Title doesn't refer to a literal "itch" (though it certainly can!).

Instead, it's something that's bothered you for a while, or that you've been passively curious about, or that you've been meaning to get to, etc.

What was the itch, and how did you scratch it? How do you feel about it now?

Hi tilderinos! We all love a good relationship drama thread, so I wanted to add my own. I'm posting from my main account because all this dirty laundry is already open and out between both my partner and all my friends and family. Thank you for any advice or support you can offer <3

The current problem

My partner and I are going through a very difficult point in our relationship, and I would really appreciate some outside perspectives.

The short version is: my partner of nearly four years recently told me that our relationship has always felt suffocating to her. She said she has tried to look for positives from the last few years and cannot find any. At the same time, she cried heavily while saying this, has booked herself into therapy, and says she does want a partner eventually. She just does not know whether that partner is me, or whether she can be in this relationship as it currently exists.

I love her deeply, but I also feel ignored, pushed away, and emotionally starved. I am trying to decide whether I should stay and give her space, leave, or take a formal break by moving out for a few months.

Background / how we got here

For context, I have had three serious long-term relationships before this one, and I think I have become much more emotionally mature through them, though I’m sure I still have plenty to learn. This is my partner’s first serious relationship. She has not dated much before, and in my opinion, she has also not had many deep, emotionally close friendships. She is also strongly suspected to be somewhere on the autistic spectrum, though she has never been officially diagnosed.

We met online and were extremely into each other. When we met in person, the chemistry was great, and afterwards we missed each other constantly. After almost a year, I started asking how we could make the relationship work long-term. She said it felt like a big jump, but we talked about it a lot and she eventually seemed fine with the idea.

Not long after, I moved in with her, which also meant moving country. To her credit, she was extremely helpful and considerate during that process.

Just before I moved in, she broke her leg badly and spent over a week in hospital. I helped as much as I could, but it was a very stressful start. I was moving country, taking on more chores, and trying to care for her at the same time. I did it because I love her, and I knew she would physically recover eventually.

What we did not expect was how much the recovery would affect her mentally. She became quite depressed, which is understandable, and it really took the wind out of the first year and a half of us living together. She had very little energy for me or the relationship, and intimacy was limited. I was not getting my needs met either, but we talked a lot and I felt like I understood what she was going through.

Around a year ago, things started to improve. Her mood was better more often, she seemed more present, and when we were intimate, she seemed to put in more effort. I was still the one initiating anything physical, which bothered me, but I hoped that would improve over time. Dates, time together, and our general friendship also seemed to be getting better. I felt like she was slowly trusting me more and letting me in.

Our living situation probably has not helped. I work from home all day, every day, in a room next to the living room. It is a very public space, and I think neither of us has really felt alone. Sometimes I would also play video games after work in that same area, which meant I was still in her space.

Her emotional difficulties

One of the hardest parts is that my partner has extreme difficulty understanding her own emotions. She talks openly about this. She often says she bottles everything up and does not really understand what she feels or why. She has also said she used to feel a lot more when she was younger, but at some point her difficult relationship with her parents caused her to start repressing things.

She often cannot answer direct questions about what she wants. Most of the time, her answer is “I don’t know.”

Sometimes, if we sit down and talk through it slowly, I can help her get to a clearer answer. But it takes a long time, and it is obviously hard work for her. I am also worried that this dynamic can become almost like therapy, where I am trying to guide her into understanding herself. I do not think that is healthy for either of us.

Another thing that scares me is that she seems unable to hold onto positive emotional experiences. We have had romantic dates and close moments where I know she felt something. I could see love, warmth, energy, and joy in her. But if I ask her about those moments a day, week, or month later, it is like the feeling is gone. She will just say, “It was fine.”

That makes the situation very confusing. When she lets her guard down, the relationship can feel genuinely loving and connected. That is part of why I am struggling to walk away. But she often makes an effort to avoid these moments.

I also have a strong suspicion that I might be the first supportive relationship with anyone she's had in her life before. Her family and her close friends (the same friends all the way from high school) do not offer any kind of emotional support or affection. They are the kind of people who don't say "well done!" but "...You could have done this better." There's been lots of instances during the relationship where she's reacted with confusion or surprise at what I would consider basic levels of kindness and support. 

The recent breaking point

This past winter, her mood dropped again. She became increasingly cold and shut me out. We went a long time with no physical contact, not even cuddling. She did not seem interested in anything I had to say, whether it was important or not, and she had very little to share with me either.

After a few weeks, I sat her down and asked what was going on.

That is when she told me the relationship was too much for her, and that it always had been. She said it felt suffocating and that she did not know how to “come up for air.” She said she had tried to find positive things in the relationship but could not find any, not even one, from the last three years.

At the same time, she was looking me in the eyes and crying extremely hard. We talked for hours, and I think she got a lot of catharsis from finally saying it.

After that conversation, she immediately booked herself into therapy because she said she needed someone to help her understand herself. I think that is a good step. But it also feels very much like an “I need help now” decision, rather than her having any clear long-term idea of what she wants.

She has admitted, through tears, that she thinks she would be lonely and unhappy alone. She does want a partner. She just does not know if that partner is me, or if she can be with me in the version of the relationship we have had so far. Honestly, I agree that the relationship as it has been is not sustainable.

What has changed since

Since that conversation, we have drifted apart. I am sad about it and I miss my girlfriend, but right now it feels like we are two separate people living in the same building.

The first practical thing I did was move my office outside the house, because I thought that would give us both more breathing room. I think that was a good step, but it has not fixed the deeper issue.

She has also become completely glued to her phone in a way I have never seen before. She still uses her usual apps, but she also downloaded a random stranger-chat app, similar to Omegle, where she talks to people about their lives. She seems fascinated by it, almost like it is a real-life sitcom.

I was obviously concerned by that. I challenged her on whether it was appropriate to be using an app like that while our relationship was in such a bad place, especially when those apps can easily become sexual. She said she deletes anyone who gets sexual and that she just wants to talk to people, but does not know how to do that any other way.

She offered me her phone, and from what I saw, the conversations were shallow and non-sexual. I do not think she is cheating on me. What it looks like to me is that she is seeking low-pressure connection with strangers while avoiding the pressure and emotional weight of our actual relationship.

She does not seem able to tell me what she wants from me or the relationship. When I ask whether she wants to stay together, move apart, take a break, reduce contact, stop physical affection completely, or work on things, the answer is usually “I don’t know.”

For my part, I want to support her, but she is not really accepting support from me. In fact, I think my care may sometimes make her feel more pressured, upset, or resentful. I have stopped being romantic and I am not initiating physical touch. I am trying to give her as much space as possible. But even small thoughtful gestures, like making her a cup of tea, can be met with coldness or irritation. I understand why she might feel overwhelmed, but it still hurts.

What I am considering

The practical side is not a major barrier. I have a good financial buffer, my job is secure and remote, and I could rent an apartment or potentially move in with someone we know. I have options, and moving out would be reasonably low-risk for me.

So I think my options are:

1. Stay, give her space, and support her when she asks for it.

   This might give therapy a chance to help. But it could also leave me waiting indefinitely for someone who may never be ready, or who may eventually decide I am not her person.

2. Leave.

   This would hurt both of us, and she would lose a major source of support. But it might also be the cleanest option if she genuinely cannot be in the relationship and I am only prolonging the pain.

3. Take a formal break by moving out for a few months.

   This feels like a possible middle ground. It would give her space to understand herself without the daily pressure of living with me, and it would give me some emotional distance too. The idea would be to check in after a set period and keep only light contact in the meantime.

What I need advice on

What would you do in my position?

More specifically:

• How much space is reasonable to give someone who says the relationship feels suffocating but cannot say whether they want to leave?
• At what point does being patient and supportive become abandoning my own needs?
• Is it appropriate to push her, even gently, when I feel like I know how to help?
• Is there a better option I am not seeing?

I love her, and when things are good between us, the connection feels rare and real. But those moments are not happening enough, and I am struggling with how cold and uncertain things have become.

I’ve been exploring coffee and came across this interesting news about “co-fermented coffee”

https://www.home-barista.com/knockbox/discussion-undocumented-infusion-in-green-roasted-coffee-t102005-230.html#p1079794

So in a nutshell, the claim is that you can take green coffee beans and ferment them with some other food item such as spices or fruit, and this process will in turn affect the flavour of the coffee after you roast it and brew it.

Full disclosure, I’ve never heard of co-fermented coffee before. To the best of my knowledge I have never had it before.

The controversy appears to be that perhaps on some or even all cases, the co-fermentation is being augmented or even faked by the addition of glycol and artificial flavours. The suspicion is that typical flavours that are being claimed shouldn’t be stable at the temperatures used in roasting coffee. They also shouldn’t be identifiably the same flavours as the fruit that go in, yet you have lychee co-ferments that apparently taste like lychee, mango co-ferments that taste like mango, and so on.

I’m curious how this all came about. I assume initially co-fermentation was a purely natural process. It sounds like a super obvious thing to attempt. Now we apparently see widespread evidence of chemical additives. Maybe it is in response to instability of the process? Did it ever work as claimed, and did these tests possibly only target the most egregious flavour profiles which therefore found the artificial flavours while not testing the milder and natural variants? I’m sure there are many questions since this seems like an early stage of examination.

So my question is, tilderinos, what’s your take? Is this just gatekeeping, is this fraud on the consumer, do we need certification ala sparkling wine vs champagne for processes, is this possibly just a good and useful evolution of coffee processing?

I originally watched the Bourne Trilogy as a young teenager. I found them to be great action movies, and quite enjoyed them. At the time I knew they were regarded as great action movies, but did not understand the influence they had. Recently, I have heard about how influential they were on the genre, so I decided to re-watch them in my late 20s, with a lot more media awareness. A lot of the commentary I had seen going into this is how the movies popularized the shaky cam and fast cutting on action scenes. Going into this re-watch, I did not remember much, with only remembering just a few standalone scenes, but not much about the plotline (except Bourne has amnesia).

If you have not seen the movies in the past 5 years, I highly recommend you bookmark this post and stop reading then go back and watch them before continuing reading

So going into this movie, my expectations were more along the lines of a dumb action movie, with well done fast-paced editing for action scenes. I was thinking along the lines of mid-2000s equivalent to the John Wick franchise. I was wrong on this. The plot is a lot tighter than the action movies I was expecting, and the action a lot lighter. The entire trilogy has lighter action than compared to more modern action movies. There is a grand total of two explosions for the entire trilogy (one in Identity, where Bourne explodes a propane tank as a diversion, and the second in Ultimatum where another agent blows up a car). Instead, the movie focuses on hand-to-hand combat for the action (which will be discussed later), but also strongly prioritizes Bourne trying to sneak out of a situation rather than fight out of it. Trying to sneak out of an area definitely changes the tone of the movie, and for the better in my opinion.

For the action sequences, I found the fast cutting and shaky cam actually really good. I have been annoyed at other movies that have copied this style, because when done wrong it just turns the scenes into an unreadable mess. I think there are a few things done in Bourne that makes this editing style actually readable. The first is that the scope of these fight scenes are quite small. Normally they are 1v1 fights, not the fighting through a hallway of opponents that can be common in other movies. When the viewer has to keep track of only two people in a fight, the fast cuts are not as jarring. The second trick they use is providing establishing shots of the environment, keeping the environment small, and doing familiar environments (normally apartments). The viewer can very easily keep track of the different rooms they fight through, which grounds it. The third is that the fight scenes are relatively short. Also, all the fights have very clear goals (normally defeat this single person that is preventing escape). Too many movies looked at the well done Bourne action and copied it, without understanding what made the scenes work.

The other part of the movie that uses fast cuts is in the car chases. Bourne car chases are fantastic, although I would argue that there needs to be suspension of disbelief, as the damage to the vehicles are a bit extreme while staying operational. The fast cuts work well as the goal is clear "escape the city center." The viewer is not expected to be able to keep track of where in the city they are, just that they are being followed and Bourne needs to escape. Also, the movie does not use high performance cars, but instead does regular cars in tight European streets, which is a fun change compared to other movies.

The editing in general for the movie is quite engaging. I would describe it as a fragmented editing style, which works really well for the plot. The fragmented style disorients the viewer a bit, which matches well with Bourne suffering from amnesia. Cutting between various things puts the viewer into the mode of trying to piece everything together alongside Bourne (although the viewer has a bit more info, since they are aware of others actions). Then there is the two ending scenes in Supremacy (Bourne in Russia, then Bourne in the US on the phone with Landy) being reused in Ultimatum with it starting with Bourne escaping Russia and then the phone call taking place about 2/3 of the way through Ultimatum. Since I watched the two movies within about a week of each other, I found that having the movie partially exist between the two ending scenes of the previous movie really fun.

What have you been watching and reading this week? You don't need to give us a whole essay if you don't want to, but please write something! Feel free to talk about something you saw that was cool, something that was bad, ask for recommendations, or anything else you can think of.

If you want to, feel free to find the thing you're talking about and link to its pages on Anilist, MAL, or any other database you use!

Tildes is a very serious site, where we discuss very serious matters like steam machine, ipo and fathers. Tags culled from the highest voted topics from the last seven days, if anyone was alert.

But one of my favourite tags happens to be offbeat! Taking its original inspiration from Sir Nils Olav III, this thread is looking for any far-fetched offbeat stories lurking in the newspapers. It may not deserve its own post, but it deserves a wider audience!

I haven't been closely following the releases of new models and the research papers that sometimes go along with them. So I was wondering: is power consumption ever seriously talked about by OpenAI, Google, Anthropic, and others? Do we get some specific numbers of how much power their models actually consume to produce 100 tokens? The cost of training some of these models? Or we're not yet at that stage yet and nobody cares and at best we can just get really rough estimates based on "trust me bro" tweets by their respective CEO's?

Some time ago, I came across this post. GPT-OSS (2OB, 120B) are meager, yet energy efficient models and I was surprised that the power consumption is still larger than what I had estimated before.

For 120B to generate a 1000 tokens (which is really not a lot) it would take up around 83 Wh of electricity. For context my PC consumes ~100Wh when idling. So it's almost equivalent as leaving my PC on for an hour. Considering that proprietary models are TRILLIONS of parameters and probably not as energy efficient the true power consumption of these models is concerning. Of course, these big data centers do a lot of things to maximize the efficiency that this "test" fails to do. But even if you half the energy consumption it's still significant given their size and their pervasiveness in handling everyday, trivial tasks.

I haven't come across similar posts or studies for newer open source models, so if somebody has, please share.

Also, I don't seem to fully understand how does context size fit into all of this. The larger the context size the more power it would take to produce those 100 tokens?

Greetings everyone. I'm currently in the process of getting a Computer Science degree for two primary reasons. 1.) Because I want to get a stable development job where I'm currently employed, but most importantly to me 2) Because I want to make video games and have the educational credentials to confidently do so.

I know I know, you don't need a computer science degree to create video games, and my program doesn't even teach game development. So I have a long journey ahead learning game dev alongside my program in my own time. Also I have no intentions of working at an actual game company.

So my question today is,

What is a game that you are dying to play, that nobody has made yet?

I'm trying to get some inspiration. It's hard to think about something that truly doesn't exist, because there's so many amazing games already. I'm genuinely curious.

If you're struggling like I am, feel free to list a game that's been made exactly once but no ones been able to reproduce it's genius.

I'll start,

I am DYING to play a factory builder game, but with ARPG gameplay. So Factorio / Dyson Sphere Program meets Diablo 4 & Path Of Exile. I just think this would create such a dopamine addicting game that would be impossible to pull away from if done right. My idea would be to have the factory be the loot crafting mechanic for progressively better armos, while the ARPG is what you use to get the materials needed to craft truly insane gear. Idk, if done right I think this could have legs.

What have you been listening to this week? You don't need to do a 6000 word review if you don't want to, but please write something! If you've just picked up some music, please update on that as well, we'd love to see your hauls :)

Feel free to give recs or discuss anything about each others' listening habits.

You can make a chart if you use last.fm:

http://www.tapmusic.net/lastfm/

Remember that linking directly to your image will update with your future listening, make sure to reupload to somewhere like imgur if you'd like it to remain what you have at the time of posting.

A little over a year ago I was gifted a Geeetech A30T. I did a couple of prints with it, but haven't had a ton of use for it. My last print was about 5 months ago. I have another print I'm trying to do today, but the printer doesn't extrude. It goes through the motions, but that's it. If I set the nozzle to "Clean" mode, then some extrusion comes out. The load/unload motor for the filament spool works. I've tried unloading/reloading the filament spool. I did a manual level on the bed. Any suggestions on where I may be going wrong?

Spouse and I are trying to get bids from local solar installers and we'd appreciate some crowdsourced knowledge from Tilderinos. Questions first, then some context...

• In the current market, is "no, your equipment can't talk to the Internet" actually an unreasonable demand?
• Is there a term or phrase we should be using to look for, or guide installers towards, solar setups that fully function without Internet access?
• Are there any equipment types -- microinverters, for example -- that definitely will not work due to architecture?
• Are there battery controllers, or central inverters, that are known to play nicely (read: can be expanded later) with batteries from other manufacturers?

For each installer, we start the conversation with "it's essential that the system work entirely offline, without Internet." We're flexible on nearly everything else: system size (probably ~15kW), number of panels, battery, etc. Our first concern is making sure that a 25-year investment is not dependent on some company's cloud servers; secondly, that we're not inverting our dependency graph by making our electric power reliant on the whims of our ISP. There's also the privacy angle. But we're not looking for a totally off-the-grid setup, just trying not to lock ourselves into a bad purchase.

So far, one third of the installers (3/9) have immediately told us we're unreasonable and to just go away. Two others said "sure!" and ghosted us afterwards. One was a little more forthcoming, saying that the equipment requires periodic connections to the manufacturer for monitoring and they couldn't provide a warranty without it. The last two provided bids, but it's difficult to tell if they're telling the truth given the conflicting info we've seen.

Hi everyone, I have a quick couple o'questions since a friend of mine recommended HEY email and I'm not opposed to trying new things, even if I can think of better people to support than DHH.

Specifically, I'm thinking of moving my personal email, which is currently three addresses on the same domain, to HEY. So my questions are as follows:

Extensions let me make an infinite number of domains on the same domain. Like, hello@example.com, delphi@example.com, hi@example.com and so on. All of my questions are related to this mechanic.

1. Can I start an email exchange from an extension?
2. If not, if I reply to an email that came in on an extension, will I reply with said extension?
3. Can I filter emails by the extensino they came in on?
4. Can I set a catch-all that will any email to any extension come in, even if it's not explicitly set up?

Thanks in advance.

Best,

d

Edit after just trying it: It does do all of the things I described, including Catch-All email, although it's clearly not a primary use case and they discourage you from using it. It works just fine though.

As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

I recently have been reconnecting with something from my childhood: the Krosmoz universe! Anyone who was a kid in France between 2004 and 2012 or so either grew up on it or is at least a little bit familiar with it. Most people outside of the country, if they know of it, generally only know of Dofus, the first of their three (actually five (actually eight if you count the dead ones)) tactical MMORPGs, or the derived TV animated series Wakfu, which was picked up on Netflix at one point. But it's massive here. Even today, they're still quite popular and perpetually developed.

As a medium, video games are not generally so closely tied to countries; more than half of their history has been during the era of globalization and the Internet. Even in the past, when you could only buy games in person in a store, people's minds everywhere were nonetheless on games from overseas. Today, games made in Sweden or Morocco have lived on the same storefronts as games made in Venezuela and Australia for a good while, and I'd bet most people don't even think about where the people who make the games they play come from.

I personally think this is a great thing! But the fact that there's something like Krosmoz, that's so unusually localized to one place, makes me curious to know if there's more; and if there is, I want to know what's unique about it, and what it says about its players and makers, too.

I've asked this before on reddit, and I remember being told about Metin2, an originally Korean MMO that was so popular in Eastern Europe that even a decade after the original Korean and US servers were shut down, players from those countries are still updating the game and keeping it alive. This is a different situation from Krosmoz but another fascinating one. It's the kind of thing I wanna know about.

This is an invitation to yap, if you'll oblige me. Do you have anything like that where you're from? A game or game franchise that only people of your culture know, and that you want everyone else to know about? I wanna hear about it!

I posted this once and immediately deleted it to make it shorter. I did not really succeed. Please don't sue me!

Have you watched any TV shows recently you want to discuss? Any shows you want to recommend or are hyped about? Feel free to discuss anything here.

Please just try to provide fair warning of spoilers if you can.

Some people here know me, I’ve been open about having been a virgin until I was 24. I didn’t really think about this too much before I had sex, in that there are various skill levels. The person that I lost my virginity to was my age, but she had been having sex for over 10 years. We had a fling for a few months, so for a while she was the only person I was having sex with. I had nothing else to compare that to, and so to me what I was doing with her was the baseline of what sex was. It wasn’t until I started having sex with other people that I realized that she was actually significantly skilled in the area, and was quite a bit above average. So in that way, I lucked out on how I was introduced to sex.

Subsequent sexual partners have been lackluster. For a bit I thought, okay maybe they’re just not experienced even if they are quite a bit older than me and have been supposedly having sex for twenty some odd years. But after more people who claimed to have experience came my way, I started to think okay maybe experience doesn’t matter if you’re just doing the same thing over and over.

I’m going to try to describe what the issue is. Out of the partners that weren’t particularly good in bed, it feels like they can’t move their bodies very well. Like they’re stiff, movement isn’t fluid and they don’t have strong energy, there’s no vigor to them. I came to a theory that if someone can’t dance, that that translates into their performance. Because I think being able to dance, suggests that you have rhythm control, body control, and more explicitly hip control. As well as endurance. The first girl was someone that could dance, so we would dance together a lot and I think my dance ability translated to me being pretty good despite my inexperience. But with women that can’t dance I often find that they struggle to keep up with anything I’m trying to do. Like if I’m trying to set a rhythm they fight against the rhythm, not on purpose, it’s like dancing they just don’t have the rhythm.

Another thing is I last a really long time, like minimum an hour. The first girl was able to keep up with me even as the sessions went on for over two hours. A lot of other women I’ve been with are done by the 20 minute mark. Which to me is just like getting started.

So far this sounds like I’m bragging. But the point I’m getting at is that, I was not physically attracted to the girl I lost my virginity to. While we got along, generally, I also wasn’t super into her personality nor was there that much of an emotional connection from my side anyway. And since then I’ve been with women that I am both physically and mentally attracted to, but because of our lack of sexual compatibility I’m really not as keen on seeing them.

This kind of came into my brain, when I was looking at Reddit posts where people were discussing the former partners of both Ariana Grande and Sabrina Carpenter. Both singers are known for dating unattractive men. So when I saw a user say that, if you listen to how many of their songs are about sex, they likely prioritize sexual compatibility/chemistry above anything else. Which made me realize I think I do too. Maybe it’s just because sex is still a relatively new thing for me, and it’ll dissipate as time goes on. But, I wanted to know if other people were in the same boat.

What have you been doing lately for your own fitness? Try out any new programs or exercises? Have any questions for others about your training? Want to vent about poor behavior in the gym? Started a new diet or have a new recipe you want to share? Anything else health and wellness related?

Last year I ran an AMA while sitting in a field waiting to graduate from my undergrad program. I had planned to do the same thing again as I graduated from my master's program but was foiled by the 502 Bad Gateway last week, and then forgot to do it after as I was busy with moving and celebrations.

So, 1 year older (and wiser? -ish?), with deeper eye bags and less sleep, AMA

I am forced to use WhatsApp for work. I would prefer to not have the WhatsApp app on my personal android phone. Is there any workarounds or alternative apps? Switching to a different chat network is not an option unfortunately.

This post is mostly going to be incoherent rambling, but I hope this does make some sense and gains engagement from my other fellow Tildes users on here.

I, like many others, participated in the Reddit exodus to a degree after the API changes some years ago. I've been using tildes semi-regularly ever since, but I still frequent Reddit just as much as I used to (however, being much less active in terms of commenting/posting) simply due to the sheer size of the user base.

Of course, since January 20th 2025 (the beginning of Trumps second term), the world has definitely seemed to be in an increasingly state of turmoil ever since. De Minimis exception rules, non-stop changes on tariffs to different countries, the war in Iran, capturing the Venezuelan president (for better or for worse), trying to unite the Western hemisphere under the American flag, unveiling of the Epstein files, Isreal still attempting to ethnically cleanse Gaza, and countless other disputes that have been ongoing such as Russia v. Ukraine, China v. Taiwan, etc.

None of this is relatively good news, nor am I really a fan of any of these actions above, save for perhaps capturing Maduro.

Whenever I scroll through r/worldnews or r/news, it just seems that present day society is literally going on the brink of collapse. I'm just wondering, am I in the wrong to think that most people are living their lives the way they always have, and just hope for the best and they stay relatively unaffected?

I am someone who travels to the US semi-regularly, and if I were to take the word of the average redditor on there, I would safely assume that I am about to be shot on sight by ICE or be captured and waterboarded (slight exaggeration, I hope). And yet when I arrive, people are living their life the way they always have. Perhaps there is a tad more mistrust between citizens, and perhaps a bit more individuals feel more free to be openly racist (these are all assumptions, not stating them as fact), but everything is mostly just functioning the way it always has.

My question is, should I be more on the side that there is going to be significant political and economic reform in the world, or will things play out the way they always have for the 21st century, where everything gets, very slowly, shittier by the day, but things remain decent enough to quell the suggestion of a civil war?

Thanks for reading anyone, and appreciate any thoughts on the subject.

P.S I have no idea how to tag this, so thanks in advance to whoever does end up tagging this post.

So the Summer Solstice of 2026 concludes the 30th year that spouse and I have been married. We're in the queer bin, no offspring, two cats, and have both had miscellaneous careers, now on the bumpy path to elderhood.

Relationship advice - ups, downs, and all arounds, is a perennial theme of Tildes discussion.

This is your opportunity to throw down your questions about how to manage keeping it together this long.

Full disclosure: I've had two glasses of wine for our intermediate celebration (we decided to have a small one on the actual date since it's a Monday, the blowout is Friday night), so the immediate answers may be a little fuzzy.

I've been thinking a lot lately about burnout, ADHD, autism, work, and where I go from here.

My background is in entertainment design, print-focused graphic design, commercial printing, project management, production coordination, and over the years I've picked up a multitude of tech oriented skills with automation, software development and programming, mostly at hobby levels but still extremely useful.

I started out designing graphics for sets, props, and production, then gradually moved into the coordination and project management side by filling the gaps between creative teams, vendors, printers, clients, and production crews. Over time, that turned into a career built around helping complex visual and print projects move from idea to finished product. And I like it, I like being able to turn intangible ideas into reality.

But a lot of what has worn me down has not just been the workload itself. Print is stressful by nature, and I understand that. Deadlines move fast, clients change things, files come in wrong, and problems have to be solved quickly.

What has worn me down more is the pressure to work in a way that does not match how I work best, while also being hired for skills that depend on me seeing systems differently in the first place.

A major part of my career, especially as I moved into coordination and project management, has been my ability to understand systems, notice inefficient workflows, and find ways to improve them. I tend to see where information gets lost, where effort is duplicated, where confusion is being created, and where a better structure would help everyone.

A lot of this has actually stemmed from me adapting to my ADHD to create frictionless workflows for myself to help myself manage my life. But it translates well into systems and workflow because I understand where that friction is for a lot of people and how things get missed.

The frustrating pattern is that I often get hired partly because a company wants better organization, better workflows, better communication, or more efficient processes. Then when I start identifying those issues and trying to improve them, the follow-through fades.

Management may not fully support the changes. The existing culture may push back. Or one coworker who is deeply embedded in the company reacts badly and turns the situation into a conflict.

Eventually, I end up being pressured to operate inside the same inefficient workflow that was causing problems to begin with. Then I start looking ineffective in the exact environment I was hired to help improve.

That is where ADHD and autism make the struggle especially difficult. It is not that I cannot work hard or solve complex problems. I can. But when a workplace is unclear, reactive, socially political, inconsistent, or resistant to process improvement, I spend a huge amount of energy just trying to function inside it.

Then the anxiety builds. I start worrying that I'm going to be blamed, misunderstood, pushed out, or fired, even when I'm trying to help.

The hilariously frustrating thing is that I used to have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria from relationships stemming from my ADHD, I would get anxious and paranoid when sensing a change in behavior patterns or tone or whatever, and I am very happy to say I have overcome that in my relationships and am much more secure. HOWEVER, in a hilariously frustrating turn of events, those exact rejection sensitive dypshoria senses have moved entirely to work. And I start panicking at a manager's tone change, or email.

I get in this mindset of expecting to be fired at any moment, where I can hear and see my manager pulling me in to give me "the talk" before being let go.

And frankly I think that burns me out more than anything.

Like right now in this current job, I was hired to improve the processes and inefficiencies, because the print shop I'm working at is using software literally from 2001 all run on ancient Windows 7 computers and has been unsupported for over 15 years, and their process is so painstakingly inefficient that I was hired precisely because they knew.

However here I am 6 months into the job, and I haven't even touched any process improvements and I am now expected to work entirely off of paper and a 25 year old unsupported software, both of which is so far away from my skillset and how I function that I'm struggling every day just to keep up.

Meanwhile, the HR woman who is also a project manager, has outright refused any process improvement and has forced me to work EXACTLY like she does. She's forced me to use her spreadsheet, she's forced me to handwrite everything(I have dysgraphia too, I struggle writing by hand but typing is second nature). She has thrown me under the bus. I created a synced spreadsheet using Microsoft 365 so we didn't have to send emails with spreadsheets every single night that clogs up our inboxes, and she just straight up said "I'm not using that." I can't even search through my emails for client or project keywords because it picks up her daily "Schedule" emails because her spreadsheet has an archive sheet with 20 years worth of jobs and clients. Every time I search my email I have to sift through 100s of her daily schedule emails, and I've been told I'm not allowed to delete them in case we ever need to go back.

Meanwhile I have been self hosting ERPNext and on my own time wrote a custom Printing App with custom forms for estimating, jobs, and project management, even tracking equipment maintenance, to mimic our current workflow as closely as possible while keeping everything digital and consolidated, yet nobody seems interested in that.

So now I'm coming into work every day, struggling to be functional, and questioning if it's me, the job, or what. And it's frustrating that this has happened at just about every single job I've had since 2020.

I have real experience and real value. I've worked across graphic design, commercial printing, production, prepress, project management, account management, estimating, vendor coordination, branding, marketing support, workflow systems, and automation.

I know how print projects go wrong. I know how to prepare files, coordinate specs, communicate with printers, work with clients, manage production details, and help avoid expensive mistakes.

That is part of why I've started seriously thinking about freelance work, print brokerage, design support, print consulting, and workflow automation.

On paper, it feels like it could make sense. It would let me build something around the parts of the work I know I'm good at: helping people plan print projects, prepare files correctly, source vendors, manage production details, improve workflows, automate repetitive tasks, and make the process less confusing.

I'd also get to manage my own time, my own processes without being judged or worried about being fired. I have so many ideas on finding clients, helping clients, and I've got skillsets that would set me apart from my competition.

I see a need for design teams and people to need help with print, because I've worked with so many clients in my jobs that struggle with what comes second nature to me. And because schools seem to always teach how Print is dying, the majority of graphic designers know very very little about how to design effectively for print, which a lot of my career has been geared towards helping.

The part I'm unsure about is whether this is a real next step or just another big ADHD idea that feels urgent because I'm burned out.

I know I'm capable. That isn't really the question. The question is whether going out on my own would actually give me the room to use those skills in a healthier way, or whether I'd end up running into the same patterns without the safety net of a regular job.

That is the part that makes me hesitate. Freelancing feels like it could be a way to finally build work around how I function best, but it also feels uncertain and risky. If the same issues around anxiety, conflict, communication, or feeling unsupported still show up, I would be dealing with them on my own.

So I'm trying to be realistic without talking myself out of something that might actually help. I can't keep going the way I have been. I feel burned out and stuck, and this idea feels just practical enough and just uncertain enough that I keep coming back to it.

If anyone has experience with freelancing, print brokerage, consulting, ADHD/autism in the workplace, burnout, or building a career around a skillset that does not fit neatly into traditional jobs, I'd appreciate your perspective.

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have made some version of this work. Not in a "just quit your job and follow your dreams" way, but in a realistic way. What helped? What did you have to figure out? What made it sustainable?

I could use advice, but honestly, I could also use some encouragement and success stories from people who have been in a similar place and found a way forward.

I think the simplest thing Arc Raiders nailed about gameplay is the pacing. The enemies move at such a pace that you never get instantly vapourised; you always have a second or two to try something crazy even when you're utterly doomed. The times that 'something crazy' works you have a unique memorable moment. Let me tell you about one of mine.

A Rocketeer is a common headache in Arc Raiders. It's a quadcopter drone the size of a tank that shoots rockets. It usually takes a big and expensive weapon to take one down, but players started to take notice of an item called a 'Hornet Driver', basically a stun grenade. What happens when you stun an aerial drone? That's right, it drops right out of the sky, to its doom if the fall is far enough.

With this in mind, I emerged from some tunnels to find another player pinned down by a Rocketeer. I throw a Hornet Driver, it hits just the right spot and the Rocketeer drops to the ground but is unharmed... and then in trying to angrily get back in the air it flips itself over on its back, completely immobilised. The two of us strangers hesitate for a split second before we sprint over and beat the thing to death with hammers.

There are flaws in this game but in terms of creating organic events it's been a great time.

I was musing about this recently with the recent models becoming more capable. The core of gen AI is the model, which is trained on a massive dataset. To date, gen AI has improved because the models have become larger, more efficient, the data they are trained on has become better and the software/harnesses around them has improved to help query them.

As I see it, surely the bottleneck will soon become the data they are trained on? If we imagine a scenario where a models could consume an infinite amount of training data, and there is no limit to the training time or quality. The sum of human skill/knowledge is the limiting factor. Gen AI should (in theory) never be able to out preform or push the boundary of the sum of humanity at time of training.

Or, counterpoint, is there enough randomness and speed to iterate that gen AI can actually step change and improve if training times/cost were less prohibitive? Most companies/models today will save good output and feed it back into the next iteration, but right now that's taking months. What if that took minutes?

What do you think?

Is gen AI going to take us to general intelligence?
Will gen AI get to a place where it's "intelligence" and reasoning is actually better than the sum of Humanity?

I've been seeing this claim repeated across social media, blogs, and various online communities these days. However, I haven't yet found a discussion that digs into the evidence behind it or provides reliable sources.

Where can I learn more about this topic?

I'm increasingly skeptical of mainstream media coverage and a lot of what I encounter online, so I'm looking for sources that are as rigorous and unbiased as possible. I'd especially appreciate:

• Academic papers and research studies
• Industry reports with transparent methodologies
• Independent analyses that critically examine the claim
• Any insights from people who work in web infrastructure, cybersecurity, search, analytics, or related fields

If you know of high-quality resources, I'd love to read about them.

What have you been listening to this week? You don't need to do a 6000 word review if you don't want to, but please write something! If you've just picked up some music, please update on that as well, we'd love to see your hauls :)

Feel free to give recs or discuss anything about each others' listening habits.

You can make a chart if you use last.fm:

http://www.tapmusic.net/lastfm/

Remember that linking directly to your image will update with your future listening, make sure to reupload to somewhere like imgur if you'd like it to remain what you have at the time of posting.

Have you watched any movies recently you want to discuss? Any films you want to recommend or are hyped about? Feel free to discuss anything here.

Please just try to provide fair warning of spoilers if you can.

Custom games/game modes/rulesets give gamers the ability to enjoy some games nearly infinitely. Gary's Mod, Rust, Minecraft, Robolox, Fortnite, and many others keep people coming back as people create new ways to play.
When I was younger I played a ton of Warcraft 3 custom games. I remember there being a solid ~2 years when that was almost entirely what I would play whenever I was able to use the computer and then another 3-4 years after where I would play at least a couple of times a week.

I remember loving custom games like:

• Defense of the Ancients (DotA)
• Island Troll Tribes (also Jungle Troll Tribes to a lesser extent)
• Risk (and it's many versions)
• Wintermaul and Wintermaul wars (along with all the other tower defense and tower defense wars)
• Vamperism
• Pest Control
• Many others as this list would drag on

I remember chatting with a lot of interesting people, though I didn't have any friendships I made move past Warcraft 3 in to other games.

I know there are many other games with custom games or customer game modes that the community developed, with DotA 2 coming full circle from being the sequel to a custom game to having custom games of its own.

To get the conversation going:

• What games had your favorite custom games?
• What custom games were your favorite?
• Did you make or contribute to any custom games?
• Any favorite memories?

The survey has been closed and the results are in!

Thank you to all the 244 people that responded! Check out the dashboard for the full results!

• ZIP download of the data

Thank you all again for participating! Hope to see you in the next survey! :)

By sandwich, I am excluding "the Shaggy", where you just pile every good thing you can think of on.

I mean what is your favorite traditional sandwich, such that you could say the name to a stranger and have a reasonable chance of them knowing what fillings you are thinking of.

You may include candidates which are not not universally be considered a sandwich, such as hot dogs, quesadillas, burgers, etc. So long as you genuinely beleive it to be superior to all other sandwich forms.

My current shortlist of candidates, as examples:

1. Grilled Cheese - Simple, easy, accessible to the masses

2. Bahn Mi - A Vietnamese sandwich of a split baguette with kewpie mayo spread, stuffed with marinated grilled pork, cucumber, carrot, and sliced green pepper.

3. Italian Combo - An informal sub combination typically consisting of salami, capicolla, and some form of cheese, mozzarella being used as a default .

You can choose your own metric for what makes for a superior sandwich and may consider any standard toppings for the sandwich like mustard/mayo to be included.

This topic is part of a series. It is meant to be a place for users to discuss creative projects they have been working on.

Projects can be personal, professional, physical, digital, or even just ideas.

If you have any creative projects that you have been working on or want to eventually work on, this is a place for discussing those.

A few days ago, I posted this and quickly realized that the world of data backups is far richer than just sudo rsync -av --delete --exclude=Videos /home /home_bkup.

So now I'm window shopping the top Linux-supported backup solutions: borg, duplicacy, kopia, restic and--oh look--a core borg dev just dropped his own new-and-improved solution, vykar.

Restic was the first tool I started to research, and I thought I really liked it, got as far as installing, initializing a test repo, creating a couple of snapshots. But restic seems to be, hmm, fussy about the source and destination paths, absolute vs relative paths, etc.

The fact that merely renaming a parent directory (or grandparent, or great-grandparent, etc) causes restic to treat every unchanged byte below that as brand new ... that's a recipe for giant, bloated repos, and it's unacceptable to me ... and hey, lookit that, borg does not do that. So now, restic is out and borg is in.

But what other pros v cons are there, that I haven't even realized need to be considered? What advantages/disadvantages do other apps offer? Which ones can I easily automate with nightly/hourly cron jobs? Which ones have their own even-better automated solutions?

Do I even want encryption? All of my drives/volumes are LUKS encrypted, and anything I would store remotely would also get encrypted before it ever left my LAN ... plus, I'm just a bit nervous about having the backups encrypted, requiring working, functional software to restore/recover data from them....

That may not seem like such a big concern, perhaps, but I am currently working my way thru decrypting a bunch of 10-15 year old TrueCrypt-ed volumes, which requires using an old, outdated version of VeraCrypt and a somewhat "cross-my-fingers" effort to find KeePass repos old enough (also outdated, KeePass 1.0 repos) to still contain the various passwords I used to encrypt those ancient volumes ... but also still use new enough master passwords that I can still get the KeePass repos unlocked.

With rsync, I can literally just go into any backup, find the specific version of the specific file(s) I want to recover, and manually copy it back to my workspace. Is anything like that option available in any of these deduplicated/encrypted solutions, even if they're not encrypted? If (eg) a borg repo is created w/o encryption, the data is still all just borg-specific blobs, right? Or can I navigate into the repo and just manually grab files?

Oh yeah ... for reference, the past 10-ish years, my backup routine has been to create a new, dated, destination folder, starting with a full backup of my /home folder (excluding things like Videos, Music, VMs, other bulky stuff that gets backed up separately/differently), and then running nightly diff backups into the same folder, while also maintaining a "one-day-older" second backup of the whole thing on a 2nd HDD ... then, every 3-6 months, zipping up the current backup folder and starting a new one.

At any rate, there you go; that's the kind of stuff I'm thinking about now, as I overhaul my 20-year-old, 20TB (but could be 2TB) backup system.

Any and all feedback, recommendations, tips are welcome. Danke.

I journal sporadically, and have sometimes wanted to record a thought as a poem. I like idea of using constraints to further my grasp on the thought I'm trying to express, and it'd leave me with something I'd feel proud to come back to.

But I don't really know where to start? I'm hoping to find a form of poetry can be short enough to not feel daunting to start, but still forces enough structure to make the exercise worthwhile.

I imagine this effort means I'll also need to read more poetry and find stuff I like. My only real experience with the medium is from school, and thinking back to that time only reminds me of how confused I was while guessing if a foot was stressed or unstressed. I do remember liking Arthur Rimbaud's Le dormeur du val though. If anyone has any recommendations for poems they like, I'd take those too

This is a recurring post to discuss programming or other technical projects that we've been working on. Tell us about one of your recent projects, either at work or personal projects. What's interesting about it? Are you having trouble with anything?

Tildes is a very serious site, where we discuss very serious matters like outages, arch user repository and phishing. Tags culled from the highest voted topics from the last seven days, if anyone was sharp-eyed.

But one of my favourite tags happens to be offbeat! Taking its original inspiration from Sir Nils Olav III, this thread is looking for any far-fetched offbeat stories lurking in the newspapers. It may not deserve its own post, but it deserves a wider audience!

As part of a weekly series, these topics are a place for users to casually discuss the things they did — or didn't do — during their week. Did you accomplish any goals? Suffer a failure? Do nothing at all? Tell us about it!

I'm curious about things in your life (things you do, objects owned, rituals observed) that may seem silly to outside observers (or even to you) but have objectively practical purposes or an internal logic that just needs a bit of explaining?

I was thinking about my Batman t-shirt that I'm wearing today, and my other graphic logo t-shirts that I know a man in his mid-40's isn't supposed to wear because it's childish. Now, granted I only wear these around the house and if I'm going out to run errands, and I'm sure I look a little foolish to most folks, but I've found that the graphic tees serve far more purpose than I ever imagined when I originally purchased them.

When I bought them, it was because:

1. I knew I'd be wearing them under a jacket all day as the office I worked in at the time kept the HVAC set in the high 60's (Farenheit) and they'd go unnoticed.
2. They cost a little less than high quality individual plain shirts as I happened to catch them all on a clearance in my size; extremely rare since I'm a tall dude who's half torso.
3. I had always wanted to wear super hero logos and stuff as a kid, but even into my 20's I could never justify the price even when working full time.

I've got around 10 shirts that I rotate through, along with a bunch of plain ones because when you buy them in packs of 6 they're still way cheaper. And I've found a few odd benefits I wasn't expecting.

• I often dress in dim light, without my glasses on. Having a logo means I rarely turn my graphic t-shirts inside out and I never put them on backwards.
• I'm a big dude, tall and broad and I take up a lot of space. I believe that people treat me as less imposing when I'm wearing a funny little t-shirt.
• They're surprisingly comfortable and well-made, and they've lasted me a decade at this point and will likely last longer than that.

So back to the main topic at hand: is there anything you have or do that's silly to yourself or others that actually has practical benefit or a logical reason that lets you suspend embarrassment?

I want to donate my kidney (not to anyone in particular, which would make the process far more straightforward), but I need help navigating the bureaucracy. Here are things I have seen about living kidney donation online:

• You can select five people to get priority access to kidneys if they need it (e.g., parents, spouse, kids)
• They will fly you to where you need to go for screening
• They will cover lost wages during recovery

Now I don't know who "they" is, or how to go about getting answers to these questions. Since I'm not tethered to a particular recipient, I can choose wherever to sign up, and I want to make the optimal choice both for myself and the recipient.

If you are a donor, especially an anonymous donor who's navigated this stuff, please reach out.

My hypoglycemia issues are not related to diabetes fwiw. That said, I tend to get hypoglycemia a few times a day. If I catch it quick enough and treat, it's usually not a big deal, but if I get too low (maybe once I get into the 50s mg/dl), then after treating (usually about 15 minutes later), I get so. freaking. tired. Like, barely able to stand up exhausted. Currently dealing with this as we speak, and it's very frustrating. My endocrinologist told me it's normal to get tired like this while recovering. I'm curious if anyone else deals with this? If so, do you have any advice for dealing with the fatigue?

Tildes might be too small of a platform for this. If no one deals with hypoglycemia here, please feel free to remove it. I thought with the prevalence of diabetes, it would be likely there are folks who encounter this.

EDIT: In case anyone ever stumbles on this, turns out it was an insulinoma. I finally had surgery. Don't give up hope, answers can be out there, even if you feel like there's no where left to look.

In a few days my dad will have been gone for 2 months. I'm his only biological child and he has 2 stepsons. I've been feeling like I'm grieving 'the wrong way' but that in itself is not a source of stress or anything. I've been spending so much time doing other things that I've been distracted from having enough quiet moments to reflect on his passing and remember all that I can about him. I'm also not the type of person that can cry easily (not a sociopath lol). We weren't super close but I believe we had an understanding; this is a common father-son dynamic I think. Although, I do feel terrible that he won't be around to see me hit all the milestones of adulthood that I know he would be proud of. But I do know that he was proud of me for some things because he made sure to tell me. I also feel like I don't know how to fully be there for my mother who just lost her partner of 30+ years; I can't imagine the scale of her grief. Any words of wisdom are appreciated.

It might be worth mentioning that he was an alcoholic, as am I (sober 1 year next month). This of course was a factor in his death but not the only thing. I'm very grounded in the reality of what happened and why it happened which I think makes others surprised by my 'tough exterior' or whatever. I feel like I can go on forever but I'll leave this post short.

Others are welcome to share cool stories about their dads :^)

Hey all,

My family and I are leaving for a vacation tomorrow, and I won't be back until Jun 11th. I likely won't have very consistent internet access while gone since we're going on a cruise which only has rather expensive and slow satellite internet, so I just wanted to leave a message here on Tildes somewhere so nobody worries about my absence. :P

I removed the latest /r/tildes invite thread but will make a new one when I get back. And I also likely won't be able to post the remainder of the Taskmaster episodes as they are released, so if someone wants to take over posting those while I'm gone I would appreciate it. Thanks and see you all again in a few weeks. :)

What have you been doing lately for your own fitness? Try out any new programs or exercises? Have any questions for others about your training? Want to vent about poor behavior in the gym? Started a new diet or have a new recipe you want to share? Anything else health and wellness related?