Trigger Warnings: parent death, pet death, drowning

Recently my mom passed away in a river accident.
She had brought her service dog (a German Shepherd) with her on a rafting trip with friends. From witness testimony, her raft got caught in some trees and as she was trying to detangle herself, her dog got spooked, and jumped into the river. My mom was tied to the dog, and they ended up drowning. They found both their bodies hours later.

I’m still reeling, and I’m in shock. It’s almost early morning and I still can’t get to sleep. I live in a different country and I need to head back to deal with her affairs. She was a single mother, so it’s up to me to figure things out. I have a lot of support, but it still feels so overwhelming.

I specifically would like any advice on how to deal with the “accident” part of her death. It would be one thing if she had died peacefully in her home. But the reason I can’t sleep is because my brain won’t stop trying to imagine what it must have been like in her final moments. The fear, the struggle, her body washing ashore and just sitting somewhere for hours until they could find her. How she must look like now. I will request they cremate her, the police pretty much recommended I don’t do a final look because of how she died. But the morbid curiosity is just there. I don’t know how to shut it off. I know she wouldn’t have wanted me to ruminate over it, but it’s almost like I’m getting the PTSD on her behalf.

I’m also so angry. Angry at her for thinking it would be safe to bring her dog on a raft. Angry at her for tying herself to said dog. But I realize this is more like “denial/bargaining”. My brain keeps making these angry scenarios where I’m yelling at her not to be so stupid. What would possess her to do something like this? But of course that’s just another part of grief.

I’m rambling, it’s late. (Or rather early?) I’m just really sad and tired. Any words would be appreciated.

if i chart my life happiness, fulfilment, success over the past four years, the trend is clearly downwards. some clear wins and stretches of improvement, some quite significant, which i am proud of, but overall, i am getting worse and worse and worse. i attribute my problems mostly to two things: severe social isolation, and an extreme deficit of executive function. however i got here, i'm stuck with the fallout

my memory is bad, and my attention shot, so i kind of don't know what's happened emotionally. i know some focal points, though

this past march, i had a major depressive episode, and it feels like i spent most of a week doing nothing but crying, for no reason at all. i'm not sure how i fed myself

at the beginning of 2022, i quit my (very cushy and chill) job, which i had had for a little over a year at that point, because i felt like i was unmotivated and not actually doing work. (the facts are a bit more subtle; it was partly that the work itself was uninteresting to me, and they wanted to work with me to find something for me to do that i would find more interesting. i was going along with that, until a new opportunity appeared, which i jumped for because i wanted to be able to make a clean break. that opportunity immediately fell through.) i had been living with my parents until shortly before, so i had a lot of savings

now, i find myself in a similar situation, only much more dire. a friend got me a job working with smart people on interesting problems. i have not been doing well. i have been extremely uncommunicative. the pattern is clear: i talk to people, flex my technical chops; they are impressed and like me a lot. then i'm not very productive, and my output slowly deteriorates to nil. i think i just can't do wfh tech work. last week was a blur. i don't know what happened at all. i don't think i've checked slack in close to two weeks, and atp i'm a little bit afraid to. two weeks ago, i asked my friend/coworker to poke me every day to make sure i was doing something. it seemed and still seems like a good strategy. and then a day or two after i asked him that i just dropped off the map again

i'm not addicted to drugs or video games. it seems like i ought to be. i am a bit drunk right now, but that is quite irregular

recently, i thought i'd finally made a close friend. this morning, she broke up with me and blocked me for a really really stupid reason. i am really hurt by that, and it makes me feel a bit hopeless about the whole thing. spent the afternoon crying about it and now just feel a bit numb. i give it decent odds she comes back, but. i know one problem i have is putting my eggs in too few baskets. but there are so few baskets that seem worth investing in, and investment is so hard

she suggested i try to get prescribed add medication for my work problems, and was going to give me some illicitly to see if it helped. the latter is not happening anymore, of course. and i cannot stomach the medical system (already i have other things i have been putting off talking to my doctor about for a while), not to mention that it would take forever to do anything for me

i don't know what to do in the short to medium term. i don't know what to say to my work that i haven't said already, other than: clearly, i am just incapable of doing this. i am not super financially stable right now, and being without a job seems like a bad idea

Hey, so there's been an ice buildup in our fridge creeping along the back. After a while it hit the front, and tadaaaa, it finally got bad enough the door didn't close fully... So most everything outside of one big pile of vegetables got defrosted overnight. (On the plus side, I walked into having a nice big pancake breakfast!) We threw out the meats and moved the veggies to our other freezer. This at least let me finally disassemble everything and see what's in there. It looks like this in there:

https://imgur.com/a/YnGB3Zz

When we noticed this was happening a few months ago I turned off the ice maker switch in the back and, but it still kept doing this. There's still a ton of ice in the top tray, and set the temp to the max. But the fridge is right up against the left wall there, making it difficult/impossible to get the trays here out with the door blocking it. Additionally the right side has a dishwasher immediately next to it, so a decent amount of heat goes up the back. Then ALSO I found that big chunk of ice frosted on a pipe, so I wonder if it split? I'm unfamiliar with fridge design, so I don't know exactly what would give me the right answer.

I'm wondering what to do. My thoughts are that I've finally got the bottom tray/shelf/bucket thing out, so I could hammer the shit out of it and at least clear the bottom up... Then if I could get the top tray out I could see if removing all the ice in the top would stop the creep. I'm guessing that's a big fat no. At that point, is it possible to remove the ice module that I actively do not want anyway to see if it fixes anything, or is it integral to the freezer design? And at that point... Should we just get another fridge? Are there fridges without this busto icemaker shit nowadays? Thanks!

Edit to add: coop multiplayer is not available on the mobile version, which is the only realistic choice for our current life pattern / technology setup. I do agree it sounds interesting and fun!

My family has recently been on a big Stardew Valley kick. My spouse and I and our daughter are all first time players playing on android, which has no multiplayer mode.

From what I understand about multiplayer, I don't really think it would be good for us. We all play the game in very different ways. However, I think it would be amazing to be able to trade items. No one but me likes going into the mines/caves, and sometimes you just need one of something out of season.

My idea is that there would be a special chest I could put something into and it would be moved out of my game and into one of theirs or vice versa. Obviously, you could mod the game so you can just get any item, but this way somebody still has to get it, so it (hopefully) doesn't undermine the game economy.

I have been looking at the mod community, and it seems like the android version supports mods. I haven't found a mod that does as described. My general path forward is:

• set up a mod that implements the chest and talks to a server via API
• set up a server that can receive and hold incoming "put" and then send those items with the "get" from the client at the other end
• build the API so that it can represent important assets in the game
• come up with a lightweight way to secure the protocol to the intended users (this may depend on how identifiable individual clients are, but could be as simple as putting in a shared secret when creating the chest)

Obviously there are a lot of details to work out, but I wanted to get some wider feedback from people who had been playing the game longer.

• does this already exist and I'm just not aware? I did spend some time searching, but it seems like most mods are either cosmetic or change the in game mechanics in some way.
• would you be interested in something like this?
• what kind of mechanics would you want to see? Maybe a way to propose and accept specific trades rather than just sending items? Would you limit it to your circle of friends or be interested in a wider community?
• have you written or used Stardew Valley mods (especially on android), and if so, what was your experience?

Two weeks ago I decided to cut alcohol out of my life. I have a weird issue though where I don't feel I necessarily relate to other problem drinkers in support spaces online, and I assume would not in-person, because I feel like my habit was never particularly bad. I've never been addicted to the degree where I have to have a drink to function, I never used it as a crutch in social situations, or anything like that. I don't mean this to put anybody down, but I've grown up around alcoholics, and even count myself among that number, but feel I somehow never fell into the worst, and have a hard time walking away from where I was because of it.

To break down my cycles of drinking:

I started with a beer a day. I liked beer, then moved on to drink/include whiskeys and other hard liquors. I'd have 1-3 drinks a night most nights from when I was of legal drinking age and could afford my own alcohol, and have a pace usually of one an hour. I enjoyed the tastes, experimenting with different varieties, and just exploring what was out there from whiskeys, cordials, weird beers, meads, anything.

Then there came a point where I started drinking heavily infrequently but regularly about seven years ago, where half a handle was gone in a week and a half and I had no idea where it went. I didn't black out at all, but would later realize I was drinking it really fast. This continued, I would stop buying hard liquor, and then buy some, and drink it quicker than I should have, rinse repeat.

The thing where I feel conflicted is I feel like I was in control, in a sense. I really enjoyed the alcohol I was drinking and would sip on it over a few hours having glass after glass. For these heavier nights I would wake up with a mild hangover, but it wasn't an every day thing. I would occasionally mess up and drink half a 750ml bottle and regret it, but tone it back down.

As far as cravings, I would crave alcohol like I crave other foods/drinks, like "I really want some Johnnie Walker Black this week" similarly to how I would think "I want a coke." Then I would clear 375ml in three days, and realize I didn't have enough to enjoy until the next paycheck (I generally didn't buy liquor more than once a pay period because I was usually interested in being more intimate with one drink at a time). Similar to how if I eat candy bars regularly I crave them, alcohol is/was the same.

Part of this led me to take a long time to give myself permission to stop drinking. I decided two weeks ago that I just don't need alcohol and sort of just said I'd commit to it, do the "one day at a time" thing. No end time, just never doing it. I feel if there's a deadline, or any conditions to drink, I'll slip back into the patterns I had which weren't entirely self-destructive, but not something I wanted to live with. As far as work functions, I'll just get a soda, mocktail, or water.

As a result, I have also hit a sort of malaise about how different things aren't. I've had dry patches where I chose not to drink, and I don't have a huge recovery story since I wasn't drinking all the time anyway, but going through these sorts of cycles. I don't feel any different because I'm not healing, I'm not going through any withdrawals or detox, I don't have any behavior to feel guilty about, or anything. I feel like a bad alcoholic, in a sense, because I don't have much to run from beyond the problem of "one is too many, two is not enough." I also feel self-conscious about not drinking alcohol, because I'm worried about how to answer if asked why.

I guess, to a point, I'm reaching out because I feel a little alone on this. I'm not sure how to navigate my not-quite sobriety (I still use cannabis edibles on rare occasion, and kava quite frequently, but not regularly). Has anybody else been in a similar situation? How did you navigate it internally?

So this is ultimately a very oddball situation. Some background:

I live in a rancher in southern NJ. Fully electrified home.

I had recently installed minisplits to replace some electric baseboard heaters, covering about 2/3 of my home. This was fortunate, as I believe my blower fan in my central AC unit blew out. The minisplits + 1 window unit have actually been cheaper to operate than the old AC unit, so now I have a vestiegal high-velocity central AC system in my attic.

Namely, this means a lot of unused flexible, insulated ductwork and some ferro-fluids in my attic that should probably be blocked off and drained, respectively.

I've been contemplating on how to possibly repurpose some of this stuff to fix one of the biggest blind spots in my home: ventilation and filtering

My one bathroom exhaust fan vents directly into the attic, which is a moisture hell that needs solved.

There's no other ductwork in my home, and pretty much the only time fresh air gets in the house is if we crack windows or open doors.

So the theory is:

I route the bathroom exhausts into the old air handler coils to help capture the moisture and drain it out, then have it mix with some outside air and recirculate it into the house again.

Alternatively, routing some of the air between the attic/crawlspace/attached garage for preconditioning outside air as as well.

Is this insanity, or a remotely plausible idea? I'm fairly handy, and since its sbeing made with vestigial bits in spare time labor cost is much less of an issue than parts.

My dog is really important to me. Without going into much detail, he and I have been through a lot and I’m committed to making his life as good as possible. a couple of years ago we lived in San Francisco and we were happy. Then I moved to the East Coast, spent a year with my parents before starting a PhD. That was not the best experience, it was at the last stage of his adulthood before being elderly, and he got attacked by my mom‘s dog several times and we were in a shitty concrete hell suburbia that had no good places to walk him. I am very sympathetic to how difficult the transition has been.

Finally we have a place to ourselves again, and it sucks. I feel like he’s ruining my life. It’s been upsetting me to the point that I want to scream.

• he will not leave me alone. He needs to be where I am at all times. We live in a modest one bedroom apartment, and you can see every room from any other room. if I go into the bedroom and he’s in the living room, he has to hop off the couch and follow me 15 feet. If I go to the bathroom, he’s laying down outside the door. Because of his arthritis, I wish he would just stay and not walk unnecessarily.

• I take him on one good size walk and two or three small walks per day. these are the most frustrating times of my day. He lags behind me no matter how slowly I go. I have to keep the leash very short so that I don’t have him fearing off left and right. He wants to smell every single thing. He used to, be a good walker and he would stay at my side and come to that position if I signal him to. But in his old age, he just doesn’t listen to me, it’s not a matter of hearing. He completely ignores me.

• if he is not eating, out on a walk, or tearing up a stuffy, he is unhappy. He lays and will now and then sneezes or sighs.

• he has always had this problem where, a sudden loud noise will deeply disturb him. He will shake uncontrollably, and any attempt to soothe him, by talking to him or touching him, just makes him shake worse.

• he hounds me for food. The moment I touched something in the kitchen, he comes.

• I have gotten him several bowls to try slowing down his eating, but he eats like he’s starving. So I have to feed him in small bits, and if the bits are spread apart too far, he starts shaking like he’s being neglected. I have had him tested for diabetes or other issues, his blood work comes back normal.

• he always wants to sleep in my bed, but he does not want me to touch him. If we are sleeping back to back and our hips touch, he gets off the bed. And then he gets back on as soon as he sees a decent opportunity. we used to share the bed, because I have had a California king size bed by myself, and it was fine. But in the last year, it’s just like he hates it.

I have come to hate the sound of his collar jingling. I have nasty thoughts like waiting for the relief of him passing away. Sometime I have an aggressive voice, but I really do always try to keep my voice light and keep his tailwagging in my interactions with him. I’m sure he can sense my agitation though. It has become overwhelming. I don’t enjoy a single moment of our life together.

And I have to work and he needs to be walked several times a day and he will shake if he feels like he’s being neglected in that aspect, so when I have to go run errands, I take him with me, but I can never get anywhere because not only is he naturally slow. He has developed this instinct of lagging behind and he wants to stop and smell everything and it’s just annoying to have to constantly crouch down and Argue with him to get him to move his body. I don’t feel comfortable, forcing him to move, especially because of his arthritis.

Like I said, he used to have good training, but it has all fallen by the wayside and he is old and stubborn.

But this cannot continue. I Don’t believe either of us are happy. I would like some advice on how to effectively train him in the time that I have, I do not have the money to hire a trainer. I also ask that you handle your responses gently; I am extremely upset by this and I am aware of how shitty it sounds of me to speak of him so poorly, but my mental health is falling apart because of the lack of freedom and relaxation that I can find living with him.

I have no intention of rehoming him, and have always been committed to his safety, and comfort and mental and physical happiness. if I rehomed him, it would haunt me, it would devastate me. But I would do it if I believed he would be happier. But I don’t believe he would be, I have left him with my parents and other people in the past, and he just waits vigilantly for me to return.

Edit: I also want to say that I am open to advice on how I can manage myself and my feelings about this

I am wanting to setup a personal podcast server but I am not really sure how to go about that.

I have my own server at home with docker and I am not sure if there are any well-known FOSS (preferable dockerized) podcast server applications that I can spin up and load some podcast episodes into so that I can create my own custom podcast feed that only I would subscribe to?

and I want to be able to support video podcasts.

Tis fire season again here in North America and Europe. From my house in coastal California I grieve every year as more of my favorite forests burn, from British Columbia to California.

There is no end in sight for this transition. So what can we do to at least mitigate the worst of its effects? I think the time to play defense over pure "wilderness" is long gone. The forests that haven't burned are still beautiful, but they're riddled with disease and so overgrown the ecosystems are permanently distorted.

Every year there is less pristine forest and more burned land. I'm a fourth generation Californian and the Portuguese side of the family still owns a ranch in the foothills from 1893. But I own nothing and the prospect of being able to afford land in California has forever been beyond my reach. Burned land needs to be rehabilitated in a thoughtful manner. I'm hoping once my daughter finishes college and our life starts a new chapter, that I can find a few acres where I can make the best environmental impact, such as a headwaters, then invite experts onto the land to teach me how to best heal it.

Every year I have this idea, and every year more areas become available (in the worst sense). I don't need to live on this land. I don't expect it to be much more than grasses and saplings for 20 years. I'd get out to it one or two weekends a month, rent some equipment and hire some folks as I could. I also understand that my original thought that this would be immune from future fire seasons is wrong. But at least the land can be designed to be as fire resistant as possible, with a clear understory and single large trees. And that is another part of the allure. This acreage would come with its own challenges for sure, but in some sense it is a blank slate. The permaculture people could show us how to remediate and reconstruct the land from the bones up.

I know this project would be an aggravating money sink, and even perhaps an unrealistic and irresponsible fantasy by someone untrained in forestry management. But there is so much burned land now. Every year another giant 4% stripe of California goes up in smoke. Yet this idea just doesn't catch on. It entails a lot of patience and work. I know it's not what most people want to hear. They want their idyllic cabin in Tahoe or nothing. But that time is quickly coming to an end and learning how to revive the forests that have been devastated is our only real choice.

Whenever I've tried to get serious about this, though, I learn that there is no market in burned land because there is hardly any profit to be made. No real estate agent that I can find is specializing in this because their clients are having to sell ruined land and burned buildings for pennies on the dollar. I've been advised that the best way is to find a specific spot, do my research, and approach the owner directly. But, again, there is so much burned land now I hardly know where to start. The Santa Cruz Mountains? The Sierra adjacent to Yosemite? Crater Lake in Oregon?

Any thoughts or ideas or resources would be appreciated.

So in about two weeks I'll be at a conference for a career path that I've been trying my best to get into for two years. It's a bit niche, having an overlap with science, tech and IT.

As such this conference represents opportunity for me, and given how low my morale is after rejection after rejection after rejection, something I really hope to see some result from.

Does anyone have any tips on how to network at such a conference?

The topic has been on my mind lately and I'm thinking through my feelings. I'd appreciate hearing others' experiences and opinions to help with my approach.

For context, I have several close family members, including a parent, approaching retirement age. As they've been getting their affairs in order, I've been finding myself the recipient of either gifts or posthumous requests, which are sentimental to them but not me.

Its nothing outrageous. Examples of gifts are things like little decorations/mementos/childhood crafts, long held by them but which I've never seen before. In terms of requests, think along the lines of: I'd really love for you to learn X instrument because you're musical, or I'd love for you to take care of X income-generating hobby I started but you like (Im being a little vague).

I want to respect their feelings (even when I'm not overly sentimental) and help them feel comfortable as they get older, but I want also don't want to outright lie (eg, requests I can't promise to keep) or accrue things that, to me, are clutter.

How have you approached this, or similar scenarios with aging or dying loved ones? Did your opinions or feelings change as they continued to age or passed?

Hello,

I am thinking of perhaps purchasing the vehicle mentioned in my title, is there recommended maintenance suggestions that should be done other than what can be found in Lexus's car care recommendations or something that would be found in the drivers manual? Anything unusual to watch out for? Any particular brand of motor oil that would be best? etc.

Thanks

I'm probably buying inlines soon to be able to ride together with my son. From the last time I had inlines, about 20 years ago, I remember that taking them on and off was a real pain, both really slow, and you ended up without any shoes, so if you wanted to enter a store for example it was often better to walk there than using the inlines. Is there anything out there today that solves those problems?

I guess I could buy some lightweight shoes to bring along, but the swapping still takes a lot of time and is a bit cumbersome. Any other tips would also be nice.

Hi Tilerinos!

Is there an app that has most or all of the train timetables across Europe? When I was in the UK on my last trip, I found Train Times. It looks like the app was entirely redesigned since I used it, but at first glance it seems similar. I would like a similar app for Europe:

• Simple with no bloat (I don’t need the app to buy tickets, in fact, I would prefer if it couldn’t)
• Be able to look up a station and view all departing and arriving trains, no matter the destination
• Have live updates for delays and cancellations
• Reasonably priced subscription is fine (and expected because of the delay and cancellation info)
• Preferably not associated with any particular train company
• Covers most of Europe (although an app for just France, or specific countries, would also be appreciated)

Anyone here know of an app like that? I know it’s a big ask, but I am hoping some indie developer has made a nice app like this. Thanks!

Unless I'm missing something in my search queries, Google ain't coming up with anything. I'm trying to look for samples of printouts from emails (hosts are irrelevant) made in the early 2000's. It's for a novel project. While I have a vague idea of what kind of layout is needed, it's one thing to guess, and another to actually see it. Any leads?

Lately I've been interested in different types of narrative structures, namely upon discovering Kishōtenketsu, the Japanese four-act structure and how it contrasts to the traditional western three-act structure.

Obviously narrative is not an exact science, and these structures are best thought of as guide rails to get you started, and a story can be told in so many unique ways. Which brings me to this post's title: The Bear.

The Bear has strong themes revolving around family and personal growth, that's for certain, but when it comes to narrative, it is very unique. Episode length can vary quite a bit, and so too can episode content. Episode 1 of the most recent season was a time-bending, heartstring-tugging montage. Episode 2 was essentially just a single conversation.

And while there are some episodes with a traditional narrative structure with a clear beginning, climax, and ending, I would say most episodes steer away from this concept. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that any sort of resolution is very rare in this show. Episodes, or even entire seasons can pass without many of the major conflicts or problems being resolved, which certainly adds to the high-pressure, anxiety-inducing mantra of the show as a whole.

I'd say The Bear leans heavily into the Slice of Life trope. Where we're being invited into brief glimpses of the lives of the characters, where relationships are complicated, problems aren't always solved, and life is simply messy and unorganized. The Bear doesn't follow any sort of formula that audiences would find satisfying (but that certainly doesn't mean it isn't enjoyable).

So, back to the question in the title. Does anyone know where I might read or learn more about the type of narrative structure that The Bear employs? Is there even a name for it? As innovative as the show is, is still has this certain air of nostalgia that reminds me a lot of Sopranos, which is another show that I believe breaks the mold of traditional story structure, especially in an episodic format.

Any insight would be greatly appreciated! Enjoy your day, and godspeed.

This is my cry for help.

I'm a newer programmer who just got hired for my first actual programming job a few months ago. Before now the only things I really made were simple python scripts that handled database operations at my last job. I live in an area with no opportunities, and so this new job I got is my saving grace at this point. For the first time in my life I can have actual savings and can actually work on moving to an area with opportunities. However...

Everything is falling apart. I have no idea how this place has survived this long. There is no senior dev for me to go to. There are no code reviews. There is no QA. There is a spiderweb of pipelines with zero error handling or data-checking. Bugs are frequent and go undetected. The database has no keys or constraints, and was designed by a madman (so it's definitely not normalized whatsoever). I already have made a bunch of little scripts handling data-parsing tasks that are used in prod, and I've had to learn proper logging and notifications on errors along the way, and have still yet to learn how to do real tests (I ordered a book on pytest that I plan on going through). I am so paranoid that at any moment something I made does something unexpected and destroys things (which... kinda actually happened already).

We're in the long and arduous process of moving away from this terrible system to a newer, better-designed one but I'm already just so lost and... lonely? There's a few separate dev "teams" but one is outsourced and the other is infamously unapproachable and works on a completely different domain. There's no one there to catch me if/when I make mistakes except myself. The paranoia I have over my programs is really getting to me and already affecting my health.

I guess I just want advice on what I should do in this situation. Is this a normal first experience? I care deeply about making sure the things I make are good and functional but I also don't have the experience to forsee potential issues that may come up due to how I'm designing things. And how can I cope with the paranoia I'm feeling?

EDIT: It takes me a while to write responses, but I want everyone to know that I really appreciate all your advice and kind words. It does mean a lot to me! I'm doing my best to take in what everyone has said and am working on making the best of an atypical situation. I'm chronically hard on myself, but I'm gonna try to give myself a bit more grace here. Again, thanks so much for all the thoughtful replies from everyone. :)

Does anyone else find themselves in the loop of always starting a new project? Of looking up tips and tricks to clean their room but then never get around to the actual cleaning? You want to buy just this one extra thing and THAT will change everything (spoiler: it doesn't). If I could just make a schedule for myself, then I could...

That's the "getting started" loop. Where you're always looking for the newest, so-called solution without enacting any of them.

Disclaimer: I have diagnosed ADHD and take Vyvanse Monday-Friday. But ADHD meds aren't a magical panacea. I'm a less anxious person. I'm able to get my work done. I've got the basics covered. But my personal life is really...neglected? I'm certainly not thriving. I don't have a good role model for what "adulting" looks like. Yknow the people who have thriving social lives, who can do their laundry without procrastinating, who get their butts into the gym without overthinking it.

I have so many hopes and dreams from being able to finally cleaning up my room and keeping it organized to wanting to stream and make videos for Youtube. I want to go back to school. But I am so afraid of change and not doing a good job, of not doing it perfectly, that I just don't start anything.

How do you avoid the loop?

Tilderinos! I've been using a carbon steel wok for about two years. Whenever I have any recipe that involves throwing a sauce in - which is pretty much every stir fry I use it for - I suddenly have an awful time of trying to clean it afterwards. Last night after doing this it was still pretty crusty, and I'm still getting crud off as I wipe it.

If you're not supposed to use soap to prevent ruining the patina, how do you clean it properly? I see all sorts of advice ranging from water to not using water...

Recently I’ve been growing dissatisfied with my current workflow (Obsidian and iA) and looking to try something new, and someone recommended emacs, as long as I was up for the challenge. I figure it can’t hurt to try, and if I don’t implement it, well, I’ll have learned something.

I’m fairly comfortable with CLIs, but will likely use a GUI, and will be using on a Mac.

Anyone have advice for a total novice?

I'm in a decade-long predicament related to the management of a somewhat complex website for my publishing business, and I'd appreciate your advice. For context:

1. I joined the company as an original founder about 15 years ago. My initial roles mostly dealt with accounting, finance, sales, account management, etc. -- really, anything and everything I could help out with. I offered to take ownership of our website since I had a fair amount of web design and programming experience.
2. The original version of our website was a patchwork of PHP scripts from back in the days before Composer. I was inexperienced and didn't know anything about frameworks, etc. so I just started adding code.
3. Over the years, I built homebrew versions of user authentication, a backend (CMS, CRM, etc.), and our front-facing website (full-stack, from cloud hosting to CSS and everything in between). As the story goes, it became a spaghetti code mess that was only maintainable by me.
4. Realizing that I'd created a mess, my next long-term project was to slowly start transitioning the entire backend over to the Symfony framework, including many/most of the homebuilt components such as auth. This probably took 5 years in earnest. This way, I could at least begin to have conversations about getting outside help.
5. The other founder passed away unexpectedly, and I've found myself not having enough time to dedicate to the website. I can work on it here and there and patch it up when things break, but my fear is that we're going to become stale.
6. I've had several conversations with individuals and web development companies in various capacities over the years. These conversations ranged from "sure, I can help out with front-end stuff" to "we would like to rebuild your website from scratch using (insert popular CMS) and then manage it for the low cost of (insert high cost)".

Right now, all of the coding goes through me because it's the cheapest option (plus all of the context above). I'd like to explore delegating or outsourcing it again, but I don't know where the happy medium is as far as what needs to stay in-house.

Just to give an idea of the complexity, as it goes well beyond what you would think a publisher needs, here are some of the features:

• User auth/database with tens of thousands of users
• Single sign-on that connects those users to several other platforms seamlessly
• Content authoring
• Several "microsite" type pages on the front end that require their own CSS/JS needs
• Some unique features that were built because we couldn't find suitable alternatives, such as a webinar player that automatically generates certificates and stores them for the user, watermarked PDF downloads to include user information (i.e. to prevent piracy), etc.
• CSS from the Bootstrap 3 era that has been modified and bolted onto over the years
• Jquery stuff from way back in the day
• and on, and on, and on

To do things right, I would think that I need a server admin, a Symfony/PHP expert, and a front-end expert. But we're talking about what - hundreds of thousands of dollars per year? We can't afford that.

In my mind, an ideal situation looks like this:

• I am still able to see, modify, and keep control of our codebase (Git)
• Hosting is managed. This is where my second biggest* fear lies, in that I know enough server admin to be dangerous, but I lose sleep knowing that an intrusion is inevitable and there are smarter people than me that can help prevent one.
• I can assign out projects (e.g. we want to upgrade to PHP ## and Symfony ##, we want to redesign a page/template/etc., we want to implement SAML and connect it to another platform, etc.)

*My biggest fear is that, since I hold the keys to everything related to this website, if I am unavailable (or get hit by a bus) then I leave the business in a REALLY bad place.

Can anyone offer any advice on navigating this hornet's nest?

I have, despite my better judgement, gone back on reddit in a limited way after exiting completely for a few months. I decided to anonymize myself as much as possible and was using Redact to cover my history. It overwrites comments with random words plus a short message that the comment has been anonymized and deleted with Redact. It's been working great for quite a few months.

Today I logged on for the first time in a few days and my comments have ALL been restored, right back to when I opened a new account a few months ago after closing my ten year old account. Everything is there again.

Not sure reddit's point in restoring them, other than a stark reminder that comments and personal info mining is the point of reddit, not community engagement, just like all the other social media.

Curious if anyone has any idea on how to permanently delete comment history?

Building my first Progressive Web App, it's new territory for me but I've made it installable already.

I'm trying to cover a fairly simple use case, which is displaying a badge count based on the number of unread notifications. Intuition tells me that I'd just ping an endpoint on the server at a 5 minute interval, but I'm in new territory so I thought I'd open up the conversation to see if there's any gotchas to be aware of.

I'd like to see if there's anyone out there on Tildes who has experience in this domain - is the service-worker always on, or is it only active once the app has been open and then backgrounded? How do I know if the app is currently open? I would like the app to query for notifications more frequently when it's opened, and only intermittently when it's closed. Any tips?

I've been a hiring manager before across a few jobs. But, then, I was receiving maybe 50 resumes to screen a week with my recruiter. Y'all are, what, at a few factors to an order of magnitude more than that?

Are your recruiters now pre-filtering resumes before you see them? What is being used to determine whether a candidate gets an interview now?

What I'm seeing:

• Referrals almost never matter: I've gotten two interviews through my network after dozens of applications—and I'm fairly well networked.
• Experience at other well-known Tech companies doesn't get an interview
• Having the right skill set, based on the job description doesn't get an interview.

From the outside, it seems like a coin flip.

Meanwhile, I have LinkedIn's AI advisor routinely giving me flavors of "yes, you're definitely their kind of candidate" yet no responses after weeks followed by the occasional casual rejection email.

So what's happening behind the scenes? How do resumes get on your radar? How do you work from the deluge to hiring a human?

Sincerely,
A very experienced engineer and manager who is rather fed up with what seems like a collection of pseudo-random number generator contemporary hiring processes.

EDIT: I should have also included recruiters in the title of my ask.

Today I had a small accomplishment that involved solving something I was pondering in the back of my mind all day. In the moment (and even still, a couple hours later), I felt a sense of pride.

But I know that in another week I won't even remember this feeling. I'll have moved on to some other event in life and feel things associated with that.

Which leads me to my question - is there an effective way to save a record of your accomplishments that will keep or re-ignite that emotional/chemical response?

We can even extend this into work life a bit as well. If you use an issue tracker or ticketing system, I'd imagine your completed tickets are lost to the abyss unless they need to be searched for in the future.

Personally, I think a journal is too verbose. But I'm open to ideas.

I really like this instructional video. I even downloaded a copy. The copy I downloaded is as blurry as the copy on YouTube.

Is it possible to possible to sharpen my copy of that video?

If it is possible, can it be done with freely available software on Linux?

Thanks either way.

Screenshot for clarity

My understanding was that after I graduated, I would have a six-month grace period, during which no loan payments would be due.

At some point during that six-month grace period, my university should have notified "the feds" or my loan servicer that I had graduated, so that they could appropriately adjust my loan status and start date of my repayments.

Well, we are seven, almost eight months post-graduation, and my loan repayments still are not due to begin until December 2025.

I'm still looking for a job, so if I can continue to put off repayment, that would be great.

Of course, if my loan status finally updates, and the servicer realizes I was supposed to start repayment in July 2024, but didn't, then that would not be great.

What do?

_{Literally this evening I intended to just go ahead and sign up for the SAVE plan, so I wouldn't have any payments until I got a job, even if my loan servicer woke up and realized their mistake. Unfortunately, republicans hate America, so that plan is looking dead in the water. I might go ahead and try to sign up anyways. Maybe I will continue to get lucky.}

I have been dating a woman for coming up to 4 months, after matching on Hinge. I am completely head over heels for her, as is she for me. Due to respective childcare obligations, our physical time together is limited, but we text constantly, have frequent video and phone calls, and make an effort to find small, snatched windows to be together after bedtimes when geography and schedules allow.

I feel extraordinarily connected to this woman; our relationship has been characterised by laughter from the very first message on Hinge, and the time we spend together is both a) an unbridled joy, and b) doing that annoying thing where hours feel like minutes. I am fully aware that this is just a part of being in the honeymoon period, and that we haven't gotten into the more mundane parts of being in a long term relationship yet; but that they are inevitably coming down the line. However I could very much see this being the last relationship I ever have, inshallah. So I want to try and lay the groundwork for stability and security into the long term while we're still in the honeymoon period, with the idea being that when it ends we've got a strong foundation upon which we can move forwards.

I know you can't plan relationships, that every relationship is different, and that life has a way of throwing enormous curveballs your way. But as best I can, I would like to ensure that when the magic of the honeymoon ends, we have built something that will enable us to transition into lasting love. We've already talked in broad terms about things such as when we would meet each other's kids; the vague direction of the relationship in terms of living together, marriage, additional kids, and so on, but without timelines; and a little about our respective love languages and attachment styles. That all feels like simply sounding out compatibility, so I would like to know, what are the other conversations we should be having? Are there specific things that you wish you discovered or realised about your SO during the honeymoon phase? Is there something that we as a couple should be doing now to make our lives easier and better later on?

I am planning to go back to a desktop after using laptops for years.

I already have an 1080p IPS monitor. I want just the tower.

There is the new Zen 5 coming out soon.

I was thinking about buying a Ryzen 7600 and maybe buy a GPU in the future if I want to play heavier games. The Ryzen 7600 has integrated graphics for basic things.

My main use now is just some casual gaming (Afterimage, Hollow Knight, Fallout 4), movies, browsing the web and compiling some software (Gentoo Linux).

I use exclusively Linux and I want to keep using AMD.

Should I wait the Zen 5 to come out and see if the 7600 price drops or this probably won't happen?

I was diagnosed with adult ADHD a few years ago. The first thing I focused on was structuring my schedule and environment to allow it to work to my advantage. This has helped immensely with improving myself and achieving my goals, I'd say even more so than medication has (then again, the meds helped me accomplish it in the first place).

However, it doesn't take much to push me off balance. Any unexpected events (frankly, even expected ones) can derail everything, and very quickly I feel this urge to go back to bed and start it all over again tomorrow. I'd liken it to maintaining momentum. Even things like doctor's appointments or mini vacations with my wife have me returning back to my life suddenly with no idea of how to manage it.

With my first kid on the way, I want to properly prepare myself. I've come to terms with the amount of focus and attention I'll have to give to him. In fact, it kind of sounds nice to recontextualize my life's purpose to just "keep this thing alive." However, I do have ambitions and lofty dreams that, if I'm being honest with myself, are THE reasons I get up in the morning.

I have no doubt I'll be able to recalibrate to this new life I'm about to enter and develop a new way of living that works for me, but I am curious if anyone has some tips or bits of wisdom to help make the transition quicker, easier, and smoother. To get through my day, I need to slowly pick up a head of steam and barrel through my tasks. How can I maintain this strategy with the frequent interruptions that are inherent to parenthood?

Thanks everyone. I'm very excited to have a mini-me.

Hi everyone,

As other Tildes members have expressed through multiple topics, finding friends as adult is hard. I'm currently trying to figure what's the best way to do this for me and I was hoping I could get some help. I've tried joining group activities like boardgame and table top RPG groups but while it's been good to make acquaintances I haven't been able to find someone I could call a friend. I know partly this is on me because it's hard for me to connect with others, but through repetition I'm hoping to get there eventually. I also thought recently maybe I should change or complement my approach with something else, which is why I'm here. Are there any good online platforms to make friends? I know that for the most part apps where the goal is to get people together are more geared towards romantic relationships, but that's not what I'm after, I'm looking for something strickly platonic. Ideally should be someone near me so that we're not restricted to only doing online activities.

Appreciate any help I can get here.

I'm looking to buy a Framework 16 in its most powerful Ryzen config. I'm looking at this being the last laptop I need to buy because of its modular design, so I don't mind the heavy initial investment.

I'm looking to shave of $400-500 by buying parts externally, however. I wanted it to be 64GB RAM, with a 4TB OS drive to run Aurora on, and later on a second drive for another non-immutable LTS distro (probably Debian?).

If I can source the same RAM/Storage, is there any reason to actually buy them from Framework? I'm a bit confused by the huge price difference, since I can get the same memory and storage hardware from Microcenter for about $400 less total.

And if anybody has any experience with the Framework 16 as a daily driver, I'd be interested to hear any stories. I'm not getting the graphics module yet, but may down the road to see if it can replace my desktop fully. Drivers should not be an issue as Aurora has a Framework image that contains everything I'll need.

I'm going to be a father soon. This kid was very much planned, and I've been pretty involved every step of the way, yet it still feels bizarre to say that out loud. At 26 (27 when the kid is born), I don't feel like a kid, but in some ways, I'm not sure I feel mature enough for parenthood.

I'm not too worried about the immediate logistical practicalities of parenthood. Things like how to clean, feed, and physically handle a newborn are things I can learn and seem fairly straightforward. Regarding what to get, I live within walking distance of a fairly well known baby supply store, so I figure I can just buy things as the need arises. I'm expecting that first month to be hard, but after I "figure out" the kid, I'm sure it'll be manageable. My folks did it, their folks did it, I'm sure I can do it too.

I guess what I'm really dwelling on is the more abstract aspects of fatherhood. I don't know what to expect and I don't really know what I don't know. What does it feel like? How should I prioritize my life? How do I figure out what's important and what isn't? I want to do what's best for the kid, but what does that even mean? How much is expecting too much from the kid? My wife wants the kid to be able to speak Russian, naturally, I want the kid to be able to speak English, and living in Japan, the kid will also have to pick up Japanese. Is that going to stunt the kid? I have so many questions and no one to really ask. I asked my own dad about it and all he said was something along the lines of "every kid is different, it might take a bit of time to really sink in that you're a dad" and that was that.

A bit of background about my situation:
On one hand, I'm in an okay place. I have a house with a very affordable mortgage, a modest, but stable career, and I live in a very safe part of Japan, which offers a lot of support for new parents. On the other hand, both my wife and I are thousands of miles from our respective families, so we're pretty much on our own and neither of are as fluent in the local language as we'd like to be.

I love fashion and all things streetwear and sneakers, but I have a blind spot when it comes to suits and tuxedos. I don't need to ever dress formally at work since I work in tech, but I'm also at the age where I need to have suits for weddings and such.

I currently have a pretty nice dark grey suit that I bought for a couple of weddings a couple of years ago, but I need to go suit shopping again for just a normal black suit for upcoming weddings. Anyone have anything they look for specifically? I have an appointment at Suit Supply later tonight, but wanted to go in knowing a bit more!

What would your family do? What would a normal, healthy, supportive family do? (If different)

Hypothetical situation 1:

Two family members have had a major accident. No threat to their lives, some internal organ damage, some broken bones, not much other info is know. One of them is awake and can call/text for info, the other is in/out of surgeries and in ICU for the first two days.

A) immediately family drops everything and fly to their destination right away?

B) extended family do so?

C) discuss and send one person to go right away. Then discuss to arrange for longer term recovery + rehab care after hospital discharge

D) nothing, combo, or other ?

Hypothetical situation 2:

Family member is "not doing well", eg, mental health. Probably"moderate" level of suicide risk: no immediate plans, some reservations about morality and how devastated their partner would be, but constant ideation and philosophically don't see why not. CPTSD with more recent triggers of job loss and moving from away from a socially unsafe situation. Has entirely dropped out of communication with family. Their partner is reachable by phone or email or text and says the family member is not doing well at all and has ceased all outside of home activities such as getting mail, buying groceries, filling up the car or anything that involves other human beings.

What would a normal family do?

My wife is thinking about signing up for the Master Workshopper program from AJ & Smart. It’s a relatively big financially decision so I thought I would pass along some of her initial thoughts and questions here in the hopes anyone had some experience with this program either personally or just anecdotally.

Hey everyone,

I'm thinking about signing up for the Master Workshopper program from AJ & Smart and would love to hear from anyone who's already gone through it. If you've done it, I'd really appreciate your thoughts!

Here’s what I’m curious about:

1	Quality of Content: Is the material solid and up-to-date?

2	Instructors: How are the instructors? Do they make the content engaging and clear?

3	Practical Application: Were you able to use what you learned right away in your work?

4	Community and Networking: How’s the community aspect? Did you make any good connections?

5	Value for Money: Do you think it was worth the investment? Why or why not?

6	Career Impact: Has it made a difference in your career or skills?

Any other thoughts or experiences you can share would be awesome too!

Thanks a lot for your help!

Apologies if this isn't an appropriate place to post this.

Inspired by a paper I found a while back (https://publications.lib.chalmers.se/records/fulltext/215545/local_215545.pdf), I tried my hand at implementing a program (in C#) to create ASCII art from an image. It works pretty well, but like they observed in the paper, it's pretty slow to compare every tile to 90-some glyphs. In the paper, they make a decision tree to replicate this process at a faster speed.

Recently, I revisited this. I thought I'd try making a neural net, since I found the idea interesting. I've watched some videos on neural nets, and refreshed myself on my linear algebra, and I think I've gotten pretty close. That said, I feel like there's something I'm missing (especially given the fact that the loss isn't really decreasing). I think my problem is specifically during backpropagation.

Here is a link to the TrainAsync method in GitHub: https://github.com/bendstein/ImageToASCII/blob/1c2e2260f5d4cfb45443fac8737566141f5eff6e/LibI2A/Converter/NNConverter.cs#L164C59-L164C69. The forward and backward propagation methods are below it.

If anyone can give me any feedback or advice on what I might be missing, I'd really appreciate it.

Curious if any of the succulent-lovers on Tildes have any tips/tricks for soil composition. I've been using the basic succulent mix from my local hardware store for years, but I've had some issues with rot. Reddit seems to think that soil composition is at fault for just about all succulent ills, so I've adjusted my mix to be about 50% perlite/sand 50% organic (a.k.a the basic succulent mix).

Still seems like the new mix doesn't dry out quite as fast as the internet thinks it should, though. Does going even more inorganic make sense? My guess from a few years of reading about succulents is that they would probably be happy in even 80-90% inorganic soil to keep their roots dry, as long as they were watered when they needed it. No clue if that's right, though.

One of my kids and his friend really want to do a lemonade stand (or something to that effect) this summer. I'm not really liking the idea of selling actual lemonade but I was thinking maybe they could stuff some freezies in a cooler and walk over to a local dog park. A big part of me wants my kids to actually execute an idea rather than dream about it and not actually do it. I want them to learn about money to some degree and maybe learn some lessons about making money... potato quality clip from my favourite show

Did you ever do a lemonade stand (or similar) as a kid?

What are some other things they could sell that would actually work?

Would ice be enough to keep freezies cold or should I buy some dry ice?

Is this all a dumb idea?

Short version: is there a levels.fyi or equivalent for employees in the European Economic Area (EEA)? How do I figure out what an equivalent employee in Norway makes vs one in the US?

Long version: I just found out my partner got the offer for a job that'll force relocation to Norway from the US for a new role. My current role, schedule, and responsibilities will likely work just fine in Norway and I expect that I can keep my job if I pitch it correctly to the executive team. I need to figure out what:

• I should be making
• What potential hires from Norway or the EEA would need to make

I work as the Head of AI running a team of 4 technical (ML Engineers) and non-technical (Data Capture technicians) people in a Series A startup. I am the Engineering Manager, the Team Lead, the Tech Lead, an IC, and periodically do pre-sales and technical customer support/onboarding. My team is all new, basically, having been hired in the last 90 days or less, and I am excited to delegate after finishing their onboarding! Currently, I have 1% equity and make $200,000. My role is remote and requires 20-30% travel. Where I live now is actually more expensive for flying across the US than from Oslo and about the same time factoring layovers, so travel costs will decrease. Due to how meeting schedules work out, no meetings will have to be moved to accommodate me at all. Is advocating for maintaining the same salary correct or should it decrease given the higher worker protections and benefits required by Norwegian employment law? Separately, what would hiring Norwegian employees look like from a comp perspective? I'd really like to keep this job and make a strong case for why it won't be a huge net-negative for the company.

Hi everyone,

Have a quick question if you have the time. I want to buy some of the new Android Find My Device trackers, have wanted to ever since destroying my Tiles when they were bought by that scummy data-retailer.

My question is: if I buy, for example, a Pebblebee device, does Pebblebee get my location data? Google already has that; that's the deal with the devil you have to decide whether or not you want to take. But I don't want to give this information to another third party.

I've done some Googling on this but of course search is useless these days. I tried to read Pebblebee's privacy policy but gave up pretty quickly:

➜  ~ cat pebblebee | wc -w
17391

Does anyone have an authoritative answer on this? Would love to know.

TIA and thanks for your time!

ETA: I have seen where Pebblebee claims they don't sell user data; I'm not even questioning that with this post (although I do question every company's trustworthiness). This is more a question about the architecture of the Find My Device network itself.

Edit 2: I'm already carrying around a personal spy that reports everything I do to Google, I don't think it matters whether they can get my location from the trackers lol. I just wondered if I was exposing that to Pebblebee (just as an example) as well.

In an effort to reduce my waste and expenses (as well as get some control over my diet...), I've been looking at weekly food planning and trying to budget for stuff...

I'm lost. My typical shopping is either getting an idea for something to cook then buying the stuff, or getting the ideas while shopping for other things. This has often resulted in having to throw stuff out because it doesn't actually get used.

I'm hoping to hear from people that are successful with actually sticking to a weekly plan and budget... How do you do it?