really lonely, too - so this isn't new to me. But somehow, being surrounded by people who are nothing like me feels way lonelier than being around nobody at all. And what hurts even more is seeing all of my friends back in college / high school thriving, and feeling like I'm drowning. I feel like I sold my friends and happiness for a job and money, and it feels terrible. Nobody I knew from college or high school lives here - I had zero connections moving up here.

And this isn't for a lack of effort - I've been trying to figure out where to meet people. I've looked at meetup, and all the events around here seem to be networking, business, and tech related. I've gone on Bumble BFF, and everyone on there just wants to "network" or aren't my vibe. I've been going to bars, coffee shops, etc by myself to try and meet people, but haven't been successful. I've signed up to volunteer at a local animal shelter, which I figure might be a good way to meet people, but they don't have any open shifts yet. I've looked for live music events near me, but there isn't really a lot in the scenes I'm into. I don't know what else to do.

Everything in this place seems to revolve around careers, money, status, networking, and tech. It feels terrible, it's like a physical microcosm of LinkedIn. I know I'm going to be moving to San Francisco as soon as my lease is up in August. I feel like I'll have a way better chance of meeting people who are like me and are my age up there. But in the meantime, I need to make the most of where I am. I'm sure there's people like me somewhere around here, but the issue is meeting them. Where do I find them? How the hell do adults make friends, and close ones at that? I am surrounded by a lot of lonely adults - lots of folks at work who never married, don't do anything fun, and live for work. Do I need to get out of here before this place eats me alive? I don't want to end up like that.

I know this will pass, or at least I hope it does. I know my life isn't over. I just feel like I'm squandering my precious 20s, if there is such a thing. At least I have a roof over my head and a dream job. I guess the grass is always greener, but I feel like I'd rather be struggling to pay rent and be surrounded by close friends than have a full wallet and an empty living room like I do now. The pandemic was a really terrible period of my life, and I won't go into detail about everything going on in my brain, but I feel like I'm standing on the precipice of that kind of depression again.

Anyway, this post isn't really coherent or organized. It's more of a rant than anything. I just needed to get my thoughts on to paper (screen?), and posting here seemed better than screaming into the void. If you read this, thank you :)

EDIT: Wow, I didn't expect so many replies, recommendations, and support on this post. I fully expected to get no replies. Thank you everyone, really. I suppose part of my situation is I need to stop being so negative - while I am genuinely unhappy here, this isn't forever and I can't do anything besides keep trying. If nothing else, I can always move in August (or before then, if I can figure out a way to break my lease without emptying my bank account). Until I move or find connections, I'll get good at enjoying my own company. And I'm also eternally grateful to have made amazing friends in college and High School that I can still talk to, even if they're hundreds of miles away.

I've been thinking about this over the past few weeks after chatting with some of my friends about this.

For some framing:
I grew up with my parents not encouraging me to learn to cook and my Mom actively refusing to have myself or my brother in the kitchen because we always "made a mess". Before I moved out to university I'd only ever cooked a couple of meals beyond warming things up or instant ramen + grilling meat. I also learned how to carve a turkey/bird because that would be expected of me at a family gathering later on. At university we had the mandatory freshman meal plan my first year and I lived in my fraternity for three years where we had a cook at our house when school was in session.

It wasn't until I moved in with my girlfriend, now wife, where I started cooking. Learning from either recipes, or watching my wife cook things and asking her how she prepared a dish so I could try to make it. Nowadays I like cooking breakfast foods especially on the weekend when I don't have to get my oldest off to school and have more time since my wife doesn't like to wake up early.

When chatting with my guy friends who are around my age (late 20s/early 30s) I've found a lot of them don't cook much or say they don't know how. Many of them eat out regularly/order delivery or buy instant meals.

Knowing my parents, if I had had a sister growing up she would have been encouraged to learn to cook unlike my brother and I. My wife and her siblings all learned through helping my mother in law prepare food in the kitchen.

This got me curious for a wider perspective on this from other men:

Do you "know" how to cook or are you comfortable cooking for yourself, for others?
Were you encouraged to learn how to cook growing up or did you learn as an adult?
Do you have any favorite or signature dishes you prepare?

Ok, so my partner has gotten the recommendation from one of his spinal cord injury groups that a Meta Quest 2 would potentially be really good for him as way to feel less "closed in" this winter and that many of the games can be played stationary (he has essentially no control of his legs and uses a power wheelchair).

I don't know anything about any VR games, so I'd love thoughts on the system, what to look for if we buy secondhand, if a different system would be better (money is a barrier, so I don't want to spend it all on a new system and not be able to afford games), and what games would meet his needs?

Thanks y'all

Have you watched any movies recently you want to discuss? Any films you want to recommend or are hyped about? Feel free to discuss anything here.

Please just try to provide fair warning of spoilers if you can.